by Meghan Quinn
I can’t tell you the excitement I had in my bones to be a dad. I was so fucking thrilled. I was going to do it right, I told myself. I was going to bring this baby into a loving home. I was going to take care of it and give it the childhood I wish I had.
I was going to do everything right.
And then everything went wrong. I couldn’t understand why I would lose my baby and Sadie at the same time, but after a lot of reflection, I’ve come to realize the home I wanted to bring that baby into wasn’t ready. And the love between Sadie and me was embellished in my head from many years of relying on her.
By the time she went to college, we weren’t in love, but were just latching on to what we’d had in the past. I’m not sure how much of a loving home we could have provided for that baby given our doomed relationship.
Would we have made it work? Yes, but sometimes bad things happen for a reason.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the baby, but I have to be grateful because from a horrific event came light.
I will always wonder about him or her. The baby will forever be in my heart, but I’m ready to move past the pain and be the man you deserve, because with great tragedy came an unexpected blessing: you.
I miss you. Wear my shirt tonight, dream of me.
Forever yours,
Tucker
The letter slips through my hands as I cry an ugly amount of tears. This man; this soulful, passionate, sincere man. His heartache is my heartache, and I’m feeling it all the way to my toes. This is what he has hidden from the world. From me. This is why his soul hadn’t completely healed. I get it.
I get you, Tucker.
Desperate, I call him. “Please pick up, please pick up,” I mutter, rocking back and forth on the floor.
When his voicemail comes on the line, again, I lean back on the floor, more tears pouring out of me.
“Hey, it’s Tucker. If this is Emma, please know I want nothing more than to be holding you right now, kissing your forehead, and chasing your heartache away. Just know, baby, I’m happy and you make me happy. If this is Racer, I’m not reimbursing you for the glitter paint, so don’t ask again.”
This time, I don’t laugh. Instead, I’m numb, lying on the ground, wishing for some kind of miracle that Tucker will soon be home, because I’m not sure I can go many more days without him.
***
“We did it!” Adalyn shouts, hands in the air as she runs in place in excitement.
“Does this mean you can take my pulse and be accurate?” Racer asks as he looks between Adalyn, Logan, and me.
Adalyn stops mid run and gives Racer a pointed look. “If you can’t take your own pulse you shouldn’t be a functioning member of society.”
“I get nervous I won’t be able to find one. I don’t want to be dead.”
Logan grips Racer on the shoulder. “If you’re able to feel around for a pulse, you’re not dead, man.”
Unable to concentrate on the banter, I look around the sea of people, trying to spot any semblance of the man I desperately want to see. For some reason, I thought maybe, just maybe he would show up for my graduation. But since he’s not with Racer, my hope is quickly vanishing.
My parents have already left for their car so they aren’t stuck in traffic forever. We have plans to go to dinner later. But before they left, we took our pictures, they kissed me on the cheek, and my dad slipped a check in my pocket. Classic Dad.
Sadie and Andrew sent me a huge bouquet of flowers, which brought tears to my eyes.
Sadie.
Before I received that first note from Tucker, while I was still feeling so confused, lost, and bereft, Sadie visited me. She told me that she understood why I’d felt I couldn’t tell her about our relationship. There was no anger, no malice, just a hint of sadness. But not for herself. For me. For Tucker.
She also said something very surprising. When she had looked at that picture of the two of us on the mantle, she had nearly cried. Not because she still loved and wanted Tucker, but because she saw Andrew in Tucker’s expression. She’d been shocked, naturally, but she’d also felt relief. She’d never seen that look in Tucker’s face before, and that was when she knew he was finally on his road to recovery. That was when she knew he was going to be okay. She held me as I cried for what seemed like hours. When she left, she told me to not lose hope. “Emma, there is no doubt in my mind that Tucker is in love with you. When he used to look at me, his expression was always one of neediness.” Picking up my favorite photo she said, “This man hugging you? I haven’t met this man. But I saw the potential in the boy with the sad eyes. I saw that despite the horrendous shit he’d been handed in life, he fought. He fought to hold on to me, because that is the faithful, adoring man inside him. He fought to be brilliant in his job, because he takes pride in everything he does. He’s been preparing all his life to be the best at everything he does, and you, my beautiful friend, will be the one who benefits from the hard knocks he’s experienced. He will give you his soul, his heart, his love.”
Now, after the weeks of focused Tucker loving, I know those words are true, but standing here feeling excited about my achievement, I can’t help feeling desperately sad as well. I have his soul, his heart, and his love, which for this moment, might need to be enough.
Racer must notice my searching because he comes up next to me and pulls a card out of his back pocket. “Sorry, Emma. He wanted to be here.”
That’s when my heart falls.
He’s not coming.
Resigned, I give Racer the best smile I can muster and take the card. While Adalyn takes pictures with Logan, I open the card. At least I’ll have his words today. I don’t know how he’s managed to get them all to me via Racer, especially the incredible timing. The effort that’s gone into it, the time. And for Racer to also be so invested . . . Tucker’s so incredible. How I wish I could hold him and tell him thank you. And I love you.
