They headed through the back foyer to the kitchen. This space wasn’t big, but it was bright and homely. Emily and Wil’s house was stunning—raw timbers, stone, and classic country furniture gave it a rustic rural vibe.
Mundane talk about the weather and family was where they ventured while coffees were made and poured until they took a seat in the living room.
‘So,’ Emily said leaning forward, cupping her mug in her hands. ‘Tell me about Anders.’
‘I’ve just come from there.’
Emily sat up straighter, eyes wide. ‘Wow, so things have progressed quite a bit since the barbeque kiss.’
Neve nodded and sipped at her hot coffee. ‘We’ve spent a few afternoons together—just getting to know each other.’
Emily suppressed a grin and nodded. ‘Which involves?’
‘Lots and lots of kissing. Some talking.’
‘Some talking? Right, of course. You couldn’t kiss the whole time.’
Neve laughed. ‘Exactly.’
‘So what’s the problem?’
‘We haven’t told Jager yet.’
‘Okay.’
‘And, this afternoon, it was getting pretty heavy, and Jager decided to drop into Anders’ house unannounced—’
Emily gasped. ‘Oh, no, he caught you two—?’
Neve quickly shook her head. ‘Not quite. He didn’t know I was there.’ She placed her mug on the table in front of her. ‘I’m glad Jager interrupted us.’
‘Oh. Right. Because?’
She sighed. ‘Because I’m petrified.’
Emily’s voice took on a serious note. ‘Petrified of Jager?’
‘God, no. Not at all. Honestly, Em, Jager’s an excuse. If I really wanted to openly date Anders, then I’d tell Jager to butt out, and I know he would accept that.’
‘So what then?’
‘The more time I spend with Anders the more I like him. Really really like him. I feel these emotions coiling inside of me so tightly, but along with that emotion is fear. I’m scared I’ll open up to him, and I’ll get my heart broken again. I’ve lost so much in my life that I’m scared one more heartbreak will be enough to throw me over the edge.’
‘I see,’ Emily said.
‘I try not to show it, but I’m barely hanging on with Mum. Every time my phone rings, I think it’s the call that she’s passed away or had another complication. I’m invading Jager’s space, but I can’t move out just yet.’ She sighed, shook her head wearily. ‘Maybe I’m better off ending it now before it goes too far. I thought I’d be able to tread carefully and slowly, but the more I’m with him the more I like him, and the more I like him the more my brain screams at me to run away before I’m in too deep.’
Emily sighed and patted Neve’s knee. ‘I do understand how you feel. I’ve been exactly where you are—not for the same reasons, but I had similar wounds. I still fight with them now. I mean, just how screwed up I was played out on national television; it’s no secret. And I don’t know what advice I can give you because we all need to confront our own scars in our way, but maybe ask yourself if he is worth the risk of at least trying to see if it could work.’
Neve didn’t want to say it out loud because of how self-defeating it sounded, but Anders deserved more than she could give. All she had to offer was a bruised heart that was too afraid of breaking again.
‘I don’t want to hurt him.’ And she truly didn’t. He was a really great guy who didn’t deserve that.
‘Of course not. And maybe you won’t ever have to.’
She exhaled noisily. ‘I should end it now. I really should.’ But those words burnt her tongue to speak them. She should end it now, but could she?
Emily looked at her out the corner of her eyes. ‘Don’t you at least want to sleep with him? All this sneaking around with no reward.’
‘So much. But it’s like the final line, you know?’
Emily arched a brow, shrugged a shoulder. ‘Who cares about lines and boundaries and all that bullshit? Just do it. Get him out of your system. Who knows, he might be a complete dud and you’ll be glad you found out before it was too late.’
‘I’ve seen him naked, remember?’
‘Yeah, but big doesn’t necessarily mean he knows how to use it.’
Neve laughed, but soon her mouth drifted into a frown as she considered the consequences of sleeping with Anders. ‘I don’t know if I could do that. It doesn’t feel right.’
