by Never , M.
I text Reese immediately before I throw a load of clothes in the washer. I shower quickly, opting out of doing my hair or makeup.
Reese doesn’t respond which only irritates me.
Since I’m supposed to meet Sam in a half hour, a face-to-face with Reese will just have to wait. Or will it? As I open the front door, Reese races into the driveway on his muddy dirt bike.
“Kayla?” He parks the bike, charging toward me. “Is everything all right? Your text was cryptic.”
“I’m fine,” I bite, digging in my purse to pull out the pills. “What the fuck are these?”
Reese turns white. The nickname Phantom fitting.
“Where did you get those?” he asks defensively.
“I found them in your book bag. Hidden in the lining. Why do you have Dev’s pills?” I push.
He works his jaw, his eyes jumping between my face and the amber bottles.
“Reese?” I stress.
“They’re mine,” he confesses stoically.
“Yours?” I reply perplexed. “If they’re yours, why do they have Dev’s name on them? And what doctor in his right mind would prescribe a dose so high? These are some serious meds.”
“A doctor who knows his patient is a professional motorcycle racer.”
“I don’t understand. Explain,” I demand, desperate to connect the dots.
Before Reese can utter a word, it all comes crashing together, making perfect sense. The extra “pain” pills Dev gave Reese. Why he wouldn’t let me touch them. Why he’s so tired all the time, pale, weak. The obsession with his leather bag, and why he won’t let it out of his sight.
“How sick are you?” I can barely choke out the words.
“I’m not sure. I’m supposed to see Dev while I’m here,” he divulges, not a trace of reaction on his face.
“Why do you need to see Dev?” But as I ask the question, I already know the answer. “Because he treats you.”
Reese gestures with his head. “No sponsor would ever sign a rider who wasn’t in perfect physical health, let alone one with a heart condition. My career would have been over before it even began.”
“Your career!” I erupt. “What about your body? Your demanding lifestyle is taxing it to the max. You know that, right? The strain you put on your heart could kill you!” I shout. The thought of our child growing up without a father crushes me. He was already pushing his luck with his profession. But this?
“I know!” he pops off. “And I don’t care! I have nothing else to live for! It’s my life! I can’t walk away!” he screams at me like he’s possessed.
“You have nothing else to live for?” The tears well in seconds. “What about me? And our child? And our future? They’re all things you wanted, Reese. All things you pushed for.”
“Kayla, that’s not what I meant. I do want all those things.” He takes a distressed step toward me. “That came out completely wrong.”
“No, it didn’t.” I back away. “It’s exactly how you feel. Dev told me nothing would be more important to you than racing, and he was right.”
“No, he wasn’t. You’re more important than anything.” His tone is dire.
“If that were true, you wouldn’t have married me under false pretenses! You wouldn’t have lied! You would have told me the truth!”
“I couldn’t!”
“Yes, you could!” Enraged, hurt, and deceived, I storm out of the house.
“Kayla!” Reese follows behind me so close he could be my damn shadow.
“Get away from me, Reese.” I escape into my truck.
“Where are you going?” he demands.
“Away from you! I need some space. Some time to think.” I slam the door and start the engine.
“Kayla!” Reese yanks on the handle, making a spectacle in my driveway. “You can’t leave!”
“Watch me.” I reverse, forcing him to step back or lose a toe.
I drive off, tears blurring my vision, my heart tearing in two.
“Stay with him and you’re condemning yourself to heartbreak.”
Dev was so fucking right. Why didn’t I listen? Reese is sick. He’s hiding his illness, and if the world finds out, he’ll lose everything. But if he keeps racing, I could lose him, and our child could lose their father.
The car steers itself as I pull up to the last place I ever thought I’d find myself. Dev’s black and green bike is parked out front, and the front door is open.
I rush out of my truck and pound on the screen’s metal frame, the tears still dripping from my eyes. Dev appears in the foyer, the look on his face saying it all. He swings the screen door open willingly. “He told you?”
