by Brook Wilder
I blink at her. A pregnancy test hadn’t even crossed my mind. I shake my head.
“Marc and I use condoms,” I say. “We never…”
But there, I have to stop. Marc and I always use condoms; he hates the thought of children, doesn’t want any, at least not now. Not while I’m in my prime. I realize, with a cold, sinking dread, that I’ve slept with a man without protection in recent weeks.
My stomach turns and I hurl once more into the toilet. If I’m pregnant, it’s not Marc’s baby, that much I know. I’m just not sure whether that’s a good thing or the end of my life as I know it.
Diane covers for me for Marc. She takes my numbers and she’s a pretty little thing; the men won’t care either way and I’ll deal with Marc myself if I need to. I call a cab for myself instead of waiting for a bus to come by to take me to the nearest drug store, so I can buy a test.
I’ve never been in this position before. Even when I first got with Marc, he’d always been big on condoms. When we were younger, I thought it was sweet—he obviously loved me and didn’t want to get me into ‘trouble.’ But it was more for himself and his desire to not be saddled with a bunch of ‘brats’ that would ruin his fun. Whatever the case, at least I had no children with him. My life and theirs would be even more a nightmare than they already are.
So, I stand there, staring at all the pregnancy tests that this knock-off CVS has to offer. There’s about a hundred different kinds with a million different claims. There’s five-dollar tests to fifty-dollar tests. Are the more expensive ones more accurate? I have no idea. Marc keeps track of all my card spending, so I dig in my pockets for all the money that I managed to make tonight and settle on a twenty-dollar test that’ll do the trick. I buy it, wishing that the woman behind the counter would just hurry up. Why is it taking her so long to ring me up? Does she have to meticulously count my ones so slowly, eyeing them with her judgmental eyes as she looks me up and down?
As soon as she’s bagged the damn thing, I snatch the bag and head to the bathroom. I make sure to go over the instructions once, twice, then a third time just to be certain that I’m not going to do anything that’ll compromise the integrity of the test or whatever. Then, I do my business.
And I wait.
And wait.
My stall feels smaller than it is. Like it’s closing in around me as I sit on the toilet with the test on the toilet paper dispenser. I sit, arms wrapped around my body, like I’m trying to hold myself from falling to pieces at the seams. When time is up, I grab the test, holding it tight in my hands.
There’s a tiny, pink plus sign, staring up at me.
I don’t panic. I think I expected it to happen, the all-encompassing feeling of overwhelm to the point of sheer anxiety. I let out a shaky breath and nod to the test as though it’s going to answer me back. I push back the sick feeling that threatens to push itself up on me, and I sigh.
This is a disaster, but it’s one that I have to work with. And if I had been looking for an ‘in’ with James Davis, this is where I am going to have to exploit it.
***
Marc calls me while I’m on the way to the Grizzly Bar. I ignore his call, knowing that I’m going to be in for it when I call him back. I know that, if I answer the phone for him now, I’m going to have an edge in my voice and he’s going to know something is wrong; it’s almost impossible to lie to Marc. He’s known me long enough that he knows how to pick me apart, pull out an explanation. I don’t intend to tell Marc that I’m pregnant—not upfront, anyway. I need to play my cards right to get what I need out of both sides of this dangerous coin.
When I arrive, it’s a little after it’s gotten dark. I know that James will be here; he only takes one day out of the week off. His eyes find me as soon as I walk in, lingering on me before he gives a nod and goes back to what he’s doing. It’s how we interact, and I have to wonder how much of that is going to change in the next few minutes.
Instead of taking my usual seat at the bar, I go up to him while he’s cleaning out a glass. This surprises him, I can tell. We’ve gotten into a routine, and I know how much James Davis loves his routines.
“Hey,” he says, cautious about my approach.
“Hey… can we talk? It’s kind of important.”
James tilts his head and looks around like he’s afraid that someone’s watching us or listening in. He bites his lip and nods toward the back.
“Sure. Sure, come on.”
I follow him to the back. I’m surprised when he leads me into his office. I know for a fact this is where they keep the bulk of their stash but—hm. I look around and there’s nothing in there aside from an office desk and pictures of the club all over the walls, and lots of motorcycle memorabilia. I push that to the back of my mind for now; I’m not here to spy today.
James sits behind his desk. Keeping it formal; he’s always so distant when it comes to people, and women in particular. Following his lead, I sit, too.
“So. What’s up. Is-uh- everything alright for you?”
“Uhm. Yeah.”
I’m nervous, and my voice shakes. Despite the lies that I’ve told him, the feelings that are bubbling in my gut right now are very, very real; I don’t have to fake it. I fidget in my seat, playing with the hem of my shirt. It occurs to me that, no matter what kind of nice person James might be in his day-to-day life, I’m bringing in a very real calamity and I don’t actually know if I can vouch for how he’s going to respond.
