“He’s just ignorant, Freddy,” said the woman, smiling kindly at Uncle Henry, and they drifted off.
“Ah, that solves that. Now that they mention it, I knew something was wrong with the water. It isn’t running perpendicular to the shore in the manner of oceans, but parallel to it. Let this be the deciding factor when determining ocean or river, Rupert. Let it be instructive—watch the direction in which the water flows. But who knew there were two Coney Islands? Well, you learn something every day. Explains the boardwalk situation. Not to mention why we could suddenly see across to France. Yuk yuk.” Uncle Henry began chuckling wryly, but stopped when he caught a glimpse of Rupert’s face.
Rupert had turned pale and was sitting on the bench shaking ever so slightly.
“Rupert, speak to me, what’s the matter? Are you going to faint again? As I recall, that seemed to be your special talent at Christmas.”
“That couple?” said Rupert, swaying slightly in shock.
Uncle Henry nodded as the two of them watched the know-it-all pair make their way down the beach.
“They’re my mom and dad.”
DON’T BE ridiculous, Rupert,” said Uncle Henry. “They’re far too young to have a ten-year-old boy. They look to be teenagers themselves.”
“Well, you said this was 1970-something,” said Rupert.
Uncle Henry stopped and thought for a moment. “That’s true. Yes, then that would be about right.”
He flagged down a passing family who were looking for some place to sit to eat their giant bowls of funnel cake.
“You folks,” said Uncle Henry. “You can have this bench if you tell us what year it is.”
“1971,” said the father.
“Rupert, get up and give the family your seat,” said Uncle Henry.
Rupert stood up and the family spread out on the bench and began greedily lifting their funnel cake bowls, tilting them toward their mouths, and dripping melted ice cream and chocolate sauce down their fronts.
“Wow! That was an easy one,” said one of the kids. “Do you have other questions? Will you give me something for telling you it’s September? What else can we win?”
“Nothing. Game’s over,” said Uncle Henry. “And by the way, how do you like those funnel things?”
“Are you kidding, greatest invention on earth,” said the mother.
“Except for the cotton candy dipped caramel apple burgers,” said one of the boys. “They’re even better.”
“They don’t make them anymore,” said the mother. “Not since that man had a heart attack while eating one. It was in the newspaper. His family sued.”
Rupert groaned involuntarily. He would be too late for the cotton candy dipped caramel apple burger. He’d never eaten any of those things singly except for the apple, but he had seen them all being eaten today by passersby and he felt all of them together must be heaven.
“Come along,” said Uncle Henry irritably. “Don’t ruin these nice folks’ appetites by drooling on their shoes. And stop making that dying cow sound. How many times have I told you, if you must be a waif, be a cheerful waif.”
“You’ve never told me that,” said Rupert in some confusion as Uncle Henry pulled him along. “Where are we going now?”
“I thought it was obvious. We’re going to follow your parents and look for our opportunity.”
“Our opportunity for what?” asked Rupert. He had known his parents for nearly eleven years and he couldn’t think what kind of opportunity they would ever afford anyone.
“To lift your dad’s wallet.”
“We’re going to steal from my father?” asked Rupert in dismay.
“Nonsense, think of it as a loan,” said Uncle Henry. “He’s your father, for God’s sake.”
This sounded extremely dubious to Rupert. “What if they need the money?”
“So do we,” said Uncle Henry decidedly.
“What if he sees me?” asked Rupert. “I don’t think they noticed me before on the bench.”
“Are you kidding? It’s 1971. You haven’t even been born yet. We’ll steal his wallet and get some food and go on some rides and have a nice day and then we can go back to our own time and it will be like nothing ever happened. No harm, no foul.”
“We can’t do that!” said Rupert in alarm. “Our teacher read us a story by Ray Bradbury and these people go back in time just like we have and are supposed to touch nothing but they accidentally step on a butterfly and when they get back to their own time that one little accident has changed everything.”
“That’s fiction!” said Uncle Henry.
“But what if that does happen?”
