by Martyn Ford
We arrived at the police station and all walked across the car park. Amy, a seventeen-year-old girl in a white summery dress, scarf and denim jacket, Brian, in a smart shirt and grey trousers, Silent Cameraman in a black jumper, and me, in a twenty-five-stone silverback gorilla. It was at that moment I realised I was naked. Usually it didn’t bother me when I was an animal – all animals are naked after all – but this was the longest I had ever been something other than myself. I felt oddly self-conscious as we entered the building. As soon as we got inside, I grabbed two magazines from the waiting-room table and used them to cover up. I held one at my front and one at my back.
Amy dinged the bell on the reception desk. A woman appeared.
‘Good evening, what can I do for— AARRRGHH!’ she screamed. ‘You can’t bring a gorilla in here.’
‘Well, with all due respect,’ Amy said, ‘clearly we can. Look. There he is.’
The woman seemed alarmed. However, once she saw that I was standing peacefully in my makeshift magazine skirt, she calmed down.
‘We need to speak to Detective Pepper,’ Amy said, presenting the card.
The receptionist eventually agreed to let us through – which was actually pretty unprofessional of her if you think about it.
‘Thaungghhhks,’ I grunted, giving her a nod.
She was white with fear. Was I really that frightening? Oh, it was too tempting. After she opened the door for us, she stepped quickly behind her desk and, as I waddled past, I turned to her and smiled. Then, when she half-smiled back, I tried to say ‘boo’. But I misjudged it, so I just roared, ‘BAAAAAAAAAUUURGH!!’ in her face. It was loud enough for her to scream, fall backwards over her swivel chair and then faint. Even Brian and Amy leapt away in shock.
‘So-reugh,’ I said.
We arrived at Detective Pepper’s office. Amy knocked and a voice said, ‘Yeah, and wot?’
Inside, we saw a middle-aged man with black hair and a bit of a beer belly reading a newspaper. He was wearing a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt covered in pineapples, and a thick leather jacket. He also had one of those leather gun-holster strappy things – you know the kind that go over your shoulders. This was weird, because police in England don’t even have guns.
‘Evenin’,’ Detective Pepper said in a strange voice. I think it was like an East London accent, sort of cockney maybe? I don’t know, but it sounded like he was trying to sound cooler than he actually was. ‘And what can I do for you lot?’ He looked over his newspaper at me, frowned, then nodded. ‘Dat, dat right there – dat is one of the best costumes I’ve ever seen. If not the best. I fink the eyes, the mask, that’s what sells it.’
Brian and Silent Cameraman also entered.
Detective Pepper lifted an eyebrow – he seemed to change when he spotted the camera. His belly shrunk and his chest puffed out as he sucked himself in to look better. ‘What’s all this then, eh? Filming somethin’?’
‘We were wondering if you’d be able to help us,’ Amy said. ‘Someone has kidnapped my brother.’
I handed him the note I’d written in the minibus.
‘Even them fingers look real,’ he said, taking the piece of paper. He turned back to Amy. ‘How can you be so sure?’
‘What?’ she said.
‘Kidnap means someone done it, yeah? How you know he ain’t just ’opped a fence and legged it, eh?’
‘Because he’s … His mind is here, in this gorilla – it’s his body which is gone. And it would be in a sort of trance, so it wouldn’t be able to run away.’
‘Rehd gaah nohte,’ I grunted, pointing.
‘Hang about, this fancy-dress nonsense – this your brother? The one who’s missin’? Nah, nah, nah,’ Detective Pepper said, waving his hand. ‘Not for me. I know a wind-up when I see it – you’re havin’ a giggle. Can’t prank Pepper.’
‘Just Google Amy and Chester,’ she said, glancing at the camera and rolling her eyes.
Suddenly alert, Detective Pepper sat up, slamming his newspaper on his desk. ‘Oi oi, nah, nah, naaaaah, easy, you’re Amy Parsons?’
‘Yes.’
‘So … monkey chops ’ere is the wheaty puff kid?’
I groaned.
‘That’s right.’
‘I fought that show was all fake?’ he said. ‘Like, tricks and that?’
‘Nope,’ Amy said. ‘All real.’
