by Bea Paige
I choke on a laugh as she assesses me. Amber still has my sketch pad clutched against her chest as though she’s protecting Luka’s drawing from me. She’s right to, because given half the chance I’d rip it from her hands and tear it into tiny pieces.
“Okay then,” I say before my brain has caught up with the words blurting from my lips.
“Okay then, what?” she presses.
“You can see more of my artwork. Come to my house tomorrow. Ms Hadley will show you to my studio.”
“Ms Hadley? Where is your house exactly?”
I crook my finger. Urging her to climb up on the turnstile. She clambers up, her bare thighs pressing against the wood whilst her fingertips steady herself.
“Where?” she asks again.
I point to the direction of the manor.
“I’m staying with a friend. Come tomorrow at midday. I’ll be waiting for you.”
With that I turn on my heel and walk up the slope. Amber calls out behind me.
“Aren’t you going to tell me your name?”
I swivel on my feet. “If you turn up tomorrow, I will.”
Her laughter follows me all the way home.
Chapter Seven
Rose – present day
Anton looks at me heavily. The weight of his memory dissolving the brief glimpse of happiness in talking about a woman who clearly meant something to him.
“Amber is the woman you hurt?” It’s an obvious bloody question, but the way he recalls their first meeting makes me question how he could hurt someone he clearly holds in such high regard.
Anton nods his head. He can barely look me in the eye, his absolute conviction that he’s a monster is etched into the deep lines of his frown. Yet, nothing he’s said so far has given me any reason to believe he is, even though the pain in his eyes and his body language is telling me otherwise.
“Why her?” I ask.
I’m not certain why that’s the most pressing question I have. I should probably be pushing him to tell me what he did, but right now I want to know why he chose this young woman who sounds like someone I could be friends with.
Free-spirited, that’s what she seems like to me. Something about that calls to me.
I’ve never really fit. I’ve always been the child who was too curious for her own good, the teenager who sought out danger when she had no right to, and the adult who feeds the demon inside with men who could ruin her.
“Why her?” I repeat, suddenly feeling protective of this woman I don’t know.
“Because Amber saw something in me. Because I saw something in her, something I wanted.”
“And what was that?”
Anton pushes his semi-dried hair back off his face. It has a slight kink to it that I hadn’t noticed before. The tawny colour of his hair and the large orbs of his dark eyes reminding me of an owl. He certainly looks at me with the same kind of intensity. There is a sharpness to his gaze, an inherent need to capture, just like an owl hunting a mouse.
“Her ability to see.”
Anton watches me carefully, waiting for me to react. But how can I react to something I don’t understand. What does he mean exactly?
“That night after Erik was taken to the hospital, you asked the same of me. You asked me to be your muse, that you needed me to see. Explain to me what you meant. I need to understand, because as far as I can tell being your muse isn’t just about me inspiring your art or helping you pick the right colours. There’s more to it than that, isn’t there?”
He shakes his head. “No. That’s exactly what I wanted from Amber… at least at first. I wanted her to help me use colour correctly in my art. I wanted her to inspire me. She was so vibrant, intuitive, so full of fucking sunshine that I thought some would rub off on me… It didn’t and so my desire changed into something else, something hateful.”
There was so much hidden in that confession that I have to pick it apart bit by bit, starting with the fact that he’s referring to Amber in the past tense. What exactly did he do to her?
“Was?” I ask, trying to disguise the first tendrils of fear in my voice.
“Yes, was.”
The air fills with a thick, billowing tension and suddenly I find it hard to breathe, so I don’t. I hold my breath and wait for him to starve me of more oxygen.
“Amber died six months after we met.”
I flinch, dragging in a thick choking breath. Black spots appear in my vision as I try to absorb what he’s said.
“Amber no longer lives…” he begins.
“You killed her?!” I rear upwards, my body reacting before my brain can catch up.
Anton stands too. He reaches for me, but I step away from him. “What the fuck did you do?” I hate that my voice quavers with fear.
He fucking killed her?
“No, No! You’ve got it wrong. She’s still alive!” he responds frantically, crowding me with his body.
There’s fear in his gaze too, but there’s also desperation. Desperate men are more dangerous than any other. The blood on my dead father’s hands is proof enough of that.
I back away from him quickly, stumbling over my own feet until I hit the wall.
“Amber isn’t dead… though she may as well be.” Anton’s voice cracks at the admission.
“What do you mean?” I ask tightly. As fucked up as it is, I’m equally drawn to his pain as I’m frightened by it.
“I destroyed Amber. I stole her light, her vibrancy. I ruined her. Damn it, Rose. I told you to run. Why the fuck didn’t you listen?”
Anton crowds me, forcing me to move along the wall in my need to get away. My back hits the cold windowpane. I try to scoot around him, but his hands fly out trapping me against the glass. He isn’t touching me, but he may as well be. Everything about him in this moment is too much. The way he’s looking right into the deepest darkest depths of me, the heat from his body matching the heat from mine, even the feel of his breath against my skin.
I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
“Why do you stay?” he whispers.
