Finding Our Forever: (A Defining Moments Novel)

by Andee Michelle

  WHEN MY ALARM goes off the next morning, I kick myself for not turning it off last night. I forgot it was still set for my work week. I definitely have no desire to get up at 5:00 a.m. on a day I don’t have to work, especially after the craziness of yesterday and being wide awake until almost 2:00 a.m.

  I turn the alarm off and roll over, praying for just a few more hours of sleep.

  Hours later, when I finally pry myself out of bed, I realize I only have about an hour before I have to leave for my lunch with Eli. Guess I better get to it.

  I shower quickly because I need to spend some time on my hair. It’s in serious need of a trim. I’ve also been considering coloring it for the first time. I’ve always wanted to try another color, but with my pale skin and freckles, I’m not sure how a different color would look.

  Forty-five minutes later, I’m done primping and putting on the clothes I’d picked out and washed last night.

  Before leaving, I text Ramzi.

  Me: Girls’ night in at your place tonight?

  I throw my phone in my purse and scramble around to feed Diesel and let him out before I leave. Just as I reach for my purse to head out, my phone chimes.

  Z: Sorry, girl. Raincheck.

  Now I’m really worried. She never “rainchecks” me. She usually tells me why.

  Me: Why? You have to work?

  Z: Nope. I’m going to pay my dear ole brother a visit.

  My heart drops. She’s never met her half brother. He’d made it completely clear when he found out about her that he wanted nothing to do with her. Why would she go see him? What in the hell is going on?

  Me: Z, why are you going to see that douche canoe? I don’t think that’s a good idea.

  Z: It’s a long story, and I’ll tell you all about it when it’s sorted, which may take a while. Right now, I need to deal with a bunch of shit. I love you, girl, but I need to deal with it alone.

  I’m staring at my phone trying to figure out how to reply when it chimes again.

  Z: Will you take Daisy for me until I get back? I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. Kylie and Nikki are holding down the bar for a few days.

  Me: Absolutely. When are you going to drop her off?

  Z: About an hour?

  Me: I won’t be home. I’m having lunch with, Eli. You have a key, just put her in the house with Diesel.

  She doesn’t respond for a few minutes, so I head out to the car. Must be pretty damn important if she’s asking me to keep Daisy. That dog goes everywhere with her. Just as I put the car in reverse, my phone chimes.

  Z: Be careful. I’ll see you in a few days.

  Be careful? What’s that supposed to mean? Drive safe? Don’t choke on your lunch? She’s being cryptic and it’s irritating the shit out of me. Glancing at the clock, I throw the phone in the cup holder and head toward Chino’s. I’m going to be late if I sit here texting her anymore. When she gets back, she’s going to tell me what the hell is going on whether she has it “sorted” or not.

  The moment I pull onto the street Chino’s is on, I see Eli’s truck and my heart starts beating too fast. As I make my way into the parking lot, I have an internal discussion with myself about the things we should and should not talk about.

  First and foremost, I need to tell him I live here before he finds out from someone else. If he doesn’t tell me to take a hike, then we’ll go from there. My new job is a safe topic. How his semester is going with the new major is safe. His mom. Is she back from Italy yet? How’s his sister? Is Destry adjusting to being home? How is he liking UC? All safe topics.

  As soon as my car is in park, the door is being opened, which startles me, but when my eyes meet the amazing green orbs attached to the face I’ve missed so much, my heart feels as though it might explode.

  No, Sara. Just no. Friends. Just friends having lunch.

  His smile is genuine, and it softens my exterior a little. He’s happy to see me. He reaches toward me and I place my hand in his, allowing him to pull me out of the car. As soon as I’m standing, he engulfs me in a bone-crushing hug. I hear him take a deep breath that sounds as if he’s smelling my hair, which makes me chuckle a little.

  “Did you just sniff my hair, Elijah Harper?” I laugh out. I feel his chest rumble with his laughter before he pulls back and answers honestly, the only way he’s ever answered me.

