by Alex Grayson
Tonight is different though, for a couple reasons. One being that she spoke to Alexander tonight and my emotions are already raw from overhearing it.
The second comes when I stop at the door and hear that Kelsey’s prayers have changed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watched her crawl to her knees, I’d think she just added onto the old one, but this prayer is all on its own. The new one is even more heartbreaking than the old.
“Please, God, help make Alexander better,” she whispers, her hands clasped in front of her. “Please don’t make him hurt anymore. I really like him, and I know my mama and brother like him too. I wish he could be with us always. And please let his wife and baby be okay in heaven with you.” She pauses before finishing. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”
I clutch my hands over my chest, trying to calm my pounding heart. Her prayers have been the same every night for over two years. For her to change them now…. I send up a silent prayer that this change is good. I also pray that God answers my daughter’s prayers.
I rest my forehead against the doorframe and whisper low enough that she can’t hear me, “I love you, Kelsey. Please come back to me.”
With one last glance to see her in bed with the covers tucked up under her chin once again, I walk away with my heart heavy.
Chapter 18
Alexander
I lie in bed with my hands under my head, thinking about today. I think about how I was supposed to simply drop off the earrings and then leave again. I think about Gwen’s face when she saw me on her porch steps, the longing and hope present, but also the shadow of vulnerability. I think about how I had to force myself to not yank her in my arms and beg her to forgive me for being a dick.
I think about Daniel rushing up to me and the pure elation on his face as he talked nonstop. Then I think about Kelsey and the wary way she eyed me. The apparent hurt I’ve caused her. It made me sick to my stomach to know I’ve caused her more pain.
I should have refused to go inside for tea. I should have told them I couldn’t go to dinner. I should have come up with an excuse as to why I couldn’t go back inside to look at Daniel’s car collection. But I just couldn’t. Gwen and her kids have me wrapped around their fingers. I’d do anything to bring smiles to their faces and make them happy. Walking into Blu’s last night and feeling all the eyes on me was uncomfortable and had my anger spiking, but I pushed through it. I wasn’t going to let the nosy people of town ruin what I didn’t realize at the time was something I wanted so badly. Being out with them, acting like a family, a normal family, felt so damn good. I wanted to do it again. I wanted to be a part of their lives every day.
I also think about walking out of Daniel’s room and seeing Kelsey in hers. Her eyes were pinned on the door as if she were waiting for me or something. Before I could stop myself, I was walking in her room and sitting on the end of her bed. Both kids draw me in, but Kelsey more so. I know it’s because of the pain we share.
She held her body stiff and her eyes were almost accusing as she watched me for several seconds. It wasn’t enough, there would never be an excuse good enough for my shitty behavior, but I tried to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her further, but I saw the pain in her eyes when I told her about Clara and Rayne. I know of her pain, she deserves to know the reason behind mine.
Even though she said those few words to me the night before they left, I never expected her to talk again. To say my heart skipped a beat when she whispered those first words is an understatement. It was more like skipping ten beats. My stomach felt hollow and it took me several tries to pull in air. She has one of the sweetest and most delicate voices I’ve ever heard. It took me a moment to gather myself enough to respond. When she kept talking, even if what she asked hurt to think about, it was music to my ears.
Hearing her say her dad dying was her fault and she thought her mom might blame her was too much. I turned to her and made her look at me. I wanted her to hear me clearly when I told her it wasn’t her fault and there was no way her mom blamed her. I’m not sure if she believed me, but I hope she did. There’re only so many ways we can tell others how we feel. It’s up to them whether or not to believe it.
My chest hurt when I left her a few minutes later. It hurt even more when I saw Gwen slumped against the wall on her ass. I knew she heard. She was there when her daughter talked, and it broke her heart to hear the devastating words leave her daughter’s lips.
Without a word, I picked her up and carried her to the couch, where I sat her on my lap and just held her as she cried against my neck. No words needed to be said, as she heard it all, so we just sat there. I tried to give her the comfort she so desperately needed.
Afterward, she lifted herself from my lap, and I immediately stood, then told her I needed to go. That Gigi and the puppies were waiting for me. It was a shit excuse, but I needed to get out of there. I needed to rein in my scattered emotions and regroup. It’s so easy to get sucked in when I’m around them. It’s so easy to forget why I shouldn’t want Gwen and her two kids. And once again, I had to watch pain line her face as I walked out the door. I should be shot dead for all the mixed feelings and actions I’m giving her.
Instead of going home when I left, I ended up at Clara and Rayne’s graves. It was dark and cold out, but it didn’t matter. I sat my ass down between their two graves and did nothing but look out into the darkened cemetery. I didn’t talk to them, and I didn’t cry, but I did listen, and I swear I heard Clara whispering to me to let go of the guilt. To move on and be happy. I want to. I want to so fucking badly. I just don’t know if it’s possible for me.
After, I left their graves with my heart even heavier.
Hours later, as I lie in bed, an image of the wounded look on Gwen’s face as I left her pops into my mind. I grab my phone and check the time. It’s after midnight. She’ll be in bed, but the need to make sure she’s okay is overwhelming.
I unlock the screen and type out a message.