“Well, I hate to tell you, Rupert, but I’ve already squished a mosquito that was biting me, so I guess I’ve changed the course of history already. In for a penny, in for a pound.”
“Oh, I don’t like this,” said Rupert. “What if now we go back to our own time but we never were.”
“Oh, buck up, don’t you want a funnel cake?” asked Uncle Henry, still pulling Rupert along.
They found Rupert’s parents standing in line for the roller coaster.
“Perfect,” said Uncle Henry. “Your father’s paying no attention to his pants pocket. This is going to be a piece of cake.”
“Have you ever done this before?” asked Rupert.
“One or two times,” said Uncle Henry vaguely. “And frankly, I’m surprised you haven’t. You’re the one without any money. Didn’t this ever occur to you as a source of income?”
“STEALING?” squealed Rupert.
“Shush, do you want someone to sic the fuzz on us? Now, we just need to get up behind him.”
“We can’t do that because they’re not going to let us in line without tickets,” said Rupert. “Let’s just go home.”
“Let’s just go home?” mimicked Uncle Henry in disbelief. “You are a spineless little jellyfish, aren’t you? What are they making children out of these days? Rupert, I hate to say it, but you’re a total washout as a partner in crime.”
“I don’t want to be your partner in crime,” wailed Rupert. “I don’t want to steal from my own father.”
“He’s not your father yet,” said Uncle Henry. “Try to think of it that way. Or here’s another way—if he’s your father, it isn’t stealing, it’s just borrowing from the family coffers.”
“I don’t want to borrow from a bunch of dead persons, that’s even worse!” cried Rupert.
This stumped Uncle Henry for a moment until a light went on and he said, “That’s coffers, not coffins, you little ignoramus. I thought you were the genius child. Really, Rupert, I don’t see how you won all those prizes at Christmas. I really don’t.”
“I had something to eat that day,” said Rupert miserably.
“Right. Well, we’re working on that. You have had one good insight. You were right when you said we can’t get behind your father without tickets for the ride. Hmmm, what to do, what to do?”
As Uncle Henry said this he brushed up against a bunch of people standing in a knot trying to decide which ride to choose. One of them was trailing a long string of tickets but didn’t seem to be paying much attention to them.
“Come on,” Uncle Henry whispered to Rupert. “Our ship has come in!”
And to Rupert’s astonishment Uncle Henry sidled up and, before Rupert could say anything, ripped off half a dozen tickets from the man’s string. Then he pulled Rupert to the ticket taker at the roller coaster ride.
Once in line, Uncle Henry moved them slowly forward, cutting in front of everyone by saying, “Excuse us, excuse us, this young man’s gotten separated from his family! Poor fellow is about to cry!” He pinched Rupert surreptitiously and whispered, “Cry, Rupert!”
“I will not!” Rupert whispered back.
In this way they slowly moved up the line. No one seemed to really mind. Uncle Henry was dressed in his usual impeccable silk polo shirt and chinos with his rich person’s haircut and penny loafers with no socks. His appe
arance fairly screamed I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, GET OUT OF MY WAY! He was not the sort of person anyone would suspect of lying or trying to cut ahead in line without a sound reason. And Rupert was just a pathetic-looking child. The sun was hot and people were full of funnel cakes and various confections and had no energy to argue anyway. Before they knew it, Uncle Henry and Rupert were standing right behind Rupert’s dad.
“Oh, Freddy, do you really think we should do this?” asked Rupert’s mom. “I’m scared. I’ve never been on a roller coaster.”
“Delia, don’t worry, I’ll hold you tight.”
“Oh, would you, Freddy?” asked Rupert’s mom. “I think I might feel safer if you would.”
“Oh yuck,” said Uncle Henry. But Rupert was mesmerized. He had never heard his parents talk to each other this way before. He had never heard them do anything but snipe at each other.
“I’m so lucky I met you here,” said Rupert’s mom. “I almost didn’t come to Coney Island. I had to get talked into it by my girlfriends, and, say, speaking of them, I oughta let them know where I am. I was supposed to spend the day with them.”
