“Oh please. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Indulge me,” he clipped.
“Friday night, at the gala. Next to the rooftop pool of the Montage Hotel in Beverly Hills,” she ended in a voice thickening because of the hurt that flooded her heart once again.
He locked his eyes with hers and she battled to draw a breath. There was tension in him that he wasn't even trying to mask. His gaze was like a knife into her heart, the sharp point digging deeper to hurt even more. Where there had been warmth before was an emptiness now, but not in a vulnerable sense, rather it was filled with raw anger. His unmoving gaze was accompanied by deliberate slow breathing, like he was fighting to keep control but was slowly losing the battle.
“That gala, Alexis, was six-months ago, before I went to Iceland,” his voice had dropped another octave and sounded labored.
“But—”
“If you had bothered to listen to the insertion of the clip, you would’ve known that. But, I suppose it was easier to paint me the villain. Is this it? Your way out?”
“Noah—”
“Goddammit, Alexis!” He roared and with one sweep of his hand cleared the bedside table. The lamp and water carafe crashed to the floor. Her eyes followed the shards of glass as it shattered to pieces.
He stalked closer and she stepped back until she was pressed against the wall. He stared at her with his hands on his hips, it seemed like steam was blowing from his nose. He looked like a wild bear.
“You don’t think much of me, do you, Alexis?”
“That’s not true, Noah, but when I saw you kiss . . .” She swallowed her words at the dark look that crossed his features.
“That I was such a fucktard and lowlife; that I would cheat on you at the first opportunity I get?”
“Noah, we never discussed our relationship . . . not after that first night and we didn’t make a commitment—”
He pressed his face into hers and sneered through clenched teeth.
“I did! I made a commitment to you. Fuck, Alexis, I tell you with my hands and lips every time I touch you, caress you or kiss you. Do you honestly think we have such explosive sex just because I’m a good lover? NO! It’s because I make a commitment to you every fucking time we make love. Every. Single. Time.”
He walked away, only to spin around and crowd her against the wall again.
“Do you honestly believe I would throw away all the time it took me to patiently unlock your emotions for just another piece of ass? That I have so little self-control or respect for you? Did you, for one moment, consider why I was willing to give you time to adapt to me . . . to the lifestyle I live and to accept what is developing between us?”
“I’m sorry, Noah. I—”
He pressed his fingers against her lips to silence her. His eyes had become pools of dark melted chocolate, swirling with emotions she couldn’t decipher.
“Sorry, isn’t going to do it, Alexis. Not for this. Not for relegating me to a heartless creature. For throwing my trust back into my face.”
He turned and walked toward the door. He stopped and stared at her for long moments.
“I gave you my trust the day you stepped inside my house and I’ve offered you mine repeatedly. All you had to do was reach out and grasp it. But, I guess it’s easier to fall back in the same old hollow existence than taking the time to build the foundation of a relationship I desire to have with you.”
He flung the door open and disappeared. Only to walk back a few seconds later. Alexis hadn’t moved. She was staring at him with silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I have been yours from that day you stumbled into my arms, Alexis. I made it clear I was looking for permanency. I’m forty years old and I want someone to love me as much as I love her. To build a future and have my children.” He sighed heavily. “I offered all of me freely, unconditionally and it’s still yours for taking, but only if you desire to have all of me. Not just my body for mind boggling sex, but my mind, heart and soul. Unless you can trust me, and say yes to all I offer, don’t even bother.”
Chapter Eleven
By Friday night Alexis was a walking ghost. She couldn’t sleep and worked sixteen-hour days just to keep busy and her mind occupied.
Because the moment everything went quiet, all she saw in her mind’s eye was the disappointment and regret in Noah’s eyes, when he realized that she didn’t trust him.
She neatened her desk and packed up her laptop before leaning back in the comfortable office chair.
“You messed up, Alexis. So badly,” she said dejectedly.
Why was it so difficult for her to open herself to the feelings she had developed for Noah? They were real; she’d acknowledged that much over the past four days. Then why couldn’t she march into his office and tell him? Beg him to forgive her and let her show him how much she trusted him and the future he offered.
“And since I realized just how true his words had been, I so badly want that in my life,” she whispered brokenly.
But Alexis knew what held her back—a lifetime of emotional neglect. She allowed her mind to wander and cringed at the familiar chilled voice she unlocked from deep within her memory bank.
“What now, Alexis? Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“I just wanted to say goodbye, Mom. The shuttle is here to pick me up,” the twelve-year-old girl said hopefully. She cowered at the searing look of annoyance her mother slanted toward her.
“Well, then, consider yourself greeted. Off you go,” she ordered and turned back to working on her computer.
Alexis turned around dejectedly. Another semester at the dreadful boarding school while all she yearned for was her family. And that was the kind of goodbye she usually got. Her dad hadn’t even bothered to goodbye before leaving for work. Alexis wondered if he even remembered she was off to school.
“Oh, and Alexis? Please stop calling us every second day. It’s very distracting at night when your father and I are having dinner. Once, every second Saturday is adequate.”
