by Bea Paige
“Your father?”
“How did you know?”
“I remember our conversation in your studio. He sounds like a real piece of work,” I say, not bothering to hide my dislike.
“He’s certainly that.”
“Want to talk about it?” I offer.
Anton takes off his woolly hat and shoves a hand through his still wet hair, before plonking it back on. “No. The less time I think about that man, the better.”
“The offer’s there,” I respond.
Anton gives me a suspicious look “Come on, Patrick’s waiting, and if he’s late for Ms Hadley, there’ll be consequences.”
I snort. “Ms Hadley can walk back for all I care.”
“Look, I appreciate your interest in my work, but I really need to see Erik… and you really need to have a bath.” He wrinkles his nose in jest, and I punch him on the arm.
“Shit,” he responds rubbing the spot I just hit him. Real pain creases the skin around his eyes and mouth.
“Sorry!” I apologise. “I didn’t think.”
“I’m still a little bit sensitive, not quite back in my skin yet.”
“I know how that feels,” I reply with a grimace.
Anton stops in front of a door right at the end of the long corridor.
“This is Erik,” he says, selecting a key from the bunch he’s used to open and close all the other doors we’ve passed through to get here. He turns to me, an unreadable expression on his face.
“What is it?”
“Aside from Ivan, Erik is my oldest friend. Before the shit that happened to him, he was a good man. Fucking incredible actually. He wasn’t ever fucked up like Ivan and me. We always had a dark side, Rose. Erik didn’t, so it makes what happened to him so much harder to bear.”
I frown.
“I know you might find it hard to believe, but everything beyond this door is a choice made by Erik. Remember that when you go into this room, okay?”
“Okay,” I respond, a sudden thread of anxiety spiking in my stomach.
Anton reaches up to press his finger against my bottom lip. It’s a random thing to do in the moment and throws me off guard. He doesn’t smile this time, just stares at me with those dark brown eyes. They’re a real representation of the bottomless emptiness I feel most days. But instead of running from it, I want to dive right in.
“I want to kiss you so badly, Rose,” he says, his gaze dropping from my eyes to my lips that have now parted on a sudden intake of breath. He steps closer, so close that I can feel the still lingering fever emanating from his skin. The tip of his nose brushes against mine.
“I’ve dreamed of nothing else but that searing kiss you gave me in the car and an ocean echoing with secrets. I’ve felt cast adrift ever since that moment. Was that intentional, Rose?”
“Anton…” I begin but realise he doesn’t want an answer when he presses his whole finger over my mouth forcing me to listen.
“Every time I awoke, there you were, caring for me.” He shakes his head as though he can’t quite believe it. “After everything I told you, after meeting Amber and seeing for yourself the capacity I have to harm a person, you still helped me. I will forever be in your debt, Rose.”
I let out a nervous laugh before I can stop it. That pulls a dazzling smile from Anton that I must armour myself against. Suddenly breathing isn’t so easy around him.
“I was counting on it,” I manage to say, steeling myself.
He cocks his head to the side, his finger dropping. “I see. You help me, I owe you, right?”
“Partly,” I respond honestly. “But I told you, it’s what I do.”
“Fix the broken?”
“No, cut myself open on their shattered edges. I’m attracted to the darkness as much as you’re obsessed with the need for colour to brighten your own.”
“Except the kind of darkness that keeps you locked up.”
“Except that, yes…”
“That’s why you reacted so strongly that night when Ivan introduced you to Erik, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” I confirm. “The thought of Erik locked up here brought back some unwelcome memories. Cerulean Blue was my prison. It’s nothing more than a wreckage now, decaying slowly in the harbour. One day it will be gone for good, lost to the sea. Maybe then I’ll find peace.”
Anton considers me, and as he does a strange kind of calm settles over my skin. I made this choice to be here with these men and I do so now with the knowledge of an adult and not the innocence of a child. I’m not a fool, I understand the risk I take, and the very real possibility Anton could renege on his promise, but I’m here regardless. It’s what makes me say what I do next because, ultimately, I need this from him.