‘Well fry my socks and sell me a pound-a-strawberries. Ya-know-what-I-mean?’
‘Not really.’
‘Sounds like trouble. I’m not interested in the case. You’ll have to find someone else.’
I was frowning a lot now – why was no one taking this seriously?
‘Oh my, that’s a terrible shame,’ Brian said. ‘You’d have been a real hit on the show.’
Again, this caught his attention. ‘Wait, wait, wait, I’d be on the show? Me? Like, proper like?’
‘Well, of course,’ Brian said. ‘And you’ll be a hero if you find him.’
Out of everyone, Brian seemed the most concerned about my well-being. At first I thought he was being kind – but then I realised it was also a matter of money. He needed me to be OK. I was, after all, the star of the show. If anything happened to Chester Parsons, his career was over. He wanted to find me, and soon. This was comforting. I knew he would do anything to get me back safely.
‘Please,’ Brian whispered. ‘You have to find him.’
‘Awwww, maybe I was being too hasty. Bit tired. I was on the sauce last night drinkin’ moon juice with ol’ Stanley Baxter from the docks.’ This was something Detective Pepper did a lot – I think, like me, his mind wandered. Except he said it all out loud. ‘He’s a good boy. Gave me this shirt. Ya like it?’
I grunted. Impatient gorillas get things moving.
Finally, he read my note.
‘Ancient order of mind jumpers?’ Detective Pepper said. ‘What do we know about ’em? Shady organisation I bet. How’s this for a plan, eh? We get in the motor, we cruise over to Dr Vladovski’s place, grab him by his collar, say, “Oi, Vladovski, tell us what you know. Tell us right naaah.” Maybe we go to the drive-through. Maybe we buy some vanilla milkshakes. Who’s with me?’
*
We arrived at forty-three Sandy Street half an hour later. Silent Cameraman got some shots of the building, then we all entered together. On the way we had stopped off and bought me a pair of XXXL shorts, on account of my nudity, so I could finally ditch the magazines.
When we came into the reception area, Detective Pepper stepped forwards first. ‘Right, listen here, love,’ he said to the receptionist, slamming his milkshake on the desk. ‘Dr Vladovski, where is he?’
She frowned. ‘Dr Vladovski?’
‘Yeah, Niko Vladovski. Russian. Bear-charmer. Therapist. Mad geezer. Bald. Beard. Come on. Don’t give us ya frowny face – where is he?’
‘Dr Vladovski used to work here,’ she whispered. ‘But he died almost thirty years ago …’
I let out a deep gasp of shock. What the hell was going on? Had I been hypnotised by a ghost? What was happening, what the—
‘Only joking,’ she said. ‘But he did leave. I just came in one day and his office was empty. Everything gone.’
‘Any idea where he went?’ Amy asked.
‘He didn’t say. It was as though he had some very important business to attend to … Sorry, is that a gorilla?’ No one answered.
‘So guys,’ Loser Amy said into the camera. ‘Just to bring you up to speed, it seems like—’
Detective Pepper barged in front of her. ‘Right, listen to this,’ he said, pointing at the camera, leaning into it. ‘Bloke’s got a wonky name, hook for a hand. Chester says he’s a diamond but nah, nah, nah. Sounds more like a prime suspect if you ask me. Pull ya socks up, sailors – this case is about to get naughty.’
And then, without another word, he kicked the door open and strutted out of the room.
‘Quite strange, isn’t he?’ Amy said. We all nodded.
We had a
break from filming so Amy and I were able to go home. It was here we came across the first major clue of the investigation. First Major Clue Alarm – ding, ding, ding. Wait. No. No alarms for clues – that kills the suspense. Damn. Forget about the clue. Just … la, la, la – hey, remember when I was auditioning to be a potato? Great day.
Anyway.
So there I was, or rather, there I wasn’t, up in Amy’s bedroom. She put a towel down on her bed and I perched on the mattress, the springs groaning under my weight.
‘Just, don’t … don’t touch anything,’ she said.
It had been a fair while since I lost my body and I was still trying to mind jump out of this gorilla. I could control the anger, but the urge to eat everything and leap about the place, maybe flip over the odd table and beat my chest and throw poo, was becoming hard to resist. Vladovski was right. Being out of yourself too long wasn’t good for you. Felt like I was getting ill. Like maybe I hadn’t eaten enough or couldn’t breathe properly or something. It’s quite hard to explain.
