Fuck. He didn’t know, didn’t know if he wanted to know.
"You okay?"
JP tossed the phone into his bag then looked over at Randy. "Fine. Why?"
"You look like you’re ready to hurl."
"I’m fine." JP grabbed a roll of tape and his stick, intent on losing himself in the ritual. He need to clear his mind, focus on the game ahead.
"Dude, what is wrong with you?"
JP bit back a scathing comment when Mat lowered himself to the bench and began working on his own stick. He wanted peace right now. Time to be left alone, to get his mind where it needed to be.
"Nothing is wrong."
"You sure? You look pale. You’re not getting sick, are you?"
"No, you idiot. Leave me alone."
Randy laughed and took a seat on JP’s other side, completely ignoring his request to be left alone. He thought about moving, finding someplace quieter. But what good would it do? It wouldn’t—especially since there really wasn’t any place he could go to be left alone. Brad, their back-up goalie, had dibs on the only quiet room available right now, preparing for the game ahead since Alec was at the hospital, waiting on the imminent birth of his first child.
No, JP was not going to allow his mind to go there. He shoved the thought, the regret, from his mind and focused on taping his stick, smoothing the edges, testing it.
"Are you coming tomorrow night?"
JP didn’t bother looking at Randy. "What’s tomorrow?"
"We’re having a celebration gathering at The Maypole for Alec and AJ. You know, for the baby. You should bring Emily, finally introduce her to everyone."
"I don’t know. Maybe."
"No maybe. Bring her. It’ll be fun."
JP tore off the strip of tape and tossed the roll down. Fun. Probably not. He wasn’t sure he wanted to introduce Emily to the team. Not yet. Not because introducing her was the same as announcing the seriousness of their relationship. Not because he didn’t want his teammates fawning over her, telling her stories, teasing him.
Well, mostly not. But to bring her to a gathering to celebrate a birth? No. He didn’t think he could do that. Not to either one of them. But he didn’t tell Randy that. He couldn’t, not without explaining. That wasn’t something he wanted to do.
"We’ll see."
"Think about it. This is the team’s first baby, after all."
Mat leaned forward, interrupting them. "I don’t know, Randy. I mean, dude, seriously? You really think they’re going to be there? What if the kid isn’t even born by then?"
"Of course AJ won’t be there. Idiot. But Alec might stop by."
JP didn’t bother to hide his grin or his skepticism. "You think he’s going to stop at your sister’s bar after having his first kid? That AJ would be cool with that? Really?"
Randy shrugged, his smile letting JP know that he knew better. "Doesn’t matter, we can still celebrate without them. For now, anyway."
Mat leaned forward again, his brows lowered in a frown as he looked from Randy to JP and back again. "Isn’t that kind of, I don’t know, pushing something? I mean, what if something happens? What if there’s complications and the baby doesn’t—"
JP didn’t think, just shot off the bench and punched Mat in the shoulder, hard enough to send him flying backward. "Putain de salaud! Why would you say that? You don’t say something like that, put something like that out there! Merde. Mère de Dieu! What the fuck?"
A hand tightened around his arm, the grip vice-tight, pulling him back. "Whoa, JP. What the hell?"
JP shrugged off Randy’s hand and stepped away, each breath a harsh gasp ripped from his chest, burning, aching. He shook his head, ran one hand through his hair. But his hand was shaking. Both of them. He folded his hands into fists, trying to hide the heavy tremors. Christ, even his legs were shaking. He needed to sit down but he couldn’t, couldn’t stay still long enough. He needed to move, to get out, get away.
But Randy and Mat followed him into the shower room, both of them looking bewildered. And worried. He almost laughed but bit it back as he moved to the sink and splashed cold water on his face.
"Dude, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Fine." JP looked up, saw their reflections in the mirror in front of him, one on either side. Fuck. He didn’t need this now, not from either one of them. His eyes slid to the side and met Mat’s bewildered gaze in the reflection. "Really. I’m fine. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean—"
"You’re full of shit. What’s going on?"