“Kiss me, Anton. Don’t hold back.”
His surprise would’ve made me laugh if he hadn’t drawn me into his arms and kissed the breath from my body. He doesn’t back me up against the wall like Ivan had the first time we kissed. He draws me against his chest, his arms wrapping around me tightly. So tight that I’m on the verge of breathlessness before he’s even taken my mouth with his. By the time he’s finished devouring my mouth, we are both panting, flushed and more than a little aroused.
“You kiss like it’s the last kiss you’ll ever receive, why is that?” I ask, stepping out of his hold.
“Because it might be…”
He leaves that confession hanging in the air as he knocks on Erik’s door, leaving me with even more questions, not less.
“Who is it?” Erik asks, his deep voice somehow resonating in my chest even with a wall between us.
“It's Anton. I have Rose with me. Can I unlock the door, Erik?” Anton asks. He glances at me, giving me a look of concern. I know I should be scared, but I’m not.
“Just give me a minute,” Erik asks.
The deep timbre of his voice has a warmth pooling in my chest. I must give my feelings away because, for the briefest of moments, I see something close to jealousy flicker in Anton’s eyes, but it’s gone before I can even be certain it was there in the first place.
“We can come back another time?” Anton says through the still locked door.
“No, I want to see her.”
Anton turns from me, unlocking the door and removing the key. “Remember what I said. He’s a good man dealt a shitty hand.”
“Of course.”
Anton enters the room first, and I follow him inside, my head lowered, an automatic reaction around Erik now. The hair on my arm prickles the second I feel his gaze fall on me.
“Good to see you, Rose,” he says, and this time his voice sounds different, as though muffled behind an impenetrable wall.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Anton
Having monochromatism is a fucking drain, never more so when I see things other people miss. Like the minute ticking in Erik’s jaw and the slight widening of his eyes as he takes in Rose. He’s more outwardly relaxed than I’ve ever seen him, and yet just those two tiny physical reactions to Rose tells me that his control is stretched thin today. I’m a fucking idiot.
“This is going to be brief, Erik. I wanted to check you’ve been looked after, and I wanted to apologise for the shit I’ve put you through.”
Erik folds his arms across his chest and drags his gaze from Rose, who is quiet and submissive behind me. In my peripheral vision I can see that her head is bowed, her hands clasped in front of her. There’s a definite distinction with her behaviour when she’s around him. It fascinates me.
“I appreciate the apology, Ant. But next time you get fucked up as badly as that I’ll make certain you’re slung in the nearest rehab centre and locked away until you can get your shit straight once and for all.”
“That’s fair.”
Erik nods, then returns his attention back to Rose. “I understand it’s you I have to thank for looking after Ant?”
Rose doesn’t respond.
“You’re free to look at me, to talk, Rose. I have no hold over you. You’re safe,”
he adds as an afterthought.
She steps forward, and I hold my arm out in front of her, my hand grasping her arm in warning. It’s enough to stop her from stepping closer to Erik. She may be lulled into a false sense of security by his command, but I know better. I know Erik.
“I stayed with Anton. I made sure he was looked after,” she responds, sensibly maintaining a lowered gaze.
“Why?” Erik asks.
I take a step closer to Rose, my hand sliding down her arm. I grasp her hand, squeezing it gently. A silent message that I hope she understands.
Be careful.
“Because I could.”
“That’s not an answer.”
She tries again. “Because there wasn’t anyone else.”
“Ah, yes. Ivan left for Moscow and my mother, who knows where… By all accounts Ivan left because you asked him to, so my question remains. Why, Rose?”
“You don’t have to answer. It doesn’t matter. We should leave now,” I say, sliding my body in front of her a little. That raises a growl from Erik. Rose stiffens.
“No, it’s okay. Erik wants to know and I’m happy to tell him. I’ve nothing to hide.”