“Hey. It’s cool,” he says. “Whatever you gotta say, just say it.”
Ha! He’s so reassuring.
“I’m—I’m pregnant, James.”
He stares at me after I say that, saying nothing. He just… stares. His dark eyes linger on my face, and then slide down, hovering on my belly. His silence remains and I worry in that moment that he’s going to snap.
“How—I mean seriously how—?”
“That night,” I say. “We didn’t use protection. I’m not on the pill… I didn’t think about it, but I’ve been sick all week and…”
“Did you take a test?” he interrupts.
“Yeah. Yeah, I took a test. Last night after work.”
I reach into my purse, pulling the thing out. I’d thought to bring it, just in case.
James grabs it and stares at it as intently as he stared at me. He’s disbelieving, he doesn’t fully trust or comprehend what’s in front of him. I sit quiet, letting it sink in for him. Did he and Sarah ever think about children? If they did, I can’t imagine he thought that, when he did end up with a child, it would be like this. With a Viper girl, as he called me. He probably hates himself.
“Fuck.”
That’s the only thing he says before he stands up and goes to the small fridge that’s in the office. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey, pops the top and takes a full swig of it before plopping down in his chair.
“You’re sure it’s mine?” he asks.
“Yes. You’re the only one I’ve slept with in months.”
“I see.”
James takes another swig of whiskey, and groans. He drags his hands down his face and shakes his head.
“Fuck,” he says again. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
He doesn’t want this and, to be honest, I can’t blame him. But if I’m going to pull this off, I need him to want this—or at least to deal with it.
“James,” I speak up. “I know that this isn’t ideal, but… I can’t go back to the Vipers. I can’t go back to the Snake Pit. They know I haven’t been with anyone. They’ll start asking questions and, if they find out who this baby belongs to, I don’t know if I’ll be able to protect myself and this baby. Please, I need your help. Even if you don’t want to be a part of its life, that’s fine. I don’t even care. I just want to be safe. You don’t understand how bad it is there.”
It’s not even a lie to say. If it’s found out that I’m pregnant with James’ baby, then it will be hell for me and for James. Marc won’t care that it happened in service to
his wishes. He’ll only see another man laying a claim he’s not even willing to lay himself on a woman he thinks is his.
James takes in a breath.
“I’m not cut for being a father,” he says. “I’m not.”
“You don’t have to…”
“But I do.” He laughs a little bitterly. “I do; I don’t know how your Vipers treat fatherhood, but yeah, Lena, I do.”
He stands up and comes around the desk. I watch him, wary, as he comes to stop in front of me. The tension is palpable between the two of us, and when he pulls me up, I follow his lead.
“I’m not gonna lie to you and say this is something that I wanted,” he says. “I don’t like lying; I don’t think it’s necessary. But I’ve had a hand in this and it’s my responsibility to look after you and look after this baby, regardless of the circumstances in which this happened. As for Marc—fuck him. I’m not gonna let him touch you.”
I swallow. He doesn’t want this. He’s not happy. But he’s willing to help me and this baby and protect me from Marc—something that’s not entirely a lie.
“T-thank you, James,” I say, genuinely grateful. “I… I don’t know how to thank you for this. I’m so sorry. I know this probably isn’t something that you wanted to have to deal with.”
“It’s whatever,” he said. “I helped get us into this, it’s only right that I help you in whatever way I can.” He stepped back a little, as if realizing that we were too close. “What’s with your living situation? Are you safe at your trailer?”
“Uhm. Marc comes by a lot to check on things,” I tell him. “There’s a lot of Viper families there.”
“Hm… That’s not gonna work.”
Huh?
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not gonna be able to hide that you’re pregnant forever. If you’re around other Viper families, they’re going to talk.”
I get his meaning, then. There’s only one problem with that.
“I don’t have anywhere else to go but that trailer,” I tell him. “I don’t have any family. There’s the other Viper girls, but that’s not something I want to involve them in.”
“You’ll come live with me.”
That shocks me.
“What?”
“I have plenty of room at my house. You’d have your own space, I wouldn’t encroach on it.”
I stare up at him, a little dumbfounded.
“I can have me and my boys over sometime tomorrow, to get what you need and bring it over.”
He’s serious about this, isn’t he?
I’m going to have to smooth this over—craftily—to keep Marc from flying off the handle, but I think I can make this work.
“O—okay.”
“Good.” James sighs again, running his fingers through his hair.
Good?
I don’t know if I would call it that, but it’s certainly something.
