I took it out of my pocket as I pulled up my boxers and pants. Shit. It was a little after six a.m. and my battery was damn near dead. Good thing I hadn’t woken up any later, or I’d have some explaining to do to Sarah and Beth—which was exactly what Hannah didn’t want.
Blearily, I put on the remainder of my clothes and took one last look at my Sleeping Beauty. She’d rolled onto her stomach when I left her and let out a sigh, like she was already missing me. No, fuck—I had to stop thinking like that. She had no idea I was gone, and she’d be furious to know we’d both overslept. My thoughts were fiction. This was reality. I had to stay grounded, or the sight of Hannah’s bare back rising gracefully out of the covers with the swells of her breath would put my head right back in the clouds.
Give them what they want, but leave them wanting more, I chanted in my head, a sobering mantra. It reminded me of who I was. Ash Brody: ladies’ man.
It was simple, really. But then I stepped outside Hannah’s bedroom and things got a little… complicated.
Since it was the ass-crack of dawn and all, I hadn’t expected either Sarah or Beth to be up and about at this hour. Turned out I was wrong—I’d underestimated the Amish dedication to rising and shining way too goddamn early. You can take the girls out of the farm, I thought, watching them look over at me from the kitchen table. Helplessly, I sighed. But you can’t take the farm out of the girls…
They’d been chattering a moment ago, whisper-quiet, undoubtedly out of respect to Hannah. Once they saw me, though, they stopped, jaws still open in mid-speech, eyes wide. Slowly, Sarah moved to cover her mouth with her hand, the very picture of the word astonished. Beth, meanwhile, did her best to suppress a cackle.
Neither reaction made me feel any less weird.
“Morning,” I said, doing my best to sound like I’d done nothing wrong. And hell, I hadn’t! It was just the delicate sensibilities of these pretty young things that had me sweating like a sinner in church.
Neither one of the girls answered. I cleared my throat, mustered a devilish grin. “What’s wrong, ladies? Never seen a man do the walk of shame before?”
“It’s… it’s forbidden,” Beth said, apparently awestruck, but not in the same way that Sarah was. Beth clearly thought it was funny. Sarah looked white as a ghost.
“That so?” I asked them, looking right at Sarah. She could only nod. Words seemed to have escaped her.
One of the easiest ways to take the spotlight off yourself in situations like this is to find a way to deflect it on to others. For example: you walk into a party feeling kind of awkward ‘cause you don’t know anybody there. Maybe you’re not real good with people, especially in social situations such as these. But there’s another guy in the room looks even more uncomfortable than you are. He’s trying a little too hard to fit in and looking all the worse for it. He’s an easy mark. What you wanna do is stick close to him—bring him in to the conversation. Make fun of him a little, but gently—enough to boost yourself up in the eyes of those around you while remembering to make him feel like he’s in on it, too. Symbiosis. Win-win.
Sarah was my mark now, clearly. Of the three of us, she was the most uncomfortable in the room—besides me.
“Better close your mouth there, love,” I told her, flashing a winning smile as I did. “Unless you plan on catching bugs with it.”
Beth snickered and Sarah did as I suggested, her cheeks hot and red. I made my way closer to the kitchen table, eyeing their coffee mugs enviously. “You two are up bright and early. How’d your dates go?”
I thought maybe I’d pushed a little too hard with Sarah, because her only response to my question was to look away and chew on her nails. Beth, however, outright beamed. “It was so great! Wyatt took me to the zoo and I got to feed a fruit bat. I had no idea they could be so cute. And then after that, he took me to this cave on the outskirts of town where…”
She was talking a mile a minute. I wasn’t even sure she’d paused to take a breath between words. Playfully, I touched a finger to the rim of her coffee mug and slid it away from her. “I think maybe you should switch to decaf, love.”
Beth smiled and ducked her head a little. “Sorry,” she said. Christ, they were both so sweet and innocent. What, did the Amish just grow them out in a cabbage patch? Was this their main import-export? I sure as hell never met one in the wild.
