Whispered Prayers of a Girl

by Alex Grayson

  She sets a plate of food and a glass of orange juice down in front of me before making her own plate and sitting beside me. I look down at the food and my stomach twists. Nausea from too much alcohol the night before has me regretting telling her I wanted breakfast. I ignore the queasiness and pick up my fork, refusing to hurt her feelings even more by turning it away.

  “When we finish eating, I can take you to pick up your truck if you’d like,” she says a few minutes later.

  “I can walk. It’s not that far. I’m sure you need to get back to Kelsey and Daniel.” I set my fork down and turn to regard her.

  She shakes her head. “I’ve already called Jeremy this morning. He knows to expect me home in about an hour. Besides, it’s on the way.”

  I nod, get up from my chair, and take my plate to the sink. Gigi comes sauntering around the corner and stops at my feet to look up at me.

  “Okay,” I agree, secretly glad it’ll give me a few more minutes with her. I grab a bowl from the cabinet, pour some dog food in it, and set it on the floor for Gigi. I give her head a few rubs while she chomps down on her breakfast.

  When I turn back to face Gwen, she’s looking at me with watchful eyes. It unnerves me because there’s no telling what she’s looking for and if she finds it. She drops her eyes seconds later and grabs her own plate. Instead of setting it in the sink like I did, she washes the dish, along with mine and the ones she used for cooking, and places them in the drying rack.

  Five minutes later, we leave the house and make our way to my truck. Neither of us has said anything since we finished our breakfast. Before I’m ready, we’re pulling along the side of the road by the Hallow’s Creek Bridge.

  My body tenses up and my jaw tics as we both sit in the truck silently. This place always makes me edgy.

  I look over when her hand touches mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze. I find her looking at me with understanding.

  “Do me a favor?” she asks in the quiet of the truck.

  “What?”

  “Call me if you ever want to talk.”

  A fierce pain wedges its way in my chest, because she knows this is goodbye for us. I know it too, but I still fucking hate it. It’s for the best though.

  I nod, even knowing I’ll never call. If I do, I won’t be able to stop, and then talking on the phone won’t be good enough.

  “Thank you.”

  I cup the side of her face and lean over the console, placing my lips over hers in a soft kiss. Pulling back, I rest my forehead against hers. Closing my eyes, I wish so much that I could be more for her. I kiss her forehead, then pull away and open my door.

  She doesn’t get out, and I don’t look back as I walk over to my truck, unlock it, and climb inside. I ignore the two crosses as they come into view.

  Gwen is still at the top of the embankment when I pull out. Through the windshield, I can barely make out her expression, and the sad look she’s wearing almost has me pulling over and stalking back to her. I pull away, and I try to keep my eyes on the road and not the rearview mirror, but they slide there before I can stop them.

  Why in the hell does it feel so wrong to see her driving away in the opposite direction?

  Chapter 17

  Gwendolyn

  The bell rings, and as typical with kids, they immediately start rising from their seats and are quiet no more. I clap my hands three times to get their attention.

  “Before you go, stop by my desk and grab a field trip permission form,” I tell them sternly. “It needs to be signed and returned to me no later than Friday or you won’t be allowed to come along with us to the zoo.”

  I get “yes ma’ams” and “okays” from several of the students before they continue stuffing papers and books in their bags. I stand by my desk with the stack of forms in my hand.

  “Good job on that test, Joey.” I smile and hand a form to the black-haired boy in front of me. “I knew you could do it.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Crews.” He beams at me.

  “I expect all your tests to be just as good.” I laugh when he wrinkles his nose. “You did great on this one, so you know it’s possible now. You just have to work at it.”

  He looks doubtful, but gives me a nod as he walks away. When I first came here, Joey’s grades were horrible. I’ve been working closely with him, and I’m pleased to see they’re improving.

  I watch as the last student leaves, and start straightening my desk. I slide a stack of papers I’ll be taking home to grade in my messenger bag, and shut down my laptop, placing that on top of the papers.