Still with a lowered gaze, she turns her body back towards him.
“Because he has something I want, and I have something he needs,” Rose murmurs.
For a fraction of a second time stills and I see everything in slow motion. Erik lunges forward. Rose lifts her head, then anger, real anger, scatters across her features.
“What the fuck is this?” Rose shouts, rounding on me.
“This is what keeps Erik safe. This is what keeps you safe.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? This is another fucking prison! You said he was just confined to his room, not this! I’m not okay with this.” She snatches her arm out of my grasp and walks towards the twenty foot glass box Erik is confined in. A room within a room. Just like he wanted.
“Let him out. NOW!” she shouts, a round of expletives exploding from her mouth.
“Rose!” Erik rumbles, but she can’t hear him in her blazing anger.
“What the fuck is wrong with you all? After everything he’s been through. After everything I said? You’ve got him in a glass bubble for every bastard to scrutinise?”
“ROSE!”
This time she stops. Turning her attention back to Erik.
“Enough. I’m okay with this,” he says, stepping close to the wall of glass and placing his hand flat against it.
“You’re a prisoner,” she croaks.
“Of my own volition. I had this fitted after I almost hurt Fran. I could’ve killed her. Luckily, I had the sense of mind to stab myself and not her. I choose this. When I feel out of control I step inside this box. It keeps me sane.”
“How? When? I’ve been here all this time.”
“Not all the time, not every weekend. You’d be surprised how quick something like this can go up.”
Rose glances at me, her face drawn. “I don’t understand. How is this any better than a cage?”
I sigh, regretting another stupid decision I’ve made. What idiotic part of me thought she’d be ready to accept this, given everything she’s told me?
“I needed a safe place, Rose. I still do. This is it. Like a puppy feels safe in a crate, I feel safe in here. Your anger is unwarranted. This was my doing, Neither Anton nor Ivan wanted this for me.”
“Puppies are conditioned to feel safe in a crate. Give them a treat, in they go. Offer them a toy to chew, in they go. You’re conditioning yourself to feel safe in this glass bubble preventing yourself from feeling safe outside it. This is wrong.”
“It’s all I have right now,” Erik murmurs.
“But we’ve been in the same room twice since that night you had an episode. You endured both occasions in my company. You never hurt me, so why is this necessary? Explain that to me,” Rose demands, not backing down.
“I had medication to help, to numb the memories. I’ve stopped taking them. I don’t want to rely on synthetic help to get better, Rose. There are other options I’m exploring, this is one of them. It’s better this way. For everyone, including me.”
“Fuck that! Take the damn medication. Do anything else, but don’t do this. You are not an animal in a zoo, or a circus freak on display waiting to be gawked at. You’re a human being, and you don’t deserve this life. This cage might not have bars, but it’s still a damn cage!”
“Rose, we should’ve told you…” I say, stepping up beside her.
She leans her forehead against the glass wall and raises her hand against the coldness. “He’s a prisoner,” she says, unable to control the emotion in her voice. “Both you and Ivan kept this from me.”
“He wanted to tell you, I did too. I guess deep down it’s why I brought you here today. You wanted the truth, Rose. This is it, in all its ugliness. The last truth. Now you know everything that I can tell you. I’ve laid myself bare. I’ve kept that promise to you.”
“What the fuck am I doing?” she groans, clutching at her stomach.
“You had the option of walking away multiple times… yet you stayed. We both know why that is, Rose. You can’t tell me that even a small, tiny part of you isn’t drawn to the tragic beauty of Erik in this box.”
“No!” she retorts sharply, turning on me. “I might be drawn to Erik, but not his imprisonment!” she repeats, pressing her finger into my chest. “I would never ever be attracted to this.”
Yet the way her eyes keep flicking back to Erik tell me a different story. Confined to this room she can feast her eyes upon him knowing that the danger he presents is trapped safely behind glass walls. Erik paces up and down. His agitation growing. The calmness she showed around him before has disappeared in her anger and as a result it’s having a negative effect on my friend.