“Yes, mom,” she managed to croak but she was unable to stem the flow of tears.
She should be used to it by now, but it never got any easier. In fact, the older she got, the harder it became. The knowledge, that to her parents, she was nothing more than a nuisance.
That’s how Alexis had grown up; from an insecure pre-teen to a mature woman who questioned any form of affection.
Life had never been easy with her parents, but after that day, she struggled to find herself and stand alone at such a young and vulnerable age in an impersonal society. In some ways her life improved. There were good people who cared for her. But she’d always been lonely on a more personal level. She had no roots, nothing to anchor her to this world.
Alexis had learned to hide her vulnerability; no one realized the roots she lacked. She became a new person; painting the world with the vibrancy of her laughter and kindness. And once she shook off her parents and walked away for good, she began looking forward to the future and worked hard in everything she did.
She’d made a silent vow that day on the way to boarding school that she would never be a parent because she felt ill-equipped to nurture a child, because of how her parents had treated her. She feared she would be the same way.
“It’s time to get over it, Alexis. You’re a grown-up. Fuck, you’ll be thirty-three in a couple of months,” she realized with a start.
It’s been thirteen years since she’d walked out of her parent’s house. She’d heard that they were on a world tour a couple of years ago and intended to travel the balance of the years. She’d shrugged it off. She was over them.
She sighed heavily. It was easier said than done. A lifetime of neglect was hard to forget or change. But, unless she was prepared to walk away from Noah for good, she had to try and make the effort.
“No, not try. You have to do it. It’s the only way,” she told herself.
She shrugged into her coat and glanced
at her watch. It was already eight in the evening. Poor David. He’d been carting her home at late hours this whole week.
He must be sick of me by now.
“Why are you still here, Alexis. It’s after eight.”
Alexis started at the gruff voice. Mason stood in the doorway. His body looked stiff and tense. His eyes caught hers. She didn’t see any reproach or recrimination in them; she saw understanding.
She couldn’t move; the tears began to fall, and she didn’t even try to stop them. Her body shook and fell against his when he walked closer and pulled her into his embrace. She hadn’t cried since Noah had walked away from her, but now, seeing Mason and remembering how close the four of them had grown, the waterworks opened.
“I don’t know what to do, Mason. I was such a fool. I should’ve known better,” she whispered against his throat.
“Yes, little one, you should’ve. Haven’t you realized yet the level of integrity Noah has? He never does anything by half measure. Why would he now, with you?”
He leaned back and tilted her chin with his fist.
“He loves you, Alexis. How could you not have realized that? He would never jeopardize a future with you for anything, let alone a quick romp between the sheets. And why would he? When you sexually give him more than anyone has ever done before?”
Alexis stared at him, allowing his words to flow into her psyche. She frowned when there wasn’t a flux of relief or realization from within. Did her parents damage her ability to recognize love and commitment and she was doomed for eternity?
Mason ran his fingers through her hair and placed a tender kiss on her brow.
“It’s time to let go, Alexis. From what you told us, you didn’t have the guidance as a young kid to understand love and acceptance. Commitment and trust even less, but you survived. You’re one of the strongest and most straight forward women I’ve ever met. It’s there, inside you, little one. All you need, is to open your mind and let it out. Embrace it and you’ll be free.”
“I wish it was that easy, Mason,” she whispered dejectedly.
“It’s easier than you think, Alexis. I know. I’ve been there too, but it won’t come by itself. You have to want to be free from these chains binding you to a life of loneliness. You can’t live your life in the past, little one. No one can look into the future if they keep looking back. Close that door once and for all and look ahead. There is so much waiting for you out there.” He smiled gently. “With Noah.”
“How do I make it right, Mason? How do I undo the damage I’ve done with my ignorance and mistrust?”
“Find that door first, Alexis because until you can walk through it and slam it shut behind you, there’s no future with Noah. He won’t accept anything less than full commitment and trust from you.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and walked her to the door.
“Now, go home and get some sleep. You look like death.”
* * * * * * * *
Alexis dragged her feet over the small landing to her front door. She wasn’t looking forward to spending another sleepless night.
It was true, what they said about regret. It always came too late, especially when caused by your own stupidity.
She shouldered open the door and dumped her laptop and handbag on the floor while struggling out of her coat. It was nice and toasty inside, with soothing music playing in the background.
Music? The fireplace? What the—
“It’s about time you came home. I was about to call in the rangers.”
“Rachel?” She squeaked and peeped over the sofa. Her petite, blonde friend was sprawled on her back with a mug of, what smelled like, hot chocolate balanced on her chest.
“The one and only. Now get over here and give me a hug,” she ordered and sat up, placing the mug on the small side table.
They fell into each other’s arms and laughed gaily.
“I can’t believe you’re here. God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Alexis admitted and tightened her hold on Rachel. Suddenly, she couldn’t let go and she was transported back to the day she’d arrived at school the day her mother had so cruelly snubbed her.