“Yeah, well, they’ll figure it out,” said Freddy. “So where did you all come from?”
“Well, I used to live in Kentucky. I just moved to Steelville this summer when I graduated high school. My family wanted me to stay in Kentucky, but what was there for me? I was the first person in my family to graduate high school and I said I wasn’t wasting my diploma in those hills. I wanted to make something of myself. One of my girlfriends said she was going to Steelville because she heard the steelworks there was hiring, so I went along. It’s been real different and exciting too, Freddy.”
“Huh,” said Freddy. “That’s cool.”
“Where are you from, Freddy?”
“Well, that’s kind of the coincidence. I come from Kentucky too. But I moved to Cincinnati.”
“Gee, where in Kentucky? I’m from Pikeville.”
“Oh, here and there. You know.”
“Did you graduate this year too?
“Sort of,” said Freddy.
“Whaddya do here in Cincinnati?” asked Rupert’s mom. “I bet you found a better job than me.”
“Oh, this and that,” said Freddy. “What do you do, anyway?”
“Well, when I got to the steelworks it was kind of bad luck because the only job they said they had for me was cleaning the offices, but, you know, I figure it’s a starter job and it won’t be long before I’ve got something much better. I hear they really move you up fast at the steelworks. You know, once you get your foot in the door. I’m going to be management someday, Freddy, and I’m going to get a suit and a pair of real crocodile pumps and I’m going to go home to Kentucky and walk up and down Main Street in ’em so everyone can see.”
“Well, I bet there’s more jobs in Cincinnati than Steelville,” observed Rupert’s dad sagely. “Because it’s, you know, much bigger.”
“Oh, you bet, but Cincinnati would be too big for me. I was looking at it when we drove in and I thought, jeez, I’d get lost here. But I bet you don’t get lost, do you?”
“Yeah, not much,” said Freddy.
“Do you like it a lot here, Freddy?”
“I dunno. Not so much maybe. It doesn’t have as much going for it as I thought it would.”
“Well, there’s supposed to be lots of jobs coming up in Steelville. Everybody’s talking about it. How they’ll get a better job soon. Maybe you want to come try to get a job at the steelworks.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. I got maybe an iron or two in the fire. I would hate to, you know, miss out on those.”
“Yeah, I get it, but then maybe we could see each other more.” Rupert’s mother blushed.
“Well, hey, I got an idea. Why don’t you tell those friends of yours that I’ll give you a ride home after the fireworks tonight? I got a real cool Trans Am I’m working on. It only broke down once on the way here.”
“Gee, do you know all about cars too, Freddy?”
“Yeah, pretty much everything there is.”
“I always admire a guy who knows about cars,” said Delia, and squeezed his arm again.
While they were chatting and Rupert was listening enthralled, Uncle Henry was inching his hand closer and closer to Rupert’s dad’s back pocket. His fingers were poised right over the bulging wallet when Freddy leaned back, slid both his hands into his back pockets and stretched. Uncle Henry barely had time to snatch his own hand out of the way.
“NO!” whispered Uncle Henry ferociously. “NO! I was this close.”
“Now what?” Rupert whispered back.
But at that moment the roller coaster stopped and people began exiting. The ticket taker started to put the new crowd on.
“We’ll just have to wait until we sit next to him in the roller coaster car. They sit you four across,” said Uncle Henry. “I’ll make sure to maneuver it so I sit next to him. During the ride when he’s screaming in terror, I’ll lift the wallet.”
“But he’ll be sitting on it,” said Rupert.
“I’ll figure out something,” muttered Uncle Henry as they shuffled forward. To their dismay, Rupert’s parents were seated with the couple who stood in front of them in line instead.
“No, no, no,” said Uncle Henry as they were escorted to seats behind Rupert’s parents. He bounced up and down in his seat, getting frowns from the couple seated next to them who wanted to maneuver the safety bar down over the four of them, but Uncle Henry’s jumping prohibited it.
“I’m sorry,” said Uncle Henry, tapping the man sitting next to Freddy on the shoulder. “But you are in our seats. Let’s all get up and switch.”