‘Oh, please, men have been doing it to us for millennia. It’s all about equality, isn’t it? Besides, I really don’t think he’s going to mind in the slightest. And if you do fizz and burn out in the bedroom, no big deal, right?’
‘I don’t know. I would hate to think he would do something like that to me.’
‘I don’t mean for you to be secretive about it. Of course you need to be upfront from the beginning. If he agrees, then he agrees. If he doesn’t, you go on your way. Two consenting adults getting a little sexual tension out of their systems. Can’t hurt.’
Her body awakened to the possibility and she bit down on her smile. ‘No, it certainly wouldn’t hurt.’ But could she have that conversation with him?
She had to.
Either she told him they were done and dusted before they had even started or she asked if he was okay with a little casual sex. Either conversation would be awkward, but one had a happier ending than the other—literally.
Later that evening, Neve used the excuse that she was in the middle of a great book, so she had to go to bed early to finish it. Truthfully, she wanted to ring Anders—get the casual-sex conversation out of the way, so she could sleep tonight.
Her stomach had been in knots all afternoon. Sure, she was an adult who had a strong sexual history, but the thought of talking to Anders about sex made her feel like she was a schoolgirl again trying to muster up the courage to ask out the cute boy.
Guys love sex. Any kind of sex, she had to keep reminding herself.
After a long, hot shower, where she did everything she could to push her upcoming conversation about casual sex out of her mind, she dressed in her pyjamas and climbed into bed. She needed the security of her blankets over her before she made this call.
Jesus, Neve, you’re not sixteen. You’re a grown woman.
No more procrastinating. She had to get this over and done with. She sent a quick message.
NEVE: Hi, Anders. You awake?
His reply didn’t come back for thirteen minutes and in that time, Neve’s nerves grew more tangled.
ANDERS: Hi! Yep. Just jumped out of the shower.
She rolled onto her back and covered her eyes with her palm. Did he have to mention getting out of the shower? She knew how he looked after climbing out of the shower.
She drew in a deep breath for courage, exhaled and pressed dial.
He answered after two rings.
‘Hi,’ he said in his deep voice that made her belly twist. This little crush was getting well out of hand when the mere sound of his voice had her body reacting like this.
‘Hi. Hope you don’t mind me ringing this late. I know you had an early morning at the dairy and all.’
‘It’s okay. I’m glad to hear from you. I hate when we don’t get a chance to talk. It feels like I’m always running off.’
‘I know. It makes things difficult.’
Silence. ‘But not too difficult, right?’ His voice had a cautious edge to it.
‘Nothing we can’t handle with a little ingenuity.’
‘Glad to hear it.’
She squeezed her eyes shut as a cringe crawled up her body. ‘Um, Anders?’ Trepidation was a strong undertone.
‘Yeah?’
God, how did she even start this conversation? ‘I was thinking this afternoon …’ she trailed off, remained silent.
When the silence dragged on too long, he asked. ‘You still there?’
She rubbed a hand down her face. ‘Yep.’ Her voice was tight.
‘Everything okay? You
sound nervous.’
She closed her eyes. ‘I’m just going to come right out and say it, okay?’
He chuckled. ‘That might help.’
‘Let’s have sex.’
A low chuckle again. ‘Like now? Over the phone?’
She winced. ‘No. Not now. I mean, when we feel like it.’
‘Sure. I’m up for that. But you wanted to take things slow, right?’
‘Not anymore.’
‘Okay,’ he said drawing out the syllables.
‘I want to have sex. With you.’ She slapped her forehead with her free hand. She was sounding like a moron. Just get it out, Neve.
‘I like the words that are coming out of your mouth right now. But I’ve got to admit, I’m confused.’
‘Remember I said that a relationship wouldn’t work between us?’
‘I remember.’
‘How do you feel about sex with no-strings-attached?’