  After looking over the room and making sure everything is in its place, I sling the strap of the bag over my shoulder, grab my keys from the top drawer of my desk, and leave the classroom. I make the short trek down the hallway to Valerie’s room, Daniel’s teacher. Kelsey is already sitting at a desk doing her homework, with Daniel doing the same at the desk beside her. Valerie stays after school every day because her husband is the principal and they drive in together. When she found out I had two kids in the same school, she insisted on watching them during the few minutes it takes me to close down my classroom.

  “Hey, Val.” She also insisted I call her Val, saying all her friends do. “Any plans for the weekend?”

  This is the first week back to school after the holidays, and as much as I love my students and my job, I’m ready for the weekend to begin. The first week back after a holiday or summer break is always stressful because the kids are hyper.

  “Michael’s taking me to the movies tonight, but other than that, my butt is staying home and relaxing.” She huffs, rolls her chair back, and stands. She looks as tired as I feel. “What about you?”

  “Grading papers tonight.” I cross my eyes, causing Val to laugh. “Then I was thinking about taking the kids for ice cream tomorrow. And I mustn’t forget the dreaded grocery shopping.”

  “Yes,” I hear Daniel hiss. “Ice cream.” I grin, and don’t need to look over to know he fist-pumped the air.

  “Any word yet from the realtor?” I ask, and lean a hip on the edge of her desk.

  “No,” she grumbles. “She told me it might be a few days and to not hold my breath, as the owners can be quite stubborn.”

  I frown. Val and Michael have been looking for months for the perfect house, since the owner of the one they are renting recently notified them he’s decided to sell. Although their current rental is perfect for them now, Val said it’s not ideal for the future because it’s only a two bedroom. They decided not to buy their current place, but look for something bigger because they’ve just started trying for a baby. Val needs an office because she writes part-time, and they want at least two children.

  “How long has it been on the market?”

  “Two years and counting,” she answers, exasperated.

  “If they were smart, they’d take your offer.”

  “Yeah, well, the realtor said they’ve declined multiple other offers. They are stuck on their figure, even though they’ve been advised it’s way over the value.”

  “I’ve got my fingers crossed for you. But if they don’t accept it, don’t get discouraged. It took me and Will a year to find the right house.”

  She sighs. “Yeah, I know you’re right, but Gwen, this house is perfect. It felt like home the minute I stepped inside.”

  I smile and reach over to squeeze her hand. “Then I’m sure it will all work out.”

  She returns my smile, her eyes lighting with confidence. “I sure hope so.”

  I turn to the kids. “You guys ready?”

  Daniel jumps up from his seat, carelessly stuffing papers in his book bag. “Yep.”

  Kelsey demurely gets up from the desk and is a lot more careful with putting things away. Sometimes I catch myself looking at her and it hurts how withdrawn she is and how adult-like she seems. She should to be hanging out with friends and pointing out how gross boys are.

  We bid Val goodbye and head for the door. As we walk down the hallway, Daniel
looks up at me. “I made a good grade on my reading test.”

  “That’s good, sweetie. I’m proud of you.”

  His look turns coy, and I wait for what’s coming next.

  “Since I did good on my test, could we go get ice cream today?”

  I laugh, not at all surprised.

  “Nice try, kid, but we’ve got chores to do, and I’ve got papers to grade.” I ruffle his hair to lighten the refusal, but his face still falls. I hate when they get disappointed. They’ve both been in a down mood lately. I know why, but I ignore the reason behind the behavior. Because I’m a sucker, I retract my answer and offer instead, “How about this, you and your sister get your chores done in record time, and I may take you out for barbeque at Blu’s. And ice cream is still on for tomorrow.”

  “Really?” he asks, jumping up and down.

  “Yep.”

  My grin is so big it hurts my face. I haven’t seen enough of Daniel’s smiles lately, and Kelsey’s been even more withdrawn than usual.