“Whah?” said the man, turning around and looking at Uncle Henry as if he were crazy.
“You’re sitting where we meant to sit,” said Uncle Henry with a show of extreme patience.
“Get outta here!” said the man, turning back to face the front again.
“Can you just let us put the bar down? They’re about to start the ride,” said the woman sitting next to Uncle Henry politely. She glanced nervously at the man running the roller coaster. He had seated everyone and was headed back to the controls.
“Yeah, sit down and pipe down,” said the man sitting next to Freddy. “Or we’ll have you put off!”
“Oh, I very much doubt that, young man,” said Uncle Henry. “I own half of Steelville.”
“Who cares?” said the man. “This is Cincinnati.”
“Hey,” said Freddy, turning around and addressing Uncle Henry. “Do you have anything to do with jobs at the steelworks?”
“I do, indeed, my fine fellow. And what is your name?” asked Uncle Henry.
“Freddy Brown,” said Rupert’s father.
“Well, I’ll have to see some I.D. to corroborate that,” said Uncle Henry.
“They’re starting the ride!” said the woman sitting next to Uncle Henry. “We’ve got to put the bar down now! Do you want to fall out of this thing?”
“Not especially,” said Uncle Henry. “But this will only take a second. If you could just get your wallet out, Mr. Brown? And pass it to me? I’ll get your I.D. out myself and return it to you at the end of the ride.”
“Hey,” said Rupert’s mom, turning around and looking at Uncle Henry. “You’re the guy from earlier. The one who didn’t know what state he was in. Freddy, this guy doesn’t own half of Steelville. He’s a flake.”
“Jeez, you’re right, Delia, good call. I should’ve known. I never get a break.” Rupert’s dad’s face fell and he squirmed back around to face forward.
The woman sitting next to Uncle Henry pushed him down properly in his seat, grabbed the safety bar, and yanked it in front of the four of them, and the car began its slow climb.
“Listen, Mac,” called Rupert’s dad over his shoulder. “I catch you hassling me or my girlfriend again and you’ll be sorry!”
“Oh,” said Delia, fluttering. “Am I really your girlfriend alre
ady, Freddy?”
But before Freddy could answer, the cars had dropped and they all stopped talking and started screaming instead.
Rupert forgot about everything but the sensation of the air rushing past him and the dizzying sense that he was no longer upright. Around in a horrible upside-down loop they flew. He thought he might throw up but before he could, the car slowed down again and he opened his eyes to find them rolling gradually to a stop on level ground at the ride’s exit.
“Well,” Uncle Henry said as they walked shakily off the car and made their way to a nearby bench where they both put their heads down between their knees. “I planned to lift his wallet when they got up to leave but I was feeling a bit shaky there, Rupert, boy. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a roller coaster. If I ever suggest going on one of those death machines again, please do dissuade me.”
“So it was a bust,” said Rupert from his upside-down position.
“Not entirely,” said Uncle Henry, sitting up again. “We’ve still got four tickets. Come on, there they are, walking down the midway. Let’s follow them. We’re sure to get another opportunity.”
Uncle Henry and Rupert managed to get behind Rupert’s parents as they stood in line for the shooting gallery.
“Are you going to win me something, Freddy?” asked Delia.
“Yeah, I’m pretty good with a gun,” said Freddy. “I’ve been hunting squirrels since I was six. And listen, we can get some eats and take them down to the river and find a good spot for the fireworks.”
“Oh, Freddy, that would be divine,” said Delia. “You have the best ideas of anyone I ever met.”
“Yeah, I think my ideas are really, like, one of my best traits. My last girlfriend always said, you’re gonna make a million bucks with those ideas, Freddy.”
“Oh, I believe you are,” said Delia, looking up at him with shining eyes.
Uncle Henry almost had his hand in Freddy’s pocket when Freddy reached around to take out his wallet.
“Darn it!” said Uncle Henry. “The kid’s got radar.”
“YOU again!” said Freddy, as his hand brushed Uncle Henry’s retreating fingers. “Are you following us?”
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