It’s not a question he expects an answer to, but I answer it anyway. I drag in a breath, drawing on desperate oxygen. My fingers grip onto the window ledge, clutching it tightly. “Because I believe I can help.”
Because I can’t stay away, because fucked-up is my drug, my obsession. Because if someone is more broken than me it gives me hope.
“I want to believe that, Rose. I want to more than anything. I can see what you’ve done for Ivan, but how the fuck can you help me?”
“I have to try…”
“I will ruin you. I won’t be able to help myself. I know what I’m capable of. I know what you mean to Ivan, what you could mean to Erik, but I’m willing to fuck that all up so that I get what I want. ”
“What do you want?”
“Colour… I don’t want to be a ghost anymore. I’m barely fucking living, Rose.”
“You’re searching for the impossible.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
“You destroyed Amber in the pursuit of an impossibility?” I whisper.
He squeezes his eyes shut briefly before opening them again. “Yes. That’s my sin, Rose. My fucking obsession.”
“And you’re willing to do that again, to me?”
Anton leans down, pressing his forehead against my own. His warm breath puffing against my skin. He steals my oxygen, just the same as I steal his.
“I can’t be a ghost anymore,” he repeats.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek, drawing blood. I should probably run. He’s told me so many times to run. But I can’t.
I can’t.
I look at Anton and see Roman’s black eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t save Roman, but maybe, just maybe I can save this man from himself.
“Run, Rose. Get out of here.” Anton whispers, stepping aside, making room for me.
I glance at the door. It’s just a few steps away, but I know already there’s no
point.
“Why? You’ll only chase me.”
Anton shudders with the truth of my words. “How?”
“How do I know that you’ll chase me?”
Anton nods sharply, his muscles tensing beneath his tight top.
I laugh, but it isn’t filled with joy and happiness, it’s filled with recognition that comes from a place of experience. It’s filled with dark bitterness.
“I knew a man like you. I loved a man like you. He was dangerous. He told me once to run, but he didn’t mean it either. He almost destroyed me with his obsession, with his form of love, and I would have let him. I wanted to take everything he dished out because the thing is, he was my drug, my obsession. The only reason I survived was because my father killed him first.”
“What?!” Anton flinches, stumbling slightly.
I ignore his shock and carry on. I need to say this. “You were right about me, Anton. I carry secrets just like you. You said once that within me you see yourself and you were right. I knew dangerous men. I loved one and I watched the other die not doing anything to help save him. You see, Anton, I’ve killed too.”
Anton doubles over, his hands gripping onto his knees as he dry heaves. I wait for him to get a hold of himself. He rises slowly and turns to face me. I look into his dark eyes and ask him the question that’s burning my lips.
“Tell me, Anton. If Amber is alive, why did you say she died six months after you met?”
“Because the Amber I knew is lost to the prison of her mind… She’s locked up in a care home for the clinically insane sixty miles from here.”
“Jesus Christ, Anton.”
“Amber is dead in every way apart from physically and I’m responsible. I sucked every last bit of vitality, of colour from her, leaving just a pale apparition of the person she once was. I knowingly drove her insane in my selfish pursuit for the impossible. She was a beautiful person and I fucking destroyed her bit by bit. I plucked away at her, feasting on the very essence of her. It was all for nothing. I gained nothing, and Amber lost everything. She’s dead, a ghost, a fucking shell.”
My lungs constrict and this time it’s my turn to fight for breath. Anton watches me as I battle to gain control of myself. He doesn’t try to comfort me, just like I didn’t try to comfort him.
“Was it worth it?” I eventually ask, trying to hold my voice steady.
“No, of course it wasn’t.”
“Yet despite that, you’re willing to do the same to me too?”
Anton doesn’t respond. His silence is answer enough.
Drawing myself up to my full height, I breathe deeply, letting out the stress, the panic, the fear. I made a promise to myself, and despite the very real danger Anton presents to me I remain.
“Tell me how you destroyed her,” I demand.
He flinches.
“You’ll run…” his voice trails off. There’s a hunger in his eyes. He can deny it all he likes, but this man loves the hunt. It’s part of who he is.
I see that now, and I’m determined to remain. I won’t become the mouse waiting to be snatched up in his deadly claws and devoured. I won’t give in to the chase. I shall remain steadfast. Lifting my chin and gritting my jaw I refuse to take my eyes off Anton.
“Tell me what happened to Amber. Tell me what you did. Tell me how you killed her.”
Anton swears under his breath.
“Better yet, take me to her.”
“What?” he snaps, his eyes widening.
“You heard me, Anton. I want to meet Amber, and on the way you can tell me how you stole her soul, so I can prevent you from stealing mine.”
Chapter Eight
“Wait a minute,” Ivan grasps my hand, stopping me from sliding into the backseat next to Anton. He pushes the door shut on his best friend giving us a moment alone.
“What, Ivan?”
“Are you certain about this?” he questions, the darkness of his brows pulling together shielding his eyes from the misty rain that has begun to fall.
“You wanted Anton to tell me everything, and he’s doing that. But I need to see with my own eyes what he’s capable of, Ivan. I have to do that for me.”