  “You hear that, Kels?” Daniel says, running over to his sister. “If we get our chores done quickly, we get barbeque!”

  She watches him with a blank expression, but gives him a single nod, her usual reply. He doesn’t let the lack of response take away from his exuberant happiness, although, deep down I know it bothers him that Kelsey never speaks or plays with him anymore. Before Will died, Kelsey took her role as a big sister seriously. She was constantly by his side, making sure he never got hurt and stayed happy. She played with him anytime he asked. When he was a baby, she insisted on helping care for him. She was like a mini momma. Because of that, they were very close. After Will passed away, she stopped. She stopped everything. I’ve explained to Daniel several times why, and he says he understands, but I know it still hurts him.

  The sky is cloudy when we walk out of the school doors, and I wonder what the chances are it’ll rain. I hope it holds off until we get back from Blu’s. Surprisingly, the weather is warmer than normal for this time of year. The weatherman says we’re having a very warm winter, despite the harsh beginning.

  We only live a couple miles from the school, so the trip is short. Daniel bounces in his seat the entire time, singing along to the music I have playing on the radio. He has a knack for remembering songs after only hearing them a few times.

  When I turn the corner to our street, I unconsciously let up on the gas pedal when I see the familiar old blue truck sitting in our driveway. My palms immediately start to sweat against the steering wheel and my heart rate picks up.

  It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Alexander, and every day of those weeks, I’ve felt the loss of him like a sledgehammer has been slammed into my stomach. I’ve done pretty well ignoring the constant pain, but seeing him sitting on our porch steps as I pull into the driveway brings it back full force.

  I miss him so much. Much more than I should for only knowing him a few short weeks. And the kids, I know they’ve missed him too. It’s been apparent in the way they’ve been moping around the house. Daniel’s asked after him several times, and the only thing I can tell him is Alexander’s been busy with work. I hate lying to my kids, but I hate hurting them more, and I know it’ll hurt him if I were to tell him Alexander doesn’t want to see us anymore.

  His absence has affected Kelsey too. She rarely comes out of her room, and when she does, it’s only to eat, shower, or when I make her. It’s not healthy for her to stay locked up in her room all the time, so I make her come out at least for a couple hours each day. I was in her room a week ago putting clothes away and found the two notebooks Alexander made her at the bottom of her sock drawer. The sight of her hiding them away brought tears to my eyes.

  I’ve caught myself several times reaching for my phone to call and see how he’s doing. I know he cares about us, but I refuse to push our presence on him.

  “Look!” Daniel shouts as I put the car in park. “It’s Alexander!”

  Before I have the chance to turn off the truck, Daniel throws open his door and is running toward him. Kelsey and I get out at a slower pace. I look over at Kelsey across the hood of the car and find her looking at Alexander, her expression showing her vulnerability.

  I grab my messenger bag and purse and lock my car. I know I’m stalling for time, but I have no idea what to expect. He made it clear without really saying anything that whatever was transpiring between us was over.

  Alexander stands when Kelsey and I make our way toward him. Daniel stands beside him talking animatedly, but his eyes remain on mine. They hold something deep, but I’m not sure what the emotion is.

  “Hey,” he says, his voice deep and gruff. “Jeremy gave me your address.”

  It didn’t dawn on me until then to question how he knew where we lived.

  “Hi.” I shift from one foot to the other, waiting for him to continue.

  His looks away from me and faces Kelsey, who currently has her head down.

  “Hey, Kelsey,” he rumbles.

  She lifts her head and doesn’t hide her hurt. I look back at Alexander and find his face a mask of pain.

  Instead of acknowledging his greeting, she moves past him. We both watch as she slides the emergency key from underneath the rug, unlocks the door, walks inside, and closes it behind us. He faces me once she disappears.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him, because even if she felt it was warranted, she was still very rude just now. “She’s not been having good days lately.”