"Nothing." JP racked his mind, searching for an excuse they would believe. He forced a smile as he moved away from the sink. "French superstition. That’s all. I overreacted, eh? No problem."
Randy stepped in front of him, blocking his way. "That was more than overreaction. And definitely not superstition. What gives?"
"Nothing. I told you."
"Yeah, that’s why your hands are shaking like that."
"It’s nothing—"
"Oh holy shit. You knocked her up, didn’t you?"
JP froze, an expression of horror crossing his face at Mat’s exclamation. No. There was no way Mat could know. He hadn’t even been on the team back then, hadn’t even been drafted. How could he know?
He couldn’t know, of that JP was certain. And Mat wasn’t talking about five years ago. He was talking about now, nothing more than a crazy guess, a wild shot. And if JP didn’t do something, say something, that wild shot was going to bounce right off the pipes and slide into the back of the net without being stopped.
"Herron, what the fuck?" Randy pushed against Mat, not hard, more like a shove of disbelief. JP tried to take advantage of the distraction and stepped to the side just as Randy turned to look at him.
He saw the expression on Randy’s face, one of impatience and disbelief, like he was silently telling JP how insane Mat was for even saying such a thing. But Randy must have seen something in JP’s face because his expression changed. Slowly, just a bit at a time, until slow realization settled over him.
"Not now. Before. Shit."
JP leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, not knowing what to say. Deny it? No, he couldn’t do that, not now. Neither one of them would believe him. And he didn’t want to lie, not anymore.
A hand closed over his shoulder, brief but reassuring. "What happened?"
JP opened his eyes and met Randy’s gaze, steady and unjudging. He glanced at Mat, saw his confusion, his concern.
"Putain." JP scrubbed his hands over his face then ran them back through his hair. "Emily miscarried when she was four months pregnant."
Mat’s low whistle echoed off the tile in the sprawling room. "That sucks. What happened then?"
"What happened? Christ. Nothing happened, Heron. We stopped seeing each other."
"And now you’re back together? Really? Isn’t that, like, I don’t know. A little weird?"
JP and Randy both turned to look at Mat, their expressions of disbelief identical. Randy shook his head and mumbled something under his breath, then pinched the bridge of his nose.
"This is why you will always stay single, Herron. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘the one who got away’?"
"Well yeah but…wait. So you’re actually serious about this woman? Is that why you kept stalking her?"
JP pushed past Mat, not willing to answer the questions. Hell, he had already said too much. He had never planned on telling anyone about what happened five years ago; he wasn’t sure why he just had.
And as far as Randy’s comment about ‘the one who got away’…yeah, he wasn’t even going to think about that one. He couldn’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Not after his conversation with Emily. Not after that stupid comment.
Randy and Mat walked past him, grabbing their gear and sticks. JP followed, deliberately moving slower, wanting to put distance between them. His ploy didn’t work because both men stopped to wait for him.
"About tomorrow night. I still think you should stop by. Bring Em
ily. It’ll be fun."
"Yeah. I’ll think about it." JP grabbed his stick and pushed past both of them. Sure, he’d think about it.
But his answer would be the same.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
JP paused on the sidewalk, his hand cupping Emily’s elbow through her dark coat. A few people stepped around them, tossing them impatient looks as they moved around them to reach the door. JP stepped to the side, pulling them out of the way.
"Are you sure you’re okay with this?"
She tilted her head to look up at him, the movement causing her hair to fall over her shoulder and spill down her back. The light above the doors colored the soft strands with a golden hue and cast her face with a soft glow. Right at that moment, he wanted to do nothing more than pull her into his arms and kiss her.
No. To take her home then pull her into his arms. But he couldn’t do that, not right now. Against his better judgment he had asked Emily out tonight, leaving it up to her to decide if she wanted to come. Much to his surprise, she said yes.
Although maybe ‘surprise’ was the wrong word. JP had a feeling he was more nervous than Emily and he wasn’t sure why.
"JP, I’m fine."