“Isn’t it enough that he tells you? Can’t you make a judgement based on that, Rose?”
I reach up and brush the dark hair of Ivan’s fringe out of his eyes. My throat tightens at the worry I see sparkling in them and I want more than anything to tell him that I’ll survive this, that if I’m strong enough to help him, then I’m strong enough to help Anton too.
But promises are easily broken, and I won’t make a promise that I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep. There’s so much about Anton that pecks at my resolve to be untouchable, detached. I can’t compartmentalise my feelings as easily with him as I can with Ivan. Ivan is my submissive in the bedroom, my boss in the office and my friend at every other time. He fits easily into those roles, just as much as I do. We both need those distinctions to survive each other.
“I won’t let Anton hurt you,” he whispers.
“Ivan, I need to see for myself the damage he’s inflicted. I need to look it in the eye. I need to understand just what I’m dealing with.” My voice wobbles, betraying me.
I don’t usually succumb to fear, I own it. So why the fuck am I so afraid?
Perhaps it’s because Anton has admitted to sending Amber into the depths of madness, perhaps it’s because I have a sense of foreboding that lingers just as much as the mist surrounding us does.
What the fuck did he do to her?
Those questions will only be answered when I come face to face with the woman he destroyed. I need to look her in the eyes. I need to see her insanity for myself.
“Rose, you can still walk away.”
“If I did that, I would be walking away from you, from Erik too. Is that what you want?”
Besides, I’ve already established that Anton will chase me no matter what, though I refuse to say this to Ivan. He doesn’t need to know just how far Anton will go to get what he wants.
Ivan reaches for me, his hand hovering over mine. He wants to touch me, and despite my rules I let him because I need him to touch me too. Stepping forward I walk into his arms, letting him wrap them around me. I’m aware that I’m crossing a boundary here. Physical touch isn’t permitted between us when it isn’t confined to a private space, but right now I need a damn hug. I breathe in the musky male scent that is Ivan, and I feel some of the smoke that is Anton leave my lungs.
Leaning my head back I look up into his stormy eyes and part my lips. Needing one more thing whilst I steel my resolve. I need to feel the strength that is Domina, the woman I become when I’m alone with him, because so far she’s evaded me when I’ve been with Anton.
“Kiss me, Ivan. Give me what I need so I can face what I’m about to see.”
Ivan doesn’t hesitate.
His hands cup my head as he crashes his lips against mine, his tongue spearing my lips. I blot out everything apart from the way he makes me feel in this moment. When we’re alone his attention is solely on me and me alone. I relish the private time we spend together when I make demands, and he relinquishes control. Every request I have, he fulfils. There is nothing he won’t do in the bedroom.
Ivan backs me against the car, not caring that Patrick can see or that Anton is waiting for me. I allow him the dominance of this kiss. I allow him to stoke the demon within my chest, prodding her to life with his probing tongue and sharp teeth against my lip. Ivan understands what I’m about to walk into, he knows what Anton did to Amber and as he reaches up under my jumper to squeeze my breast knowing that such an act will provoke my demon and bring forth Domina.
I force him back, panting.
“I gave you permission to kiss me, not touch me like that, Ivan. There’ll be consequences when I return.”
Ivan steps back, his chest heaving in time with my own ragged breaths. “I will take the punishment gladly, Domina.”
He drops his gaze, but not
before I catch the satisfaction in his. I know what he’s doing, he’s arming me the best way he knows how and I’m grateful for it.
“Be ready for me when I return,” I respond before turning on my heel and opening the door.
When I slide onto the warm leather seat, Anton is looking at me with interest.
“What?”
“Does he know about the secret you’ve been hiding?” Anton asks just as Patrick slides into the driver’s seat in front. He glances at me in the rear view mirror then presses a button on the dashboard. A blackened glass screen rises in the panel behind him giving us some privacy.
“No,” I respond, as we pull out of the drive.
I look out of the window, my eyes fixed on Ivan as he watches us leave, the mist swallowing him the further we move away. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have run instead of stepping into this car with Anton?
“Should I ask Patrick to stop the car?” Anton asks, reading my indecision.
“Absolutely not,” I respond sharply.
I need to be better at covering my emotions with him. They’re a currency that I’m not willing to barter with. Not with Anton. We fall silent, the tension between us thick and cloying. Out of the corner of my eye I see Anton pull a joint from his jacket pocket. He places it in his mouth and lights it. The familiar sickly sweet smell sucking even more oxygen from the confined space. I press my finger against the switch, opening the window enough to let the smoke out and fresh air in.
“Is that really necessary?”
Anton laughs darkly. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve not seen Amber since her parents chucked me out that last time I dared visit her a few months back. I need this to get me through. To take the edge off.”
“You visit her?” I snap my head around, avoiding eye contact until this moment.
“That surprises you?”
“After what you admitted, yes, it surprises me. Why would you do that?”
“She doesn’t know I’m there. I’m just another face she doesn’t recognise.”
“Are you hoping she will one day, is that it? Do you think that she’ll suddenly wake up and be the girl you once admired before destroying her?”