The girl flashed her a rude hand gesture in agitation and got to her feet again. “Fuck you!” She started to stalk off, then stopped, retraced her steps and repeated the hand gesture at Dory. “And fuck you too for cooperating with them, whoever you are!”
Ryle raised his hand. “What about me?”
“Fuck you the most!” The woman spat out. “Assholes like you are why this kind of shit is still allowed in the world.”
“You know? The green lady is right.” Ryle noted. “You do have very expressive eyebrows.”
The woman stormed off angrily, swearing. Then she was simply gone, disappearing from sight and slipping off to some unseen corner of the village to plot her next attack on the innocent.
Ryle took on a thoughtful face. “Do we know her name?” He asked the group at large, sounding more bored than genuinely curious. “Or is that a thing? Where she like… turns out to be someone important or famous and then we’re all surprised?”
“I think it’s a thing where she simply doesn’t care about us enough to tell us, and none of us care enough about her to press the issue.” Tandy clarified. “Names are very important in parts of Galland, particularly the mountains to the north of the capital. Names aren’t shared casually there because they’re seen to have power over a person. Superstitions are technically illegal in Galland now, but ancient cultural traditions are hard to wipe out completely, I suppose, even if they carry a death sentence.”
“Ah.” Ryle nodded in understanding. “See, I’m never quite sure anymore. There’s so much weird shit going on in my life, it all seems like it’ll somehow be important.” He shook his head. “But it never is. Just giants and pirates and armies fucking with my life because they think it’s funny. Just a meaningless war I don’t even understand, killing my wife and baby.” He took on an exaggerated serious tone. “Plus, obviously and most importantly… my hair is a nightmare in this climate too. And you’re right: those kidnapping bastards always hoard the combs, don’t they? First things you lose in any abduction: your freedom and then your hair supplies.”
Tandy wasn’t certain if that was sarcasm or not. “Huh.”
“I mean, yeah, I get to be the prince of Cormoran out of it all— which, I’m not going to lie— is pretty sweet.” He continued. “My sister’s been queen all year. Married an ogre, if you can believe that.”
Tandy had heard of his sister. In Galland, the usurper of the Cormoranian throne was known as “The Demon Tailor.” A horrible woman who had conquered her peaceful homeland with the help of a soulless ogre, who she controlled through sexual favors and dark magic. Images of their perverted pairing were a favorite thing for lonely men to scrawl on walls as masturbatory fantasies and for Galland prostitutes to reenact with paying clients.
They said she perched on the ogre’s huge shoulders during battle, naked and carrying the severed heads of the former royal family as trophies and sex toys. That whenever the ogre climaxed, she filled her bathtub with his near limitless offering, and then allowed members of her court to watch her bathe in his warm seed. That she’d opened up the former castle as a den of whores, prostituting herself for any man or animal, stealing their souls in the process.
Meeting the woman’s utterly ordinary younger brother though, she suspected that the citizens of Galland had likely been told an incomplete and possibly exaggerated picture of one of their adversaries in the War of Gold and Silver.
Which wasn’t surprising.
Somewhat disappointing, but not surprising.
“If your sister is the queen, that wouldn’t make you a prince.” She informed him calmly. “You’d retain whatever status or title you held before she ascended to the throne.”
He crossed his arms over his chest dejectedly. “See? Now I just don’t like you as much.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t care what that horrible woman says,” Dory decided, “I think the Wastelanders are very nice people.”
Tandy looked over at her, finally discovering a kindred spirit. “Me too!”
“I have a brush.” Dory announced with great pride. “I will let you borrow it. The Wasteland Butcher is my Xiphos’ second cousin. So we’re family.”
Someone in the village screamed in terror.
Tandy turned to see the dark-haired girl brandishing an oversized Wastelandi broadsword which she’d found somewhere, yelling about being given a horse and supplies.
The pirates turned to look at her, then went back to talking amongst themselves like she wasn’t worth their time.
Several Wastelanders fled for their lives, fully believing that the woman would kill them. Which was probably an accurate prediction.
