by Paige Toon
‘I’ll drive you home,’ he interrupts.
‘How will you get your car?’
‘I’ll walk back up. Come on,’ he snaps.
I obediently follow him to my car. He drives in silence, not offering to let me get behind the wheel. It’s just as well cars get insured for anyone to drive here, otherwise he’d be angry at me for making him break the law, too.
He pulls up on Michael’s driveway and turns off the ignition. He doesn’t get out of the car. After a long moment of staring out of the window, he turns to look at me.
‘You’re going to be fine.’ His eyes are filled with regret.
I begin to panic because I can sense that this is it. This is the end.
‘You will. I know you’ll be amazing whatever you decide to do.’
‘No, Ben, please no.’
‘I’ll miss you,’ he says tenderly.
‘Please don’t go,’ I whisper. ‘Come inside. There’s no one home. We can talk about this some more.’
I want him to kiss me, to make love to me, even if it’s the one and only time. I’ll cope with that. I try to convey my emotions with my eyes, and very slowly, he reaches over and strokes the side of my face with the back of his hand. Tears start to roll down my cheeks. And then he climbs out of the car.
I sit there in shock as he vaults himself over the boundary fence belonging to the conservation park and starts to climb upwards in the direction of Carminow Castle and Mount Lofty. He’s gone. I’ve lost him. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. My heart is broken beyond repair and I know I will never love anyone like this.
Ever again.
Now
Chapter 13
‘Lily?’ Richard laughs nervously. ‘Are you going to answer my question?’
‘Sorry,’ I blurt out. ‘I wasn’t expecting this.’
‘It can’t be that surprising, surely? I mean, we have been together for almost two years. I love you. You love me. At least, I think you do.’ Now he’s looking hurt.
‘No, I do!’ I exclaim. ‘Of course I do – you know I do. It’s just that, well . . . we’re at a wedding and I guess I wasn’t expecting a proposal at somebody’s else’s wedding.’
‘What, you want hearts and flowers, that sort of thing? I didn’t think you were into all that stuff.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Then what is it?’
What should I do?
I look around at our friends. Richard’s friends. We’re on a green and cream ferry on our way from Manly in North Sydney to Circular Quay. Sam is holding up Mikey to look over the railings and the wind is blowing the little boy’s blond hair back, making him laugh hysterically. Molly is nowhere to be seen. She’ll be inside, knowing her. She hates it when the ferry messes up her hair and her bridesmaid barnet needs extra protection today.
‘Forget it,’ Richard says.
I turn back to him and am engulfed with regret. ‘I’m so sorry. Of course I’ll marry you.’
His eyes light up. ‘You will?’
‘Of course.’
He grabs my face and presses a long kiss onto my lips. I break away, giggling. ‘But look, let’s not tell anyone yet. It’s Nathan and Lucy’s day.’
‘Okay.’ He beams and I’m glad I’ve made him happy.
I’ve just said yes to getting married! What the hell am I thinking? My heart starts to pound and I feel dizzy. Why did I do that? Why?
Richard puts his arm around me and pulls me tighter. I feel like I’m suffocating. I flap my hand in front of my face.
‘Are you alright?’ he asks with concern.
‘Feeling a little faint. I didn’t eat enough for breakfast.’
‘We’ll be eating at the reception soon,’ he says. ‘Do you want me to get you anything?’ He pats his pockets, as though expecting a packet of biscuits to appear miraculously.
‘No, no, it’s okay.’ I manage a weak smile. ‘I might stand up by the railings though, get some air.’
‘Okay.’ He rises to his feet to come with me. I wish he wouldn’t. I want some time to myself right now, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He leads the way and we go to join Sam.
‘Alright, mate?’ Richard says. ‘Mikey looks like he’s enjoying himself.’
‘He loves boats,’ Sam comments woefully. ‘Always going on about them. “Boat! Boat! Boat!” It’s all I ever hear.’
He tries to laugh it off, but there’s fear in Sam’s eyes. Mikey was named after Sam’s dad. His parents died in a boating accident years ago and I imagine he’s terrified of the same thing happening to his son.
I lean over the railings and hang out as we approach the Sydney Opera House. It’s quite windy today and multicoloured sailboats are out in force. To my right, Sam and Richard continue to chat.
Are you happy, Ben?
I waited for him for two years. I was like a zombie when he left. I don’t know how I managed to get through school. If it hadn’t been for Shane’s sister Tammy, I would have crumbled to dust. She picked me up. She introduced me to people. I made new friends. I settled in. I gradually started to move on.
But I never forgot him. And I never got over him. The day he got married was the day I felt like my life had ended. And a year later, when Michael revealed that Ben and Charlotte were trying for a baby, I found the willpower to stop asking about him.
My eighteenth birthday came and went. But there was no going back to England now. He had destroyed it for me. I never wanted to go home again.
The sad thing was, Michael asked Mum to marry him. I know, fancy saying that: ‘the sad thing was . . .’ It should have been a happy event, but it was the ultimate kiss of death for their relationship. Poor Michael. He should have known better. I still tell myself he had a lucky escape. Anyway, Mum decided to check out the men in Sydney. I didn’t have to go with her, but I thought perhaps a fresh start would be a good idea. Adelaide was still too painful. Even after all that time, talk of the conservation park, glances up at Mount Lofty, going into the city or to the beach and – God forbid – any of my friends arranging to meet at the lily pond . . . It all hurt too much. And the pain never seemed to dull. No guy could have taken my mind off him. I was asked out on several occasions, but I always said no. I thought maybe I’d feel differently if I moved to another part of Australia. It took a while, but I finally started to date again.
I met Richard two years ago when he’d just returned from the UK, of all places. He went there with his builder buddy Nathan to travel and get some work experience in another country. Now the two of them own a small construction business together. It keeps them busy.
Cheering brings me back to the present. The ferry is pulling into Circular Quay and our wedding party is preparing to get off. Up ahead, Nathan has lifted Lucy into his arms. Everyone claps as he carries his bride off the boat.
Despite my own reservations about marriage, I can’t help but smile. They make such a lovely couple. They always have. Lucy looks beautiful in a long, simple white dress. Nathan looks even more gorgeous than usual in a slim-fitting black suit and white shirt. No tie. I’ve never seen Nathan in a tie. He may be doing grown-up things like getting married, but he’s still a messy dark-haired surfer boy at heart.
When I met Richard, it didn’t take him long to introduce me to his friends: Nathan, Lucy, Sam and Molly. Sam is Nathan’s older brother and is married to Molly, and Mikey is their eighteen-month-old son. They welcomed me into their group with open arms, and for that I’m thankful. I had made friends in Sydney through work, but I never stopped missing my old pals Tammy, Vickie and Jo from school in Adelaide. Richard and his friends finally made me feel like Sydney was my home.
At the moment I’m working as a receptionist in the city for a large publishing house called Tetlan. It publishes all sorts of magazines, from celebrity ones to women’s glossies, teen titles and lads’ mags. I sit with two other girls and it’s our job to make a good first impression on the visitors coming to the building. My colleagues, Nicola and
Mel, are grab-life-by-the-horns individuals who always make me laugh. It’s a good job. I like it. Shame it’s temporary. The girl I’m covering for is only on maternity leave for a few more months. I don’t know what I’ll do after that.
When Ben left, I couldn’t take photos any more. I didn’t have the heart. I thought my passion would return some day, but I try not to think about it too much. And now it all feels like I’ve left it too late. As for becoming a vet, well, that’s almost laughable. I didn’t go back to work at the conservation park. To this day I can’t think of our little koala Olivia without a lump coming to my throat. I never saw her again. She was relocated to another conservation park in South Australia and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I put all these things into a little box inside my heart and keep it locked tightly shut. They only come out to bother me in the darkness of the night sometimes when I can’t sleep and when I allow myself to imagine what might have been if he hadn’t left . . .
The wedding reception is being held at a trendy bar right on the harbour. Richard takes my hand and swings it enthusiastically as we follow the crowd.
‘Are you feeling better now?’ he asks, looking down at me.
My Richard has short brown hair and warm brown eyes. I thought he was quite fanciable when he started chatting to me at a bar on the night we met, but I swear he’s become better-looking the more I’ve got to know him. At six foot two, he’s taller than me by just the right amount, and he’s tanned and toned from working outside on building sites all day. Even though he and Nathan own the company, the pair of them like to muck in and get their hands dirty, which is something I respect him for.
Holy mother of God, I’m engaged. What will my mother say?
I should go and see her. I haven’t seen her for ages. Not since Jeremy, and that’s saying something. She’s moved from man to man since we came to Sydney, but hasn’t settled into anything serious. Michael, on the other hand, is now happily married to Janine from the conservation park. She’s quite a bit younger than him, but apparently they hooked up after Mum and I left and Michael has never looked back. I’m happy for him. My mum is less so. Whenever I mention him she tells me off. ‘What are you going on about him for?’ I know it’s sour grapes on her part, but it’s not like she didn’t bring it all on herself. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if she’d stayed with Michael and I’d remained in Adelaide. I guess I would have eventually met a nice local boy. Or not.
Josh and I are still good pals. We chat on the phone every so often. He’s coming over to Sydney in a couple of weeks, actually, for Easter. He’s doing really well for himself and I’m proud of him. He still works with cars, although now he restores classic cars that are worth bucketloads of money. He hasn’t got married yet, but he’s been with the same girl for almost a year. Tina. I’ve never met her, but she must be a catch to be able to pin Josh down for this long.
Tammy, Vickie and Jo get over to Sydney for a girls’ weekend at least once a year. The rest of the time we spend catching up on the phone. Richard always tuts at me when the bill comes in. He doesn’t mind really. He knows I miss my girlfriends.
I have met people through various temping jobs I’ve done – but I never seem to have the time to consolidate those friendships before having to move on to the next job. The work can be fun while it lasts, but I’d like to stay where I am for longer than my nine-month maternity cover.
‘Lily!’ I turn to see Molly at the bar. Molly is tall and slim with a mop of red hair. ‘Get your arse over here!’ She claps her hand over her mouth and casts a horrified look at Mikey who’s in Sam’s arms to my left. ‘Mummy didn’t mean to say, “arse”, darling,’ she coos. ‘Don’t you say “arse”, my little love, it’s a bad word.’
‘Now you’ve said it three times, he’ll have it imprinted on his brain,’ Sam points out. ‘Pissed as a newt and it’s only one o’clock,’ he says as an aside to me, tutting affectionately.
Nathan and Lucy got married on the beach in Manly, a short walk from their home. We all went for a drink at a beachside bar by the ferry before hopping on board to come to Circular Quay for the reception. I suspect Molly had a few drinks with Lucy before she tied the knot. Although saying that, Lucy doesn’t look tipsy. She looks radiant.
‘Lily!’ Molly shouts again. ‘Are you coming or what?’ I squeeze Richard’s hand and he grins down at me as I leave him to join Molly at the bar. ‘Tequila slammers?’ she asks hopefully.
‘Molly,’ I laugh. ‘It’s a wedding.’
‘And?’
‘We can’t do shots at a wedding.’
‘Of course we can! Lucy would expect nothing less from us.’
‘But we haven’t even had lunch yet,’ I protest.
‘I knew you’d let me down.’ She shakes her finger at me. ‘Can we get a couple of white wines, please?’ she asks the barman. ‘Wine okay?’ she checks with me.
‘Wine is fine.’
‘Wine is fine! Wine is fine! Wine is fine!’ she sings, wrapping her arms around me. ‘Don’t they look great together?’
We look over at Nathan and Lucy. The look in his eyes as he gazes down at her . . . I’ve never seen a love like theirs. That’s a terrible thing to say, isn’t it? Especially when I’m getting . . . I’m getting married! Stop, stop, stop, don’t think about it now. But it’s true about Nathan and Lucy. They’re made for each other.
The funny thing with Richard is that there was never any build-up to us getting together. I was out at a bar with a couple of colleagues from a temping job I had at an insurance firm and Richard came along and offered to buy me a drink. I thought, why not? He seemed nice, we got chatting, and the evening culminated in a drunken snog on the steps outside. He took my number, I hardly even expected him to call, but when he did the very next day I thought, at least this guy isn’t someone who plays games. What the hell, of course I’ll go out with him.