"Are you sure? I mean, there’s probably going to be talk about, you know…um, babies and—"
Emily placed her fingers across his mouth, silencing him. Then she smiled, a soft and sweet smile that heated him deep inside. "JP, it’s okay. Really."
Her eyes reflected the truth of her words, enough that the knot of apprehension in JP’s gut loosened, just a little. He grabbed her hand in his and dropped a kiss to her fingers then lowered their hands to his side. "About the guys. They, uh, they like to joke around and stuff. You shouldn’t listen to everything they say."
"You’re nervous!"
"What? No, of course not. Ne soyez pas ridicule."
Emily laughed again and squeezed his hand. "Yes, you are. But don’t worry, I am too. A little. This is kind of like meeting your family, isn’t it?"
Her words rang in his ears, clear and precise. And truer than she knew. JP hadn’t given it much thought, not in those exact terms, but Emily was right. His team was his family, in all the ways that counted. Introducing Emily to them was a big deal for him, a big step he hadn’t wanted to stop and think about. Part of him was secretly glad she understood that. The other part of him was anxious, apprehensive.
Because it was a big deal, one he was afraid to acknowledge.
Too late for that now.
JP pulled Emily close and dropped a quick kiss to her mouth, feeling the warmth of her lips against his, the press of her body as she leaned into him. Then he took her hand and led her inside.
The Maypole, as usual, was packed. It was still early enough for the after-work crowd, yet late enough for the dinner crowd. And more than a year later, the combination sports bar and restaurant was still successfully geared toward women—which made it a nice draw for men as well.
JP ignored the crowd and led Emily to the back, where several tables were pushed together. At least half a dozen of his teammates were already there, most with their wives or girlfriends. The conversation was loud, filled with laughter, but it trailed off as JP approached. He swallowed back the storm of nerves in his gut and tightened his hold around Emily’s hand, pulling her closer as all eyes focused on them.
"About time you showed up." Randy stood and pulled out a chair, motioning for Emily to have a seat. She looked over at JP, her expression questioning. At his nod, she shrugged out of her coat and took a seat.
JP moved behind her and dropped his hand on her shoulder, a show of reassurance, of possessiveness. His glance darted around at the curious faces watching him. "Everyone, this is Emily. Emily, this is everyone."
Conversation started up again, more controlled this time, the volume a little lower as introductions were made. JP kept a close eye on Emily but she seemed comfortable, at ease. He let out his breath and allowed himself to relax, just a little.
"Why are you so nervous?"
"What? Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not."
"Yeah, okay. C’mon, you can help me carry more drinks over." JP followed Randy over to the bar, tossing an occasional glance over his shoulder. He stopped and groaned when Mat walked in and made his way over to the table, straight toward Emily.
JP turned to go back when Randy grabbed his arm. "Stop it. She’s fine. Mat isn’t going to say anything about, well, you know."
"That’s not what I’m worried about."
"Then what?"
JP leaned an elbow against the bar and looked around. So many women. No, none that he knew, not here, not tonight at least. But that didn’t mean that he’d never run into one, that he’d never cross paths—
"Then what, Larocque? What are you worried about?"
JP looked back at Randy, fixing his friend with a steady gaze. "Does Alyssa know about your past?"
"My past?" Randy arranged some bottles and glasses on two trays then faced JP. "You mean other women before her?"
"Yeah. That."
Randy tilted his head and scratched the back of his neck, a frown of discomfort contorting his face for several seconds. He reached for a beer and took a long swallow, then another. Randy placed the empty bottle against the bar with a loud thunk and a hollow laugh. "Yeah, okay. Is that what you’re worried about?"
"I don’t know. Maybe. I mean…fuck."
Randy shoved a beer into his hand then turned and looked back at the crowd at their table. "Alyssa’s not stupid. But she also doesn’t hold my past against me because she loves me. Faults and all. That’s why they call it love."
