“Great. I tried to get a boyfriend so I would be less of a loser, when nobody actually thought I was a loser, but now, because I was totally clueless and insecure, I really am a loser,” Grace said.
“Just because you made a mistake — and it was a doozy, don’t get me wrong — it doesn’t make you a loser. You have to believe that,” Mrs. Evans said.
“But I can’t see my feet anymore, and people make foghorn sounds when I walk down the hall.”
“It’s all just temporary. In not so many weeks, your life will start to get back to normal. Just be patient for a little longer.”
“Each day feels like a year,” Grace sighed.
“Look, you have my permission to hide out until this is over. I agree that your mental health is important, and I’m sure you can handle the workload on your own with no trouble. But I expect to see you back here in April … afterwards.”
“Okay. I really appreciate you backing me up, Mrs. Evans. I promise I’ll work really hard,” Grace answered, although at that moment she couldn’t imagine ever going back.
“You’d better. Those AP exams in May are for real. If you mess those up, you could jeopardize your college acceptances.”
“I know.” Grace stood to leave, and Mrs. Evans came around from behind her desk, arms outstretched. Grace was one of the good ones, and she was sorry to see her go.
“Good luck, Grace. You’re in the home stretch. Just hang on. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will. Bye.”
Although Grace had gone to Mrs. Evans so that she could withdraw from school, now that she had done it, she felt sad and kind of scared. Grace hadn’t discussed it with Helen beforehand, fearing she would talk her out of it, but now that it was done, Grace wondered if she’d taken the coward’s way out. Now she had to go back to the house and break the news to Helen
and Charlie.
“Okay, if that’s what you want to do,” Helen said when Grace told her, clearly surprised, but as usual, not judging or scolding. “They’re going to send your work home?”
“Everything is online, so as long as I have my computer, I can do all the work, and Mrs. Evans said the teachers will send me the tests. Since I’ve always been a good student, I don’t think anyone’s worried about me cheating.”
Charlie was less receptive. “But you look fine, and who cares if a few morons act like a bunch of ten-year-olds? You shouldn’t quit school just because of them.” In truth, Charlie was going to miss driving back and forth with her every day.
“Thank you, but I look like the Goodyear blimp, and it’s more than just a few. Every day feels like a public stoning, and I can’t even focus on what the teachers are saying anymore. What’s the point of going to school just so I can have a nervous breakdown in the cafeteria?”
“Grace is right, Charlie. No matter how sympathetic you are, you can’t possibly imagine what she’s going through. Besides, the decision has been made, and it’s our job to support Grace in whatever she does. That means you can bring home her work from school and help Grace however you can,” Helen instructed. When she put it that way, Charlie realized Grace’s hermit period might not be so bad.
It had been a long day. Dropping out of school had been exhausting. “I think I’m going to turn in early. I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my entire life.”
“You do look like you could use a good night’s sleep, dear. Everything will look brighter in the morning. I promise,” said Helen, opening her arms for a hug. Dr. Needleman always said that nothing was more therapeutic than the touch of another human being, and Grace needed to feel that she was loved, even if it wasn’t the loving embrace of her parents.
“Thank Vera for a delicious dinner. Night, Charlie.” As Grace passed his chair, she briefly rested her hand on his cheek and he tipped his head back, smiling sadly, wishing for the thousandth time that he could do something to take away Grace’s pain.
“Goodnight, Grace. Sleep well.”
He wanted to run upstairs and tuck her in, but he realized that might frighten her. Although he knew he needed to stow his emotions on a high shelf, Charlie was having trouble compartmentalizing. Every time he looked at Grace or heard her voice, he thought of their incredible kiss in the attic. It had been etched in his brain, and no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, the feel of her, the taste of her, flashed through his mind. Knowing he was acting like a girl who couldn’t get over her first kiss, Charlie wondered what it had meant to her. He watched Grace trudge up the stairs, desperate to know if she spent half as much time thinking about him as he spent thinking about her.
When she heard Grace’s bedroom door shut, Helen said, “You like her, don’t you?”
She wasn’t at all sure whether or not she should even broach the subject. How many teenage boys would be willing to discuss their love lives with their old widowed aunts? The last thing she wanted to do was make her cherished nephew uncomfortable.
“Is it that obvious?” Charlie had thought he’d been hiding his emotions pretty well.
“All those longing glances? I can practically see the little hearts floating over your head.”
Thinking back to the early days of her relationship with Abraham, Helen sighed. That feeling was probably the thing she missed most about being young. If her heart started to pound at her age, she would be more likely to think she was having a heart attack than falling in love. But she would give anything to experience that again, even for just a moment.
“Are you mad at me?” If Helen disapproved, Charlie wasn’t sure what he would do. As much as he cared about Grace, it would break his heart to disappoint his aunt.
“Why would I be angry?” Helen asked.
“Well, she’s not Jewish, she’s pregnant, her parents have disowned her — the girl has a few issues.” Although on paper Grace was radioactive, Charlie was transfixed by the real, live girl.
