"But everyone admires you, Mother," Ellie said. "Your family here loves you, and you could spend years getting to know all of Simone and Michael's family. You would never be a problem to any of us."
"That's not really the issue," Nicole said. She turned her wheelchair around and faced one of the bare walls. "The universe is in constant renewal," she said, as much to herself as to Ellie. "Everything—individuals, planets, stars, even galaxies—has a life cycle, a death as well as a birth. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the universe itself. Change and renewal are an essential part of the overall process. The octospiders know this well. That's why planned terminations are an integral part of their overall replenishment concept."
"But Mother," Ellie said from behind her, "unless there is a war, the octospiders only put individuals on the termination list who are no longer making enough of a contribution to their society to justify the resources being expended. There is no cost to us for keeping you alive. And your wisdom and experience are still valuable."
Nicole turned around and smiled. "You are a very bright woman, Ellie," she said. "And I will acknowledge that there is truth in what you are saying. But you are conveniently ignoring the two key elements in my decision, both of which I have already explained at great length… For reasons neither you nor anybody else may be able to understand, it is important to me that I be able to choose my own time of death. I want to make that decision before I am either a burden or out of the mainstream of activity, and while I still have the respect of my family and friends. Second, it is my feeling that I do not have any defined niche in the post-transfer world. Therefore I cannot justify, in my own mind, the massive physiological intervention that will be necessary before I can function without being a problem for others. From so many different points of view, now seems to be an excellent time for me to make my exit."
"As I told you at the very beginning," Ellie said, "your cold, rational analysis, whether correct or not, should not be the only consideration. What about the feeling of loss that Benjy, Nikki, I, and the others will experience? And our sorrow will be increased by the knowledge that your death at this time could have been avoided."
"Ellie," Nicole said, "one of the reasons I came back to say good-bye to you and the others was to try to assuage any feeling of loss that you might have after my death. Again, look at the octospiders. They do not grieve."
"Mother," Ellie interrupted, fighting the return of the tears, "we are not octospiders, we are human beings. We grieve. We feel desolate when someone we love dies. We know, in our minds, that death is inevitable and that it is all part of the universal scheme, but nevertheless we weep and feel an acute sense of loss."
Ellie paused for a moment. "Have you forgotten how you felt when Richard and Katie died? You were devastated."
Nicole swallowed slowly and looked at her daughter. I knew this would not be easy, she thought. Maybe I shouldn't have come back. Maybe it really would have been better if I had asked the Eagle to tell everyone I had died of a heart attack.
"I know you were upset," Ellie said softly, "to find out that an alien robot had replaced you in Michael and Simone's family. But you shouldn't overreact. Sooner or later all of their children and grandchildren will learn that there can be no substitute for the real Nicole des Jardins Wakefield."
Nicole sighed. She felt she was losing the battle. "I did acknowledge to you, Ellie, that I felt there was no place for me in Michael and Simone's family. But it is unfair for you to imply that my reaction to the other Nicole is the sole, or even the main reason for my decision."
Nicole was becoming exhausted. She had planned to talk first to Ellie, then to Benjy, and finally to the rest of the group before she went to sleep. Ellie had been much more difficult than she had expected. But were you being realistic? Nicole asked herself. Did you really think Ellie would say, "Great, Mother, it makes sense. I'm sorry to see you go, but I understand completely"?
There was a knock on the door of the apartment. The Eagle looked at the two women after the door was opened. "Am I intruding?" the alien asked.
Nicole smiled. "I think we are ready for a short break," she said.
Ellie excused herself to go to the bathroom and the Eagle walked over to Nicole. "How's it going?" he said, bending down to the level of the wheelchair.
"Not so well," Nicole answered.
"I thought I'd drop by," the Eagle said, "to tell you that your request to visit the Knowledge Module has been approved. Assuming the basic situation you described to me in the shuttle is still valid."
Nicole brightened. "Good, " she said. "Now if I can just summon the courage to finish what I have started."
The Eagle patted her on the back. "You can do it," he said. "You are the most extraordinary human we have ever encountered."
Benjy's head was resting on her chest. Nicole was on her back with her arm wrapped around her son. So this may be the last night of my life, she thought as she drifted toward sleep. A small tremor of fear rushed through her and she forced it aside. I am not afraid of death, Nicole said to herself, not after what I have already experienced.
The visit from the Eagle had refortified her. When her conversation with Ellie had resumed, Nicole admitted that there was merit in all of Ellie's points and that she didn't mean to cause distress for her friends and family, but that she was determined to proceed with her decision. Nicole had then pointed out to Ellie that Benjy and she, and to some extent the others, would have an opportunity for additional individual growth in her absence, because there would no longer be an authority figure around to whom they could appeal.
Ellie had told Nicole that she was a "stubborn old woman," but that, because of her love and respect, Ellie would try to be supportive in the few remaining hours. Ellie had also asked Nicole if she intended to do anything specific to hasten her death. Nicole had laughed and told her daughter that no unusual steps would be necessary, for the Eagle had assured her that without supplementary medication her heart would fail in a matter of hours.