Me: Hey.
I’m surprised when I receive a reply seconds later. I wonder if she’s having as much trouble finding sleep as me.
Gwen: Hey.
Before I can stop myself, I’m typing out another message.
Me: How are you?
It takes her a minute to reply.
Gwen: I’m okay. Are you?
Okay. Not good, not great. Just okay. I don’t like that she’s just okay.
Me: I’m sorry for leaving so quickly earlier.
Gwen: It’s fine. I understand.
She understands, but she lets me back inside every time we’re together, knowing I may withdraw again. I’m an asshole for putting her through that.
Me: How’s Kelsey?
Gwen: She’s good. Sleeping.
I drop my phone on my chest and stare up at the ceiling for several moments, wondering how in the hell I got to this point. How I went from having everything, to nothing, then back on the verge of having everything again if I allow it.
My phone vibrates against my chest, and I look at the screen.
Gwen: I didn’t tell you, but thank you for talking to her. For telling her I don’t blame her and it wasn’t her fault about her father.
I picture Gwen on the other end of the line, fighting back her tears. I know having her silent daughter talk to me instead of her had to hurt, but I also know that she’s glad that she talked, period.
I silently accept her gratitude and tell her something else. Something I hope helps.
Me: She’ll come to you. She wants to, she misses you.
Gwen: I know. It’s just hard waiting.
Me: Try to get some sleep.
Gwen: Okay. Good night, Alexander. And thank you again.
Me: Good night, Gwendolyn. Sleep well.
I put my phone back on the nightstand, the tightness in my chest somewhat abated now that I know she’s okay.
I roll to my side and try to do what I told her to do and get some sleep. It’s not until several hours later that I manage.<
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I stand at the opened barn door and look out at the torrential downpour. It’s been this way off and on for over a week. Work has been put on hold because of it and the horses are becoming restless. Horses are huge animals, so I need as much room as possible to work with them. I use the pasture when the weather permits, but that’s been out lately, so we’ve been stuck in the barn. Luckily, the rain’s coming from the south, which means the temperature is higher, and today is supposed to be the last day of the shitty weather.
I look over to Bandit and see him eyeing me. Surprisingly, since the day Kelsey was in here, he’s calmed down, even going so far as letting me pet him a few times. He actually took an apple from my hand a few weeks ago without trying to bite it off, and has let me do it a couple times since. I got the saddle on his back two days ago before he started bucking. He still gets in his moods at times, but for the most part, he tolerates me now. It’ll still be a while before he lets me sit him, but we’re definitely moving in the right direction. I’ll be glad to have him off my hands when the time comes.
I hear a car door slam and walk over to the barn doors, wondering who it could be. I don’t get unannounced visitors very often. I’m surprised to see Gwen’s red Range Rover. Squinting against the rain, I barely see her form already on the porch. It’s been a month since I’ve seen her. A month that’s been pure fucking hell. A month that’s tested my restraints beyond anything I’ve ever had to do. We’ve talked or texted each night since I left her crying on her couch and that’s the only reason I haven’t gone to her. They kept my need barely at ease. We’ve learned a lot about each other in that month, and the more I learn, the more I want her and her kids in my life. My strength to keep away from her is waning and her being here doesn’t help one fucking bit. Already my body is tensing, preparing to rush to her.
I look up at the sky and an unreasonable flare of anger hits me in the stomach. What in the hell is she doing driving in this kind of weather? Doesn’t she know how dangerous it is?
I take a closer look at the truck and thankfully don’t see the kids inside.
I take off out of the barn and run across the yard. By the time I make it to the porch, I’m completely drenched. I shake the water from my face and stalk up the steps to her. She turns when she hears the thump of my boots.
Her graceful smile falls flat and is replaced with worry when she sees the look in my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she has the nerve to ask.
Instead of answering, I bark, “What in the hell were you thinking, driving in this weather?”
My question takes her by surprise and she stumbles back a step. I stalk closer to her.
“E-excuse me?” The rain pelting down on the roof is so loud I barely hear her.
Her back hits the door, but I don’t stop until my chest is so close that each time she breathes in the tips of her breasts rub against the cotton of my shirt.
“You know how dangerous it is to drive when it’s raining like this. Why in the fuck would you take a chance like that?”
I know my anger is irrational and extreme, but fuck if I can control it right now. All I can see is Gwen sliding off the road or flipping her car in the ditch or hitting a tree head-on because she can’t stop in time. I imagine her on the side of the road, bleeding and in pain with no one around to help.
This shit right here is why I should have never gotten involved with her. Visualizing these scenarios will eat me alive. I can’t take the chance of losing someone else, and I can’t bear the thought that I couldn’t be there if they ever needed me.
My hands rest on either side of her head, and I let my head hang forward. I pull in huge gulps of air and try to calm the raging inferno in my blood. I flinch when Gwen lays her hand against my chest. Her touch burns, and I can’t get away fast enough. I throw myself away from her, and her eyes widen, then darken with pain.
“Alexander?” she questions softly and takes a step closer.
I know my eyes must look wild when I pin her with my glare. “Don’t,” I growl.
She stops and frowns. “I don’t understand. Why are you so angry?”
