Oh God, please don’t let her be telling him.
I knew I should’ve just told him that first day when he was such an asshole to me. That would have shocked him so much he wouldn’t have been able to come on to me anymore.
The rest of the meeting goes by uneventfully, and when Reed finally dismisses us, I have three pages in my notebook full of things he wants to implement and another page full of ideas on how the company can. I will probably never show them to anyone, but at least I’m coming up with things, and maybe one day I’ll show them to Ryker or maybe even Fallon. She can show them to Reed for me. Less chance of rejection that way.
Ryker’s gaze swings around the room as people move around him, and I know he’s searching for me. I can’t deal with him right now, not until I know for sure if I’m having his baby, so I duck into the crowd and sneak out through the door. Just before I leave the room, I look back and see him engrossed in conversation with Andi. I want to know what she’s saying to him, but I also don’t want to be anywhere nearby if she spills what she thinks she knows.
Instead of waiting for the elevator with everyone else going to all the other floors, I shove open the door to the stairs and practically fly down the one flight to my floor. When I reach my desk, the floor is still mostly empty, so I grab my purse out of my desk and hope Ryker is still waylaid by Andi so I don’t meet him when the elevator doors open to let everyone out.
I sigh in relief when he’s not in the rush of people escaping the elevator and I’m able to get inside and press the button that will take me down to the lobby. I sag against the back wall and let out a deep sigh of relief. I still mentally keep my fingers crossed that he doesn’t somehow catch on to me leaving and make it down to the main entrance before I do, but my luck holds when the doors slide open. He’s nowhere around, so I rush out into the crush of people on the street and disappear.
* * *
Standing in front of the display, I study all the different choices available, not knowing which I should pick. