by Paige Toon
‘Thanks.’ I can feel my face heating up.
Josh addresses Richard. ‘I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for.’
‘Hey!’ I exclaim, mock indignantly, but Richard wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me in, saying, ‘I’ve got the ball and chain ready.’
I whack him on his chest and free myself. ‘What do you want to drink?’ I ask my – I was going to say boyfriend, but it’s fiancé now, isn’t it? I cannot cope with this.
Richard glances down at the half-full glasses on the coffee table. ‘Fanta would be cool.’ He and Josh sit on the sofa.
Fiancé. Fiancé! It sounds so . . .
Old?
Yes, Ben, it sounds old. I know what you mean, now.
‘So what are the plans for tonight?’ Josh interrupts my internal conversation.
‘We’re meeting some friends of mine from work.’ I turn to Richard. ‘Are Molly and Sam coming?’
‘No, they’ve got Molly’s parents round,’ Richard replies. ‘The invite is still open for tomorrow’s Easter barbecue though. I said I’d let them know because I wasn’t sure what you two had planned.’
I glance at Josh and I’m unable to read his expression. ‘Cool, thanks.’ I don’t know if he’d rather go sightseeing, but I’ll check with him later.
Nicola and Mel are already at the bar when we arrive later that night. Even from the doorway I can see that Nicola is practically vibrating with excitement. We’re meeting at one of the trendy bars at the International Passenger Terminal near Circular Quay. It doesn’t sound glam, but it is. The girls have got there early enough to bag us a table with a view of the Opera House.
‘Good work!’ I beam as we approach. ‘Nicola, Mel, this is Josh. Josh, Nicola, Mel.’
Both leap to their feet to shake his hand. Even in the low light I can see that Nicola has gone red.
‘You remember Richard,’ I add.
‘Hi,’ Richard says, leaning in to kiss them each on the cheek. ‘I’ll go to the bar. What are you two drinking?’
‘We’re on the cocktails,’ Mel says, snatching the menu from the centre of the glossy orange table. The guys wait with remarkable patience as we fuss and coo over the different concoctions, then Josh sets off to the bar with my boyfriend.
Yes, boyfriend. I’m not using that other word, it sounds too ridiculous.
‘Holy shit!’ Nicola breathes as soon as their backs have turned. I look at her and grin at the wide-eyed astonishment on her face. ‘He’s even better-looking in real life!’
‘I told you,’ I warn her. ‘He has a girlfriend, remember.’
‘Yeah, whatever.’ She waves me away. ‘And you honestly expect me to believe you never shagged him?’
‘I never shagged him,’ I say firmly, rolling my eyes at Mel.
‘What a wasted opportunity,’ she says wistfully. ‘Not even when your parents were out?’
‘Not even when our parents were out. So what did you two get up to yesterday?’ I turn the subject to Bank Holiday proceedings and am soon bombarded with details of Mel’s conquest on Thursday night with a banker from the city.
‘He stuck around for breakfast?’ I ask. ‘That sounds promising.’
‘Yep,’ Mel replies gleefully. ‘We went for pancakes.’
‘Woohoo! Are you seeing him again?’
‘He’s going to call.’
‘Fingers crossed, then,’ I say as Richard and Josh return with a variety of multi-coloured drinks.
‘I can’t remember which is which,’ Josh says, plonking the drinks on the table.
‘Well, I ordered an Orgasm,’ Nicola says flirtatiously. ‘And I want to have at least one of those tonight so you’d better deliver one way or another.’
I stifle an outraged cry as Josh grins down at her before slumping into a chair. Mel and I gawp at each other, then at Nicola, but she pretends not to notice.
‘How was your flight?’ Mel asks Josh. I look across at Richard, still reeling from the shock of Nicola’s brazenness, but he shrugs and grins.
A few cocktails in and I’ve lightened up considerably.
‘Where are we going from here?’ Josh asks. He’s been basking in the glow of Nicola’s attention for the last two hours.
‘A Mexican restaurant I know. It’s got a good party atmosphere,’ I say.
‘Sounds great.’
‘And then we’ll hit a club if you haven’t collapsed by then.’
