Even if he was clean, which I mostly figured he was, did it matter? Was I going to be enough for him? Heath had spent four years having sex with all kinds of beautiful men, sometimes two at a time. Obviously, he liked sex, which made me wonder if he was going to eventually get tired of my no rear entry policy and look elsewhere.
Another part of me was pissed. Who did the asshole think he was keeping something like that from me? Didn’t he think he owed it to me to tell me that he’d been paid to fuck other guys? How was I supposed to trust him now?
Maybe I was being unreasonable. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal. I scowled at that.
Of course it was a big deal. If it wasn’t, he wouldn’t have kept it from me.
Unreasonable or not, I wasn’t going to figure this out anytime soon, and I needed to put it out of my head and get my game face on. My brothers were like bloodhounds and they all had a nose for sniffing out trouble.
That was not something I was ready to deal with.
After arriving at Waffle House within minutes of each other, at Derek’s request, the hostess seated us at a booth near the back. Derek always sat in the back of restaurants so that he had a clear vantage point of his surroundings.
The request probably didn’t seem that strange after she’d seen our shirts. Though we hadn’t planned it, we’d all worn one of our novelty tees.
Derek’s said, The person wearing this shirt is a police officer. Lie flat on your back and do everything the nice officer tells you to do.
Firefighters put out was written on Kiel’s shirt next to a picture of a stick figure firefighter with a hose aimed at a small set of flames.
Oliver’s was a blue T-shirt whose white letters said, Pay no attention to my internet browsing history. I’m a writer not a serial killer.
Mine was the words, Cute enough to stop your heart. Smart enough to restart it.
The hostess had gotten a good laugh on seeing them. We’d laughed too. Sometimes we did plan stuff like that but not always. It was just one of those things that happened when you shared womb space with someone. You tended to think alike even if you weren’t identical.
The first thing we did was order coffee and then tell the waitress to keep ’em coming. Once she’d given us the first cup, we had all been ready to order.
It hadn’t taken too long after that for our food to show up. As we ate, we chatted about what had been going on in our lives. Well, the others did. I mostly stayed quiet but threw in a few well placed ‘uh-huhs’ and ‘oh, reallys’ to keep them from realizing I didn’t have much to say.
I thought I had been doing a pretty good job until Derek narrowed his eyes and said, “What’s up with you, Neddie?”
“What?” I stalled.
Derek frowned. “Don’t play dumb. You’ve hardly said two words since we got here.”
I debated telling them I was fine, but I knew better, just like I knew they would figure out the truth sooner or later. Though I could tell myself I didn’t want them to know, I would be lying. I might not have been willing to admit it to myself, but I’d come here because I needed their advice.
“Would you guys ever date someone who’d done porn?” I asked.
Oliver’s eyes widened. Derek smirked and Kiel looked ready to beat someone’s ass.
“Heath did porn, huh?” Derek guessed.
I could only nod, not able to say the words out loud.
“I knew there was something shady about that mother fucker,” Kiel snapped.
I glared at him. “You are not about to say I told you so.”
Kiel had the decency to look guilty, but there was still murder in his eyes.
“There are two important questions here,” Derek said. “First, how long has it been since he did it? Second, is he going to do it again?”
Oliver shook his head. “No, the first question Ned should be asking is why he did it.”
They all looked at me.
“He said it was so he could get the money to buy the tattoo shop.”
“And he couldn’t take out a loan from the bank like a normal person?” Kiel demanded.
“No, he couldn’t. He tried, but since he didn’t have anything for collateral the banks all said no.”
“Okay, then why not just save money instead of whoring himself out?”
“Porn actors aren’t whores,” I snapped.
“No, they’re not,” Oliver agreed. “And none of us should be getting all judgmental about this either, considering we’ve all watched porn.”
Derek gave me an imploring look. “At least tell me it was gay porn.”
“Can you be serious?” Kiel said.
“I am serious,” Derek assured him with a solemn look.
For the first time since learning Heath’s secret, I laughed.
“Yes, it was gay porn,” I admitted as my smile faded. “Lots of gay porn.”
“Huh, wonder if he’s been in anything I’ve ever seen,” Derek mused.
I grimaced. “God, I hope not.”
“I doubt it,” Oliver said. “In my line of work, I watch more gay porn than all of you put together, and I don’t recognize him.”
“That’s because you like weird shit like puppy play and daddy doms and shit,” Kiel said.
Oliver frowned. “You really need to climb down off that judgy high horse.”
“Is judgy even a word?” Derek asked.
“I’m not being judgy,” Kiel said, and I snorted.
“You so are, which is pretty stupid for a guy who posed nude for a calendar and then hid it from our loving parents.” Oliver’s lips spread into an evil smile. “I sure hope someone doesn’t send Mom and Dad a copy of that calendar for Christmas this year.”
“You mother fucker,” Kiel hissed.
“What?” Oliver blinked innocently. “I never said I would do it, just that I hope someone else doesn’t.”