  “Yes, ma’am. I’d almost forgotten how much I love the coconut smell.” My heart flutters a little bit. In all the time that we spent together, he’d never once mentioned he liked my shampoo or lotion. I love the smell of coconut, so I use a lot of coconut scented products.

  “That almost sounded creepy,” I joke, trying hard not to show him how much his words affect me.

  He fake punches my shoulder as we head toward the front of the building. “It’s totally not creepy,” he returns playfully. “It’s not like you weren’t aware of my addiction to burying my nose in your hair.” And just like that, the awkwardness sets in. The only time I ever noticed him doing that was when we were in bed together, but I didn’t realize it was because he was smelling my hair.

  We meander in and grab a booth near the back, as always. The waitress takes our orders, neither of us needing to look at the menu, and then scurries away not even trying to pretend she’s not checking Eli out. I mean, I get it. He’s off-the-charts hot. She could totally have tried harder to hide it though. Jeez.

  “So, tell me about Arizona.”

  My eyes meet his expectant gaze, and for a split second, I consider lying to him. He looks happy right now, and although I’m really not sure how he’s going to react to the news, my guess is that he isn’t going to be happy about it.

  “I’m sure it’s hot and dry,” I respond, dropping my gaze to the table and dusting my hand across it to knock off imaginary crumbs. The table is clean, and I’m sure he sees that this is a diversion, but I can’t look back up at him when I finish that statement. “I still live here.”

  After a few seconds of silence, I drag my eyes to his and watch the war behind his eyes. Confusion with a smidge of anger plays out.

  “What do you mean you still live here?” he asks, his voice a mixture of hurt and confusion.

  “I decided to stay here and change fields instead of going to PA school.”

  He doesn’t respond for a moment, and I can tell he’s having a hard time deciding if it’s acceptable for him to be mad about this information. His lips are pursed together as though he’s angry, but his eyes tell me a different story. He’s confused about how to react. I mean, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Period. It wasn’t contingent on whether I lived here or not.

  He hadn’t said, “If you were staying here, we could continue with the way things are, but since you’re leaving, I’m not ready for a long-distance relationship.” He’d said he was not ready for a relationship at all.

  Flirty waitress shows back up with our drinks, and I watch as Eli takes a long gulp of his water before finally replying.

  “So, what field did you go into?” he asks, his voice stern, becoming “professional Eli” all of a sudden. He’s mad.

  “Well, actually, I start my new job on Monday. I’ll be working in the Pediatric ICU at Briarwood Children’s Hospital.” I can’t help the huge smile that breaks out across my face. I now understand the happiness he feels when he talks about counseling kids. I feel the same way about this move. I’m not sure if it was the pregnancy scare or my dreams of Samuel that make me want to be in this field, but whatever the reason, my desire for it is so strong it’s indescribable.

  “Sara, that’s amazing!” he marvels. I watch his face soften and he once again looks like my Eli. Wait, no. Not my Eli. Normal Eli. “When did you decide to move into pediatrics?” As soon as the question leaves his lips, he looks down at his hands, as if he’s nervous for my answer.

  “I don’t know actually. I’ve always liked kids, but something just clicked, and I needed a change anyway since I’d already left my job at the hospital. I
’m excited to get started actually. The children’s hospital is amazing,” I reply quickly, trying to ease his worry.

  His eyes return to mine and a small smile plays on his lips. “Well, I’m proud of you. That can’t be an easy field to work in.” I nod because he’s completely right. Seeing sick kids day in and day out will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m up for it.

  “Tell me more about your classes,” I tell him. “What do your parents think of you changing your major to counseling?”

  He takes a deep breath and the wrinkles between his eyes furrow as he frowns. “Well, my dad is pissed. He basically threatened to not allow me to use my trust fund to pay for any of my schooling or rent if I don’t change it back.” His face is starting to turn red and I can tell this must be a recent event because he’s still really pissed about it. “What he doesn’t seem to realize is A: I don’t need his permission as of two weeks from now because I’ll be twenty-one and the trust fund will be turned over to me, and B: I don’t give a shit if he likes it or not. That bastard is lucky I even talk to him. Sometimes I wish I could just cut him completely out of my life, but then I’d lose my sister and I can’t do that.”