“I found the pills.” I break down, retreating into his arms.
He pulls me inside and holds me close until the sobbing passes. I couldn’t comprehend how much I really missed him until this very second. Until the familiar warmth of his body engulfs mine.
“I am so sorry, Kayla.” He hugs me tighter.
“For what? Being right? For leaving me? Or not telling me?” I ask resentfully.
“All of it.”
“What’s wrong with him?” I look up at Dev, his warm blue pools bathing me in sympathy, regret, remorse.
“Dilated cardiomyopathy. His ventricles aren’t pumping blood the way they should.”
I nearly choke. Working in the cardiac wing of the hospital, I’m familiar with the term and the severity. “How bad is it?”
“It’s getting progressively worse. After years of pushing his body, his heart just can’t take the strain anymore. I try to monitor him as closely as possible, but it’s challenging with him always away.”
A somber realization hits. “That’s why you became a cardiologist, isn’t it? You changed your entire career for him. And that’s why he was here, in Maryland, wasn’t it? When he got into the accident? He came to see you so you could examine him?”
“It’s true. All of it.” He admits forthrightly. “We worked out a schedule in New York and then when I moved back.”
“Why is your name on his pills?”
“Discreetness,” is his simple reply.
“Who is Dr. Sanders?” I continue with my interrogation.
“A buddy of mine from medical school. He’s the only other person who knows. He prescribes the meds for Reese.”
“But you treat Reese as you?” My mind is boggled.
“Yes, on paper, as me. All the medication, and insurance and doctor visits are in my name. So there’s no trail.”
“And you’re okay with that? Lying for him?”
Dev shrugs, a guilty smile playing on his lips. “He’s my brother.”
“He’s suicidal,” I argue.
“It’s his life. His decision.”
“Do you hear what you’re saying? It’s insanity.” I gape.
“It’s something we agreed on a long time ago. Then you came along and changed everything.” He traps my chin.
“You both deceived me,” I whisper in anger.
“I know we did. We shouldn’t have lied. And I never should have walked away.” He tilts my face up. “I’m so sorry, Kayla. I can’t say it enough.”
“An apology doesn’t fix anything.”
“I know.” He presses his forehead to mine. “But I’m going try anyway . . . I’m sorry you got caught up in the middle of this. I’m sorry I turned my back on you. On us. I should have fought harder for you, but we can fix it.” He inches his mouth closer. “You don’t have to stay with him, butterfly.” He touches his lips to mine. Softly at first and then with more urgency. For a moment, I allow it because I’m upset and confused, and I miss him. But it isn’t right. Everything is different now. The whole situation, my life.
“Dev.” I break the kiss. “We can’t.” I fist his shirt.
“Yes, we can.” He moves in to embrace me again, but I turn my head, aching inside. “Kayla,” he begs, keeping me close. “I’m the one you’re supposed to be with. Reese will never love you the way I do.
Deep down, you know I’m right.”
I die a little inside. Dev is right. Reese will never love me the way he does, but Reese does love me, and I do love him.
We made a commitment. And I can’t turn a blind eye to that.
“I can’t just walk away from him.”
“Yes, you can.” He grabs my face, turning it so I’m forced to look straight into his searing blue gaze. “Get an annulment.”
“I’m pregnant.” I deliver the devastating blow.
All the hope in Dev’s eyes extinguishes. “It’s definitely his?”
“It is,” I confirm.
“Shit, Kayla.” Dev stumbles back placing an ocean between us. He leans against the wall, immediately withdrawn and suddenly a stranger. “I guess the ball is in your court, baby.”
That statement does nothing to make me feel better. What does he even mean? It’s my decision to choose between him and Reese? If there ever was a choice, there isn’t now. Reese is my husband, and the only thing that is going to change that is ‘till death do us part.’