“What the hell is wrong with you all?”
I draw up beside Rose and take her face in my hands. “Many, many things, Rose. But isn’t that the point?” I brush my lips against hers, my tongue feathering across her bottom lip. She doesn’t try to break away, instead she presses against me and welcomes my tongue into the warmth of her mouth.
I draw back suddenly and, gripping her chin, force her to look at Erik, really look. Her chest heaves as I lean over and whisper in her ear. “There’s nothing more enticing than wanting something you’re never able to have. I live with that desire every damn day, Rose. So does Erik. Ivan too before he met you. He is that rare butterfly caught in a glass jar, the wild animal kept in a cage at a zoo. He’s everything you’ve said. The difference is, he chooses to be here.”
Erik stands in the middle of the cube watching our exchange. On the floor in the far corner is an unmade futon bed, opposite an armchair and lamp. Beside the lamp is a stack of books, a pair of reading glasses and his beloved violin. Behind him, on the far glass wall, is a door.
It’s open.
Rose has failed to notice that one important fact. The only person who has the power to open and close that door is Erik and he’s holding the control in his hand right now.
“Rose, listen to me,” Erik says, pressing his forehead up against the glass wall separating them. “I’m learning to deal with the memories that haunt me. Whether you like it or not, this is helping me to do that. One day, I’ll escape the prison of my past and I’ll finally be free.” He holds out his hand, showing her the control.
“What’s that?” she asks, her voice no more than a whisper.
“This opens and locks that door,” he says pointing over his shoulder.
Rose’s eyes widen as she realises that all this time we’ve been talking, he’s been able to walk free, that I was telling her the truth.
“I’m not a prisoner. This is my choice. My only choice right now. Do you understand, Rose? Don’t blame Ivan and Anton for something they didn’t want. Blame me for not getting better sooner.”
“It’s not your fault,” she protests.
“Don’t presume to know a thing about me,
Rose. My past is as fucked-up as theirs. I’m just better at keeping it hidden.” His gaze flicks to me and for one horrifying moment I realise that he isn’t just talking about the torture he endured, he’s talking about that other time.
“Erik?” I question. Is he finally going to share what happened?
“No!” He says abruptly. Lifting the control, he aims it at the door. Within a matter of seconds, it clicks shut. Rose stares at Erik, drinking him in as though parched of water, not able to take her eyes off him, not understanding the conversation left unsaid. Erik chucks the control on the bed, pulling off his top to reveal a sculptured chest and abs. The tiny scar from his stab wound barely visible now. He stands watching her, watching him.
“Go with Anton. Finish off what you’ve started. Do it for him, for you. When you return, I’ll be waiting. Goodbye, Rose.” He flicks his gaze to me, giving me a silent stare that only I know how to decipher, then lays down on his bed and closes his eyes. My throat constricts. I know that look. He’s saying goodbye, but why?
Placing my hand in the small of Rose’s back, I guide her towards the door. She moves without complaint, shock rendering her compliant. Where’s that strong woman now? Her vulnerability is as stark as it’s shocking.
“There’s one more thing,” Erik says, stopping us both in our tracks. “Everyone has a weakness you can exploit. Ivan’s is his guilt, Anton his addictions… mine is my freedom, and yours, Rose, is the darkness.”
“How did you…” she starts, but he cuts her off.
“I’m not the only observant man in this house, Rose. I’ve had a lot of time to read, to learn about the human psyche. Besides, Ivan cares enough about you to want to figure out how to help you. We’ve had many discussions about you, Rose. Protect yourself. Do what’s necessary to survive.” He glances at me then, and the message is clear.
I grind my teeth, my fingers curling into Rose’s jacket. Just like Ivan, he’s giving me a warning and I both loathe him and love him for it.
Trouble is, it’s too damn late. We’re on a path that has only one outcome. Like a train unable to stop, we are hurtling towards a messy end.