Silence. ‘It’s not usually my thing. Remember, I’m the all or nothing guy.’
‘Yes, but you also said you were capable of compromise in some circumstances.’ She held her breath, waiting for his reply.
‘I did say that, didn’t I?’
‘You definitely did.’
‘Maybe this is taking “dirty little secret” to a place I’m not comfortable with. I mean, Christ, I’m already sneaking around behind your brother’s back because he thinks I’m not good enough for you. I don’t really want to confirm that he was right all along. I want to be good for you, Neve.’
Her eyes widened to hear the heat in his voice. ‘This has nothing to do with Jager. This is what I want. And I needed to be upfront with you about it, so we are both aware of where we stand.’
A long, exasperated sigh. ‘I don’t like it. I’m sorry.’
She shook her head. Bemused. Men were supposed to be into this type of arrangement, weren’t they? ‘Why?’ She wasn’t going to beg him to agree, but she did want to know what was holding him back.
‘Because I was hoping for strings-attached.’
She closed her eyes. The disappointment in his voice reached into her heart and squeezed it. She hated her heart at that moment—her stupid, scared heart. She hated it for caring so much and hated it for being afraid.
‘I can’t give you that,’ she whispered through her tightening throat. ‘And I’ve only ever been upfront about that.’
Silence. ‘I know. It was stupid of me to think I could change your mind. I can’t agree to casual sex, Neve. As much as I’d love to, believe me, I could think of nothing more I want right now, but it’s not me. So, maybe it’s best if we just end this here before … while we’re both still intact.’
All the air streamed from her lungs as though his words were a strangling cuddle around her ribcage.
Neve knew what she could do and say to make this right between them but that involved ignoring the fear in her heart, and it was too loud and potent to turn away from. ‘I understand.’
Maybe this was for the best. No use wasting someone else’s time, especially when you cared enough to know they deserved much more. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered and hated that her voice sounded hurt and weak.
‘I’ll see you around, Neve.’
‘You too.’
She hung up the phone and let it fall from her hand onto the bed beside her. A cold sensation of regret filled her from her toes to her head.
But there was no use getting upset about this. There were only two outcomes to this scenario and she had known it before she dialled his number—they break up or they have casual sex until they eventually break up. Both circumstances, the outcome was still the same.
So why did it hurt so much?
Chapter 18
Anders laid awake that night barely able to find sleep. What a fucking blow, like Neve had taken her shoe and kicked him fair in the guts. Never was there a more roundabout way of saying that she wasn’t interested in him as a person, though his body would do just fine.
Her suggestion that they have sex with no-strings-attached took him straight back to when he was living away from home, playing in the Victorian Football League.
He was reduced to that sensation of being treated like he was nothing more than a body, which was all he ever felt like during that time in his life.
Was his body jumping high enough, agile enough, fast enough, skilled enough?
The sensation worsened as the constant hounding and picking away at how he looked by a few of the other guys increased until he was no longer inside his body anymore—he was standing on the outside of it, looking in and assessing it. Always assessing it.
Were the coaches happy with his body as it sprinted, handballed, tackled, and kicked? Were his teammates jealous of this body of his? Was he standing out too much after his haircut? Were his muscles growing too big from all the training that others would call it out?
Neve’s phone call had sent him back there again.
Then the memories came with a rocketing thud as they slammed into his brain. Memories he had pushed way down inside him. The rough hands pinning him down to the bed, shoving his face into the mattress so that he could barely breathe and was terrified he would die. The tearing at his boxer shorts, the hot, rough body behind him, trying to push inside him.
And then the rage that had been long suppressed, rising like gas bubbles from a carcass surfacing from the murky depths of a mire. The roaring in his chest as he managed to get free and overpower his attacker—Jonathon, the teammate who was relentless in his bullying.
The repeated thud of Anders’ fist as he smashed it, over and over into Jonathon’s face until it was bruised, bloody and swollen and his fist was gaping.