“Yeah, well, someone had better not, or he might end up having to explain to Mom and Dad why he never told them he writes books about dudes changing each other’s diapers and calling each other daddy,” Kiel warned.
The two of them squared off with glares so frosty I could actually feel a chill in the air. Even the waitress noticed something was off when she came to refill our coffee, her smile faltering as she took in the intense standoff between Kiel and Oliver. Instead of lingering to make small talk, she topped off our cups and then hurried off.
“You both need to chill out with this pissing contest,” Derek said. “It’s not helping Neddie figure out what to do.”
“Sorry, Neddie,” Kiel and Oliver mumbled.
“So, Ned, let’s start with this,” Derek said. “What exactly is your problem with the fact that Heath did porn?”
“Isn’t that enough?” Kiel said, and Oliver sneered at him but didn’t respond.
“I don’t think it’s just one thing,” I admitted.
“Okay, what bothers you most?”
“That he didn’t tell me right away and it feels like he lied.”
“Did he say why he didn’t tell you?”
“He was afraid I would hate him.”
“Yeah, well, I think you should,” Kiel said.
“Not helping, Ezekiel,” Derek said in what we all called his cop voice. “Is he right, Neddie? Do you hate him?”
“No,” I said softly. “I hate that he lied.”
“What else bothers you?” Derek asked.
“That he’s been with so many other guys and done so much that I might not be enough for him.”
“Has he ever made you feel like you’re not enough?”
“No, but—”
“And if you hadn’t found out about the porn, would you still feel like you couldn’t be enough for him?”
“Yes, but I don’t think it would be this bad.”
“How long has it been since Heath got out of the business?” Derek asked, and Kiel let out a quiet snort that I chose to ignore.
“Almost six years, he said he quit as soon as they could
buy the shop outright.”
“Do you believe him?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, and now for the big one,” Derek said. “How do you feel about Heath? Do you love him?”
“Yes.” I didn’t even have to think about it.
“How much do you love him?” Derek pressed. “Do you love him enough to forgive him for doing something years before he met you? For having to make what was probably a difficult choice between following his dreams or giving up and settling for less? A choice that ultimately led him to you?”
I wanted to say yes to all of it, but the truth was I just didn’t know.
“That’s all right,” Derek said as if I’d spoken aloud. “You don’t have to decide now, but at least think about it before you throw away the best thing that’s ever happened to you for something that had nothing to do with you.”
“He’s right, Neddie,” Oliver spoke up. “You’ve changed since you met Heath. You smile more and laugh more. You’re happier.”
I glanced at Kiel, waiting for him to tell me to cut my losses.
“I don’t like it, but they’re right,” Kiel admitted, though I could see it pained him to do it. “Don’t make any decisions until you’ve given it some more thought, but just so you know. If the asshole hurts you again, he’s going to have to deal with me.”
“And me,” Derek added.
“And me, but I probably won’t be much help,” Oliver said.
“Sure you will be,” Derek said. “You can help us come up with a good alibi.”
And just like that, the tension was gone, and we were all laughing again.
Wednesday evening, I did something I was dreading and went to dinner at my parents’ house. I didn’t mind seeing my parents, but the minute I walked in the door without Heath, the questions were going to start. And I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.
I still hadn’t decided how I felt about Heath’s past, but I knew one thing. Being apart these past two days had been harder than I’d expected. I had no one to blame but myself though. If I called him right now, Heath would come running.
I just wasn’t ready to do that. Not yet.
Pausing in front of the door, I took a deep breath. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to face this inquisition, but I pushed the door open anyway.
“Hey, Mom, Dad, I’m here,” I called, injecting as much cheer into my voice as I could manage.
Both of my parents were in the living room. To my surprise, none of my brothers were there.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“We’re it tonight,” Dad answered. “Oliver said he’s on a deadline and the other boys are on duty.”
“Oh, okay. What’s for dinner?”
Mom smiled. “Tuna casserole; it should be ready shortly. Where’s Heath? I thought he was joining us tonight.”
I’d expected the question, had even planned my answer, but there it was and I didn’t know what to say.
Mom’s smile dimmed. “Did you two have a fight?”
“Not exactly,” I hedged.
The resigned look on her face should have pissed me off, but it just made me sad; both for disappointing her and because I missed Heath.
“Did you want to talk about it?” Dad offered. “Maybe we can help.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to decline, but what came out was, “I found out something about him that I wasn’t expecting and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”
Concern filled Mom’s eyes. “Did he do something illegal?”
“No, not at all,” I assured her, and she relaxed a little. “In order to buy the shop, he, um, he made some…adult films.”
Mom frowned. “Adult films?”
“He means pornography, dear,” Dad explained with a small smile.
“Oh.” Mom’s face cleared, and she laughed. “I wasn’t making the connection. For some reason, when you said adult films I thought you meant something like Gone with the Wind or Casablanca.”