Farm fresh. Organic. No GMOs.
It was way too early. I was getting loopy. No way I wouldn’t get into a wreck if I didn’t get some coffee in me. Gingerly, I plucked Beth’s mug from the table, confiscating it for my own purposes and taking a sip. It was an instant relief, even if the girls made it a little strong.
“Hey, that’s mine!” Beth protested, but I couldn’t take the frown on her face seriously. Apparently, neither could she. The corners of her lips were pulling into a smile.
“Well, I put my mouth on it, so it’s mine now,” I told her, then flashed Sarah a wink. “That’s how it works out here, you know. In the English world.”
Sarah blanched. “Y-you put your mouth on something… and that makes it yours?”
I held the mug up to my mouth to contain my grin. “Mm hmm.”
She covered her face. “Oh, God…”
“Don’t listen to him,” Hannah said from behind me, and I turned to see her leaning against the bedroom doorframe, her arms crossed—one of her go-to poses, it seemed. Damn, but she could pull it off though. Especially wearing nothing but a big t-shirt and a smirk. “Ash is just trying to make you squirm.” She looked me up and down and made her best attempt at an unimpressed face. “I thought I threw you out, Brody? What’re you doing back here?”
I offered Hannah a hungry leer before I shrugged at her. “What can I say, love? I got lost on my way out.”
She rolled her eyes at me. But as always, she smiled afterward. “Get to steppin’. You’ve already caused enough trouble for one morning, haven’t you?”
“Not nearly enough, if you’re still able to walk.”
Sarah choked and Hannah stared at me, mouth open, a sound of disbelief bubbling from her throat. The joke appeared to go right over Beth’s head at first, but after a moment, she dramatically gasped and then cracked up.
“Get the hell out of my apartment, Ash,” Hannah said with a shake of her head. “You’re bad news. You gotta go.”
“Fair enough,” I told her. But then, on impulse, I walked over and kissed her cheek goodbye.
I don’t know what made me do it. I was just feeling so good about all this. It was stupid, really—not at all an alpha male move. I should’ve just walked out, maybe after some snappy quip that would’ve left the girls howling with laughter once I was gone. But I couldn’t help it. The teasing. The banter. Hannah always found a way to just… get to me. How could I resist that sense of belonging she made me feel?
This was exactly why I had to leave. I was dangerously close to making things weird. Hell, I could hardly remember the last time I’d felt like the guy I’d worked so hard to be. That guy didn’t fumble awkwardly. That guy knew how to put on a show. Every night was an opportunity for his next greatest performance.
Hannah was looking up at me expectantly. I wasn’t sure for what, but she looked a little… confused. I imagined I looked much the same way. Neither of us were particularly good with feelings, and that probably applied to long goodbyes. Unceremoniously, I pressed Beth’s coffee mug into her hands. Then I turned to leave, reminding myself, The show must go on.
But I could feel the heat of Hannah’s stare on me all the way out the door. Just before it closed, I heard Sarah say, “So… Ash put his mouth on it… and now you’re putting your mouth on it… so does that mean he’s yours?”
Once again, Beth began to laugh. And the last thing I heard before I saw myself out was Hannah scoff and say. “Y’all need Jesus…”
But she didn’t say “no.”
11
Hannah
“I don’t know, Hannah. I just… I’m just not su
re I can do this.”
As much as I so dearly loved my sister, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at her. I’d heard this all before, countless times. No matter what the situation was, no matter what new and potentially innocuous thing presented itself, Sarah’s very first reaction to it was crippling self-doubt.
I sighed, glancing in her direction as I sorted through my laundry. “Do what? Go to an awesome cabin in the woods and hang out with a hot guy who’s totally into you, or was there something else on your schedule for tomorrow that I’ve forgotten about?”
“I’m serious, Hannah!” she said in Dutch, flopping down on the edge of my bed. Suddenly I felt like we were back at the village, chatting about what passed for gossip back then as we tended to our chores. “What if… what if he wants something I can’t give him? I’ll be there with him all alone. No transportation. No chaperone. No escape.” She worried her lower lip between her teeth. “Reid can be so… gentle. Considerate. Kind. I see the capacity for such compassion in him. But he’s also… focused. Intent, it seems, on achieving this one particular goal.”
