by Paris Hansen
Savannah closed her eyes, laying her head back against the pillows that had been piled up behind her. Finley had said that Gabriel blamed himself for what happened, but if he blamed himself, he had to blame her too. She should have trusted him, no matter what things looked like. He should have listened to her when she told him that she didn’t trust Valerie. But neither of them could have foreseen what Valerie was capable of or what she’d do. They would both need to get over their guilt and realize that Valerie was to blame for everything that happened. It was her manipulation that pushed them apart and it was her behind the wheel of the car that had stolen the miracle they created.
No matter who was to blame, Savannah couldn’t help but worry that Gabriel would think less of her for losing the baby. Not to mention the damage that was done to her uterus during both the accident and the surgery. There was a chance that she’d have difficulty getting and staying pregnant, something that the doctor hadn’t told her family. She was damaged goods now, who would want to be with someone who might not be able to have children? Gabriel wanted kids, at least two if what he had told her a few months earlier still held. There was no guarantee now that she could even give him one without more heartbreak. The doctor said miscarriages were a stronger possibility now, but not a certainty and that it could happen at any time during the pregnancy. There was always a chance that she’d have no problems at all in the future, but who would want to take that kind of chance with her knowing that at any time their hearts could be broken again and again? Gabriel didn’t deserve that, not after everything and everyone he had already lost.
The tears she’d tried to hold back before seeped through her lashes and rolled down her cheeks. With her eyes closed she pictured Gabriel with the children that he always wanted, one boy and one girl that looked exactly like their daddy. She couldn’t deny him that opportunity, no matter how badly she wanted to be with him. The man would be an amazing father and husband and it broke her that she likely wouldn’t be the one to give him that. He wouldn’t choose her once he found out just how damaged she was.
“Savannah.”
Just the sound of his voice made her heart skip a beat and her stomach clench in anxious worry. She didn’t want to tell him yet. Instead she wanted him to wrap her in his arms and hold her for a while so she could have that memory be the last of them together. She didn’t want all of the bad things that had happened over the last few weeks be what she remembered about him and their relationship. But she knew she couldn’t wait. He would hate her more if she waited to tell him, if she tried to hold on to him knowing that she was flawed.
She opened her eyes, immediately seeking him out. Gabriel stood at the end of her bed. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were red and swollen, his cheeks stained by tears. Savannah had never seen him look so horribly sad. Not even after Hank Meadows died or when he talked about his brother. This had broken him in a completely different way than it had her, but she wasn’t sure he could be put back together any more than she could.
“Gabriel,” her voice sounded hoarse as she said his name.
“God, baby…” he said, dropping into a chair next to her. He reached out to take her hand, holding it gently, like he was afraid she was going to break. He stroked his thumb back and forth against her palm. Tears started to fall from his eyes and it nearly ripped her in two. She closed her eyes, trying to keep herself from crying any more than she already had. Crying wasn’t going to help her get through telling Gabriel what she needed to tell him.
“I’m so sorry Savannah. I’m so sorry all of this happened. I should have listened to you about Valerie, but I had no idea she would pull any of this. The stunt at my house this morning, I had no idea what you had seen until Finley came to my office. I swear I never touched her, even though she tried to get me too. God, I wish I had let Finley kick her ass this afternoon,” Gabriel said.
“I should have trusted you. Hell, deep down I knew you hadn’t done anything, but seeing her there, naked in the bed that we shared. It made me sick…literally by the way. I’m sorry about your bushes.”
“Who cares about that, I should have come after you when I found out you’d been at the house. Even if the version of the story I got sounded like you were breaking up with me. I knew I should have gotten it all straight from your mouth, but I was so hurt and blind. And now my stupidity has cost you so much. I don’t think I can ever make this up to you.”
Savannah sighed as she looked into Gabriel’s eyes. “It cost US so much. I’m not the only one here who lost something, Gabriel.”
“I know, but how can I think of my loss when I did this? How can you ever forgive me for causing you so much pain?”
“I’ve never blamed you Gabriel. Not really. If anything we’re both to blame here and I’ve already forgiven you.”
“I don’t want to lose you Savannah. You’re everything to me.”
“God…I don’t want to lose you either, but there’s something I need to tell you and that might change everything.”
Taking a deep breath, Savannah told him everything about her diagnosis. She could barely look at him as she broke it down for him, the odds, the possibilities, the huge potential for heartbreak over and over. After she was done, they sat in silence, both of them processing what the other had said. It was obvious that Gabriel’s guilt over what happened was eating him up inside. He wasn’t going to take her word that she didn’t blame him so easily. But she really couldn’t blame him. She was feeling the same way about her new situation. While it wasn’t her fault she was damaged, she still couldn’t help but feel guilty about it.
“I don’t care about any of that Savannah. There are other ways to have children if you don’t want to take the risk. All that matters to me is you.”