God, kill me now. The last thing I ever thought I would have to do was explain porn to my parents, let alone that my boyfriend had participated in it. Well, my mother at least. My father had no trouble picking up on what I meant, and I did not want to know why.
“I wasn’t expecting that,” Mom said, and Dad nodded. “I can certainly see it though.”
I frowned. “Um, what?”
“Heath is such a big, strapping man. I can definitely see how he would succeed in that type of career,” Mom explained.
My face heated as I groaned. Why? Why me?
“Oh, yes, I see what you mean, dear,” Dad agreed, and I wished a hole would open in the floor and swallow me up. “And you say he did this to earn the money to purchase his business?”
“Um, yes.”
“I assume he tried conventional methods for getting the money? Taking out a loan from a bank and such?”
“He said they turned him down because he was young and had no collateral.”
“I’m not surprised,” Dad said, and that made me feel slightly better. “And he made enough that he was able to purchase his shop outright?”
“Yes.”
“How long ago was that?”
“You mean when did he stop?”
“Yes, and when did he start?”
I frowned at my father, wondering where the hell he was going with this. “He started when he was twenty-one and did it for about three years.”
“At the same time he was learning his current trade?”
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I didn’t ask, but I know you have to apprentice first before you can become a full fledged artist.”
“That must have been difficult for him.”
I just shrugged. I doubted getting paid to have sex with beautiful men was much of a hardship.
“From what I’ve gathered, Heath didn’t have an easy childhood nor did he have the same advantages you and your brothers had,” Dad said. “I could see how he felt like he didn’t have any other choice if he wanted to see his dream become a reality.”
“Yeah, maybe, but he didn’t have to hide it from me,” I pointed out.
“I’m not surprised he did,” Mom spoke up.
“I’m not either.” Dad nodded. “I’m sure he was ashamed and afraid of what it would mean for your relationship.”
“Especially given your track record,” Mom added.
“What?” I frowned.
Mom sighed. “We love you, Neddie. You know we do, but you can’t deny that you’ve actively avoided getting involved with anyone for a long time, and we all know why.”
I swallowed hard. “We do?”
“You probably had your heart broken and you decided it was easier not to get involved than to take a chance.”
That was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth. Thank God. I never wanted my parents to know what happened to me. Not because I didn’t trust them but because nothing good would come of it. All it would do was hurt them and make them feel guilty and I carried enough guilt for all of us.
“For so long, I’ve been afraid you were going to be alone and unhappy for the rest of your life,” Mom continued. “When you told us about Heath, I thought you’d finally opened your heart again and it made me happy to know you were going to be taken care of and know love.
“I know you’re upset that he kept this from you, but I also know if it hadn’t been this it would have been something else you used to push him away. You’ve gotten so used to being alone that you’re afraid of being with someone, of letting someone in, but you don’t have to be, Neddie. The love of the right person makes all the difference.”
I would have been angry about the attempted guilt trip, but I couldn’t be. Not when there were tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice. Not when she was right.
I was afraid of so many things when it came to being with Heath.
“Your mother’s right,” Dad said, reaching over to take her hand. “Loving the right person can make all the difference in the world, and for what it�
��s worth, I think Heath is that person for you.”
“Why?” I whispered.
Dad gave me a fond smile. “Since you met Heath, you’re happier than I’ve seen in years, maybe even your entire life.”
“You are, and it’s been the most beautiful thing to watch,” Mom said. “Gives my old heart hope that maybe one day all of my boys can find that same happiness.”
I know she didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but I still huffed a small laugh at the implication. If the most closed off one of all could find someone then the others were definitely safe from ending up alone forever.
“I know it’s frightening to give someone else that much power over your heart, but that’s what love is, honey,” Mom said softly. “It’s a leap of faith.”
“Love is many things and not all of them are easy,” Dad said. “Don’t be afraid to take that leap, son. Don’t let your fear keep you from something great. Something, dare I say, you clearly want.”
I did. I wanted it, wanted Heath, wanted him so badly. I’d never met a man like him. Heath had been through so much. Instead of letting it drag him down, he used it to raise him up and make him better. How could I fault him for that?
Loving someone meant loving all of them, even the parts that weren’t always pretty. It meant accepting them for who they were and not trying to change them because you didn’t have to; because you were happy with who they were.
Heath had given me all of that. It hurt that I hadn’t done that for him in the first place, but I wasn’t going to dwell on it.
I was going to do what I should have done in the first place. I was going to stand by my man.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Heath
Two days. That’s how long it had been since Ned had asked me to leave and I hadn’t heard from him since. Not a phone call or even a text and no surprise visits to the shop.
As sad as it was, I was like one of Pavlov’s dogs every time I heard the bell above the shop. I kept looking up, hoping Damian would be leading Ned to my station. Deep down, I knew it wouldn’t happen, knew it was over between us, but I couldn’t stop that conditioned response.
Going Inksane (Nice Ink Book 1) Page 27