“That she does, but she’s a wonderful person, and I firmly believe that a person should not be judged for any single act, and certainly not for the acts of her parents. Grace is much more than a young girl who’s gotten herself into trouble. Besides, you can’t control what your heart feels, can you?” Helen ruffled Charlie’s hair.
She didn’t have a problem with her nephew falling in love with a semi-homeless, pregnant shiksa, but she wasn’t so sure his parents would be so open-minded. Having seen the worst of human nature during the war, Helen wasn’t one to get bogged down in the minutiae of religious differences and social convention. Life was short, and such prejudices were nothing more than a waste of precious time. But not many people, thank goodness, had witnessed hell on earth, and therefore few people possessed Helen’s clarity. As much as she regretted having gotten caught up in the horrors of the war, her childhood literally up in smoke courtesy of the Nazis, it did have one major benefit: it allowed her to view the world completely without preconception or intolerance.
“I can’t. And it’s not just like; I think I love her.” Charlie hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but if anyone would understand, it was Helen.
“Have you told her that?” Helen asked
“Of course not. I kissed her, though, and I think that scared her, so I’m kind of in a holding pattern until the baby comes.”
“Probably a good idea to take things slow. She has about as much as she can handle right now.”
“Besides, how do I even know I’m really in love with her, or is it just that I think she’s beautiful and I’m caught up in all her drama?” Charlie desperately wanted to sort out his feelings, and as bizarre as it was to be talking about his love life with his eighty-year-old great-aunt, she understood him better than anyone else.
“You’ve never felt like this about a girl before?” Helen was quite enjoying this conversation. That Charlie felt close enough to her to confide his most deeply felt emotions thrilled her beyond measure, and she wanted to offer him the support and guidance he deserved. But as it had been so many years since she’d felt those first
pangs of falling in love — all the confusion and insecurities — she wondered if she had the expertise needed for the job.
“Never. I can’t stop thinking about her.” Images of Grace in yards of white silk and himself in a tuxedo, dancing on his aunt’s terrace, tiny lights shimmering in all the trees, floated through his mind on a nearly daily basis. He knew it was beyond abnormal for a guy to daydream about his wedding day, especially with a pregnant girl he’d only known for six months, but he couldn’t help himself.
Trying to remember how she had felt more than half a century earlier, Helen said, “Well, at your age that could just be hormones. If you’re attracted to her, it could be easy to confuse sex and love.”
When Abe had proposed, exactly fourteen days after they’d met, Helen wondered how he could have fallen in love with her that quickly. At that point she didn’t even know what that kind of love felt like. Perhaps he just wanted to go to bed with her, and in those days nice girls didn’t give it up until their wedding night, which didn’t leave horny, well-bred young men with too many options. Although she soon realized that he loved her body and soul, it wasn’t so clear at the beginning.
Charlie blushed. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. But it wasn’t like he could talk to his guy friends about having the hots for a girl who was having some other guy’s baby. “I’ve been physically attracted to girls before, but this is totally different. It’s not just the way she looks; it’s all of me needing to be with her. I’m already missing her, thinking about her going to a different college.”
“You’ve got it bad, kiddo. But I can’t fault you for falling in love with her. I love her, too — it’s as if she’s the granddaughter I was supposed to have. I guess she’s just our type.” What an adorable couple they would make, and what beautiful babies they would have someday, Helen thought.
“What about Mom and Dad? They’re not like you, Aunt Helen. They’re going to be furious when they hear about her.” Charlie paused. “You haven’t told my parents, have you?”
“Just the vaguest details. But I didn’t spill the beans about you having feelings for Grace. That’s your job to tell them, if and when you want to.” Charlie was almost eighteen. He could manage his own business. But if it ever came to that, Helen would do everything in her power to convince Charlie’s parents that Grace was worthy of Charlie’s, and their, love.
“Do you think Grace might love me back?” Charlie asked. Although he knew she liked him, seemed to be as attracted to him as he was to her, he wasn’t sure she had the capacity to fall in love, at least for the time being.
“I think so, even if she doesn’t know it yet. Just be there for her, in whatever way she needs you. When all the noise in her life goes away, you’ll be holding her hand, and she’ll see all of you. At that moment, how could she not fall in love with you?” Helen pinched Charlie’s cheek and smiled mischievously at him.
“Thank you for listening, Aunt Helen. How did you get so good at this? You would have made a great mother.”
“That’s the highest compliment you could have paid me. I love you, dear boy, and I’m so glad you came to stay with me. I’m having the most wonderful time.”
“Goodnight, Aunt Helen.”
“Goodnight, sweetie. And don’t worry so much. Lord knows, it won’t change anything.” Helen clicked on the television. “I’m just going to watch a little Masterpiece Theatre before I go up. Sleep tight.”
Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, Charlie debated with himself. You owe her an apology. It can wait until morning. But what if she’s upset? You just want to see her without a bra on, you pervert. He knocked gently on Grace’s door. Not sure what he was going to say, he knew that he couldn’t go to sleep without talking to her.
“Come in.”
Grace was already in bed, reading a book. In a pale pink nightgown, with her dark hair lying in swirls on the white pillowcase, Charlie thought she looked like an angel. He had never seen her look more beautiful.