‘Collapsed?’ Josh sniggers. ‘Don’t you remember, I’m a hardcore party animal.’
‘That was years ago. You’re an old man now.’
‘Twenty-eight? Old? Please!’
Twenty-eight. Twenty-eight. That age again.
Clear as day I see Ben’s dark-blue eyes staring into mine on the night we bumped into each other in Hahndorf. That was when I knew he felt something for me.
‘She’s got that far-off look in her eyes again.’
I come back to the present with a bump to see everyone staring at me. Mel is grinning mischievously.
‘What are you thinking about?’ she prods.
I shake my head, dumbly.
‘She’s been like this loads over the last couple of weeks, hasn’t she, Nicola?’
‘Yes,’ Nicola says, smiling.
It’s true. I’ve been thinking about Ben a lot recently. Much more than I ever used to. I can’t get him out of my head, day or night. He’s there. Like a permanent resident.
‘She’s probably wedding planning,’ Richard chips in.
‘Wedding? Whose wedding?’ Nicola shrieks.
‘Haven’t you . . .’ Richard’s question trails off as he gives me a querying look. I shake my head briskly, but it’s too late.
‘You’re NOT!’ Nicola cries.
I shrug, embarrassed.
‘She is! When? When did he ask you?’
I glance at Richard, who is staring at me with a strange expression on his face. ‘Two weeks ago.’
‘And you kept it from us?’ Nicola all but hollers. ‘Why? Why would you do such a thing?’
‘Yes, Lily, why?’ Richard asks as quietly as the loud music will allow.
I give him a hopeless look. ‘I didn’t want to take anything away from Nathan and Lucy.’
‘Who the hell are Nathan and Lucy?’ Mel chips in, very unhelpfully I might add.
‘They don’t even know Nathan and Lucy,’ Richard says, and I shrug again. Even Nicola, who is halfway down the tipsy hill to drunk, starts to register the uncomfortable atmosphere.
‘I’m starving!’ Josh exclaims. ‘Can we get out of here, or what?’
‘I didn’t want them to make a big fuss,’ I tell Richard later as we lag behind the others on our way out of the restaurant. He’s been avoiding my gaze throughout the entire meal and I need to say something now because I’ve been feeling a bit sick for the past two hours. ‘I’m still getting used to the idea myself,’ I continue to explain when he doesn’t comment. ‘Richard, please say something.’
‘It’s fine.’
‘You don’t sound fine.’
‘I’m a little concerned,’ he admits, glancing at me with his warm brown eyes and it does nothing to expel the bad feeling in my stomach. ‘You’ve been acting strangely ever since I . . . I just don’t know if there’s something else going on. You’re always off out with your camera, and I guess you seem different somehow.’
‘I don’t know what you mean. Yes, I’ve been taking photos,’ I say crossly, ‘but how could you possibly have a problem with that? It makes me happy.’
‘It never made you happy before.’
‘It did! I used to love using my camera.’
‘Why did you stop then?’
I can’t find the words to answer.
‘It seems to have come out of nowhere,’ he explains. ‘I feel like I don’t know you.’
‘I’m sorry if it makes you feel threatened,’ I say coldly.
‘It’s not tha—’
‘But I’m not going to
stop.’ I cruelly cut him off, even though I heard the softening in his voice.
‘Suit yourself,’ he says unhappily, as he stalks off down the pavement towards the others. Mel is trying to flag down a taxi while Nicola is gazing up at Josh through her heavily mascaraed lashes. He’s grinning down at her with his hands in his pockets. The sight does nothing to quell my nausea, but I’ve had just about enough. If he wants to screw her, so be it. I don’t know Tina, but I’ll be disappointed in Josh if he lets her down.
A six-seater taxi pulls up and we all climb in. Richard and I get in the very back and sit apart from each other, staring out of the window at the city lights flashing past. Nicola has squeezed herself between Mel and Josh. The last place I feel like going right now is a club. I know Richard feels the same. I glance across at my boyfriend and have a sudden impulse to take his hand. But I don’t.