  My heart softens a little more at his obvious adoration for his sister. Although I’ve only ever dealt with his dad once, and that was while his mom, Ellie, was in the hospital. I could tell then that he was a slimy asshole.

  Trying to get off the subject of his dad, I continue to ask questions. “Well, what about Ellie? Is she still in Italy? What does she think?” His face softens whenever he talks about his mom.

  “Yeah, she’s still in Italy but should be home in a few weeks. Finally!” he laughs out. “It seems like she’s been gone for so long. Ben, Destry, and I actually just found her a house near us. We’re supposed to go get all her stuff out of storage and get her moved in sometime next week. She’s going to love that damn place. It’s amazing.” I watch as his face lights up when he talks about it. “I haven’t told her about changing my major yet because I wanted to wait and tell her in person.” He pauses for a moment with a look of concentration on his face before he continues. “My mom will be happy for me. She has always told us she just wants us to do something that will make us happy.” He smiles at the memory.

  “Well, I agree with your mom. She’s a smart woman. Having a career that is doing something you love will make your life much happier in the long run.”

  Our lunch arrives and we both start eating immediately. I haven’t been here in a while, and I’ve missed it. The longer we don’t talk, the more time I have to consider how this lunch “friend date” is going to end. Do we hug and say, “See you around” or what?

  I try to keep the conversation going while we eat. “Did you lose a lot of credits when you changed majors?” I ask, genuinely interested in how the change affected his graduation date.

  “Nope. I actually didn’t lose any. I’d taken all my core classes and all of my electives. I hadn’t taken many specialty or upper division classes yet. The ones I did take I was able to roll over. I’m still a junior. I’ll graduate in three semesters.” The happiness in his voice makes my heart happy. He’s finding his way without the influence of his piece of shit dad, and that’s huge for him. When he’d told me he was going to go to law school, I could tell by his reaction to my questions that he didn’t love the idea. He was just stating a fact. There was no passion behind it. I’m more than happy for him that he chose to take the leap and change it.

  “So since you’ve been here and unemployed for the past month, what have you been doing to keep yourself busy?” he asks, trying to not sound irritated, but fails miserably.

  “Eli, why do you sound irritated that I stayed?” I ask him point blank.

  His eyes meet mine and once again his confused reaction surprises me. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I guess if I’d known you were still here that we could’ve made a go at staying friends.” He looks around the restaurant before bringing his eyes back to mine. “But I’m realizing that spending almost a month without talking to each other was probably a good idea.”

  I’m not sure if I should agree with him or be mad. On one hand, he’s right. We probably needed the time away from each other to figure out how to move on. On the other hand, it hurts my feelings that he doesn’t seem to have missed me. He seems happy and content with his life. Although I’m happy about that because I care about him, I’m also a little jealous that he seems to have moved on from the pain of our “breakup” and is happy after less than a month. I still miss him every single second of every single day. Even now, seeing him again, I know I ruined the past three-plus weeks of healing I’d done by just looking into his eyes again.

  He must see the internal war I’m having with myself because he reaches across the table and takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb across the top of my hand. “It’s really good to see you. I’m happy to see that you’re happy, and I hope now that I know you’re still here, we can stay friends. I’ve missed you.”

  I smile at him, but I know it looks forced because of his reaction. I slowly pull my hand away from his before I respond. “It’s good to see you too.”

  I watch the smile slide from his face before he replies, “But you don’t miss me?”

  Looking down at my hands to avoid him seeing the pain I’m sure is written all over my face, I voice my true feelings. “Of course I’ve missed you, Eli. You were one of my best friends. Admitting it won’t help that pain go away, so why talk about it?”

