“As you may have guessed, I am going back to get my jewels,” said Aunt Hazelnut.
“I forgot all about them,” admitted Rupert. “But won’t the police be staking out the joint?” He had heard this expression once on television.
“Staking out the…? Why? I told them that the robbers didn’t get away with anything and I wouldn’t press charges. Of course, they’re still wanted for creating havoc and firing off guns and such, but the police in Steelville are, to put it mildly, underachievers, so I think we have nothing to fear on that front.”
They drove on a bit longer in silence. Then Rupert said, “But why am I coming?”
“You saw that pipe where the jewels fell?”
Rupert nodded.
“Well, I can’t possibly fit in there, girlish figure though I have. And neither can Charlie or Chas if they were stupid enough to stick around there. It takes someone about…your size…”
“Oh, right,” said Rupert, who didn’t like the sound of this at all.
“It’s not like you have to go into a mucky hole,” said Aunt Hazelnut with false cheer. “It’s just a pipe.”
“Right,” Rupert said again.
“And afterward, to say thank you, I thought I’d take you someplace for a really good dinner.”
“Oh, wow!” said Rupert, all thought of getting stuck or even perhaps lost in some horrible underground pipework vanishing at the thought of a whole meal.
“I’ll take you to any restaurant you’d like.”
“McDonald’s,” said Rupert unhesitatingly. He had drooled over McDonald’s commercials for years. Everyone he knew, even the poor kids at school, seemed to have gone there. They got Happy Meals. The meals came with toys. He could eat the meal and bring the toy home to Elise. Or maybe he could even save her part of the meal. Although once he got started eating, as he knew from Christmas, best intentions though he might have, it was terribly hard if not impossible to stop. Maybe Aunt Hazelnut would buy Elise her own Happy Meal.
“McDonald’s? I think we can do a bit better than that,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “What about the Wilmar Steak House?”
“Oh no, McDonald’s is really where I want to go. That’s my choice,” said Rupert. “Please. I’ve always wanted to go to there.”
“Well, all right,” said Aunt Hazelnut.
They drove in silence the rest of the way to the farm. When they got there they went into the barn and were surprised to find Charlie and Chas sitting on the fender of the getaway car.
“What kind of no-account police department doesn’t even search the place?” asked Charlie. “Those cops didn’t return once to see if we’d come back to the farm. I mean, I don’t want to be arrested, but it’s no fun being a master criminal when they make it so easy for you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re no master criminal,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “Not even close. I’d bet you anything the cops have been doing patrols to see if your car has returned to the farm. Better keep your car in the barn until you leave. And then better leave fast.”
“Aw, do you always have to be so deflating?” said Charlie.
“How is Charlie ever going to have any self-esteem with you going at him like this?” said Chas.
“I only tell the truth,” said Aunt Hazelnut primly. “It’s one of the reasons Charlie loves me. Why aren’t you boys long gone?”
“We thought we’d wait for you to return and help you retrieve the jewels,” said Chas.
“Thank you,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “That’s very kind.”
“And then, you know, I thought maybe you’d want to give us another chance,” said Charlie, circling the dirt with the toe of his tennis shoe.
Aunt Hazelnut paused and stared into space for a moment as if framing what to say. Finally, she said, “That’s very kind of you, Charlie. And a wonderful offer for someone. Only unfortunately not for me. My heart will always be with Joe. There’s no accounting for these things. And the sooner you get over me and move on, the better.”
“Yeah, well, I just thought I’d ask,” said Charlie. “You know, ’cause I’ve got nothing else going on right now. I pretty well am over you anyhow.”
“Really?” said Aunt Hazelnut, sounding not at all pleased. “Well!”
There was an awkward silence while everyone looked in different directions with varying degrees of irritation on their faces.
Finally, Chas said, “Well, let’s get to it, shall we?”
