by Irvine Welsh
The constables get a big red beamer up the side of their faces. I count my blessings on occasions like this that I’m in a plain-clothed job. The spastics blush and head off, while Gus and I get back into the motor.
– That Drummond lassie. Needs a good fuckin ride, that’s what she needs, I tell him, starting up the Volvo and feeling a testosterone rush as I shunt the beast up a gear. C’mon baby, take it.
Gus smiles. He’s a nice auld cunt. A bit churchy, but he doesnae push it doon yir throat. – Yir an awfay man Bruce, he says.
– Looks the type that’s been disappointed by a man. Probably frigid, I speculate, as we turn into Raeburn Place. I could go a pint and one of they steak pies from Bert’s Bar. Better than that Crawford’s shite. But on second thoughts one pint might lead to a dozen and I’m with that auld cunt Gus who won’t piss it up on duty. I’ll have to tough it out.
– Nice lassie though, says Gus, mildly challengingly.
– Oh aye, she’s a nice enough lassie, I agree. Best to back down at this stage. I’ll put Gus right about that hoor soon enough.
I switch on the radio. There’s some quiz programme on Radio Forth.
– SO MALCOLM, YOU HAVE THREE CHANCES TO WIN THE JACKPOT PRIZE. READY?
– THINK SO!
– RIGHT. WHAT CONTINENT IS PARAGUAY IN?
– EH . . . IS IT EUROPE?
– OOOHHHH . . . SORRY MALCOLM. IT IS, IN FACT, IN SOUTH AMERICA. NEVER MIND, TRY AGAIN. THE CAPITAL OF HUNGARY IS . . .?
– EH . . . OH . . . EHM . . . TRANSYLVANIA?
– OOOHHHH . . . I’M SOREE MAAL-CUM . . . IT IS IN FACT BUDAPEST! YOU’RE THINKING OF THE VAMPIRES AND ALL THAT SORT OF THING AREN’T YOU?
– YEAH BOBBY, AH WIS JUST THINKIN OF COUNT DRACULA AND ALL THAT STUFF.
– NOT TO WORRY. YOU STILL HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE TO WIN THE JACKPOT PRIZE. READY?
– EH . . . YEAH.
– OKAY. THE SEXY SINGER TONY FERRINO IS PLAYED BY WHICH COMEDIAN?
– AW . . . I SHOULD KNOW THIS . . . IS IT STEVE COOGAN?
– STEVE COOGAN IS CORRECT! MALCOLM WINTERS OF LARKHALL, YOU HAVE WON OUR JACKPOT PRIZE OF FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS!
I switch that shite off and put in a tape, Saxon’s debut album Wheels of Steel, and for many their best. I’m more into Denim and Leather though. I watch Gus’s rubber puppet-face twist in distaste as the boys crank up.
– What a din Bruce! Dinnae ken how ye can listen to that!
– It’s white man’s soul music Gus. We came, conquered and enslaved, I explain.
We get back about an hour later when who should come down into the office but Toal. We agreed two hours; he’s fucking up my crossword time, the helium-filled wank-bag. Toal doonstairs. Toal, here! We are privileged! Normally that spastic never leaves his desk. I never knew the cunt had legs until I saw him one night in the foyer of the King’s Theatre when I was taking the wee yin tae the panto. There’s that cunt Toal just standing there, and he fuckin cold-shouldered me. I mind the bairn asking who he was and me saying, that’s one of the bad men I put away once doll. She frowned at the shit-bag after that!
– Robbo . . . in here, he points to the interview room and shuts the door behind us. – Listen, keep this under your hat, but as you know things are pretty stretched around here, particularly until we get the new D.I. post filled in the reorganisation in the New Year.
My post. But listen tae Toal; making out that he wants one of us on the same grade as him, when he does nothing. Anyway, as things stand I should be on a much higher grade than that imbecile. I would have as well if Carole hadn’t made us fuck off to go to Australia for six bastarding years.
– What I want you to do, in effect, is to lead up the team on the Wurie case. I’ll be around to oversee, but I’m pretty much tied up with this reorganisation bollocks. I got a note from Busby, he’s going to be off for some time yet. I don’t know how they expect me to run this division with an inspector short. Anyway, mind and keep me posted. I want this cracked sharpish.
The toss is trying to butter me up because he thinks that if he makes me responsible for this case then I won’t want to take my break in the Dam. Fuck his memo; I’ll kick up a stink through the Federation and the craft if I have to. Same rules apply. I then have to listen to his smarm about how good an officer I am, and I suppose it’s true.