When I open it, it’s completely blank. I turn the card around, look in the envelope for anything I may have missed, but when I don’t see anything, I turn to Racer to see if he gave me the wrong card. I know he wouldn’t do it on purpose, but he’s had to do so much in the last few weeks.
That’s when I see a giant bouquet of peonies coming toward me and right behind them is the man of my dreams.
Chapter Twenty-Six
TUCKER
She’s so beautiful. Standing there in her green graduation gown, unzipped so I get a glimpse of her white, form-fitting dress underneath, I can’t help but think how goddamn lucky I am.
A few feet away stands the woman who captured my heart when I least expected it. She came back into my life as a friend and burrowed her soul into mine, making it almost impossible to breathe without her.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had Racer and Adalyn keep tabs on Emma’s emotional state for me. I needed to feel her out, to make sure my plan was working, because showing up today wouldn’t go well if she isn’t feeling the same way I am.
Thankfully, from what Racer has said, Emma wants me back, and fuck if I couldn’t get home quick enough.
I spent last night at Racer’s and this morning, I spoke with Julius. I demanded another raise for the bullshit he’s put me through and if he didn’t match what I was asking for, I would walk away.
With heavier pockets, I’m now ready to get my girl back.
I watch Racer hand her the card and hate when her face falls flat. I knew she would expect me to show up today. It was an obvious time to surprise her, but I couldn’t help it. This is the start of a new chapter in her life and I want to be a big part of it.
She flips the card around looking for any kind of note. There isn’t supposed to be. When she looks up, I know the minute she spots me because her eyes fill with tears and her hand goes to her mouth.
Knowing it’s my cue to move, I walk toward her, loving the way she is so overjoyed with emotion that she can’t control the tears that fall from her beautiful eyes.
“Hey, baby.”
“Tucker,” she says on a whisper. “You came.”
I reach up and wipe away her tears with my thumbs. God, I’ve missed her. “I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.” I take her in and smile brightly at her. “You look beautiful, Emma. Is that dress new?”
She nods. “It’s from you.”
“It’s perfect.”
She stands there, silent for a second before she turns to Adalyn and hands her the bouquet. With her hands now free, she walks up to me and without taking a second to think, she wraps her arms around my waist, her hands threading under my leather jacket. I return the embrace and prop my cheek on the top of her head.
I’m home.
Her lithe body shakes beneath me so I squeeze her tighter, letting her know I have her. When she pulls back to look at me, she says, “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you more, Emma.” I tilt my head toward a concrete wall. “Can we talk for a second?”
She nods and then tells the group we’ll be back. When I turn to look at our friends, they’re all standing in a line together, smiling brightly, even Logan. Maybe that guy isn’t as bad as I thought he was . . . maybe.
With her hand in mine, I guide her to the half wall and lift her up on it. I position myself between her legs so we’re looking each other in the eyes. I stroke her cheek, wiping away her tears and she presses her hands on my shoulders.
“I can’t believe you’re here. When Racer handed me the card, I really thought I was going to break in half. I just wanted you home.”
“I wanted to be home, believe me.” I rub my hands on her thighs gently and say, “I’m sorry—”
She presses her finger against my lips. “No more apologizing, no more explaining. You have done enough of both.” She cups my cheek. “Tucker, you wrote that you admire me, well, the feeling is mutual. You’ve been through hell and back, and yet you stand here on your own two feet, able to listen, to provide for yourself, for me, and to open your heart once again.” Her thumb strokes over my cheek. “You have taught me about perseverance, about the strength a human possesses, and that despite your upbringing and influences, you rose above it all and became the most beautifully broken man I’ve ever met.” She leans forward and presses her forehead against mine. “I love you, Tucker. And I want to be yours forever.”
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, trying to comprehend her words and the impact they have on my soul.
She loves me.
Emma. Marks. Loves. Me.
I’m where I belong, in her arms, in the only place that’s only felt like home to me.
I press a kiss against her lips and say, “I love you, Emma. This right here, this feeling of being in your arms, it’s home. It’s as if I’ve waited so damn long to love someone as much as I love you. You’re it for me, Emma. My love, my soul, my home.”
She presses her hand against my chest, right over my heart and she says, “You’re where you belong.”
And she couldn’t be closer to the truth.
I grew up believing the love I felt for Sadie was as good as it gets. Life is funny, and right when you think you have it all figured out, it throws you for a loop. Some of the darkest days bring the lightest of life-changing moments. I know this is true because Emma is my light.
Who would have thought that the night I saw Emma at the bar would be the moment to completely redirect my future?
I hated being at my house alone. I hated every second of its emptiness, of what it represented. It felt like a glaring reminder of my failure.
And then there was Emma. Bright, beautiful, and sassy-mouthed Emma Marks.
She didn’t just transform the empty walls of my house into a home; she transformed me. Her light. Her love. Her brightness changed me from being a mere shadow. A desperately despondent and aimless man.
I’m not reliant on her love to hold me up. That was the old me.
With a home that feels like home, a gorgeous woman in my forever, I’m a man fulfilled. I’m a man with hope. I’m a man with love.