Not sure how I felt about Dr Vladovski. He seemed so cool. He taught me some great stuff – but why would he leave without telling anyone? What important business did he have? What if … what if he wasn’t who he said he was? Maybe he was part of this ancient order? Maybe that’s why he warned me – he wanted to keep it a secret?
I couldn’t be sure. We left a message on his mobile explaining that my body was missing and that he really should return the call. But no response.
Instead of worrying, I decided to focus all my efforts on escaping this hairy primate prison. Just Amy was sitting opposite me, at the other end of the bed with her laptop. She was googling Dr Vladovski over and over again, but I was staring deep, deep into her eyes.
Come on, you can do it. Just jump. Dive. Swim into Amy’s brain. Come on. Come on …
‘Hey, Chester, you should read this – it says—’
Zip-whoosh.
I flinched and looked down at myself. Yes. Excellent. YES. I was in Amy’s mind.
‘It worked,’ I said, in her voice. ‘Oh, that feels better.’
Unlike last time, she realised straight away what I’d done.
‘Chester,’ she shouted. ‘Chester, get out.’
Amy leapt to her feet and stomped to her mirror. I could see that she was annoyed – she had previously banned me from ever going in her head, which I suppose is fair enough. But this was an emergency. She stared directly into her own eyes.
‘Seriously, I told you never to do this again.’
‘Amy, relax,’ I (she) said. ‘This is good news. I can actually still do it.’
If anyone had seen us, it would have looked like she was simply standing in front of her mirror having an argument with herself.
‘I don’t care. I don’t want you in here. Plus, look.’ We turned to Tito. ‘That’s just a silverback gorilla now. What’s he going to do?’
‘Yeah, that’s a fair point.’
However, Tito seemed relaxed on the bed, pouting and frowning, scratching his stomach.
‘He is big, isn’t he?’
Tito sniffed and took deep breaths, his huge chest bulging. Then he tapped Amy’s bamboo wind chimes dangling near the window. The noise seemed to upset him. Grunting, he yanked them – the string snapped and then, as though he was curious, he started biting the wood.
‘Hey!’
Tito glanced at Amy and sighed, throwing the broken wind chimes over his shoulder.
‘Chester – this is dangerous.’
I turned Amy back to the mirror. ‘Listen, maybe this means something. Maybe my body is … I dunno … asleep somewhere? Maybe the people who moved it unsettled me? But now it’s relaxed again? That’s why I’ve got the ability back?’
‘Fine, good, you can mind jump again. Now get back in your gorilla.’
‘Your brain is so weird,’ I said, thinking. ‘Everything is so … Yeah … You see the world in a strange way.’
‘Stop it.’
‘So many unusual thoughts in here. Ooh, memories … Any good secrets I wonder?’
Amy rolled her eyes back, as though she could somehow find me that way. ‘Seriously, no.’ She hit the side of her head. It hurt us both, but I carried on. I knew this wasn’t a nice thing to do but that little voice had returned – go on, why not, it’ll be funny. Besides, sometimes she was mean to me …
And then I found something important, something crucial.
‘Whoa … the stickman with three eyes,’ I said. ‘You’ve seen that symbol before? You can remember it. Wait. Wait. Where? Think, Amy, think where have you seen that image?’
‘I can’t remember – I can’t think clearly with you in here.’
‘Hang on … I’m feeling … What is this? Shame,’ I said. ‘There are secrets in here … Don’t think about … don’t think about …’
I browsed through Amy’s memories. Some of it was gross – like how she felt about this guy at college. It seemed as though the things she was trying not to think about were the very thoughts that kept leaping into her mind.
‘Who’s Zack?’ I said in a funny voice. As it was coming out of Amy’s mouth it sounded especially high-pitched. ‘Zack. Zack … What a terrible name. Aw … this is horrible. I think you’re the one who needs therapy, Amy. And now you’re talking to yourself as well?’
‘Chester, please, stop looking in there.’
‘Something … something you’re trying not to think … something about … a lock? Or … or a gate? Gate. Gate? Is there—’
‘No.’ She scrunched up her face and squeezed her head. But it was too late. I had seen it.
