Whispered Prayers of a Girl

by Alex Grayson

  I force my body to lock tight so I don’t run forward and snatch her away. From the tenseness of Alexander’s body behind me, he’s forcing himself to stay still as well. We both watch, helpless and holding our breath as Kelsey lifts her hand and holds out an apple. My heart lodges in my throat.

  “Alexander,” I whimper, scared for my little girl.

  His arms tighten around me and his heavy breaths fan across my ear. I can also feel the thump of his heartbeat against my back, and I know it matches my own racing beat.

  “Wait,” he whispers.

  Tears make my vision blurry, and I blink rapidly, not wanting to miss a second of what’s happening.

  Alexander’s body gets even tighter when the horse looks down at the apple offered to him. He lowers his head and opens his mouth slowly. I want to both squeeze my eyes shut and run toward the danger, but all I can do is stand there.

  The horse takes the apple from Kelsey’s hand and starts chomping on it. Kelsey, seeming mesmerized by the big beast, still has her hand raised. The horse butts his nose against it, then lets out a soft neigh, and Kelsey starts rubbing the side of its head.

  I’m still stiff as a board, but Alexander relaxes a bit behind me.

  “Well, fuck me,” he breathes gruffly in my ear.

  I want to turn around and ask him what’s going on, but I’m too scared to take my eyes off the horse and my girl.

  Kelsey steps closer to the big animal and my body stiffens even more. My nails dig into Alexander’s forearms, and I know it has to hurt him, but he doesn’t react.

  The horse rubs its head against the side of Kelsey’s as she continues to run both her hands down its neck. She turns her head to the side, and it’s the first chance I’ve gotten to see her face. What I see has all the air rushing from my lungs. She has one of the most gorgeous smiles on her face I’ve ever seen.

  Out the corner of my eye, I see movement, and both Alexander and I look over. Daniel is standing in front of another stall with the puppy in his arms. This horse is white and brown and much less intimidating, but it still makes me nervous that he’s so close. We don’t know these horses or what they are capable of.

  “Mom, why are you crying?” Daniel asks, walking over to us. I breathe a sigh of relief when he’s far enough away from the stall.

  I didn’t even realize I was crying until he questioned me. I don’t answer him, and instead detach my nails from Alexander’s arm and move toward Daniel, making sure to walk slowly. Once I reach him, I haul him into my arms, the poor puppy squished between us. I lift my head and look over to where Kelsey is with the other horse.

  Taking measured steps, Alexander walks closer to her. His movements seem casual, but I can see the tenseness in his back as he keeps his eye on the horse. Kelsey is no longer facing the horse, but is turned toward Alexander.

  “Kelsey, honey, come over here with me please,” Alexander calls in a calm voice.

  She looks back at the horse with longing and pets him one last time, before turning and meeting Alexander halfway. The beautiful smile of before is gone, replaced with a look of confusion.

  As soon as Kelsey is within arm’s reach, Alexander drops to his knees and gathers her into his arms. I watch, more tears coming to the surface as he embraces her tightly, and I swear it’s like he was just as afraid for her as I was. Like the thought of harm coming to her hurt him just as much as it did me.

  Turning to Daniel, I bent down. “Stay here.”

  When he sees my firm look and gives me a nod, I leave him there and walk over to Alexander and Kelsey. Sensing my presence, Alexander releases her and stands. I only spare him a brief look before I’m pulling Kelsey into my arms. Now that I have her close and know she’s okay, the noose around my neck loosens, and I can finally breathe properly. More tears pour down my face.

  The situation wasn’t that dire, but it could have been. When you have kids, the worst scenario always plagues you.

  I sniff my tears away, then pull back and look at Kelsey. Her brows are pulled down into a frown as she looks at me.

  “You and Daniel can’t run off like that,” I tell her sternly. “You both had me so worried. I had no idea where you were.”

  “I was just showing her the horses, Mom,” Daniel says, walking up to me with Alexander at his side. He still looks bewildered. “Then I told her about feeding them apples and asked if she wanted to give it a try.”