Kobb appeared from his tent to see what the fuss was about, and the woman immediately focused on him, pointing the blade at him threateningly, obviously wanting to finish her abduction with one definitive swordfight.
Kobb took on a concerned look, as if unhappy about something. Then he held up his hands in front of him, like he was gripping an imaginary broadsword and showing her the correct way of swinging the oversized Wastelandi blade at his face.
The girl looked confused for a moment, but surprisingly, she actually repositioned her hands on the hilt as he’d instructed.
Kobb nodded, obviously pleased with that, then simply ducked under her blade as it was held towards him in an attack posture, and leisurely continued on his way, seemingly without a care in the world.
The woman lowered her weapon and looked after him in confusion, obviously not expecting that. She blinked at him. Once. Twice. Screamed out several frustrated curses, then trailed after Kobb, dragging the blade of the huge broadsword behind her in the salt.
The people around the pool of water watched the drama play out silently, with the exception of Noxii’s prisoner, who continued to weep as he imagined what his mistress would do to him because he couldn’t get her clothing satisfactorily clean.
“Huh.” Ryle finally said softly, like he didn’t have any other thoughts on the matter. He turned back to the group. “This place is really weird. I’ve been kidnapped by a shocking number of people this year and this is undoubtedly the weirdest place I’ve ever been kept. And I got imprisoned by an Adithian zombie fella one time.”
“I’ve really only been kidnapped the once…” She admitted, wondering if she should feel shame or pride over that fact.
“Yeah, but it sounds like you hit the jackpot first time out.” Ryle made a face. “I’ve yet to have an abduction I enjoyed as much as you seem to be enjoying yours.”
“Well…” She tried to think of an explanation. “Have you seen my captor? He’s very pretty.”
The corner of Ryle’s mouth quirked in amusement. “Dreamy, huh?”
“Oooooh yeah.” She nodded. “I’m not really someone who has a whole lot of sex fantasies about a man, but…”
Ryle choked in surprise, apparently not expecting her to be quite so candid. Which was a fair criticism. Tandy didn’t really spend a lot of time around people. Not since the Restructuring began. So she was a little out of practice at determining that thin line between “friendly chat” and “oversharing.”
“Ryle!” One of the pirates shouted at him. “We’re leaving. Now.”
“Damn, just as the conversation was getting interesting.” He made a longsuffering face at Tandy and pointed over his shoulder. “Duty calls. Such is the life of a captive.”
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“I don’t know. Looking for some lost city of gold or some bullshit.” He shrugged disinterestedly. “I’m a hostage. Nobody tells me anything.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, like they say, ‘a man's character is his fate.’” His smile was only skin deep and didn’t remove the sadness from his eyes at all. “Which probably explains why my life is in the shape it’s in.” He started to walk away, then turned back to look at her again, opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. He nodded seriously, finally deciding on the right w
ords. “You take care of yourself, Tandy. I hope you get what you want, from your study and your abduction.”
“Thank you!” She smiled pleasantly, genuinely touched. “You too. Only… you know… without the study, because you’re not doing one. Obviously. Or if you are, you’re not going to be able to use my data or methodologies, because I won’t share mine with you. They’re proprietary.” She warned him seriously. “Sorry.”
Ryle snorted in amusement, apparently believing that was a joke for some reason, and started from the scene again. He paused as he past Noxii’s prisoner. “Dude?” He extended his fist to the man, offering it as a sign of bonding and solidarity. Or more than likely to simply taunt the man. “Give it to your abductress hard tonight for me, okay? I’m serious. All night. Bend her over and make that cruel bitch scream in pleasure as you drill her from behind. Live my dream.” He paused. “Well, no. Not really. In my dream, she’d also be a mermaid.” He thought that over for a moment as he started to walk away again. “Damn, that’d be hot.” He said to himself. “…So fucking hot.”
“Swab!” The pirate screamed again. “NOW!”
Ryle returned to his companions. “Uriah?” He asked the pirate captain seriously. “I’ve decided I want a mermaid.”