“I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I shouldn’t have said anything. Of course I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been going through at school.” Charlie took a step into Grace’s room, wanting more than anything to crawl into bed with her and wondering how he could make that happen.
“It’s nothing. And you’re right, I shouldn’t let people I don’t even care about make important decisions for me, but I’m just so tired.” Grace sighed and put her book on the nightstand.
“I’ll let you go to sleep,” Charlie said.
“No, please don’t go. Do you want to sit with me for a while?” Patting the bed next to her, Grace nodded. “Would you read to me?”
“Of course.” Charlie gingerly sat down on the edge of the bed and picked up Grace’s book. “Mansfield Park?”
“It’s the only Jane Austen I haven’t read yet. You look like you’re about to fall off. Come over here. Get comfortable,” Grace said, propping a pillow against the headboard next to her.
Charlie stretched out next to Grace. “Okay, here goes.” He hadn’t read out loud to anyone since the third grade. When he came to the end of the chapter, he looked over at Grace to see if she was asleep. “Do you want me to stop?”
“If you want,” Grace said, and yawned.
“You need your rest. Goodnight, Grace.”
Leaning over, Charlie intended to kiss Grace’s cheek, but she turned her head at just the right moment, and his mouth met hers. Knowing he should pull away, that they had agreed to wait until after the baby was born to try this again, Charlie was unable to stop. And when Grace made that sweet little meowing sound and opened her mouth to his, he let himself go. Her body was rounder and riper than it had been that first time, and his hands were desperate to explore. With one hand tangled in her hair, Charlie let his other hand slip inside Grace’s nightgown. He knew what he was doing was wrong, was probably illegal in some countries, but he kept going, kissing his way down her neck, not stopping until his tongue was teasing her nipples. Grace moaned in his ear. He was nearly ready to come just from the sounds she was making.
“Grace,” he breathed. “I ….”
Charlie’s voice snapped Grace back to reality, and she pushed him away. “Charlie, we can’t.”
She could hardly catch her breath, and from the neck down, the last thing she wanted to do was stop, but in her heart she knew they would both regret carrying this to its logical conclusion. It was not the right time, no matter how incredible it felt.
Jerking upright and leaping off the bed, as if it had metamorphosed into a red-hot stove, Charlie turned away from Grace so that she wouldn’t see his hard-on, which hadn’t yet gotten the message that storytime was over. “I’m so sorry. Please, Grace, you have to forgive me. I didn’t come in here to do that. I swear.”
“I know that, Charlie. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was right there with you,” Grace said, pulling the sheet up to her neck, the tingle of Charlie’s mouth on her breasts lingering like a delicious phantom pain. Still unable to believe that he could look at her, let alone touch her, in her puffed up state, she wanted to laugh out loud. The most perfect boy in the world wanted her, bloated body and all. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I promised not to bother you, and then I attacked you.” His hands splayed ineffectively over his crotch, Charlie couldn’t shut off the movie of their too-brief love scene that was already replaying in his head.
“Stop.” Grace felt hot all over, and her heart continued to pound. “Go to bed, Charlie.”
“But ….”
Grace had to giggle at Charlie’s obvious distress. “Go take care of yourself. I’ll see you in the morning.” She blew him a kiss and turned off the light.
CHAPTER 20
When Grace awoke from a dream in which she had peed in her pants in front of the entire student body of Silver Lake High School, she realized that while she was not standing in front of a thousand howling teenagers, she was still soaking wet. On top of all the oth
er humiliations she had suffered in the last nine months, now she could add bedwetting to the list. But as she floated up through layers of sleep, she realized that it was the first of April, and the doctor had told her that her water could break at any time. Thank goodness. But if her water had broken, that meant she was in labor. Molly was on the way. Grace tried to stay calm, reminding herself that this was perfectly natural, exactly what was supposed to happen. Her efforts to soothe herself failing, Grace looked at the bedside clock: 3:45 A.M.
She tiptoed into Helen’s room and stood by the bed, staring down at the tiny sleeping form, still wondering whether this could wait until a more civilized hour — she had already inconvenienced Helen in so many ways — when her belly seized up in a single enormous contraction. “Argh!” As hard as she’d tried to control it, the groan slipped out between her gritted teeth.
Helen sat up straight and looked around. “Sweetie, what’s wrong? Are you in labor?” Having mentally prepared herself for this precise moment for weeks, she felt like a rookie fireman hearing the alarm bell, about to slide down the pole on the way to her first real fire. It was simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. But she knew she needed to put on a calm front for Grace, make her feel like everything was under control. Throwing back the blankets, Helen leaped to her feet, ready for duty. In anticipation of just such a middle-of-the-night emergency, she had been sleeping in a sweatsuit for the last two weeks, so she wouldn’t have to waste precious time getting dressed and could focus all of her attention on getting Grace to the hospital. Aware that she didn’t move as quickly as she used to, Helen didn’t want to risk Grace giving birth in the car because an old lady’s arthritic fingers took forever to button her shirt.
“I think my water broke. Either I’m in labor, or something’s really wrong. Helen, I’m scared,” Grace whimpered, tears streaming down her face, more from fear than from pain.
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