  He nods. Guilt and shame flash in his eyes, and he looks to the side. Daniel’s still standing between us, looking from one person to the other. I’m just about to tell him to go inside and give Alexander and me a minute to talk, but Alexander talks before I get a chance.

  He holds out his hand, my earrings in his palm. “You forgot these the other day.”

  I look down at them and wonder if that’s the only reason he came by today or if it was something more. It’s something I hope with all my heart, but am scared to wish for. He could have simply messaged me for my address and slipped them in the mail. He didn’t have to come all the way here.

  Could it be possible that he’s missed us as much as we’ve missed him?

  I hold out my hand and he drops them in my palm. I wrap my fingers around them, and though the metal is thin, they’re still warm from being in his hand.

  “Would you like to come in for a few minutes? I could make you a glass of tea.”

  I hold my breath, silently hoping he’ll accept. He looks down at Daniel and sees the hopeful face staring back at him. His brows draw down into a frown before he lifts his eyes back up to me.

  “Sure,” he says, and it makes my heart soar.

  I know I should forget about the idea of something more happening between us, but for some reason I just can’t. It feels natural to be in his company, like it’s where I’m supposed to be. As if something keeps forcing us together.

  Daniel squeals in delight and rushes up the steps to open the door. He gushes nonstop about what’s happened the last couple of weeks. Alexander listens with a smile playing on his face. It’s nice to see his smile again. Kelsey is nowhere to be seen as we walk into the kitchen. I tell Daniel to let Pepper out in the fenced-in backyard while I grab glasses for tea, fill them, and hand one over to Alexander. I give Daniel a juice box when he comes rushing back inside. He rips the plastic from the straw, pokes it through the hole, then closed his mouth around it to take a drink.

  Alexander chuckles at the way Daniel quickly sucks the juice through the straw, pulling his cheeks in dramatically. I laugh too because I’m happy. Happy that Alexander is standing in my house enjoying the entertainment of my son.

  “Thank you for bringing the earrings back. I can’t believe I forgot them again.” I take a sip of my drink and set the glass on the counter before turning to Daniel. “Hey, you, aren’t you supposed to be doing something?” I ask pointedly.

  Disappointment has his face losing some of its merriment. He nods, looks at Alexand
er with bereaved eyes, then slinks off toward his room. Right as he gets to the doorway, he spins back around and rushes back to us. He stops at Alexander’s feet with a look of hope.

  “We’re going to Blu’s later,” he says jubilantly. “Can you come?” He holds his hands up in prayer style, and I can’t help but laugh, but I sober quickly when I realize he’s put Alexander on the spot.

  I dare a look at Alexander and find him looking down at Daniel. There’s a wrinkle between his brows as he thinks on how to answer. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now. Is he trying to find a way to let Daniel down easy? Or is he fighting with himself because he wants to go but feels he shouldn’t? I know he thinks he not good enough for us, that he feels his scars, physical and emotional, make him less of a man. I know he holds immense guilt for not saving his wife and baby, and that makes him feel like he’s not worthy. That it scares him because he worries should anything happen to the kids or me, he wouldn’t be able to help us either.

  I understand his fears, but it’s utter crap. Alexander is one of the strongest men I know, one of the most caring and generous and kindhearted. I just wished he knew it too, or at least would give me the opportunity to make him believe it.

  I watch as he fights with what to tell Daniel, and I decide to let him off the hook.

  Walking over to Daniel, I place my hand on his shoulder. “Daniel, sweetie, I don’t think—”

  “Yes,” Alexander interrupts me, and I look up at him in surprise. “I’d love to go.”

  After smiling down at Daniel, who runs off with a shouted “Yes,” he lifts his eyes to mine. His jaw is hard, but determined.

  “You don’t have to,” I tell him, not wanting to force him into doing something he won’t feel comfortable doing. “I can talk to Daniel and make him understand.”