I want that fuckin promo awright, that inspectorship. It’s mine, my entitlement, in terms of experience. Any cunt in the service’ll tell you that. Fuck me, I couldn’t be any worse than the last waster they made up; nobody could. Busby, suffering from so-called stress. He’s never away fae the fuckin gowf course. No bad for some, he’s goat the welfare spastics twisted roond his finger. I’d gie the useless farting cunt his jotters, then we’d have two inspectorships up for grabs in the division, and it wouldnae cause as much of an atmosphere wi the boys in the cannie. But me: eight wasted years. What did they think I was daein in Sydney aw that time? Playin fuckin tiddly-winks? Counts for nowt, overseas service, under their stupid rules. And cause of her, her that doesn’t know her own mind. Edinburgh Carole: ah want tae be oot thair beside ma mother. Sydney Carole: ah cannae settle, ah miss ma sister. Her sister: the only thing I missed aboot her sister was gettin my hole off her.
– I decided that with your homicide experience, Toal confirms, – you were the man to lead the team. Effectively then, you’ll be acting inspector. We can’t do anything about the remuneration, but if you get a result here it’ll stand you in good stead, for eh . . . the future. You’ll have Inglis, Bain and Drummond on the team, with uniformed officer support.
I detest Toal, but he knows his job. You have to give the cunt that. He slaps me on the arm and I just nod. We leave the room. – It’s settled then Bruce, he smiles.
In the short time it takes to exit thon interview room and stick on the kettle, I realise that the cunt’s almost got away with his flattery bullshit. Toal kens fuck all aboot the job. Promotion or no promotion, I’m offski tae the Dam.
I note that Amanda Drummond’s been hanging around, making out she’s talking to Gus, but really waiting to pounce on Toal. She comes over. – Excuse me Bob, can I have a quick word?
Bob, is it now?
– Sure, Toal says, then turns back to me, – Mind Bruce, what I said.
– Aye, I mumble. I move across to Gus, watching Toal’s chunky frame and Drummond’s matchstick body recede down the corridor. Fuckin Laurel n Hardy right enough. – If he thinks I’m busting a gut about solving this case, he’s fuckin mad, I tell Gus.
– The way I see it, this is aw politics, Gus shakes his heid wearily. I like Gus. He looks like a Jim Henson puppet and he’s yesterday’s man, but I like him. I can afford tae like the cunt. He’s in for the promo as well though. The odds against him? Too high to calculate.
– Damn fuckin right it is. I give up my winter’s week in the Dam, which the cunt knows I have every year at this time, just soas I can find out who topped this coon and get brownie points for a certain Mister Toal? I do look sweet. I look very fucking sweet indeed. No thank you Mr Toal. No thank you Mr Niddrie.
– He’s goat us ower a barrel though Bruce. That inspector’s post fae the reorganisation.
– That’s nowt tae dae wi it! I snap too loudly at Gus, who looks fretful. I’ll have to watch this temper. I backpedal, – He’s goat fuck all tae dae wi whae gits that. You think Niddrie or any ay the cunts on the promotion board’ll listen tae that tube? What does he ken? He kens fuckin nowt! Sum total: the big fuckin zero, I tap my head.
I leave Gus to think about that. The auld cunt really thinks that he’s gaunny get the job. Wrong! Saw-ree! He got too soon old and too late smart. I get on with my crossword in the Sun.
ACROSS DOWN
1Spider’s trap (6) 1Happen (4,5)
4Recontinue (6) 2Trifle, pinball (9)
7Three Wise Men (4) 3Muscle (5)
8Obvious (8) 4Cables (5)
9Stain (7) 5Certain (4)
12Shilling (3) 6Troplcal fr
uit (5)
14Lubrication applier (6) 10Respond (5)
15Shut (6) 11Greeting (5)
16Definite article (3) 12Onlooker (9)
18Lottery (7) 13Gradually (2,7)
22Dark-haired girl (8) 17Crowd (5)
23Inactive (4) 19In the ascendancy (2,3)
24Made fun of (4,2) 20Sheep cry (5)
25Zodiac sign, the Bull (6) 21Fastening (4)
Nope, it’s not coming today. I turn back to page three.
– Hi Bruce, Gus says, passing over a bag of Crawford’s chips to Peter Inglis, – want tae hear yir stars?
– Aye, awright then. He’s distracted me from Alicia from Hull. Fuckin built, that yin.