The conversation with Benjy had not been that difficult. Ellie had volunteered to help explain everything and Nicole had accepted her offer. Benjy knew that his mother was suffering and in poor health, and he had no knowledge that the aliens possessed the medical ability to fix her problems. Ellie had assured Benjy that Max, Eponine, Nikki, Kepler, Marius, and Maria would all still be part of his everyday world.
Of the larger group, only Eponine had had tearful eyes when Nicole had informed them of her decision. Max had said that he wasn't completely surprised. Maria had expressed sadness that she hadn't spent more time with the woman who had "saved my life." Kepler, Marius, and even Nikki had all been unsure of themselves and hadn't known what to say.
While she was preparing for bed, Nicole had promised herself that she would locate Dr. Blue first thing in the morning and say a proper good-bye to her octospider friend. Just before she had switched out the lights, Benjy had approached his mother and asked, since this would be their last night together, if he could cuddle with her "like I did when I was a little boy." Nicole had agreed, and after Benjy had snuggled up against her on the mat, tears had run across her cheeks and moistened her ears.
10
Nicole awakened early. Benjy was already up and dressed, but Kepler was still asleep on the far side of the room. Benjy patiently helped Nicole shower and dress, as he had before.
Max came into the apartment a few minutes later. After waking up Kepler, he walked over to Nicole's wheelchair and took her hand. "I didn't say much last night, my friend," Max said, "because I couldn't find the right words… Even now, they seem so inadequate…"
Max turned his head away. "Shit, Nicole," he said in a breaking voice, without facing her. "You know how I feel about you. You are a beautiful, beautiful person."
He stopped. The only sound in the room was the water running for Kepler's shower. Nicole squeezed his hand. "Thank you, Max," she said softly, "it means a lot to me."
"When I was eighteen," Max
said hesitantly, turning back to look at Nicole, "my father died of a rare kind of cancer. We all knew it was coming. Clyde and Mom and I had watched him wither away for several months. But I still didn't believe it, even after he was lying in the coffin. We had a small service at the cemetery, just our friends from the neighboring farms plus an auto mechanic from De Queen, a man named Willie Townsend who got drunk with Dad every other Saturday night."
Max smiled and relaxed. He loved telling stories. "Willie was a good ole son of a bitch, a bachelor, hard as nails on the outside, and soft as putty underneath. He was jilted by the De Queen High School homecoming queen when he was a young man and never again had a girlfriend. Anyway, Mom asked me if I would say a few words over my dad at the graveside service, and I agreed. I wrote them myself, memorized them carefully, and even practiced once out loud in front of Clyde.
"Come the service, I was ready with my speech. 'My father, Henry Allan Puckett, was a fine man,' I began. I then paused, as I had planned, and looked around. Willie was already sniffling and was looking down at the ground. Suddenly I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say next. We all stood there in the hot Arkansas sun for what seemed like forever but was probably only thirty seconds or so. I never did remember the rest of my speech. Finally, out of both desperation and embarrassment, I said 'Aw, fuck,' and Willie chimed in immediately with a loud 'Amen.'"
Nicole was laughing. "Max Puckett," she said, "there cannot be anyone like you anywhere in this universe."
Max grinned. "Last night, when Frenchie and I were in bed, we were talking about that other Nicole the aliens had created for Simone and Michael, and Ep wondered if they could make a robot Max Puckett for her. She liked the idea of having a perfect husband who always did exactly what she asked—even at night. We laughed until our sides hurt trying to imagine, well, you know, what the robot might or might not be able to do in bed."
"Shame on you. Max," Nicole said.
"Actually it was Frenchie who really got imaginative. Anyway," Max said, "I was sent over here with a specific purpose, to inform you that we are having a catered breakfast next door, courtesy of the blockheads, as part of our attempt to say good-bye, or wish you 'bon voyage,' or whatever is appropriate. And that it will start in exactly eight more minutes."
Nicole was delighted to discover that the mood at breakfast was light and pleasant. She had stressed several times the night before that her departure should not be a time for sorrow, that it should be celebrated as the end of a wonderful life. Apparently her family and friends had taken her remarks to heart, for she saw only an occasional somber face.
Ellie and Benjy sat on either side of Nicole at the long table set up by the block robots. Next to Ellie was Nikki, then Maria, and Dr. Blue. On the other side Max and Eponine were beside Benjy, then Marius, Kepler, and the Eagle. During the meal Nicole noticed with surprise that Maria was actually conversing with Dr. Blue. "I didn't know you could read colors, Maria," Nicole said, a clearly complimentary tone in her voice.
"Only a little," the girl said, slightly embarrassed by the attention. "Ellie has been teaching me."
"That's great," Nicole commented.
"Of course the real linguist in this group," Max said, "is that strange birdman at the end of the table. We even saw him yesterday talking to the iguanas in bizarre clicks and screeches."
"Yuch," said Nikki, "I wouldn't want to talk to one of those nasty creatures."
"They have an altogether different way of looking at the world," the Eagle said. "Very simple, very primitive."