I spin around, hands clenched at my sides. I can’t believe she has the nerve to ask me that.
“Why am I so angry? Really, Gwen? You’re seriously fucking asking me that after I told you what happened to Clara and Rayne?”
Realization dawns, and I want to fucking laugh as her eyes widen again. I turn away from her and walk to the porch railing, leaning my hands on it and staring out into the rain. My heart’s pounding so hard, I hear it in my ears. I feel the throb at my temple and the start of a headache.
I hiss when I feel Gwen’s hand on my back, then her heat at my side. I don’t look at her, but I feel her eyes on me.
“Alexander, you can’t control everything,” she says gently, trying to console me, but it does the opposite. Her soft tone grates on my nerves because I love the sound of her voice so much, and whether she means to or not, she’s using it against me right now. “You can’t protect people from every little thing. You can’t prevent them from living or doing things that are natural for fear of something happening. If it’s meant to happen, then it’ll happen whether you try to prevent it or not.”
I hate myself so much right now because I know she’s right, but I still can’t get over my fear. Gwen has come to mean more to me than I ever imagined possible. I’m not sure what would happen to me if something were to happen to her or the kids. It scares the shit out of me to think about it. It scares me so much that my damn hands are shaking now with just the thought.
And what’s even more fucked-up is I turn to her and tell her to leave, even though I just bitched about her driving in the pouring rain in the first place. I need her to leave like I need air to breathe. I can’t be around her right now because I worry my resolve will crumble, and I’ll drop to my knees and beg her to stay. And she can’t fucking stay because I’m fucked in the head.
“You need to fucking leave,” I grate. “Get in your fucking car and go back home, Gwen.”
I ignore the flash of pain on her face and leave her on my porch as my need to be away from her grows. My hands itch to grab her. My arms ache to hold her. My lips tingle with the need to caress hers with them. My body vibrates with need to feel her against me. And my damn heart hurts because it wants to belong to her. It already does belong to her, she just doesn’t know it.
I storm down the steps, ignoring her calling my name. The rain hits me in the face, but I ignore it as I stalk toward the barn and the safety it’ll offer me.
“Alexander,” she cries, sounding as though she’s coming after me.
Water splashes up over my jeans as I stomp in puddles. I know I’m being an ass, but in my jumbled mind, there is no explanation for her putting herself in danger. There is no reason at all she should have driven in the rain like this.
I’m halfway across the yard, about ten feet away from her truck, when her wretched sobs finally get to me, and I can’t take it anymore.
“Please, Alexander,” she sobs brokenly.
I stop in my tracks, put my hands on my hips, and drop my head. My eyes focus on my muddy boots, but I don’t really see them. All I can see is a crushed Gwen in my mind’s eye, and I just can’t do it. I pull in a deep breath, turn, and nearly fall to my knees at what I see.
Gwen’s standing by her car, only feet away from me. She stares at me with red eyes, looking heartbroken, silently begging me to do something. I’m not sure what, but the silent plea is more than I can handle.
“What do you want from me?” I roar across the few feet separating us.
Her flinch isn’t missed and the tiny movement slices my insides. She stares at me for several seconds without answering. She’s completely drenched and her hair is flat against the sides of her face. The light green button-up shirt she’s wearing under her open coat molds to her chest and the white outline of her bra is clearly visible. My treacherous body responds, even though this really isn’
t the time.
Her next words have my heart stopping in my chest and taking every bit of air from my lungs.
“You,” she whispers, just loud enough for me to hear over the rain. “I only want you.”
One minute I’m standing five feet from her, and the next I have her back against the passenger side door. My chest is plastered against her heaving one and her sweet breaths fan across my face. I hover my lips over hers, still fighting with myself, but know it’s a losing battle.
“I don’t know what the fuck to do with you,” I groan.
“Anything. You can do anything,” she breathes.
I do lose it after that. I lose it because there’s no way I can stay away from her. It’s a feat that I was never meant to win.
I slam my lips down on hers with an agonized moan. She opens immediately and my tongue sweeps inside to meet her eager one. This kiss is different than the ones we’ve shared before. It’s not sweet and soft and innocent. It’s carnal, pure and simple. I don’t ask for permission, I just take, and she gives willingly.
My hands grip her hips tightly, and I hoist her up the car. Her legs wrap around my waist and her warm center meets my painfully hard cock. My scalp burns in the most erotic way when she fists my hair and tugs me closer.
We’re both soaking wet from the rain, and there’s a chill in the air, but neither notices. We’re both too focused on the other to care.
I grind myself against her, then swallow her answering moan. My hands go to her ass, gripping it tight. I release her lips, only to trail kisses down her neck. Rain and Gwen meet my lips and it’s a heady combination that has my dick growing even harder.
This woman has driven me past the point of crazy. I’m precariously close to delirious.
Her moans become whimpers when I lick across her collarbone, then slide down to the partially open collar of her shirt, barely giving off a hint of cleavage. I dip my tongue in the hidden valley between her breasts, and I hear her head thump against the car. Needing more of her, I take one hand from her ass, push her coat aside, and yank open her shirt, not giving a fuck that several buttons fly off.