He remembered looking at Jonathon as he lay on the ground, struggling to breathe and feeling such hatred. Hatred that he had brought this side of him out again. This side of Anders that he learned from his father. The side of him he detested and was ashamed of.
Anders cited personal problems and soon left the training squad. Jonathon lied that he had been beaten up on the way home from a night out. He never told another soul, not even his mother, what had happened, and said he was dropped from the team for underperformance.
He was ashamed to have been the target of an intended sexual assault, but also ashamed by who he had become as he fought to get away.
He wanted his mother to keep believing he was a good person. He wanted to keep believing that he was a good person. But for years, he couldn’t be that man again. Jonathon had stolen away who Anders always believed himself to be and left him an angry, guilt-ridden shell.
As he laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling through the dim shadows, he ached. It was irrational to equate Neve’s suggestion with what happened when he was eighteen. They were not one and the same. One merely stirred memories of the other.
A part of him was tempted to take Neve up on her offer—what hot-blooded male wouldn’t be. But he didn’t want to be ‘just a body’ to her. He couldn’t be that for anybody ever again, not even Neve. He needed Neve to want to be with him in all the ways he wanted to be with her.
He needed to be the good guy, for Neve and Jager’s sake, and not be the type of man who used his best mate’s sister for sexual gratification and lie to everyone about it to hide that fact. It was bad enough Jager already assumed him subpar for Neve—he didn’t need to make that an actuality.
***
Tuesday afternoon, Anders’ kids at AFL were rowdier than usual or maybe his patience was worn thin. By the time he got to training and some of his team were running through the drills as though it was a Sunday walk through the park, his blood was boiling. Did they not care about the finals at all?
Still, he managed to keep himself under control until …
They were doing warm down laps around the footy fields. On their second lap, he overheard a teammate’s conversation.
Damien had moved to town last year. This was his second season playing for the Wattle Valley Lions. Anders
had never gelled with him, but he was a good footballer, so he made an effort to tolerate him for the team’s sake.
‘Yeah, Neve’s hot, mate,’ Damien said to another teammate. ‘I’d have a go. You could always push her face into the mattress as you fucked her, so you didn’t have to look at the scar.’
A tremble started in Anders’ chest and it vibrated through his limbs. A haze descended over his mind that spoke only of violence. Before he could give it any rational thought, adrenaline was beating in his blood, making his muscles tic. He charged at Damien and smashed his shoulder against his.
‘What the fuck?’ Damien yelled as he was flung sidewards. His legs hastened beneath him as he tried to right his balance, barely managing to stay on his feet. He marched back to Anders and squared off in front of him, his lips twisting with anger and bemusement. ‘Why’d you do that?’
Anders shoved him hard in the chest, the sound of his palms against flesh was a loud thud and sent Damien hurtling backwards. ‘Because you need to watch your fucking mouth.’
Damien managed to find his balance and held himself straighter, puffing his chest out, arms wide. ‘I’ll say what I want.’
Anders’ fists clenched at his sides—all he wanted to do was punch the shit out of this guy until he was battered on the grass below his feet. All those old feelings that were once so strong were surging through him, and he was struggling to contain himself.
He charged at Damien but rough hands were around his chest and shoulders, restraining him. Jager and a few other teammates. Blokes were pushing Damien out of the firing line too.
Anders’ breaths were heavy. His focus held sharp to the excuse for a human in front of him. Men were shouting, telling them both to stand down, but it was on the periphery of everything—a mere rabble of voices.
Then the coach was there, face red with anger. ‘What the fuck is going on here?’
‘Nothing,’ Anders said, finally snapping back to reality.
‘Like hell it was nothing. You’re on the same team, you stupid pricks. We play in the first preliminary final this weekend, and you morons are almost punching on.’
‘I did nothing!’ Damien yelled defensively. ‘I was jogging and this hero had a go.’
Meet Me in the Middle (Wattle Valley, #2) Page 14