We wind our way through the streets and pull up outside the venue in Kings Cross. Josh helps Nicola out of the taxi. I give Mel a rueful look as we walk up the steps to greet the bouncers.
‘This is turning out to be couples central,’ she murmurs. ‘I’m starting to wish my horny banker could have come along.’
‘Does your horny banker do clubs?’ I ask.
‘No, probably not,’ she admits.
‘Then let’s go and dance our asses off while we can,’ I say, full of determination. I drag her through the crowds towards the dance-floor as the beat of the drums reverberates through our bodies. It’s not long before a couple of drunken idiots start gyrating against us. I grab Mel and move away so we can dance without interruption.
I hate clubs. Full of pricks.
Get out of my head, Ben.
A short while later, Nicola joins us. Soon afterwards, Josh does too.
‘Where’s Richard?’ I shout into Josh’s ear.
‘At the bar. Didn’t want to dance!’ he shouts back.
No, he hates dancing. Out of the blue I’m wracked with guilt. I’ve been horrible to him! I excuse myself and go to find him. He’s nursing a rum and coke and is people-watching. I sidle up to him and he looks down at me, a blank expression on his face.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say seriously. He nods and looks away. ‘Please look at me.’
He tears his eyes away from a group of clubbers outrageously dressed in neon colours and meets my gaze.
‘I really am.’
‘It’s okay,’ he says quietly, his face softening. He pushes a strand of hair away from my face. ‘You know, your dad and Lorraine have been married to each other for almost twenty years and their marriage works.’ I nod. ‘It’s nothing to be scared of, Lily.’
I nod again as he leans behind himself to place his drink down on a ledge. He turns back and puts his hands on my waist, pulling me between his legs.
‘I love you,’ he tells me, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
‘I love you, too.’ I offer him a weak smile and he dips his face to touch his lips to mine. Our kiss turns into a full-on snog.
‘Right, that’s it. I’m off.’
We break away to see a disgruntled Mel standing there. ‘I’ve had enough of feeling left out with you randy lot!’
I laugh and give her a hug, but we all decide to call it a night soon after that.
Chapter 18
‘So did she manage to get her talons into you?’ I ask Josh the next morning. Well, closer to afternoon, really. Some things never change.
‘Who? Nicola?’
‘Yes.’ I give him a look.
‘Fuck off,’ he snorts as he chews on a mouthful of Easter egg. ‘I wouldn’t do that to Tina.’
‘You looked pretty cosy there in the back of the taxi,’ I say ominously. ‘Are you sure she didn’t slip you her tongue on the way out?’
‘She didn’t even slip me her phone number,’ he says.
‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Well, I am surprised. I’m sure she’ll ask me for yours when we get back to work on Tuesday.’
‘You’d better not give it to her.’ He winks at me. ‘Tina knows I’m a flirt, but she wouldn’t take kindly to a girl actually calling me.’
I smile at him, full of relief. ‘So what do you want to do today?’
‘Suggestions?’
‘We could go for an Easter barbecue at Richard’s friends’ house. Or we could go sightseeing, body boarding, check out a museum or aquarium or the zoo or something like that?’
‘Would Richard be offended if we didn’t go for lunch?’
‘Of course not. You’ve hardly got any time here – he’ll know you want to make the most of it.’
‘I wouldn’t mind going for a walk around the Rocks, play tourist for a day.’
‘We can do that.’
In the end, Richard decides to drop in at Sam and Molly’s and leave us to it, and I encourage him. We’ve got in some champagne and a lobster for tonight so we’ll still spend some of Easter Sunday together. As I rarely get to see Josh, it’s nice to be able to have quality time alone with him.
We walk down the hill into Manly and hop onto a green and cream ferry to the south side of the harbour. It’s a clear, sunny day, but there’s still a hefty breeze whipping my hair around my face.
‘It really suits you like that.’ Josh nods at my haircut.
‘I had it done years ago!’ I exclaim.
‘I know,’ he says. ‘But I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud.’
‘Well, thanks.’
‘You’re quite a babe these days.’
‘Josh!’
He shrugs. ‘You are.’
‘Now you’re winding me up.’