  Before I get a chance to explain to him the dangers of running off, Alexander beats me to it.

  “Daniel,” he begins. “You’re supposed to always ask your mother before you take off like that. Something bad could have happened and we wouldn’t have known until it was too late. Had you waited just a few more minutes, I would have taken you and your sister to feed the horses.” Alexander puts his hand on Daniel’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Remember what I told you about Bandit the other day?” He thinks for a minute, then nods. “He’s not a horse you want to be around at the moment.”

  His words have my stomach dropping and panic wanting to take hold, but I force it down. The kids are okay, thank goodness, and hopefully have learned to not run off again. I still intend to ask Alexander later what he meant by the horse not being good to be around though. I’m not sure I like that he brought Daniel out here if he knew the horse was dangerous.

  Forgetting it for now, I quickly hug Kelsey again and bend to place a kiss against the top of Daniel’s head.

  I look over to Alexander and find him watching me with a soft expression on his face, but there’s still a hint of tension there. I give him a shaky smile, relieved and grateful he was here to help keep me calm. There’s no telling what I would have done had I come in the barn and found Kelsey standing in front of that horse. I certainly wouldn’t have kept still in my frantic state. He very well could be the only reason Kelsey and Daniel are still safe and unharmed.

  As we walk back to the house, Daniel yapping away to Alexander about his puppy and Kelsey her normal silent self, I send up a silent prayer to God, thanking him for giving Alexander the ability to keep my kids safe.

  Chapter 14

  Alexander

  “Wow! These are so cool!” Daniel shouts about all the wooden figurines in the box on the floor.

  Seeing his excitement over something I’ve always cherished makes my damn insides giddy like a girl. After what happened earlier, I’ll definitely take the giddy stomach versus my heart feeling like it was being ripped from my chest.

  When I ran in that barn and saw Kelsey in front of Bandit, my stomach bottomed out, and I damn near fell on my ass with the force of it. She looked so damn small compared to the huge animal. One wrong move and she would have been gone. Not wanting to spook the horse into doing something fatal, I had to force myself to stay in place, then force Gwen to do the same when she barreled into the room after me. Having no other choice but to watch Kelsey look death in the eye was one of the scariest things I’ve ever had to face. Knowing the love that Gwen has for her children and that she had to do the same thing, made it ten times worse.

  I fucking hated just standing there, feeling like a worthless human being, as Kelsey teetered between being a healthy, beautiful girl and a dead one, but we had to be careful. Bandit is so unpredictable and has a violent streak, so using caution was a must. Dark memories of not being able to save Clara and Rayne tried pulling me under, but with iron will, I pushed the visions back. I had to stay focused. If I didn’t, Kelsey would have suffered.

  But then the damndest thing happened. It both shocked the shit out of me and left me mystified. The fucking horse, the one that damn near took off my hand the other day, took the apple out of Kelsey’s hand with gentle movements. Then the bastard proceeded to pet her with his head. If it wasn’t for the huge amount of relief I felt at Kelsey being safe, I would have been pissed. All this time, the fucking animal’s been playing me.

  Fucking prick.

  Even so, I’m so fucking grateful he chose that moment to be mellow. I’d
take him biting off all my limbs over and over again versus him attacking Kelsey.

  “You make sure you take really good care of them, okay?” Gwen says firmly, bringing me back to the present.

  Daniel nods solemnly. “I will.”

  My eyes move to Kelsey, who’s sitting on the floor with several of the puppies curled up against her legs. She’s not paying them any mind, but every so often I see her petting one. She has the new crossword puzzle book I made her in her lap. When I gave it to her, the smile she gave was small, but it was there nonetheless. It was her eyes that were more expressive. She was happy about the book. Coming from someone who doesn’t show happiness often, the look was a big deal. Each new smile from her makes my own pain lessen. I’ve come to realize that making Kelsey smile or even show just a hint of joy is something I enjoy doing.