‘Amy … it was you?’ I said. ‘You left the side gate open?’
‘Chester, I’m sorry.’
‘Dandelion is dead because of YOU?’ I yelled. ‘You had me believing it was my fault. You’ve probably done me actual psychological harm. Gah. All this time. This is … You … Right … I’m going to mess you up.’
I was furious, even without those gorilla hormones. For years, years, I had blamed myself. I looked into the mirror again – into my sister’s evil eyes. She was pulling a doubly angry face – she was angry that I was in her mind, I was angry that she was a liar, a dog-killing psycho. I wanted to cut her hair, or burn all her things or … or …
I bit her arm.
‘Ouch, damn,’ I said.
This was another thing I had discovered about myself – sometimes, when I get upset, especially with Amy, I feel like doing really crazy stuff. Once I smashed her favourite mug after she flicked me with an elastic band. Usually I can stop and calm down. But this time, it was like I had no control – like a bad part of my personality had taken over.
‘Where’s your phone?’
‘No.’
‘You’ve left me no choice,’ I yelled, as I grabbed her bag and started rifling through it.
Amy’s right hand seemed to be under her command and was tugging at her left hand, which I was using to pull lipstick and headphones and other random junk from her stupid smelly bag.
‘Stop. No.’
‘Yes. Yes, Amy. It’s happening.’
I found her phone, pulled it out, then she threw herself on the floor. But I rolled her over, pinning her right arm down. Her legs were kicking and struggling.
‘Get out of my mind!’
‘I’m sorry, Amy, but you brought this on yourself.’
Scrolling through her contacts list, I noticed that Tito was watching us from the bed. Even a gorilla could see that this was a weird scene. A teenage girl rolling around on the carpet, fighting with herself.
At the bottom of the list, I found what I was after. Zack. Oh, handsome Zack. I pressed the little green icon.
‘Chester, no.’
‘Be quiet, Amy. This is an important call.’
I put the phone on loudspeaker and slid it away from us. It rang twice and then he answered.
‘Zack,’ I groaned, wrestling with Amy’s body – she was arching and shaking li
ke a panicked dolphin on a boat. ‘No! Don’t listen … Listen … I just want to say that I lo— NO.’ She slammed a hand over her mouth, I tugged it away. ‘Grrrahhh. Yes. I wanted to tell you that I love you and want— Stop. Zack, hang up, it’s me, Amy, just hang up the— PLEASE listen to me, Zack. This is important. I want to marry you and have your— BASICALLY, Zack, I’ve been dared to ring you and— UUURGH, NO. NO.’
Amy regained control, scrabbled along the floor and dived for her phone. She grabbed it, but I snatched it from her with her left hand and it went spinning across the room. We turned and saw that Tito had caught the mobile. He sniffed it, then held it to his ear.
‘Amy, what’s going on?’ Zack’s voice asked.
Tito frowned, looked at the phone, and snapped it in half.
‘Tito, no!’ Amy yelled.
‘Good boy, Tito.’
The gorilla roared, jumped off the bed and hit his chest. He seemed suddenly angry. Then, with bold dark eyes, he started marching forwards, his huge black arms swaying in rage. ‘Uh-oh.’
‘Chester, Chester, Chester.’
A blink and a deep gasp and I could see Amy on the floor, holding her hands up. Back in the gorilla, I turned around and sat on the carpet in the corner. I was sad now. I felt sorry for Amy. When I was in her mind, I felt just how guilty she was about the whole gate thing. She cried too when Dandelion died. Also, I could feel how badly she wanted people to like her, particularly Zack. I had definitely done some damage.
Maybe I had gone too far. Nah. Yes. Yes. It was mean. Amy didn’t deserve that. Or maybe she did. No.
‘Sorraarggh,’ I said.
She stood, sniffed and picked up what was left of her mobile. ‘I wanted to tell you, Chester. I walked around town all night looking for her.’
I knew that was true.
Nodding, I got us back on track. I grabbed a pen and paper from her desk, and drew the three-eyed stickman. Then I pointed at it and grunted.
‘I … I have no idea,’ she said. ‘Maybe you mentioned it and I imagined it?’