The Goddess Gets Her Guy

by Ashlyn Chase

  Fate raised her hand, fashioning her fingers in a strange formation. “I won’t, Scout’s honor. But this date seems very promising. Will you give him a chance?”

  Gaia reclined on the lounge chair and took a sip of wine, making it look like she was mulling it over. It might go well…or at least better than the other disaster dates.

  They could gaze at the stars together. She knew the humans had named her constellations, and she hadn’t paid much attention to those names for the most part. When they came out at night and twinkled hello, some were actually saying goodbye. The suns that had died long ago were still visible because their light took years to reach Earth—hence the term light-years. But of course, he would know that.

  “Okay. I’ll try one more date. If it doesn’t work, I’m done.”

  “You can’t guarantee the next one is the last one. If it is, that’s wonderful. That’s all we want. The one. But if it doesn’t work out, don’t give up. Please. You still need a companion, ideally a lover. I know you don’t believe you do, but trust me. Once you’ve experienced the best sex there is, you’ll want to be sexually active.”

  Gaia chuckled. “I look forward to it, if I ever get to that point with anyone.”

  “So you’re willing to meet the astronomer?”

  “I said I was, didn’t I?”

  “I just wanted to make sure, because he’s waiting for you in his observatory now.”

  Gaia sat up straight and faced her sister head on. “Are you kidding me? You were so sure of my answer that you already set up a date?”

  Fate shrugged. “I didn’t know for sure, but I really hoped I could talk you into it. And now that I have, don’t keep him waiting.”

  Gaia rose quickly and looked down at her toga. “What should I wear? I’ve been told my fashion choices are last century. Also that my hair is not a good color for dateable women and that my eyebrows are too full or something…”

  “Who the hell told you all that?”

  Gaia frowned. “The basketball player.”

  Fate sighed. “I’m so sorry. Maybe you’re right, and the internet is not the place to find your dates. I’ll scour the earth if I need to. But I think this guy might be the one.”

  Gaia nodded. “That’s all well and good, but how do I look?”

  “Like a goddess.” Fate smiled.

  “But I need to look like a human.” Gaia spied a magazine on a nearby table and strode over to it. She opened the pages and flipped through until she saw someone who looked smartly put-together and adopted her outfit. “Okay, are these clothes all right?”

  Fate appraised her from foot to head. Brown leather boots, tight brown pants with a pronounced pouch at thigh height. Plus a houndstooth jacket and a riding helmet.

  “Oh wait. There’s one more accessory.” Gaia snapped her fingers, and a moment later she held a riding crop.

  “Let me see that magazine.”

  Gaia walked over to her sister and handed the open magazine to her. Fate flipped back to the cover and laughed. “This is an equestrian magazine. And I’m sorry, but you look ridiculous. You would look better as yourself in a toga than in this getup on a date.”

  “Are you saying I should wear my toga?”

  Fate laughed. “No, of course not. Oh my. Let’s get Karma to dress you. She has great taste.”

  Before they could call her, Karma showed up. “I hear you need my help.”

  “Were you eavesdropping?”

  Karma shrugged. “Li’l bit.”

  Gaia placed her hands on her hips. “Don’t do that—even though it came in handy this time. So can you help me pick out an outfit to wear on a date with an astronomer?”

  “Absolutely.” She snapped her fingers, and Gaia looked down at an attractive dress in midnight blue with a pattern of stars all over it.

  Gaia smiled. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

  “Any time. Now, have fun on your date. Oh! You need shoes.” She snapped her fingers, and the brown leather boots disappeared. Gaia looked down at her feet and almost fell over. She was wearing the most ridiculous high heels. The silver shoes went nicely with the stars, but the heels… No way. She stepped out of the shoes, snapped off the heels, and put them back on. Her height dropped at least four inches, but they still felt uncomfortable and just looked wrong.

  Fate said, “Let me help.” She snapped her fingers, and the shoes became ballet flats. “There.”