"What I want to know," Eponine said, leaning forward and directly addressing the Eagle, "is what I have to do to get an alien robot companion of my own. I'll take one that looks like Max here, except is not ornery and has certain other improved attributes."
Everyone laughed. Nicole smiled to herself as she looked around the table. This is perfect, she thought. I couldn't have asked for a better farewell.
Dr. Blue and the Eagle gave her one last dose of the blue liquid while Nicole was arranging her bag. She was glad to have a private moment to tell Dr. Blue good-bye. "Thank you for everything," Nicole said simply, hugging her octospider colleague.
"We will all miss you," Dr. Blue said in color. "The new Chief Optimizer wanted to organize a grand send-off, but I told her I did not think it would be appropriate. She asked me to tell you good-bye on behalf of our entire species."
They all accompanied her to the air lock. There was one final round of smiling hugs, at wheelchair level, and then the Eagle and Nicole passed through the air lock.
Nicole sighed as the Eagle lifted her into her seat in the shuttle and folded the wheelchair.
"They were great, weren't they?" Nicole said.
"They love and respect you very much," the Eagle replied.
Once they left the starfish, the great tetrahedron of light was again turning slowly in their view. "How do you feel?" the Eagle asked.
"Relieved," Nicole said, "and a little frightened."
"That's to be expected," the Eagle said.
"How long do you think I have?" Nicole asked several seconds later. "Before my heart gives out?"
'That's hard to say exactly."
"I know, I know," Nicole said impatiently. "But you guys are scientists. You must have done some computations."
"Between six and ten hours," the Eagle said.
In six to ten hours I will be dead, Nicole thought. The fear was more palpable now. She could not push it completely aside.
"What's it like to be dead?" Nicole asked.
"We thought you'd ask that question," the Eagle answered. "We are told that it's similar to being unpowered."
"Nothingness, forever?" Nicole said.
"I guess so."
"And the act of dying itself?" she said. "Is there anything special about that?"
"We don't know," the Eagle said. "We were hoping that you would share with us as much as you can."
They flew in silence for quite a while. Ahead of them, the Node grew quickly in size. At one point the spacecraft changed its orientation slightly and the Knowledge Module moved to the center of their window. During the final approach, the other three vertices of the Node were below them.
"Why do you want to spend your final moments in the Knowledge Module?" the Eagle asked as they drew nearer to the magnificent tetrahedron.
Nicole laughed. "Now, that's a preprogrammed question if ever I heard one," she said. "I can already see my answer stored in some almost endless file, under Death: Human Beings, and other related categories."
The Eagle did not say anything.
"When Richard and I were marooned in New York years ago," Nicole said, "and did not think we had much of a chance to escape, we talked about what we would like to be doing during the last moments before our deaths. We agreed that our first choice would be making love together. Our second choice was to be learning something new, to be experiencing the thrill of discovery one last time."
"That's a very advanced concept," the Eagle said.
"And a practical one too," Nicole said. "Unless I miss my guess, this Knowledge Module of yours will be intriguing enough that I will not even be aware that the last seconds of my life are ticking down. If I am completely involved in something right up until the end, maybe the fear of death won't overpower me."
The Knowledge Module now filled their entire window. "Before we enter," the Eagle said, "I want to give you some information about this place. The spherical module is actually three separate concentric domains, each with a specific purpose. The outermost and smallest region is focused on knowledge associated with the present, or near present. The next inner region is where all the historical information about this part of the galaxy has been stored. The large inner sphere contains all the models for predicting the future, as well as stochastic scenarios for the next eons."
"I thought you had never been inside," Nicole said.
"I haven't," the Eagle replied. "But my Knowledge Module data base was updated
and expanded last night."
A door in the outer surface of the sphere opened and the shuttle started to enter. "Just a minute," Nicole said. "Do I understand that I will almost certainly never leave this module alive?"
"Yes," said the Eagle.
"Then will you please turn this vehicle around slowly and let me take one last look at the outside world?"
The shuttle executed a slow yaw maneuver and Nicole, sitting forward in her seat, gazed fixedly out the window. She saw the other spherical modules of the Node, the transportation corridors, and, in the distance, the starfish, where her family and friends were packing their bags for their transfer. In one orientation the yellow star Tau Ceti, so much like the Sun, was the only large object in the window, and despite its radiance and the scattered light from the Node, Nicole could still discern a few other stars against the blackness of space.
Nothing in this scene will be changed by my death, Nicole thought. There will just be one less pair of eyes to observe its splendor. And one less collection of chemicals risen to consciousness to wonder what it all means.
'Thank you," Nicole said after the full turn was completed. "We may now proceed."
11
Vehicles entering the Knowledge Module from space, as well as the tubes arriving from the other three modules, all ended up at a long slender station located on one side of the midlevel annulus that completely encircled the huge sphere.
"There are only two entrances, a hundred and eighty degrees apart, into each of the three concentric domains of the Knowledge Module," the Eagle said as Nicole and he were carried swiftly along the annulus by a moving sidewalk. To their right was the transparent outer surface of the module. On their left was a cream-colored, windowless wall.
"Will I be able to take off my suit and helmet soon?" Nicole asked from her wheelchair.
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