Slowly, Sarah looked over at me, her arms stretched up over her head. “Sometimes it seems like, more than anything else, he wants to… know me. You know…” She blushed. “Biblically.”
I grinned. I could tell by the way she talked about him that she was utterly smitten. Maybe she didn’t realize it yet—not totally—but she was. The lilt of her voice. The sparkle in her eyes. Even the uncertain crease of her brow. These small expressions all told a story in which my younger sister was falling in love.
And she was scared. I didn’t begrudge her that. Love was… a terrifying prospect, for some. I think if more people knew what they were getting into, what they could lose, the horror movie genre would be flooded with films detailing all the terrible ways a Tinder date could go wrong.
I added a folded sweater to my shirt pile, then grabbed a cami from the hamper and began folding that too. “You’re probably not wrong. Guys like Reid and his brothers… they’re always looking to score. You’re not obligated to give in, mind you—your body, your decision—but you’re not exactly obligated to steer clear, either.”
Sarah looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “What is that supposed to mean?”
I shrugged. “It means if you want him, no one’s gonna judge you. Not me, at least. I’d hardly be the one to tell you not to have sex…”
I was thinking, of course, of the previous night. God, what a rush that had been. I’d thought our public dalliances were hot, but in private, a side of Ash I’d never seen before had come out. There was so much more to him than met the eye, and though I’d shooed him out the door that morning, part of me was still clinging to the fact that he had stayed at all. I wasn’t sure whether he’d just overslept or if the oversight was more intentional, but knowing that I’d spent the night in his arms… it just did something to me. Stirred up butterflies in my stomach. Made me feel like I was flying and falling all at once.
Sarah didn’t say anything. She looked so embarrassed. Well, that expression on her face wasn’t about to get any better. From here, our conversation would only get harder.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t let what our community shoved down your throat dictate your decision,” I told her, anticipating some incoming defensiveness. I steamrolled right ahead, though, before she had a chance to speak. “All that stuff about how a woman’s value is in her purity… out here, we call that misogynistic bullshit. A woman’s desire is no more impure than a man’s. And you have value just by being a damn good person, Sarah. You shouldn’t let those teachings make you feel otherwise.
“On the other hand,” I continued, “Reid might try to take advantage of your… innocence. There’s no doubt in my mind that one of the reasons he wants to take you to that cabin is to see if he can convince you to let down your guard when you’re alone. Even if he’s not actively aiming to get you into his bed, he won’t exactly cry himself a river if it happens. And I don’t want you to think that just because he’s good to you, you owe him something. Reid doesn’t need you to throw him a parade for being a decent human being. That’s the least he can do, you know?”
When I looked up from my laundry, I was surprised to see that instead of put-off, Sarah looked thoughtful. I felt my heart soften a little. I knew it couldn’t be easy for her, grasping concepts she’d never had to entertain before now. Everything out here was so new, so different, so contrary to the Amish way. Was it really any wonder she was stumbling? Was it really so surprising that she was apprehensive and afraid?
I couldn’t measure Sarah’s response by comparing it to Beth’s. They were two wholly different people with completely opposite personalities. It wasn’t fair. I had to start giving Sarah credit where credit was due.
“So what you’re saying,” she began, very slowly, “is that I should… see how I feel? Make the decision based on what I feel is right in my gut?”
I smiled. Now she was getting it. “Exactly.” I grabbed my purse from my vanity and opened it up, fishing around for a condom. I found one, easily. What can I say? I don’t trust most guys enough to leave the matter of my well-being up to them. “Keep this on you, though, just in case,” I told her.
Sarah took it from me with a frown. She wrinkled her nose, staring at it like it might bite her. “What is it?” she asked.
Poor Sarah. She really was brand new to all this. I grinned at her. “A condom. Goes over his dick so he doesn’t get you pregnant.”