“Yes, indeed, let’s,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “And let’s shake a leg. My car isn’t hidden in the barn. I want to be done and out of here in case the cops come looking. Now, I brought Rupert along to get the jewels out of the pipe. He’s the only one of us who will fit, if I’m not mistaken.”
“Good thinking,” said Charlie. Despite his claims of being over Aunt Hazelnut, he seemed depressed. And in no hurry to get the jewels and race off. He sat on the fender chewing on the end of an old cigar and gazing through the open barn door into the distance.
“HURRY UP!” said Aunt Hazelnut. “Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said?”
But when Charlie just looked at her glumly in response, Aunt Hazelnut sighed and walked over and sat next to him.
“Listen, you two geniuses got any other plans now that this bank robbery thing hasn’t worked out?”
“Yeah, we got us some backup plans,” said Charlie.
“Like what?”
“Well, in one you and I get married and live happily ever after,” said Charlie.
“Right, we’ve already established that that’s not going to happen,” said Aunt Hazelnut.
“I don’t see why not. It’s not like staying true to Joe’s memory will bring him back. I was lying before. I love you to pieces. I always will, Nutty.”
“I know, Charlie.”
“And I think you love me too.”
“I suppose I do in a way. Or I could. I won’t say there hasn’t always been an exciting spark between us. If I hadn’t met and married Joe, you and I might have been a thrilling match. But the thing is, Charlie, Joe just kind of wore me out. The way really big emotions sustained over time can wear you out. That part of me anyway. He loved me so strong, that sometimes, it was like he was wind and I was stone and it was eroding away what there was of me. I wasn’t stone anymore. I was stone shaped by the wind.”
“Didn’t you love him too?” asked Rupert, for he was leaning against the side of Aunt Hazelnut’s car listening avidly. This was another glimpse into the adult world of love and marriage, and totally different from the one Mrs. Rivers had given him. Were there so many different ways to be in a marriage, he wondered? How much was his parents’ like either of these? Or was it something different altogether? It had always puzzled him. Why his parents weren’t simply divorced like so many parents at his school.
“I loved him extravagantly. That’s why I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t be the receptacle of your love, Charlie, and I wouldn’t want to. I guess I’ll just take my jewels and go home. So tell me, what’s your plan? You can’t go back to Steelville.”
“That’s sure as shooting,” said Chas.
“Well then, what?”
“We got a few ideas up our sleeves,” said Charlie.
“Okay,” said Aunt Hazelnut, nodding. “What’s one?”
“We become astronauts,” said Charlie.
Aunt Hazelnut gave a short bark of laughter.
“What? That’s so funny to you?” asked Chas. “Like we got less of a chance to become astronauts than you have to be a fisherman or some such?”
“I’m sorry I laughed, boys,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “But it doesn’t seem like such a sound plan to me. I mean, I’m sure there’re tests and things you have to take to be astronauts. They don’t want two fifty-something-year-old boys from Ohio past their prime. You got to train up when you’re young.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” said Charlie. “I mean, what we may lack in youthfulness we can make up for in steady nerves and stamina. It’s t
he old folks who have stamina, because they’ve been through so much they’ve had no choice but to endure. They know how to do it.”
“Well, you might be right at that,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “I sure shouldn’t be raining on that parade.” Then, as if she’d lost all interest in their career plans, she turned to Rupert. “Listen, Rupert, you gonna go down that pipe or what?”
“Oh, right,” said Rupert, and walked over to the entrance to the big pipe. It had been installed vertically. He looked down its big black center but could see nothing at all.
“How am I supposed to go down this thing?” he asked. “I can’t just drop down it. I can’t see how far or where it goes. It’s just a big dark hole.”
“Well, I don’t think it goes down too far, does it, boys?” asked Aunt Hazelnut to Charlie and Chas, who had come to peer down it with Rupert. “Not more than ten or twelve feet.”
“Something like that,” said Charlie. “Why don’t you jump in and find out?”
“I don’t want to jump into a big dark empty hole,” said Rupert.