  “Yes. Better. Now I’m ready. Where is he?”

  “I think you’ll be happy. He’s in California. I know how you like that state because of its many geographical variations. Mountains, ocean, desert, lakes…everything.”

  “Terrific. I should get going.”

  Fate snapped her fingers, and Gaia stood outside the door of a large domed building.

  She knocked, and the door flew open, revealing a bespectacled older gentleman with thinning gray hair and a toothy grin. He wasn’t bad-looking, but he wasn’t dressed as well as she was. His pants were corduroy, and his casual shirt was plaid. But who was she to complain if he was a nice man? Maybe Karma could help them both pick out a new wardrobe sometime.

  “Welcome. I assume you’re Gaia,” he said.

  “I am. And you are?”

  His brows raised. They weren’t groomed any better than hers. “Your friend didn’t tell you my name?”

  Gaia just shook her head.

  “Call me Dr. Ned for now. That’s what the kids call me when I speak at their schools.” He stuck out his hand for a handshake.

  She shook his hand and wondered when he was going to invite her in. “May I come in, or did you want to look at the stars outside?”

  He slapped his forehead. “I’m sorry. Please come in. I’m not used to having company.” He backed away from the door, and as he did, his corduroy pants squeaked.

  “So you’re a doctor,” she said. “I know a doctor. He’s a cardiac surgeon. Are you a cardiologist? Or a surgeon?”

  He stared at her, incredulous. “No, I have a PhD, not an MD. I’m a doctor of astronomy, and my specialty is observational astronomy.”

  Mother Nature was puzzled, but she was getting used to that feeling as she learned more about human beings up close and personal. “Are the stars sick?” she asked.

  He laughed. “You were joking. I get it now. Sorry, I’m not always skillful when it comes to recognizing jokes. Good one!”

  He smiled, and she felt a little more at ease.

  “Let me take you up to the observatory. I’m proud to say I have one of the most powerful telescopes on the West Coast.”

  “Really?” She wasn’t much better at conversation than he was, but she’d give it a try—for now. Every time he moved, his pants squeaked. That was bound to drive her crazy before long.

  When they finally reached his telescope, he asked, “Do you know much about the stars?”

  She smirked. “Why don’t you tell me what you want me to know, the same way you’d explain it to school children. I’d like to hear what you’re teaching them.”

  He smiled. “Of course. We’ll start at the beginning then. Take a look in here.” He pointed to an eyepiece that magnified the night sky hundreds of times. “With so many stars in the universe, the night sky is a beautiful sight. But not all stars are the same. I’ll explain the different types of stars so you’ll know exactly what you’re gazing at each night. First of all, what is a star? Do you know?”

  Did he really want her to answer that? Of course she knew. She had created them, but how could she explain that? Fortunately, he continued his lecture.

  “Stars are burning balls of gas, and from a far distance, they all look pretty much the same. But did you know that there are different types of stars? Here in my telescope, we can take a closer look at those twinkling stars you see way up high.”

  She couldn’t help
tuning him out. He droned on and on about things she already knew, but he took all the beauty and magic out of it.

  He let his hand drop, and she realized she’d better start paying attention. Maybe she was supposed to ask a question or feign interest.

  Much to her annoyance, he continued to lecture.

  “Another type of star is the white dwarf star. This star forms from a red giant that loses its outer layers, leaving behind mostly carbon and oxygen, then shrinks into a very compact star. It’s fairly cool, so it gives off a weak, bluish-white color. There’s one up there called Sirius.”

  “Are you serious?” She winked.

  “Ha. I see what you did there.”

  * * *

  Pan hid among the scaffolding, out of sight. He had hoped this date would flop on its own, but it didn’t seem to be failing. In fact, he was concerned about it succeeding!

  Time for another teeny-weeny truth spell, only this time, I’ll put it on her! He almost laughed out loud and had to press his hand over his mouth as he considered the possibilities. I can’t wait to see this!