  “Sara—” he starts, but I shake my head.

  “Nope. We’re not doing this.” I sit up straight, look him right in the eyes and continue as though we hadn’t just admitted all of that. “It was great seeing you today, and I can’t even tell you how proud of you I am for following your passion with school.” His eyes don’t stray from mine for a few seconds, and I see a touch of defeat in them.

  “Yeah, it was good to see you too,” he replies, pulling his napkin from his lap and placing it on the table. Lunch is over and it’s time for us to say good-bye. The thought chokes me up a little, but I need to walk away before I get emotional again. I place my napkin on the table and stand also. Eli pays the bill, and without another word, we move toward the parking lot.

  Once we get outside, I stop in front of his truck to tell him good-bye, but he continues toward my car. Always the gentleman. We get to my car and he turns to me, before speaking. “So, it was great to see you. We’ll have to do lunch again sometime.” I smile through the pain and nod my head. Sometime. Not soon. Not next week. Sometime.

  He opens my car door and I scoot into the seat quickly, needing to get away from him as soon as humanly possible. The strength I tried to summon earlier is starting to fail. He lingers for a moment before speaking again. “I guess I’ll see you around?” he questions.

  “Sure. See you around.” He gives me a sad smile before closing my door and watching me pull out and drive away. I’m trying not to crash as I watch him in the rearview mirror. A block away, I can still see him standing in the parking lot, watching my car. He doesn’t move until I lose sight of him.

  And then my wall breaks and I cry the rest of the way home. I knew it would be hard to see him. Knowing that he’s happy and moving on with his life should make me happy, and it mostly does, but it also hurts that he’s doing it without me.

  DAISY AND DIESEL are asleep in the middle of my living room when I get home. Neither of them gets up, which means they’ve spent the entire time playing and are now worn out. Good. Maybe they’ll sleep the rest of the day.

  I walk into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face before changing into my cleaning gear. For the next few hours, I do my weekly cleaning regime. Again. I even deep clean my kitchen, which doesn’t really need it since I did it a few weeks ago and have barely cooked at all, but I need something to occupy my brain.

  By dinner time, I’m exhausted, which is good because I need to sleep tonight. A lot. I order Thai
food for dinner and then jump in the shower to wash the cleaner smell off me before the food gets here. I’m pulling my tank top on when the doorbell goes off. Glancing at the clock, I’m surprised that the food is here already since it’s only been twenty minutes since I ordered it.

  Throwing the door open, wallet in my hand, I’m shocked speechless to see Ben standing in my doorway.

  His face is all hard lines and scowl. He looks past me into the house, and I know he can see Daisy because she’s sitting in the middle of the floor.

  “Where is she?” he asks, sounding completely disgruntle.

  “She’s not here.” I watch his face pinch even more and he’s about to say something, but I cut him off. “Look, Ben, I don’t know what is going on between you two, and it’s not my business. What is my business is that I love Ramzi like she was my own flesh and blood. I know her better than anyone,” I tell him, making him grunt and shake his head no, “and whatever happened between you two completely devastated her. I’ve known her a long time and I’ve never seen her like that. So, no, I won’t be telling you where she went or when she’ll be back or whatever else questions you have.”

  He pushes his hands through his hair, grabbing onto it as if he might rip it out. Throwing his head back, he growls loudly in frustration.

  He looks down at me, and for the first time, I see sadness and pain in his eyes. “Please, Sara. I hurt her so bad. I don’t know how to even begin to fix it, but I have to try.”

  “One thing you should know about Ramzi is that she is stubborn like no other person I’ve ever met. She isn’t going to let you fix it, or even attempt to fix it, unless she wants you to. Give her some time, Ben. She’s hurt and needs time.” I put my hand on his arm and almost flinch at how hard it is. Jesus, he’s big.

  He doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does, I hear the defeat in his voice. “Please tell her I’m really sorry and that I need to talk to her.” With that, he turns and strides down my sidewalk toward his truck just as my food arrives.