Chapter Nine
Lena
I take a cab home. I need to start getting things together, just to make the moving process a little easier the next day. James told me that he was going to bring Dom, one of the Grizzlies and his friend, as well as Abel Miller, the sheriff. The fact that the Grizzlies were in good with the police was a point of contention for Marc, and I make a note to pay attention to it while he’s around.
In the meantime, however, I look around my trailer. This has been my home for years, since I ran off from my parents and joined Marc on his wild adventures with the Vipers. It’s not much, and there aren’t a lot of happy memories here. Still, there’s something a little sad in the thought of leaving it behind.
While I’m gathering essentials—clothes, personal stuff—I get another call from Marc.
Here goes nothing.
His voice hisses in my ear as soon as I answer.
“Where the fuck have you been?” he asks.
“I was sick last night,” I answer. “And then I went over to the bar tonight to talk to James, like you want. There’s something I need to tell you, Marc. Something big.”
He’s quiet for a second.
“I’m listening.”
I take in a breath, bracing myself for what I’m about to tell him.
“I’m pregnant, Marc. You’re going to be a father.”
The line is silent. It’s the second time today I’ve told a man that he’s a father; there’s no way that Marc is, but I’ve thought about this particular lie, and I know exactly what I’m gonna say when he denies it.
“Bullshit,” he spits. “We always use protection. I make goddamn sure of it.”
“One of the condoms broke the last time,” I say. “I noticed when I was cleaning up, but I didn’t think anything would happen from it. I’m so sorry. I should have gotten the morning after pill or something.”
“Yeah. Probably. God damn it Lena…”
“I told James it was his,” I blurt.
I need to lay on my plan to him before he gets so angry he comes over here himself.
“What?”
“I told James it was his. That’s why I was over there tonight. I wanted to get it done and surprise you. He believed me. He wants to help me out. I thought, if I used this to go totally undercover and make him keep me around, I could learn more about him. He’s vulnerable. And he wants to do right by me.”
“It’s the perfect combination to get him off his guard and into his pocket.”
“Mmm. Are you… are you proud?”
Marc laughs.
“I’m goddamn proud of you, baby. You’re gonna have him on his knees for you by the time this is done. He’s gonna be so fucking wrecked!” He laughs again. “You keep me posted. Maybe this baby thing isn’t so bad after all.”
The line goes dead.
His excitement disgusts me. But I suppose, in this situation, it’s much better than his anger. I take his happiness in being able to use my pregnancy to his own advantage with a grain of salt and get back to getting my things together. Tomorrow is another day, after all. And, in spite of myself, I’m looking forward to the fact that it’s going to have James instead of Marc in it.
In the morning, I have music playing from the radio, loud pop that fills up my trailer. I have a couple stacks of plastic tubs lined up already, filled with clothing, shoes, and picture albums I’ve put together from my years with the Vipers. Most of the pictures in there are of me and the other Viper girls, the dancers at the club. None hold me and Marc; all the pictures that we had together, before he turned into a piece of shit, I got rid of.
James said that he’d be here sometime around ten in the morning. I’m surprised that he even gets up that early, but I suppose he’s gotta have weird hours since he’s a biker and their lives are wild, unpredictable, and strange. It surprises me further that, not only is it early, but he’s on time. I hear the rumble of a bike pull up outside, skidding over the gravel. I look out and see a young man on the back of a Harley, a huge pick-up backing up close, and a sleek police car.
Well. He wasn’t lying about bringing back-up.
I open the door to everyone as they walk up. I recognize Sheriff Miller instantly, though instead of his usual police garb he’s in casual blue jeans and a nice button up. He’s a handsome man, young to say he’s the sheriff, with chestnut hair and clear blue eyes. Sheriff Miller is always kind to the Viper girls, even though the Vipers cause a hell of a lot of trouble between the southside of Tomahawk and everywhere else.
It’s the other man with them that I don’t recognize and has me staring. He’s tall, but not as tall as Sheriff Miller and James. He’s thinner, and his dark, black hair offsets the paleness of his skin. He looks sweet, very young. James steps forward and gestures between the two of us.
“Dom, this is Lena. Lena, Dom Jones. He’s a part of the MC, and a hell of a musician. You’ll be seeing a lot of him around. I’m sure you already know the Sheriff; he’s friendly, too.”
“Nice to meet you, Dom. Sheriff Miller.”
Sheriff Miller ti
ps his head, smiling. Dom, however, grins widely at me, and takes my hand in his hold.
“Hey. It’s nice to meet you, Lena. James says I’m on duty to help make sure you and the little one stay nice and safe. Also, to help you move but—that’s the overall picture. He’s pretty big on that.”
My eyes flick to James, who’s avoiding my gaze and… Blushing a little?
I smile.
“Thank you. Come in. I’ve started packing up a few things, but I still need to get some stuff in order.”