  * * *

  So far, this date seemed to be going pretty well. She really should ask a question or something. “That all sounds fine,” she said. “Now, how old is the universe?”

  “About fourteen billion years old.”

  “Correct. Do you know how I know that?”

  He grinned. “No. Are you a scientist too? Or maybe a teacher? I never did ask what you do for a living.”

  She laughed. “I’m Mother freakin’ Nature. That big bang that happened fourteen billion years ago? Yeah, that was me. I sneezed. Bet you didn’t know that.”

  He took a step back. Then after a brief hesitation, he burst out laughing. “Oh. That’s funny. You’re making jokes again. Fate didn’t tell me you were so funny.”

  “Fate? Oh, my sister, yes. Yes, she is the one who set us up.”

  “Yeah, I had never met her before, but she seemed familiar. I thought it was strange that she would walk right up to me and ask if I’d like to go out with someone.”

  “Is that what she did?”

  “Yup. I was standing in Starbucks, waiting for my latte. She was right behind me, and she said, ‘Hey, you look like a nice guy. Are you involved with anyone romantically?’”

  Gaia snorted. “She said she was going to do this the old-fashioned way since internet dating wasn’t working for me, but I didn’t know she was going to approach unsuspecting strangers. I’m sorry about that.”

  “Oh! Don’t be. I’m enjoying our date. Are you?”

  Gaia shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”

  The doctor’s face fell.

  “Oh, don’t be upset. It’s just very, very difficult to find someone who can become an equal partner with Mother Nature. As you can imagine.”

  Dr. Ned tipped his head and eyed her carefully. “You really believe you’re Mother Nature?”

  Gaia laughed. “Of course, and I can prove it to you.”

  “Okaaaayyy…”

  “Follow me outside.”

  The two of them tromped down the metal stairs, and Gaia took the lead, listening to his pants squeak behind her. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Yep, that would drive me crazy. She opened the door, and he followed her out hesitantly. It looked as if he might be thinking about slamming the door before he stepped through to the other side. But he eventually followed her out and closed it carefully behind himself.

  “Okay, observe.” She swept her arm across the lawn, and nothing seemed to happen.

  “Am I supposed to see something?”

  “Hang on.” Gaia twirled her finger, and the sun rose. Green sprouts shot up from the grass. Then the lightest-pink buds on a tree opened and showed off their darker pink blossoms. Before long, they were joined by white lilies of the valley, yellow and purple pansies, and ferns, and then the yard was exploding with all kinds of flowering bushes and sturdy ground cover.

  Dr. Ned staggered backward a few paces. “How? How did you do that?”

  She placed a hand on her hip and frowned. “I told you… I’m Mother Nature.”

  Dr. Ned passed out.

  “Oh, for the love of me.”

  Pan came trotting out from behind a rock, laughing and bleating, laughing and bleating.

  “Okay, dipshit. What did you do this time?”

  Pan could barely contain himself. He kept trying to talk but would burst out laughing and had to start over. Finally, he took a few deep breaths and said, “Just another little truth spell. Except this time, I cast it on you!”

  As he rolled back and forth in the grass laughing, she grasped his scruffy beard and yelled, “Fate! Karma! Come here.”

  Pan tried to pull away, but she just grabbed him with her other hand and held him tight to her leg. “Oh no, you’re not getting away this time.”

  Fate and Karma appeared simultaneously.

  “What happened?” Fate asked.

  Karma checked out the male figure facedown on the ground, saw Gaia with her teeth clenched, hanging on to Pan, and started to chuckle.

  “It’s not funny!” Gaia groused.

  “It’s kind of funny.”

  “How can you say that? He could be dead.”

  “He’s not dead,” Karma said, poking the doctor, still unconscious on the ground. “He’s not even injured.”

  “He passed out. He could have been injured if he fell on a rock,” Gaia said.

  “How did it happen?” Fate asked.

  “Ask this dumbass. Last time, he cast a truth spell on my date. This time, he cast the truth spell on me! Here I am telling the scientist all about the big bang because I was there!”