“Well, I’d be more than happy to tie something heavy to your feet and toss you overboard to look for one next time we’re at sea.” The pirate captain offered sarcastically. “Far from land. During a storm. At night.”
“Thanks, man.” Ryle said, apparently ignoring the threat. “I saw one, did I ever tell you that?”
“Whoopty shit.” The female pirate deadpanned.
Ryle started laughing.
The pirate captain pointed at his female companion. “And did you really just brag to a blind woman about seeing something?” He smacked Ryle on the back of the head. “Idiot.”
“Ow!” Ryle rubbed his head, obviously more for show than from pain. “You can’t just hit people!”
“It’s the only way you’ll learn.” The female pirate countered, sounding like she thought that was completely logical. “Stop being an idiot and he won’t have to hit you.”
“No, I’m basically going to hit him no matter what.” The pirate captain decided. “His mere presence annoys me and violence is the best way to express that.”
The woman nodded in commiseration. “But we shouldn’t tell the swab that, it’d be bad for the little tyke’s feelings.”
They both laughed, obviously getting such a kick out of being mean to someone.
“Dory?” The pirate captain called again. “Last chance here. You gonna stay?”
The woman nodded. “I’m where I belong. Thank you though.”
“Fucking clients.” The female pirate swore to her partner, obviously disgusted. “One bump in the road and they abandon ship. Where’s their stick-to-itiveness, Captain? Why are they not as inspired as we are? Where did we go wrong?”
“Most people are unprepared for the dedication it takes to devote oneself to the piratical arts, Dove. The law-abiding inhabit a dreary, dreamless world and are often unwilling to fully invest themselves in escaping it.” The captain nodded in commiseration at his partner. “They simply don’t know any better.”
“I suppose we shouldn’t be too hard on them.” The woman agreed. “If there were no fools in the world, who could we steal from?”
“Very wise, Dove, very wise. I’ve always appreciated your magnanimous soul, have I told you that?”
“Not when my clothes are on, no.” The woman teased.
The captain chuckled, obviously completely delighted with his partner, and then fell silent. “Where was I, Dove?”
She pointed over her shoulder. “Client. Ditching us because she’s selfish.”
“Ah, yes. Thank you.” The pirate captain looked back at Dory. “Have a nice life, then. We’ll tell your mother and husband you said ‘bye.’”
Tandy frowned at the news the woman was already married.
“You can tell them. I’m not talking to those idiots more than I have to.” The female pirate retorted to the captain, taking his arm. “I can’t stand them. I’d ditch their asses too, if I were her. I say the kid’s making the right choice.”
The pirate helped his partner towards her horse, going very slowly because the woman was blind.
“Okay, thanks!” Dory called to them cheerily, completely missing the point of the captain’s words. She ran over to them to hug them goodbye, which made the pirates visibly uncomfortable. “Take care! Enjoy the lost city!”
Tandy pursed her lips, considering this new data.
Whatever she was feeling, it wasn’t caused by The Wasteland’s culture or climate, because it wasn’t affecting the dark-haired cavalry girl or Noxii’s hostage. It had affected Dory, true, but her infatuation began before she’d had a chance to even experience life with the Wastelanders. And it wasn’t anything to do with kidnapping itself, since it wasn’t affecting Ryle, at least not on an emotional level.
Which meant that whatever was making Tandy so interested in Tzadok, had to be something about him specifically. No outside forces or unseen stimuli. She felt close to him. Connected, somehow. Emotionally. She liked being near him. He made her happy. And, oddest yet, she simply wanted him. More intensely than any man she’d ever seen in her life.
But she wasn’t sure why that was.
It was very confusing.
So, she continued to think about it. She liked thinking about Tzadok.
And that was how Tandy spent the next hour helping Noxii’s prisoner clean his kidnapper’s laundry.
Chapter Seven:
The Meanest Man Left Unhanged
Tandy put her face in her hand and continued watching Tzadok pace.