“I’m sorry I came.” I retreat to the door in turmoil.
“I’m not. I love you no matter what.” His heartbreak evident.
His words are like a goddamn knife twisting in my gut.
I glance at Dev one last time. The image of him leaning against the wall with soul-crushing despair will forever be branded into my brain.
I slink out the door, clutching my abdomen. How did I get here? This morning, I woke up happy, and now, everything is falling apart.
I climb into my truck and rest my head on the steering wheel, tired, hungry, and emotionally spent.
And I have no idea what to do next.
I drive home mindlessly thinking about both Reese and Dev. Why did one have to end up my past and one my future? Why couldn’t I have them both? I guess the answer doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is the child growing inside me and the fate of his or her parents.
I don’t want to do this alone.
This baby needs its father.
And so do I.
37
Reese
I pace Kayla’s condo, crumbling one tiny piece at a time.
I have called and texted until my fingers bled with no reply. All I keep seeing is that devastated look in her eyes. The betrayal and the hurt. She’s right; I married her under false pretenses because I was afraid. I’m always afraid. Afraid of losing everything and becoming nothing. Without Kayla, I’m nothing. I feel the deterioration already setting in from just our brief separation.
I breathe her the way I breathe racing. The two have become one. A single entity.
A provisional piece of perfection.
But I know better than anyone, perfection doesn’t last. It’s a passing moment, a heartbeat in time.
A knock on the front door has me sprinting to answer it. “Kayla?”
“No, not Kayla.” Sam is standing on the other side. Arms crossed, a perturbed look on her face. “She didn’t show for lunch.”
She pushes past me into the condo. “Have any idea where she might be?”
“I don’t. But I wish I did.” I follow her into the kitchen.
“Trouble in paradise already?” she asks affronted.
I grind my teeth. “A bit of a lover’s quarrel,” I extend. The last thing I want is to get anyone else involved in my personal matters. At least until Kayla and I can smooth things over. If she ever comes back. I boot the niggling thought away.
“Isn’t this supposed to be the honeymoon phase?” It’s clear Sam isn’t happy about our shotgun wedding.
“We’re human. We fight.”
“Uh-huh,” she replies unconvinced. Sam’s resemblance to Kayla is uncanny. It’s like looking twenty years into the future.
“Do you have an opinion? Or are you just going to stand there and make passive-aggressive comments?”
Sam’s dark eyes sharpen. “Kayla is my niece, and this is her house, so I can do whatever the hell I want. And if I feel like making passive-aggressive comments at the man she just up and married, I will.”
“Well, Kayla is my wife, which means I have all the same liberties. So if you don’t want to play nice, leave a note and get the hell out. Because I’m not going anywhere.” Look, I get she’s pissed. Sam’s animosity is warranted. She was never a fan of Kayla being in a relationship with me and Dev. But she has no idea what transpired between the three of us. No idea about the love we shared or the heartbreak Kayla endured. Sam raised her, and she feels entitled. I empathize. Now that I’m going to become a father, the responsibility is all I can think about. The protection and my duty to keep that child safe. And its mother.
But what’s done is done. So either accept it or keep walking. We’re married, and it’s going to stay that way.
I hope.
Before Sam can shoot back a catty response, a weary looking Kayla walks through the front door.
We both straighten for different reasons. Me, apprehensive, Sam, pissed off.
“Where have you been?” Sam demands right off the bat.
Kayla’s tired gaze jumps between us. “I . . . I was with Dev.”
Both Sam and I share the same bewildered look, again for different reasons.
“What is going on, Kayla? You are married now.” Her tone is accusing.
“It’s not what you think. I just needed to talk to someone.” She steals a look at me.
“You can talk to me.” Sam steps forward, her steely resolve wavering.