JP didn’t say anything, just sipped the beer and looked over at Emily. She was leaning across the table, listening to something Ian’s wife, Kayli, was saying. She tilted her head back and laughed, the musical sound drifting over to him and wrapping him in unaccustomed warmth.
JP rolled the bottle between his hands, the damp coolness spreading along his palms. He sighed then placed the bottle on the bar. "She moved out of her sister’s house. I think it was because of me."
"She tell you that?"
"Not exactly, non. But I know her sister doesn’t approve of me."
"Have you talked to her about it?"
"No."
"Then you need to." Randy paused, studying JP with an intensity that made him uncomfortable. "Is she the one?"
"The one?"
"Yeah. And don’t play stupid because you know exactly what I mean. Is she the one? Or are you with her now because you’re feeling guilty about your past and everything that happened?"
Guilty. Why did everything always seem to go back to that word? Did JP feel guilty? Of course he did. He wasn’t so callous, so unfeeling, that he was beyond feeling guilt. How could he not, when he thought about what Emily went through? Alone, because he hadn’t been there for her, hadn’t even tried to be there for her. When she had walked away that night, so long ago, he had convinced himself she didn’t need him, didn’t care. He should have gone after her. Should have put his own fear and pain behind him and chased after her, reassured her. Let her know he was there for her, that they'd get through it together.
But he hadn't done any of that, just convinced himself she didn't want him. It was easier for him to think that than do anything about it.
Easier for him to hide his own pain at the loss.
Did he still feel guilty? Yes, dammit, he did.
JP took a long swallow of beer then leaned against the bar, his eyes automatically seeking Emily. Her wide blue eyes, her soft smile, her gentle laugh. Looking at her, she seemed fragile, like she needed someone to take care of her. But she didn’t. She was stronger than that. Stronger than most other women he knew.
And with a bigger heart. Too big, too caring. Emily had a way of looking at people, letting them know that she was listening, that she cared.
Yes, he still felt guilty. But that wasn’t why he was with her, that wasn’t why he wanted her. JP rubbed his che
st, pushing against the sudden ache forming just under his sternum, an ache that made each breath burn in his lungs.
"Dieu m'aider." He needed Emily. It was as simple and as terrifying as that.
Randy pushed against his shoulder and laughed, a not-quite-humorous sound that told JP his friend knew exactly what had just happened. "Talk to her, JP. And do yourself a favor. Don’t wait too long to tell her."
Randy grabbed one tray and walked back to the table, leaving JP standing there, unable to move. Tell her, Randy had said. But tell her what?
Tell her how he felt.
He couldn’t. Not here, not now. No, if he was going to bare his soul, he wanted it to be someplace special. He wanted the moment to be special. Romantic.
Fuck. What did he know about romance? Nothing. And he couldn’t tell her now, anyway. Not until things were settled between her and her sister. He didn’t want Emily to think he was trying to take advantage of the rift with her sister.
Not that that made any sense, not in a way he could explain. He just knew it was important to Emily. And to him. So yeah, he’d have to fix that. Somehow.
JP finished the beer and slammed the bottle down, wincing at the loud thunk the glass made against the polished wood. He’d figure things out later. Right now, he just wanted to spend the evening with Emily, to show her off.
He went back to the table, dragging an empty chair with him, then wedged himself between Emily and Mat. He gave Mat a dirty look then wrapped his arm around Emily’s shoulder, pulling her close.
"Having fun?"
She tilted her head back to look at him, laughter shining in her eyes. "Yes, actually, I am."
"Good." He pressed his mouth to hers for a quick kiss then settled himself more comfortably in the chair and propped his right ankle on his left knee. Conversation continued around them, with a few of his teammates shooting knowing looks his way. JP narrowed his eyes, silently daring them to say something. The look only caused a few of them to laugh, which made JP frown even more.
Time drifted around them, filled with laughter, food, and teasing conversation. Emily reached for another glass of wine, her smile bright, her face flushed. JP caught the glass before she could reach it and nudged it out of her way, then leaned down to whisper in her ear.
Break Away (The Baltimore Banners Book 5) Page 17