I’m DJ Hot Cock, a fucking lucky bastard, ready to make music with my DJ Jazzy Nurse Tits.
Forever.
EPILOGUE
TUCKER
“I swear to God, Racer, if you don’t stop poking me I’m going to kick you in the dick.”
He puts his hands down and hops in place. “I’m just so excited. How can you not be excited?”
Maybe because I’m fucking terrified. We spent the entire day during one of Emma’s twelve-hour shifts fixing up the deck in the backyard and making it into a little oasis for Emma to enjoy when she wants to relax with an Old Fashioned after a long day on her feet.
We woke up really fucking early, stained the deck, built the furniture I purchased, including a coffee table fire pit, and hung bulb lights across the entire deck. There is a log ready to be burned, s’mores ready to be consumed, and a question on the tip of my tongue ready to be asked.
“You know, you can go around the corner and wait with everyone else. You don’t have to stand here.”
“But then you would be by yourself. Plus I enjoy seeing you sweat.” He tickles my cheek with his finger that I swat away.
“Get the fuck out of here.” The sound of a car door shutting rings through the night. Eyes wide, I turn to Racer and whisper, “Go, now!”
“Fine.” He holds up his hands and then pulls me into a bear hug. “Ugh, my little man is all grown-up.”
“Christ.” I push him off me and straighten my polo. “I’m seriously calling on Smalls whenever I need help now.”
“Lies, so many fucking lies.”
Racer takes off before I can respond and hides next to garage with everyone else.
My stomach is flipping a mile a minute and my entire body feels shaky, so I stuff my hands in my dark jeans and try to calm my racing nerves.
I hear the kitchen door shut and I know she’s seeing the sign to meet me out back. Since the door to the deck is right off the kitchen, it’s going to be hard to miss the new lights illuminating the backyard, but hopefully she won’t see everything from the kitchen window.
I see her in the window and my heart rate picks up. She opens the door and peeks out first, a giant smile on that gorgeous face. “What did you do?” she asks as she steps out onto the deck and takes it all in.
Damn, she looks so cute in her scrubs.
“I wanted to give you a little place to relax after your long days,” I reply while walking up to her and linking our hands together.
“Tucker, you’ve given me an entire house to relax in. You didn’t have to do this.”
“I know I didn’t, I wanted to.” I kiss the top of her head and spin her around to the light music that’s playing in the background. “What do you think?”
I hold her close to me as we slow dance on the deck; her eyes trail over the lights, the moonlit sky above us. When she meets my eyes, she says, “It’s perfect.”
“Almost perfect.”
I spin her around one last time before dropping to my knee. I hold on to her hand as the other goes to her mouth. “Tucker . . .” she whispers as I pull a ring box out of my pocket.
Taking a deep breath, I look her in the eyes and say, “Emma, you came back into my life when all I could see was darkness surrounding me. You moved into our house when I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to still live there myself. You helped me see the beauty in the place we call home. You brightened every ounce of my life with your smile, your teasing, and your weird random purchases that still continue to boggle my mind.” She giggles as tears fall from her eyes. “You’ve shown me how to love again, how to live again, and how to see this world in full color. I can’t imagine a day without you in my life, in my arms.” I let go of her hand and pop open the ring box. She cries even harder. “Emma, will you please do me the honor in marrying me?”
/> She shakes her head yes, happy tears streaming down her cheeks. I stand, a weight of happiness lifting me up as I place the ring on her finger and then cup her face. “I love you so much, Emma, so fucking much.”
“I love you too,” she squeaks out before looping her hand around the back of my neck and pulling me into one of the best pair of lips I’ve ever had the privilege of kissing.
From behind us, a wave of cheers erupts as our friends start clapping and coming in for hugs. Racer is the first one to wrap his arms around us. He’s screaming in excitement and jumping up and down.
“I knew she would say yes.” He shakes us to the point that I’m forced to push him away, but not before he grabs my cheeks and lays a huge kiss on my lips.
I wipe my mouth and say, “What the fuck, man?
Both Emma and Racer are laughing at my expense as Smalls wraps me in a hug and does the same exact thing. “Lucky girl,” Smalls replies as he pats my cheek.
When Andrew, Sadie’s boyfriend approaches me, arms wide, lips puckered, I stiff-arm him and say, “Don’t even think about it.”
It’s taken me a bit to get used to hanging out with Sadie again, but in all honesty, it feels good to have her around as a friend. And Andrew, shit, it’s hard not to like the guy. He’s so damn charismatic. We might get along a little too much which freaks Emma and Sadie out of course.
“Aw, come on, man, just a little lipper.” Andrew points to his lips and I push him away.
“Get the fuck out of here.” I laugh.
Emma is showing off her ring to Sadie, Adalyn, and our good friend Smilly from Whitney Point. They are cooing over the diamond as Emma looks up at me, her eyes sparkling with so much love that I don’t know if I could ever feel so much for one single person.
That girl, the one with the long brown hair and bright blue eyes, the one who wears a matching pajama set to bed every night, the one who used to fawn over our drunk asses as kids, and the one who wakes up with the craziest morning hair I’ve ever seen, she’s perfect. She’s mine, and I will forever be hers.