  “And she said she sneezed,” Pan added. “She caused the big bang with a big sneeze! She probably farted, since it was a gas explosion!” Pan laughed and laughed and laughed.

  Mother Nature yanked his goatee and yelled, “Stop it. You’re a menace.”

  Karma crossed her arms. “Do you mean to tell us you’ve interfered with her date?”

  Pan smirked. “I don’t know if I’d call it interference. I was trying to help. I think honesty is a very good policy, don’t you?”

  “Let’s see how much you like it.” Mother Nature kicked him and said, “Why are you doing this?”

  “Because you insulted me. I volunteered to be your mate, and you all laughed. How would you feel if someone you admired laughed in your face?”

  Fate sighed. “I see your point. Your feelings were hurt, but that did not give you license to interfere with and ruin her dates.”

  “What should I have done, then?”

  Karma put her hands on her hips and leaned over him. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe not ruin her dates? Maybe tell us how you felt? Allow us to apologize for hurting you?”

  “Okay. Here’s how I felt. I felt insulted, slighted, disrespected, offended, outraged, snubbed, hurt…”

  Gaia rolled her eyes. “We get it. You felt terrible because you were inadvertently insulted.”

  “Inadvertently? No. It was advertently! Very advertently.”

  “I assure you, we didn’t set out to insult you,” Fate said. “I just didn’t feel you were a good match. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “Well, you did. You all owe me an apology.”

  “If I gave you any false hope, I apologize. I am nothing if not extremely honest,” Mother Nature said. “Sometimes a little tactless, but as honest as I can be without doing…that.” She pointed to the PhD facedown on the ground.

  Karma sashayed over to Gaia and leaned in. “I think we need to do something to teach Pan a lesson.”

  “I agree. Perhaps we should strand him on a desert island.”

  “No. Goats are good swimmers. He’ll just consider it a vacation,” Fate said. “How about stranding him on a high mountaintop? No. Th
at wouldn’t work. Goats climb huge mountains all the time.”

  “Leave this to me,” Karma said. “I know exactly what to do.” She narrowed her eyes at the goat god, and he started to shiver. “You can let go of him now, Sister.”

  As soon as she did, both Karma and Pan disappeared.

  Gaia took a deep breath and looked at the body lying on the ground. “I don’t know if I should be here when Dr. Ned wakes up.”

  Fate shrugged. “I don’t think it’ll hurt.”

  “He already thinks I’m a kook. I’ll help you get him inside and lay him down someplace comfortable, but then I’m going to leave.”

  “Don’t you think we should erase his mind first?” Fate asked.

  “Well, duh. But only up to the place where Pan interfered. It was going well, and I don’t want him to think my not seeing him again was because of anything he did wrong.”

  “Oh. You don’t want a second date?”

  “No. There’s something missing. I think you call it a spark—the sexual attraction people feel for a potential mate.”

  “Have you ever felt it with anyone?”

  “Um…I may have—once.”

  The two goddesses carried the poor man inside his observatory and laid him on his couch. As soon as they’d propped a pillow under his head, Gaia stood next to him and wiped his brow. His eyes fluttered open.

  “Where am I? What happened?”

  “You’re on your own couch. I’m afraid you don’t look well,” Gaia said. “I called Fate to help me carry you to a comfortable place. I think you just fainted.”

  “Oh? I didn’t know I was sick. I felt fine before. How long have I been out?”

  “Not long. I don’t think it’s anything serious,” Gaia said. “You’ll feel better in a few hours.”

  He reached for her hand. “I’m glad you were here. Usually, I’m all alone.”

  “Thank you for a lovely evening. I hope you’ll continue dating. You’re a wonderful guy. I’m just too busy right now. My sister really had no business setting me up with anyone.”

  Fate frowned at her. “We’re sorry to have wasted your time,” she said. “Are you feeling better?”

  “I feel fine.”