“Boy’s got the sense he was born with,” said Chas. “I got some rope in my car. Let’s tie it around his waist and lower him down, Charlie.”
So the rope was gotten and they lowered Rupert down the pipe. It wasn’t too bad. It was dark but he could still see Charlie’s and Chas’s faces at the top and they didn’t have to lower him too far. At the bottom he felt around on the ground and easily found the bag of jewels.
“GOT THEM!” he yelled up the pipe, and they pulled him back up.
“Well, okay then,” said Aunt Hazelnut when Rupert had handed over the jewels. “I guess we’ll be going and you boys are off to Florida to become astronauts. Is that where they train?”
“I dunno,” said Charlie. “I guess we’ll be looking into it. We could just head down that way.”
“I think the place they train you for the circus is in Florida too,” said Chas. “If we can’t get into the program to become astronauts, we could maybe go to circus school.”
“That sounds exciting,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “Look out for the elephants.”
“I don’t like elephants,” said Charlie.
“Who doesn’t like elephants, what’s the matter with you?” said Chas.
“I don’t even like horses. If we’re driving all the way down there, I think you should know that about me,” said Charlie.
“Well, fair enough,” said Chas, nodding.
“And you, you just heading back to put those jewels in the bank again?” Charlie asked Aunt Hazelnut. “That’s it? Nothing new, no great ventures, no leaps forward for you?”
“NO!” shouted Rupert suddenly. He would not normally have had the courage for this, but somehow something seemed compelled from some deep part of him. Some part of him that had listened to this adult conversation, taken it in, and now couldn’t help what he felt to be the truth of the matter from coming out. “Don’t you see, Aunt Hazelnut? Joe didn’t give you those jewels for you to visit them once a year and keep his memory alive. He gave them to you as a kind of security in case anything happened to him, so you had a way to leave and find your life. To finally find it after having been, well, part of something you weren’t. Something you never were, twice over. Not a Macintosh, not a Rivers. He wanted you to find out who you really are. What good would he think it would do you to keep a bunch of jewels in a bank vault year after year? And he must have known you wouldn’t wear them.”
“No, I never have liked jewelry,” said Aunt Hazelnut. “It itches me.”
“Well, you see then. What you need to do is go sell the jewels; go sell them before you chicken out again. And head on out to the West Coast.”
“To be a fisherman?” asked Aunt Hazelnut, imploring Rupert for information as if he were some sort of guru.
“Right,” said Rupert a bit less certainly.
But Aunt Hazelnut took this response at face value and a wild look came into her eye. The hand holding the bag of jewels was trembling visibly. “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it NOW!” she screeched, and ran to her car. “I’m gonna do it before I chicken out. Thank you, boys. I would never have done this without all of you. Thank you for everything!” She got in her car and zoomed off.
Rupert, Charlie, and Chas watched her car until it was a dot in the distance. Then Rupert said, “How am I supposed to get home?”
“Come on,” said Charlie. “We’ll give you a lift to the edge of town. Nutty is right, we gotta get out of here in case they got a patrol car going by periodically. And we don’t dare head into Steelville in case Chas’s teller girlfriend ratted us out. You don’t mind walking from there, do you?”
Rupert shook his head. Visions of McDonald’s danced through it. In all the fuss about new lives and trading in jewels, the dinner plan had been forgotten.
He wondered if he could ask Charlie and Chas if they were going to stop for dinner somewhere. Then he decided he couldn’t. It would be too much like begging. It would be embarrassing.
Fortunately, the Browns’ house was on the edge of town, so when Charlie and Chas stopped the car by the power station, Rupert only had a half block to go.
“I hope you haven’t got too long a walk, kid,” said Charlie.
“No, my house is right there,” said Rupert, pointing.
“That’s where you live?” asked Charlie.
Rupert nodded. Charlie and Chas looked at each other.
“Want to come to Florida?” asked Charlie.