He laughs. ‘I’m not.’
It’s funny how we can be like this with each other, but there’s absolutely no attraction there whatsoever. I love it. It’s comfortable. I notice a couple of girls staring at us enviously and instinctively want to mouth, ‘I’m not with him!’ but manage to restrain myself.
The sailboats are out in force again and the sun is hitting the waves with the same spark of light that made me first wish I had my camera back. On impulse I get out my clunky old contraption and aim it at a sailboat which is about to criss-cross with another. I click off a shot, but don’t think it quite works.
‘I recognise that camera,’ Josh interrupts before I can line up another shot. ‘You used to take loads of photos when you first moved to Australia, didn’t you? Then you stopped. That dawned on me one day when you were at school, but I never remembered to ask you why.’
I pause for a moment and stare down at the object in my hands. ‘I guess I got caught up with my new friends and forgot about my hobbies.’ I put the camera away, feeling too self-conscious to continue now. ‘Hey, do you ever bump into Tammy down the pub?’
‘Now and again.’
‘How’s Shane?’
Josh grins. ‘He’s pretty good. I’ll tell him you asked after him. His spirits will soar and then I’ll reveal you’re getting married and they’ll crash and burn.’
‘Meanie.’ I slap him on his arm, good-naturedly. ‘Has he got a girlfriend now?’
‘No. Still pining for you,’ he says sadly.
‘Stop it! Shane never fancied me, really.’
‘Yes, he did,’ Josh says firmly. ‘But then you became friends with his little sis and Tammy would have threatened to smash up all his computer games rather than see any friend of hers hook up with her brother.’
I laugh. ‘She was a bit like that, wasn’t she?’
‘Demented,’ Josh says fondly. He always did like Tammy. Not in that way, but she was feisty and never took any rubbish from him. I dare say he respected that.
‘Do you think I’m crazy to get married?’ I suddenly find myself asking him.
‘Er, no – not if Richard’s the right guy for you.’
‘Do you think he’s right for me?’
He laughs. ‘What a question! I hardly know him, but you both seem pretty happy.’
‘We are,’ I murmur
. ‘Most of the time.’
‘What was going on with you two last night?’ he asks. It would have been impossible to miss the fact that we were having a row.
I sigh. ‘Oh, he was annoyed with me for not telling my colleagues about our impending nuptials.’ I say the last bit in a comedy fashion to make it sound less scary. It doesn’t work.
‘He’s got a point,’ Josh says thoughtfully. ‘Why hadn’t you told them? Most people wouldn’t be able to keep something like that to themselves.’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t want them to make a fuss.’ Even to me I sound unconvincing. ‘Are your dad and Janine happy?’
‘Yeah.’
‘That’s good to hear.’
‘You know, just because things haven’t worked out for your mum, doesn’t mean they won’t work out for you,’ he says directly.
I grin at him. ‘That’s very perceptive of you, Joshua. Richard says the exact same thing.’
‘Oh well, if he’s like me, why wouldn’t you want to marry him?’
We laugh and turn away from each other, but I’m thinking that he’s wrong. And Richard is wrong, too. It’s not the concept of marriage that frightens me. It’s Ben. It’s always been Ben. I told myself I’d lost him when he left, but deep down, I don’t know if I did. What if I met him again? What if his marriage didn’t work out? What would I do then? That’s why I can’t get married. I can’t take that risk. Should I try to find him again?
Lily, what the hell are you thinking? This is crazy talk. Ben is gone. Richard is your here and now, and he’s a good here and now. No, better than that, he’s a great here and now. Of course you have the odd little argument, but so does everyone. I can’t believe you’re even contemplating finding Ben.
I swivel to face Josh and open my mouth to speak, but quickly close it again.
‘What?’ he asks.
Too late. Can’t stop the words from coming out. ‘Does Michael ever hear from Ben?’
‘Ben who?’
‘Ben Whiting. You know – Ben who used to work at the conservation park.’
‘Oh, him.’ Recognition lights up Josh’s face and my heart jumps. ‘No,’ he replies, making it wither again. ‘Not that I know of. I didn’t think you knew him that well.’