– What are you?
– Taurus.
– Right: ‘You’ve bitten off more than you can chew and you are having to muddle through as a result . . .’
– That’s fuckin right enough! And we all know whose fault that is! I point at the ceiling.
–‘. . . Not to worry – this week’s solar eclipse should have cleared away some of the uncertainty surrounding your future . . .’
Ray Lennox has just come in: – Sounds like promotion Bruce, he laughs.
– ‘. . . After that, you’re more inclined to relax and enjoy yourself.’ Whoah-ho! The winter’s week, Peter takes over.
– That must be Amsterdam they’re talkin about! I rub my hands together, just as the big blonde piece comes in. She’s passing roond some notes.
The mild elation doesnae last long. A fuckin memo fae Niddrie.
* * *
INTERNAL MEMO
From : Chief Superintendent James Niddrie
To : All Divisional Inspectors (see attached mailing list)
Re : Racism Awareness Training Modules
As you will be aware, concern has been expressed regarding the handling of racial issues within the Department. Senior Management has been aware of this for some time, but following on from recent criticisms it has been decided that all staff will undertake Racism Awareness Training modules, run by our Personnel and Equal Opportunities staff. Priority will be given initially to senior staff and all officers involved in cases deemed to be racially sensitive.
This course will be run by Amanda Drummond and Marianne San Yung.
* * *
I can’t believe this. Toal and Drummond. I was up there this morning and fuck all was said to me. Me, who’s supposed to be the number two man on this investigation, which, as Toal’s formally heading it, means number one. This is back-of-a-fag-packet thinking. She went behind my fuckin back wi another one ay her coon erse-licking Girl Guide projects.
– Waste ay fuckin time! Peter Inglis moans, looking over at me.
– See who’s fuckin runnin it n aw, I say, – that fuckin silly wee lassie! What the fuck does she ken aboot polis work? I look at Ray Lennox. He’s been sniffin aroond that daft wee tart. He looks a bit guilty and tries to change the subject. – Dinnae ken how we’re gaunny solve this murder case if we’re aw gaunny be oan a course, he shrugs.
– Bloody nonsense, Gus agrees. The boys are not amused about this. They’re looking to me as Fed rep to take the lead. – What dae ye reckon Bruce?
– I think we should just go along with it. As you said Ray, I turn to Lennox, – we’re no gaunny solve this case sitting talking tae silly wee lassies, but that’s their decision, I shrug.
– Toal just wants tae look good wi aw they cunts on the police board, aw they forum bastards, Peter Inglis complains. Too thin for a polisman over thirty is Inglis. Fuckin Aids victim if ye ask me.
– I’d play it cool, just gie the cunts enough rope tae hing thirsels wi, I nod.
Later on I bell my wee Civil Service mate Bladesey and tell him to meet us later up at the Lodge. Then I nip out to Crawford’s for an egg roll. It’s fucking well freezing out here, although the cold can’t block out the acrid Dame Judi Dench which rises up from my flannels. I’ll have to get them dry-cleaned. I open my overcoat and flap it to see if the ming is as steadily rancid as I imagine it to be, but it only comes in the odd wafting wave. Those flannels are good for a couple of days yet.
I see a dog-eared envelope protruding from the top inside pocket of my coat. It’s the letter to Tony from Chelmsford that I’ve had in my pocket for a month. Could do wi getting doon there again for a bit of rumpy-pumpy, maybe in the New Year. I’m thinking about that Diana cow and her big bare arse sticking in my face and my flannels again stretch and that familiar bulge is once more in evidence. I button up my overcoat as some women come past. Sorry girls, you don’t get a flash of quality meat like this without putting the readies on the table. That Diana, she’s fuckin well getting it again though; I can’t wait to get back down there. It’s those wee breks that keep ye going. Without them all you have is the job. And the games.
At Crawford’s they’ve ran out of scrambled egg. It’s probably been nicked by the hard-hatted schemies who should be daein their fuckin jobs rather than fartin aboot in takeaways all day. A waste of fucking police time.
Investigations
It was a good night at the pool round robin. I won the tournament, grinding down Lennox’s resistance and emerging 4– 3 victor after losing the first two games. The sad cunt took the hump and fucked off. Don’t play with the big boys if your cue action isn’t up for it and Lennox’s sure ain’t: at any sport. So now I’m out in the frosty streets with my mate Bladesey, who’s coming to the Dam on holiday with me. I fancy carrying on here. Too right I do. It’s snowing lightly. I catch a snowflake and marvel at its perfection through a lager haze, before it disintegrates in the heat of my hand.