Rachel had been there when she arrived at the hostel and without Alexis having to say a word; she’d stood up and hugged her. Held onto her like she was offering to grow roots with her.
“It’s okay, Lex, we’ll get through this. You and me. We’ll show them. One day, we will look back on this day and we’ll laugh, knowing they didn’t defeat us.”
Alexis had drawn her strength from this petite woman all her life. That someone so tiny had had so much inner strength, at such a young age had been force behind Alexis’ personality since then. She’d learned from Rachel to be her own person and not to depend on others for anything. But where Rachel had maintained a balance between living for the future and leaving the past behind, Alexis had failed.
“There now, Lex, I’m here and we’ll get you through this. Like we’ve always done.”
“Shanna? Is she here too?”
“No, she couldn’t get away. One of the resident doctors had gotten sick and she had to take over his weekend shifts. But, she’s here in spirit.”
“I know that. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through life without you two.”
Alexis, Rachel and Shanna had been roomies in the hostel since they were eight years old. Every year they’d fought the hostel matron until they were put together. Eventually, she gave up and didn’t try to separate them.
“Sit down. You look ready to keel over. When did you last eat?” Rachel asked with a frown. It took some effort to hide her concern when she noticed how pale and drawn Alexis looked. She and Shanna had had a feeling something was wrong, which was why Rachel was here. It had always been like that. The bond they had formed over the years was so strong; they always knew when one needed the others’ support.
“I dunno. Sometime yesterday, I think,” Alexis said. She sank into the sofa and watched Rachel squirrel around in the kitchen.
“There, let’s get you heated up while I fix us something to eat. I already prepared the steaks and potatoes, so it won’t be long.”
She handed Alexis a steaming mug of hot chocolate and then continued in the kitchen. It was open plan which gave the cottage a warm and idyllic ambience.
“It seems the people around here are very friendly. Take the shuttle driver for example, David, he chatted nonstop with me from the airport. Shame, he had to drive all the way out there for me especially. It was so sweet of him to drop me here and not mention anything to you, don’t you think?”
Alexis shook her head. As usual, Rachel was a chatterbox and didn’t even stop to take a breath in that debrief.
“He is a very sweet man. What time did you arrive?”
“Just after three. I wanted to be here before you came back from work. I just didn’t realize you slept at the office,” she said in a condoning voice.
Alexis shrugged. “You know me—workaholic is my middle name.”
“Yeah, and I’m Humpty Dumpty.”
With her usual efficiency as a top-notch chef, dinner was ready in no time and they sat eating with plates on their laps in the lounge. Alexis didn’t miss the covert glances Rachel slanted her way now and then. She kept a running relay of all the news from home which brought a smile to Alexis’ lips. Rachel had the gift of painting a canvas with words. Every story was told in such rich detail; you couldn’t help but visualize it in your mind.
After the dishes were done, Rachel returned with a refill of hot chocolate and plunked a bowl of caramel popcorn on Alexis’ lap.
“Now. Tell me what’s got you so upset that you look like death warmed over.”
Alexis stared at the popcorn. She popped one into her mouth and chewed.
“I think I might’ve developed diabetes over the past couple of days with the amount of caramel popcorn I’ve had.”
It took two more mouthfuls before Alexis had the courage to admit, “I fucked up, Rachel. So b
adly. And I have no idea how to fix it.”
Her gaze was glued to the flickering flames. Noah’s face materialized in the raging fire. Her heart missed a beat.
God, I miss him so much!
“He gave himself to me. On a platter and I . . . was too blind and too ignorant to see. It’s times like these that I hate them the most. You know, Rachel?”
“I know, honey,” she said quietly, waiting for Alexis to continue.
“I betrayed his trust and to a man like Noah, it’s the ultimate perfidy. He’ll never forgive me . . . he won’t understand.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Noah you told us about, Alexis.”
“And to top it off, I think I’ve picked up a ton of weight from all this sugar. Now, he definitely won’t want me back,” she hypothesized in self-pity.
“Nonsense, enough of this sorry act, Alexis. Come on, put on your big girl panties and tell me what the fuck happened.”
Alexis breathed in deeply and the entire sordid tale came out. She didn’t leave anything out and listening to herself relaying the incident, made her feel ten times worse. Her eyes were wide and filled with regret.
“How could I have not known, Rachel? He showed me, in every touch, every kiss and with every word he spoke. He wanted me. He trusted me. He could’ve loved me. I know this now. But I threw it back in his face with my mistrust.”
Rachel sat down next to her and took her hand in hers.
“Life has dealt you a lousy hand for so long, Alexis; me too, for that matter, but we managed to rise above that. Don’t let all the hard work we’ve put in to be for nothing. Don’t let your parents win. It’s time to stop living with regrets. They aren’t your wrongdoings to fix, Lex. You are not them. You will never be like them. You’re such a strong, independent and successful woman and I’m proud to be your friend. And guess what?”
“What?”
“You did that without any help from them. You did it. You became the best that you could be. Why don’t you trust your heart to guide you down the path of happiness?”
Say Yes (Their Command Series Book 1) Page 9