  It’s Christmas Day, and while I was surprised to find Gwen in my house earlier and just a bit angry that she would be there on one of two days a year it’s not wise to be around me, I’m glad they’re here. The darkness of my regrets still lingers in the back of my mind, but having them here has been a good distraction. I know I shouldn’t use them as such, but damn, I don’t want them to leave.

  Gwen moves from her position on the floor by Daniel and comes to sit beside me on the couch. With Kelsey leaning against the couch, she’s forced to sit right beside me. Her leg brushes against mine, and I feel it behind the zipper of my jeans.

  The damn woman is wreaking havoc on my emotions. I’m trying so fucking hard to keep my thoughts pure when it comes to her, but it’s nearly impossible. Catching her in my room earlier after jacking off in the shower because thoughts of tasting her wouldn’t leave me, left me in a befuddled state for several moments. Right after I came all over the shower floor, guilt started plaguing me. Not because I felt like I betrayed Clara because I was thinking of another woman—I know Clara would want me to move on—but because I’ve got no right thinking about another woman when I couldn’t even take care of the one I had before. One that I loved with my whole heart. One that I had a baby with that I couldn’t protect either.

  I’m a heartless bastard who should have his balls kicked into his throat.

  Then the anger came on when I saw her standing there. I wanted to lash out at her to make her leave. Between the anniversary of Clara and Rayne’s death looming close and the guilt of what I just did in the shower, my emotions were raw and there was no telling what might happen. I’d wanted her gone at the same time my mind screamed at her to stay.

  Then she had to say the kids wanted to see me, the look in her eyes silently saying she wanted to see me too. I couldn’t turn them away.

  Things changed when I gave my consent. The look in her eyes turned carnal as she ran them down my body. Fuck if I didn’t want to march straight to her and plunder her mouth with mine. To lift her in my arms and carry her to my bed. Only pure force of will held me back.

  Gwen shifts beside me and my dick starts to stiffen. I jackknife off the couch so fast that Gigi jumps up from her perch on the floor and barks once. Leaving the three in the living room, I head to the kitchen for a glass of water.

  It’s getting harder and harder being around Gwen and holding in my emotions. The woman makes me feel things that I don’t want to feel. Having her kids here makes me want things I don’t want to want.

  Like a family and a life filled with laughter.

  My eyes land once again on the bottle of Jameson when I open the cabinet for a glass. I’ve never been one to drink excessively, but the urge to do so now is strong. Anything to make these unwanted feelings disappear.

  I turn from the sink after filling my glass with water, and find Gwen standing in the doorway, watching me curiously.

  “Would you like me to heat up some of the food Mrs. Myers sent over?” she asks, coming to stand opposite me and leaning against the counter.

  I shake my head instead of answering her verbally. I’m not sure how steady my voice will be at the moment.

  She glances down at her feet, then brings her head back up.

  “What did you mean when you asked Daniel if he remembered what you said about Bandit?”

  I take a swallow of the cool liquid, then set it down on the counter before crossing my arms over my chest. She briefly looks at my arms before flicking her gaze back up to mine.

  “He’s been trouble training and hasn’t been the nicest horse to be around,” I tell her. I’ve been waiting for this question.

  Her eyes widen, and a hint of fear flashes across her face. Before she has a chance to respond, I reassure her.

  “He was never close to him when I had him out there with me, Gwen. I wouldn’t put him in danger.”

  It only takes a moment before she nods. “I know.”

  The rope around my neck loosens with her words. I don’t like her thinking I would be so careless as to put either of her kids in danger. Those kids have wormed their way into my heart and I’m not sure there’s a way for them to get out again. Already I know I’d put down my life for them.

  “I saw that you started tearing down the house,” she states softly.

  The reminder of what I was doing before my shower earlier lodges a sharp pain in my chest. It seemed fitting to start tearing down the house I was supposed to share with my family on the eve of when they died. I started it, then stopped when my back suddenly gave out. Part of it was due to my total lack of finesse tearing it down, the anger I felt making me clumsy and uncaring of how my back would be affected. Now that I’d started, I wanted it done and over with.