Her breath caught, unable to believe what he was saying was true. How could he get passed what she’d told him so easily? Most people would consider her situation a deal breaker. Sure there were other ways to have kids, but that wasn’t the point. Her ability to carry their children was no longer a guarantee. How could he not care about that, unless his remorse over the situation was making him amenable to whatever she told him? And if that was the case their entire relationship going forward would be built on an unsteady foundation of guilt and tragedy.
“How can I know that you mean that, Gabriel? I don’t want to lose you, but how can I know that you truly aren’t upset by the fact that I may not be able to carry our potential children? How can I know that you aren’t just letting your perceived culpability cloud your judgment?”
“God, Savannah…I don’t see it that way. I love you. It doesn’t matter to me if you can have kids or there might be miscarriages or any of that. All I care about is you,” Gabriel tried to assure her. “But while we’re digging into things, you say you don’t blame me for this, but you should at least think about it. I did this to us and I want you to think about that now so that you can let it sink in. I don’t want to lose you, but I would rather lose you now then weeks, months, even years from now when you realize I’m to blame for your condition. I don’t want you to resent me, but better now than later once we’ve invested so much more time into each other.”
“No…fine,” she relented when Gabriel threatened to interrupt. “I will only think about you being to blame if you really think about me being damaged goods. Sure there’s adoption or surrogates or trying to see if a baby will stick, but do you really want to go through all of that when you could find someone else who wouldn’t have those problems? Love isn’t always enough Gabriel and I don’t want you to resent me either when we’re tired of trying and tired of looking into our options; when it takes months, even years to get cleared to adopt a baby or to find someone willing to carry our child for us since I might not be able to.”
Silence filled the room again as they both considered what the other had said. Savannah’s heart was breaking. She didn’t want to let him out of that room without assuring her that they were together forever, but it was obvious tha
t they both had issues they needed to work on and things they needed to think about before committing to a future together. It had never occurred to her to blame him for what happened to her, all the way down to her now unstable uterus. And it had obviously never occurred to him that other alternatives wouldn’t be any easier than the possibility of her getting pregnant and something bad happening.
“We need time, I guess. We both have things to think about and things to work out, but I’m not done with you Savannah. I want to be with you; to give you the engagement ring I bought for you before Valerie came tearing into our lives. I’m gonna leave everything in your hands. Take all the time you need, but when you’ve made a decision about us, please come to me no matter what you choose. Until then, I’ll leave you alone. I want you to know though, that I will honestly think about what you’ve said even though I know it won’t make a single difference in how I feel about you.”
Without another word, Gabriel stood up. He leaned over the bed, gently kissing her forehead before swiping his thumb along her left cheek to catch an errant tear. She wanted to reach out for him, tell him that she didn’t need to think about anything, but instead she watched as he walked out of the room. When she could no longer see him, she broke down, sobs wracking her battered body. Nothing could hurt as badly as her heart did in that moment, so she let the crying take over until she cried herself to sleep.
***********************
“You’re 100% sure that this is what you want to do?” Finley asked her voice filled with her usual skepticism.
“I don’t care about any of the crap that’s happened in the last month. All I care about is Gabriel and being with him for the rest of my life. I need to figure out a way to tell him that and make him realize that I mean what I say.”
Savannah sighed, looking around at the women that filled the back room of Delectable Delights. She had been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks and was slowly getting back to her old self. In the last few days, she’d been going into work, but was still taking it easy because Brooklyn wouldn’t let her work too hard. With stuff at Delectable Delights working out, the only thing left to get her life on track was to get Gabriel back. She hadn’t seen him or heard from him since he left her at the hospital and she knew that he was waiting for her to come to him. If it had been up to her, she would have called him the day after their talk to tell him that he was all she wanted, but she knew he wouldn’t listen to her. He wanted her to really think about her feelings and what happened between them.
“You could always go all romantic on him and do something that is straight out of a movie or book,” Sylvia suggested.
“Ooooh, you could totally pull a Lloyd Dobler at the restaurant. That would definitely get his attention.”
Savannah laughed at the excitement in Meghan’s voice as she threw out her recommendation. When Sylvia asked who Lloyd Dobler was, the entire room erupted in laughter. It had been too long since Savannah had been able to laugh and enjoy time with her friends. For this first week following the accident, they had all been very cautious around her. They didn’t want to bring up anything that would hurt her either emotionally or physically. She really couldn’t blame them for walking on eggshells around her, but she was glad that sentiment seemed to have passed. She needed her friends to treat her like usual so she could finally start feeling normal again.
“How about serenading him at the restaurant? That always seems to work,” Sylvia suggested.
“Yeah, except, I cannot sing at all. Not even a little bit. I think that would end up scaring him away.”
“You could fill his house with cupcakes and scones and every other pastry that you sell here. That’s a hell of a lot better than flowers or balloons,” Kerrigan said, throwing out her own grand gesture suggestion.