The man had been stewing in the Coastal People problem all day, unable to move past it for some reason. He mumbled curses to himself and prowled back and forth on the salt, muscles tense.
“FUCK!” Tzadok finally bellowed, before smashing his war hammer down onto a boulder, again and again. Chunks of rock flew in all directions from the force of the blows, while he continued to scream in frustrated rage.
It was fascinating behavior.
“I’m sensing that you’re still upset.” She pursed her lips in thought. “I really don’t know why you’re so agitated about this.” She said, not for the first time. “It’s very odd.”
“Why am I upset!?!” He cried, finding a new audience for his Wastelandi fury. “Hawser is claiming you are his (slave/translator/”little bird”), Tandrea! Do you understand what that means!?!”
She squinted slightly. “Not really, no.” She admitted.
Tzadok went back to pacing in fury. “It means he’s trying to take you away from me. That he thinks you’re his (translator/slave).” He shook his head. “Which means he’s already a corpse.” He swung his war hammer again, splitting the boulder in two and causing the huge pieces to fall at his feet. “Vermin will feast on his vile heart, I swear this.”
Tandrea blinked at the jagged chunks of rock in amazement.
Wow.
The man was very, very strong.
Rationally, she recognized that she should be terrified about being so close to someone who was that huge, dangerous, unhinged, and who was currently also swinging around a deadly weapon… but she really wasn’t. Tandrea was afraid of him, obviously, but not because she thought he’d hurt her.
Her fear arose from something else entirely.
Handsome men who made her feel things were inherently scary. Add to that, his intense eyes and his wonderful speech patterns with those dreamy vowel sounds, and he became absolutely terrifying.
She wasn’t used to being around men like that and she wasn’t used to feeling like he made her feel.
It was quite upsetting.
“I don’t see how violence is necessary.” She admonished calmly, still not understanding why anyone would get so worked up over the possibility of her leaving. Yes, she was the best translator in
the region, but there were other options. “I’m sure I can find him another one in Galland somewhere, if he’s really that desperate.” She pursed her lips in thought, trying to think of who else could provide translation services for the other clan. “Maybe my dad? I mean, I don’t like him, but he might be willing to come help out the Coastal People.”
Tzadok stopped walking and turned to gape at her in amazement. “Your… father?” His brow compressed in bafflement. “And Hawser? You… you think Hawser and your father could be (weird word)?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Why not?”
Tzadok didn’t say anything for a moment, then blinked rapidly. “Okaaay… I do not know your father, but… but such a match would be… very surprising.”
“My father isn’t the best at it, obviously, but he’s still passable.” She shrugged.
“And you know this from… personal experience?” Tzadok sounded disgusted and horrified for some reason.
“Yes.” She nodded. “But I’m more skilled. Obviously.”
He stared at her silently for a long moment. “What the fuck is wrong with your kingdom?”
“Lots. I could prepare you a list, if you’d like.”
“No, that’s fine. I don’t need to hear any more about you and your father, thanks.” He heaved a sight. “All of my life, I’ve heard my uncle tell stories about the world outside The Wasteland. Faraway places and exotic peoples. But to me, they exist in some fantasy world. I have no way of relating to them because they’re all fucking insane.”
“I don’t think we’re all insane. I’ve taken tests.” She reminded him. “I remain convinced of their accuracy, despite the inconclusive result.” She nodded seriously. “You only believe that my people are insane because we’re different than you, that’s all.”
“And your Gall-Land keeps killing people.”
“Now, honestly, are you really one to throw stones about that?” She teased.
“Would you like to know something?” He leaned closer. “Your ‘civilized’ world won’t last forever. Even now, you can see the cracks forming. As men and women tear civilization’s gossamer façade to pieces for their own greedy ends, the weak are slaughtered. Sooner or later, there will be only the strong left. The ones unwilling to bend. And then everyone will be a barbarian. Chox’s grin will fill the sky, as humanity forgets the illusion of being civilized, and reaches for the bloody sword and cleaving ax once more.”
Captive of a Fairytale Barbarian Page 15