Where her face had been red before, it now turned white. “Dear Lord,” she whispered.
“Nah,” I teased her, “that one’s a Trojan.” But in true Sarah fashion, she didn’t get the joke.
“Look, Sarah,” I began again, “the most important thing to remember is that you’re allowed to have fun. You’re allowed to enjoy your Rumspringa and to experience all the things you never will if you choose to go back home and commit yourself to the church. It’s a big decision—one you cannot make lightly, and one you cannot make effectively if you don’t have all the relevant information at your disposal.” I returned my purse to the vanity and set the empty hamper back on the floor, busying myself with the task of putting away my clean clothes.
“Think of it as… an adventure. A chance to find out who you really are, when you take the apron and bonnet away. That’s worth knowing before you put them back on again.” I looked at her over my shoulder. “Isn’t it?”
Sarah was sitting up now, her hands in her lap, her head bowed. Seeing her like this made me feel just a little guilty. After all, I wasn’t being honest with her. Not completely. Did I mean everything I was saying to her? Of course. But were there things I was refusing to tell her, too?
Plenty.
I hated that I couldn’t be honest with Sarah about what was going on, but after the other night, hearing the excuses she’d made for the community and our father… no. I couldn’t tell her why I’d left home. I couldn’t tell her she was in danger. She wouldn’t believe me. It might even drive us apart, when the safest thing for her was to keep her here, out in the English world and far away from that village where men used the Word of God to justify their wickedness. If I had to omit a few truths along the way, then so be it. That was a price I was willing to pay in order to save my sisters.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, I heard a voice inside me say. It was my grandmother’s, the woman in our family people compared me to the most. She was called a lot of things in her time. Hard. Difficult. Severe. But I’d never seen her that way. To me, she was warm hugs and cooking lessons, the practical application of common sense, and drawing with sticks in the wet dirt by the creek. She taught me how to skip a stone and would always shrug when my mother asked her how it was possible, since I’d been forbidden from climbing trees after I reached a certain age, that I had come home with leaves and magnolia blossoms in my hair?
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized the peopl
e who relegated the character of my grandmother to what essentially amounted to “a tough old bird” were men who saw her as a threat to their power. The ones she took no shit from. The ones she refused to bow to, in subtle ways. My father was one of those men, but really, her coldness extended to the entire circle of elders.
Unfortunately, she died before I had a chance to confide in her. I was sure if she’d been the first person I’d told, rather than my mother, things would have turned out differently somehow. I probably would have still left the community, but would I carry with me such shame? It was hard to say. Sometimes, a single kind word can alter the course of our entire future.
To hear that warning from her now, in my head—it made me hesitate. But before I could reverse my decision on the matter, Sarah was standing and approaching me, wrapping me up into a long hug.
“Thank you, sister,” she said, her soft voice muffled by my shoulder. “Thank you for talking with me. For teaching me. For giving me courage where I previously had none.”
In Dutch hardly used since I ran away two years ago, I replied, “You have always had great courage in you, Sarah Miller. It is a spark that begets a flame, and it is something others will try desperately to put out. You mustn’t let them. Do you understand me?” I pulled away, taking her face in my hands. “Don’t let anyone make you forget who you are and what you are capable of.”
And then I kissed her forehead, just like I used to when she was a child. And I thought of Ash, that morning, pressing his lips against my skin in the exact same way. Not romantic. Not sexual. Just… loving. Tender. Instinct told me that meant something, that something was happening between us, but experience told me I was wrong. Ash was just a player. He would always be a player. Tanya was, if nothing else, evidence of this fact—that he had options, and that he regularly explored them.
Very probably, he was with one of them right now. Even though it was only the afternoon, he might even be in her bed. Or maybe he was at her place of work, fucking her in the bathroom. Maybe he’d taken her somewhere special, and he was telling her, between ragged breaths, that this was his first time—that he’d never had any woman there except for her.
The Brody Bunch Collection: Bad Boy Romance Page 28