“Place an ad in the newspaper telling him how you feel and that you’ll be standing in a certain place at a certain time waiting for him to come kiss you.”
“I think you guys might watch too many romantic comedies. I need to do something that represents us. The date he planned for me for our first official date was ridiculously romantic. I need to match that, but in a grand gesture kind of way.”
“You could always try sky writing or something,” Finley said.
“Or you could just go tell him how you feel and not take no for an answer,” Brooklyn finally put in. “I talked to him the other day Sav. He’s miserable, but making due. I don’t think you need the grand gesture or the over the top romantic ideas. You just need to tell him what’s in your heart. That’s all that matters.”
“Brooklyn’s right. I’ve never seen him so sad, yet he’s functioning, which is more than I can say for his previous breakdowns. I think he’s trying to be a better man for you, whether you take him back or not. It’s really inspiring. I don’t think you really need to do anything to get him back, just tell him how you feel.”
Savannah let Meghan’s words sink in. It was great to know that he wasn’t sitting somewhere wallowing in his grief, but at the same time, she wished he wasn’t so damn stubborn. Instead of spending the last two weeks sad, they could have spent them together, wrapped up in each other, leaning on each other. Ultimately, she understood what he was asking of her and she knew they both needed the time, but she hated it; hated that they weren’t together and that she was now sitting here trying to figure out how to make him realize that they should be.
“I know you’re worried Sav, but Gabriel loves you. Just go talk to him,” Brooklyn said as she stood up. “I gotta get back out front since my boss is a slave driver. You ladies please keep her from doing too much back here. She needs to rest more than anything else. And if she’s not going to rest, she needs to get her ass out of here so she can get her man back.”
Savannah smiled as her sister headed through the swinging doors that led to the front of the store. Brooklyn had been her savior during the time she was out of work after the accident. If she hadn’t been around, Delectable Delights probably would have died a slow horrible death. There was no one else around that she trusted to oversee all of the locations. Brooklyn had even been able to keep up with the opening, which was still completely on schedule.
Her sister had also been a huge help in getting her to feel better too. For the first week after leaving the hospital, Savannah was instructed to stay in bed as much as possible. Brooklyn stayed with her during that week so someone was there to help her. With the broken ribs it was difficult for Savannah to move without pain and she couldn’t lift anything over five pounds. While she was still limited physically, the pain was starting to subside and her doctor had given her the all clear to start easing her way back into her everyday routine. It had never been easy for Savannah to lean on other people, but she had learned really quickly throughout her ordeal that she had a really great support system in her family and friends.
The bell over the front door chimed, alerting them that someone had entered the store. The place had been pretty busy since Savannah’d come in that morning, but she had spent all of her time in the kitchen, mixing and baking and resting. Since being back at work, she hadn’t worked the front of the store, but she was eager to eventually work her way back up to it. She missed chatting with her customers, encouraging them to try new things and watching the children’s faces light up when their parents bought them their favorite flavor cupcake or pastry.
“Hey Brook, is Savannah here?”
The familiar voice at the front counter nearly made Savannah’s heart stop. It had been weeks since she’d heard it in person, but it had been prominent in her dreams. She could barely keep from jumping up and running out to see him. Instead, she waited to see what he was doing there. She knew Brooklyn would tell him she wasn’t available. Her sister was protective, not to mention nosey. There was no way she’d let Gabriel know she was around until she figured out what he wanted. Despite her assurances that he was ready to reconcile and that he loved her, Brooklyn always favored caution over anything else, especially love.
“She’s at one of the other locations today, but I can let her know you stopped by.”
“Could you give her a message for me? I know I put the decision on her and told her I would wait until she came around, but she needs to know I’m tired of waiting. I’m going to fight for her no matter what she decides. I’m not going to just let her go. I’ve got a ring with her name on it and I plan on putting it on her finger soon.”
Silence filled the front of the store and the back where Savannah sat with her hand over her mouth. Gabriel wasn’t going to let her go. He was going to fight for her and she was going to fight for him. They were finally on the same page, ready for the separation and sadness to end. Before she could get up to go see him, the bell over the door chimed again and Brooklyn was pushing through the kitchen doors.
“I hope you heard that.”
“Every. Single. Word. I need to go after him.”
“You’ll have to wait. He’s headed to the will reading for Hank which is going to take a while. He was all dressed up in a nicely tailored suit looking really fine sis. I think we need to get you back to your place so you can clean up and meet him after the reading. I have a feeling I know exactly where he’ll be heading afterward.”
To hell with grand gestures or romantic overtures; it was clear she no longer needed any of that. Gabriel wanted her as badly as she wanted him. She just needed to tell him. Her future, the one she had dreamed about since the trouble with Valerie started, was finally back within her grasp. Part of her wanted to rush out and find him, will reading or no, but she knew he needed the closure and she definitely needed to wash the flour out of her hair.