I just stand there, eyeing Kayla, my ailing heart shrinking rapidly. She was with Dev. Troublesome thoughts get the better of me. Now that she knows the truth, she’s running right back to him. I mask my despondency as my core combat response surfaces. I know how much she loves Dev. It may be more than she loves me. They’ve always had a stronger emotional connection. Regardless, I’m not letting her go. If Dev wants her, he’ll have to fight for her. She’s my wife, and that’s my child. And I don’t give up what’s mine so easily.
“I know I can.” Kayla takes Sam’s hands. “But who I really need to talk to right now is Reese.” She pleads with her eyes.
They communicate silently, Sam surrendering to Kayla’s request.
“Tomorrow,” Sam stipulates sternly. “I get you all day. No ifs, ands, or buts. I’m taking the day off work, and we’re going to talk. About everything.”
“Yes, everything.” Kayla places her hand on her stomach, and Sam’s face falls.
“A baby?”
Kayla nods slightly. “Jesus, child, you drive me crazy.” Sam pulls Kayla into her arms and locks her in a death grip.
“I don’t mean to, I swear,” Kayla hugs her back tightly. Like she’s her only lifeline.
Sam vacates the house the same way she entered it. Commandingly and authoritatively.
Once she’s gone, all that’s left is me, Kayla, and a steaming shitload of unresolved issues.
I stare blankly at Kayla, unsure what to say next. I just keep replaying the minister’s words in my head. “The vows you take this morning cannot be broken with impunity. Your connection is as strong as the thread that sews you together. What is the material made of? String? Wire? Steel? Only the two of you can decide.”
What is our material made of? Is it strong like steel or fragile like string?
I’m afraid to ask, terrified it’s as breakable as a fraying piece of string. Terrified I’m going to hear the words I dread. That it’s over, she’s leaving, and taking our child with her.
That in the end, I’m going to die, pitiful and alone.
“How long have you known?” Kayla breaks the silence, distraught.
“I found out when I was twenty-two.” I clear my throat uncomfortably. This is difficult to talk about. Especially with so much on the line. “I started getting tired really easily at first. Then the fainting spells started. I passed out on the track right in the middle of a race. Skidded across the pavement, took out a half of dozen racers, and then slammed
into a tyre wall. You can watch it on YouTube if you want.”
“No, thanks.” She doesn’t even entertain the idea.
“Anyway, they had to take me out on a stretcher. Luckily, it was just brushed off as a routine rider error, but I knew the truth. Something was seriously wrong. So I went to Dev. He had just started medical school. We agreed, as a precaution, I would use his name to see a private doctor. After I received the diagnosis, it all snowballed from there.”
“Eight years? You have been abusing your heart for eight years?” She expels an anguished breath.
“Racing was my life. I couldn’t give it up. No matter what. No matter how sick I got. I would have rather died on a race track than anyplace else.”
“I kinda got that.”
“I know you’re upset.”
“I don’t think upset really covers it,” she responds callously.
All my defenses go up. “Are you going to leave me, Kayla?” I brace myself before blurting out my worst fear. Why prolong the inevitable? I’d rather just rip the bandage off right here right now, so I know what I’m up against.
“Is that what you want, Reese?”
“No.” I look her dead in the eye. “Why would you even ask that?”
“Because you set our relationship up for failure. You lied to me from the moment we met,” her voice elevates.
“Don’t take it personally. I lie to everyone. My entire existence is a universe of lies. I’ve been running from my past and my future for as long as I can remember.” I seize her arms. “You’re the only thing that makes me want to stop running.”
“How are you going to do that?” she challenges. “Are you going to walk away from everything you know? Stop racing? Live a quiet, normal life?” She’s skeptical, and she has every right to be.
“Quiet and normal? No, that’s not me.” I smile sadly. “But I’m willing to look for adventure someplace else. With you. The two of you.” I splay my hand over her stomach.
“Don’t get my hopes up, Reese.” She grips my wrist. “If you don’t want this, if there is any doubt . . . don’t make promises you can’t keep.” She’s deadly serious.