It’s starting to fall heavier as I steer a reluctant Bladesey into a scabby drinking den down in the Cowgate, one of those dives with a late licence which is full of students and pishheids. I stomp my feet to shake the snow off my boots and set up two more pints. We find a seat and I hear some cunt at the next table talking aboot the fitba, he’s saying something like Stronach’s been a good servant but there isnae a full ninety minutes in him anymair. I’m considering this rather obvious point when out of the corner of my eye I see a completely wrecked auld cunt in faded but clean clathes, noising up some students. The young cunts are lapping it up though, indulging the auld fuckin nobody.
– Isn’t that the bohemian chap, Arthur Cormack, you know the old chap who recites the poems? Bladesey’s asking me.
I look at him and scoff. – You call the cunt a bohemian, but what does that mean? Tae me that’s a fuckin jakey.
– Well actually, he has had a collection of poetry published, and it did win an Arts Council award.
– That’s what a bohemian is though, that’s the definition: a sponging alcoholic jakey cunt who manages to con rich liberal wankers intae believing that he’s some fucking intellectual. He’s a fuckin jakey! He lives in the doss-hoose. You can call him what the fuck you like, but tae me he’s just a fucking sponging jakey cunt!
I look across and note that some shaggable wee student birds are making a fuss of this stinking bundle of rags and I detest him even more.
– Actually, I don’t know . . . if he lived on the left bank of Paris or somewhere like that, he’d be accepted universally as a bohemian . . . Bladesey says, taking off his glasses and rubbing the lenses with a cloth. One of Bladesey’s mince pies is in much worse nick than the other so one lens is far thicker.
– Fuckin froggy cunts, what the fuck dae these cunts ken? A jakey’s a fucking jakey. I point across at the auld cunt. –Ye call that art? Ah’ve heard um. A jakey mumbling fuckin crap poems at people who dinnae want tae fucking well hear them. So that’s what they call art now, is it? Or some fucking schemie writing aboot aw the fucking drugs him n his wideo mates have taken. Of course, he’s no fucking well wi them now, he’s living in the south ay fucking France or somewhere like that, connin aw these liberal fucking poncy twats intae thinkin that ehs some kind ay fuckin artiste . . . baws! Fuckin baws! I shout over at the jakey and his student pals.
&n
bsp; Bladesey looks a bit nervous. – Bruce, is there anywhere we could, eh actually, ehm go . . .
– Point taken Bladesey. It smells like Scrubbers’ Close in here, I snort, looking over at the pisheid and a student with that nigger hair and rags these rich white kids like tae wear. – Come back to my gaff, I tell him. We’re both three sheets to the wind.
– Your wife won’t mind?
– Naw, she’s at her mother’s at Aviemore. The auld girl’s not so well. Heart disease.
– Oh dear . . . Bladesey looks at me sadly, like that fuckin dug, what’s it they call the cunt . . . Droopy, like that dug Droopy in the cartoons.
– Brought it on herself, daft auld cunt, I explain. –You go tae that hoose and the amount of butter they eat, and they fry everything. Sweets, chocolate as well, and fags . . .
– I see . . . I see . . . Bladesey always says in a tone which tells me that, no, the cunt does not fuckin well see. Your best psychologist is the one on the force, pished or no. I’m thinking aboot her mother and I’ll give the auld doll this: she always made a good nosh up: Plenty meat. Needed rode though: that was her problem, ever since the old boy kicked it. No enough rumpy-pumpy tae keep the circulation ay blood flowing. Nae wonder her arteries clogged up. The auld boot’s ain fault for being sae fuckin frigid. I warned Carole that she’d go the same wey if she didnae lighten up a bit on the shaggin front.
We down our pints and head outside and I flag down a taxi and we’re off towards mine. The snow’s really starting to lie which means total chaos for the rest of us and serious OT for those traffic spastics who are regarded as the lowest of the low by the Serious Crimes boys. The taxi driver’s blethering away sociably, thinking, mistakenly, that this is going to earn him a tip. Wrong! Only an imbecile would think of giving an Edinburgh taxi driver a tip. Sorry, my sweet, sweet friend, but the same rules apply. When we stop and get out of the cab, I work off all my smash on to the cunt, counting it into his hands as his mouth becomes a fraught, shivering gash of disapproval.