We went to see a movie a few days later and our relationship progressed from there. But there were never any, ‘please let him fancy me’ moments. We just kind of fell into step with each other.
I do love him. There’s never any doubt in my mind about that. And I adore his friends and our lifestyle. Lucy and Molly are probably my closest girlfriends here. They’ve never made me feel left out, even though they’ve known each other since they were kids.
‘Cheers!’ Molly brings me back to the present. ‘Oh, it’s nice to have a drink,’ she says. ‘I swear I was more nervous about this wedding than the bloody bride.’
‘What were you nervous about?’
‘The weather, my shoes, my hair, whether Mikey would have his nap on time . . .’
We glance over at the little boy. Sam is holding his hands as he climbs along the back of a white leather sofa. ‘He seems pretty happy.’
‘I hope no one minds him having his shoes on that. Sam! Can you get him down?’ Molly calls.
‘He’s fine,’ Sam calls back.
‘I hate relinquishing control,’ she admits to me. ‘But Sam promised he’d take the reins today so I could be there for Lucy. And have a few drinks. Cheers,’ she says again.
‘What are you two talking about?’ Lucy appears at our side. About my height, with long brown hair and hazel eyes, she’s slim, curvy and pretty.
‘Do you need anything?’ Molly asks her. ‘Top-up of lip-gloss? Want me to come to the loo with you and hold up your dress?’
‘No, thanks.’ Lucy laughs. ‘Maybe if I was wearing a meringue. I could do with some lip-gloss, though.’ She holds out her hand while Molly rummages around in her silver beaded clutch bag.
‘Where the bleedin’ heck is it?’ Molly mutters. ‘Honestly, you’d think I’d be able to find lip-gloss in a bag this small when I usually have a nappy bag the size of Tasmania to contend with. Ah, here it is.’
She produces a pale pink tube and a compact mirror. Lucy surreptitiously applies some and then hands it over to me.
‘Thanks.’ I do the same before passin
g it back to Molly for her turn. We’re used to this routine.
‘Have you had a drink yet?’ Molly asks Lucy.
‘No. I’m dying of thirst.’
‘What do you want? Wine? Champagne? Tequila slammer?’ Molly suggests hopefully.
‘Ooh no, I’ll have one of those.’ Lucy points towards a tray of ruby-coloured drinks being carried past by a dashing young waiter. I reach over and swipe one for her just in the nick of time.
‘Sorry,’ the waiter apologises, looking back over his shoulder and spying me handing the drink to the bride. He immediately comes our way.
‘What are they?’ I ask, as he offers the tray to Molly and me.
‘Singapore Slings,’ he and Lucy say at the same time. ‘Seriously, you should swap from wine. These are gorgeous,’ she urges Molly and me.
‘I’ll take one for later,’ I tell the waiter.
‘Not for me,’ Molly says. ‘Wine is fine! Wine is fine!’
She says it so loudly that Lucy and I pull faces at each other. ‘Is she pissed?’ I mouth, and Lucy nods and grins.
‘I saw that,’ Molly growls. ‘I am not pissed! I’m just a bit . . . off my face.’
We all laugh.
‘How are you doing?’ Richard asks me half an hour later when we go to take our seats for lunch.
‘Good,’ I reply, not meeting his eyes.
‘Still feeling faint?’
‘No, I’m okay now.’
‘What’s that?’ He nods at my drink.
‘Singapore Sling. Lucy’s favourite.’
‘Nice?’
‘Really nice. Have a sip and see what you think. Are you having fun?’
‘Yeah. Nathan was just saying we should plan a surfing trip for when he gets back from his honeymoon. Go up to Byron when the swell comes in.’
‘That’d be cool,’ I say.
‘Do you want to come?’
‘No, you know what I’m like.’
‘Lucy will be there.’
‘Yeah, well, Lucy can surf, unlike me.’
‘You’ve never even tried!’ he exclaims. ‘Nathan taught Lucy, why don’t you let me teach you?’