  “Yeah,” I answer gruffly.

  She moves away from the counter and comes toward me. The closer she gets the more tense my body gets. I left the living room to put some much-needed space between us, and here she is now closing the gap.

  Once she’s standing in front of me, she puts her hand on the arm with scars and looks up at me with concerned eyes. I feel the touch everywhere. It’s like, now that my desire for her has slipped by my defenses, it wants to consume me. Or rather, I want to consume her. I’ve gone years without any form of intimate contact, I haven’t wanted to touch anyone, but now it’s damn near all I can think about when I’m around her.

  My jaw tics and my hands grip the counter behind me as I fight back the urge to reach for her.

  “Are you okay?”

  My smile is tight when I respond. “Yes.”

  She frowns, and damned if it doesn’t make my chest tighten. The hand she still has on my arm is warm, and I look down at it. Her fingernails are cut short and painted a soft pink color. Her hands are so small that they’d be dwarfed in mine if I were to lace them together.

  She must see something on my face as I look down at her hand, because seconds later, she jerks it away. I bring my gaze back to her and see a bright flush on her cheeks, and I know she must have felt the connection too. It still amazes me that she’s not affected by my scars. I’m not jaded enough to believe that all people will be repulsed by them, but it’s as if she doesn’t see them at all.

  When she moves to take a step back, I reach out and seize her wrist before I realize what I’m doing. Our eyes lock the minute my hand touches hers and from the silent communication between us, we both know the other felt the electrical zap at contact.

  “Don’t,” I whisper, and gently pull her toward me. “I like it when you touch me.”

  I’m an idiot for asking for more from her, and I have no idea why I am, but the thought of her not touching me now is something I just can’t comprehend. Even the innocent touch of her hand on my arm is something I need. I’ll regret it later and feel like a bastard, but right at this moment the longing is much too strong to ignore.

  I lean back against the counter and widen my stance. She watches with cautious eyes as I continue to pull her toward me. With shaky hands and shallow breathing, I put my arms around her waist and pull her chest against mine. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Before Clara, I had had my fair share of women, but this
feels different somehow.

  With her so close, we lose eye contact. Her arms go around my waist and she rests her head against my chest.

  The embrace is both innocent and intimate. Feeling the warmth of her body, her soft curves against the hard muscles of mine, sends blood rushing to my cock, but it also feels comforting. I squeeze my eyes closed at how good this feels, how right it feels to have her in my arms, like this is where she’s supposed to be. I want that to be true so fucking much, but I know it can’t be.

  I hold Gwen in my arms and concentrate on memorizing the feeling of having her there. I wish we could stay like this forever, but it’s not possible. Not with the guilt I still carry. Not knowing I let my family down. Gwen and her two kids are too important. I won’t take that chance with them. There’s too much to lose.

  So instead, I’ll soak up every single second I have with her and Kelsey and Daniel, and keep these moments locked away and only let them out when the pain gets to be too much.

  We stand like this for several minutes, enjoying the feeling of being in each other’s arms. I want to put my fist through the wall when the moment is interrupted by my phone ringing. Gwen pulls back before I’m ready for her to and looks over at my phone sitting on the counter. When I make no move to grab it and instead tighten my arms around her, she looks up at me.

  “Are you going to get that?”

  “No,” I tell her, never moving my eyes off her.

  When the phone stops ringing, her forehead lands on the center of my chest, and her hands clench the back of my shirt tighter, like she doesn’t want to let me go either. A growl leaves the back of my throat when my damn phone starts ringing again. I’d love nothing more than to chuck it against the wall.

  “Alexander,” Gwen calls, pulling my murderous gaze from the phone. I lose the glare when my eyes land on her. “Maybe it’s important.”

  Right now, I don’t care if it’s important. All I care about is keeping Gwen where she is. But I know that’s not being rational.