“No, thank you,” said Rupert, who wanted nothing so much at that moment as to eat his oatmeal and kitchen scraps and join his brothers under the bed. He opened his door and got out. “Are you really going to Florida?” he asked before closing the door.
“Yep,” they replied.
“To be what—astronauts or circus performers?”
“I guess we’ll have to see,” said Charlie.
Rupert closed the car door and they drove off. He thought he would wonder all his life now if they had become one or the other. Or if Aunt Hazelnut ever became a fisherman. You only got bits and pieces of most people’s lives, he thought. The only one you ever knew fully was your own.
But a couple of months later, when spring was just arriving, he got a bit more. He got a letter from Aunt Hazelnut.
Dear Rupert,
Although I don’t want anyone to find me (so tell no one where I have gone, especially not the Rivers family), I thought you at least should know where your good advice has taken me. I cashed in my jewels. They were worth a bloody fortune, I must tell you. And I went to Seattle to be a fisherman. But I chickened out when I got to Pike’s Place Fish Market. All those staring fish eyes. I didn’t think frankly I was up to the job. Also, the boats I walked by on the docks smelled very fishy. It was off-putting. I didn’t become this wild and free fishing person that I was in my fantasies. I was only me. It was disappointing to find that no matter where I took myself, I was still that, always only me.
So then I drove down the coast for a long way until I came to Mendocino. I stopped at a little B and B and that night I fell asleep to the sound of the sea. And there I was a me I could be. Not a fantasy me. A happy me in a place that felt like this was where that me belonged. So I bought a little house. I am running it as a B and B. I have a tiny garden and a view to the sea. Every morning I get up and make scones. There is always another chapter in life, Rupert, and thanks to you I have found mine.
Your good friend,
Aunt Hazelnut
P.S. Burn this letter.
So Rupert did.
EVERYTHING SETTLED down after that. When time went on, passing uneventfully, Rupert decided he’d had all the adventures with members of the Rivers family that he was apt to have. But things were looking up. Ohio was having a lovely, lush early spring. Tulips were blooming, the hillsides around Steelville were resplendently adorned in green grass. Big soft clouds drifted through the warm humid sky like illustrations from a children’s book. His father, as he did ev
ery spring, stopped watching TV and instead moved his Trans Am out of the garage and into the driveway, where he spent all day tinkering on it. Rupert sometimes sat in the driveway to watch him. They never said anything to each other, but there was a companionable silence and it was pleasant to be able to sit in the sun again. Rupert had yet to take off one of his three shirts, but he was no longer cold all the time and, best of all, his feet weren’t freezing and wet.
He was sitting contentedly in his classroom staring out the window as a persistent hummingbird tried to crash his way inside when the door of the classroom opened with a bang and there stood an officer of the law. He was a large, imposing man in a blue uniform and he had weapons attached to his belt. Everyone sat up a little straighter and Rupert’s teacher startled.
“Can I help you?” she asked, a worried little frown puckering her forehead.
“Sorry to disturb,” said the officer, “but I need to take Rupert Brown for the rest of the day.”
“What did he do?” shouted one boy from the back, and everyone laughed.
“That’s enough, children,” said Rupert’s teacher. “Rupert, gather your things. May I ask, Officer, what this is in reference to?”
“Mr. Brown here,” said the officer (all the children were mightily impressed with Rupert being called Mr. Brown), “was a witness to a serious crime. We need him in for questioning.”
“The attempted robbery and kidnapping again?” asked Rupert’s teacher.
“But I’ve already done that,” said Rupert in a small voice. He did not want to have to go to the police station again. He was also a little worried that the police had found either Aunt Hazelnut or Charlie and Chas and that he would somehow be in trouble for not telling the truth about it the first time. A police officer had also stopped by the school to question him and Turgid together in the principal’s office after Aunt Hazelnut had disappeared. Rupert had said he didn’t know where she had gone and had not heard from her. “After all,” he had added in what he considered to be a clever touch, “it’s not as if she and I were friends.”
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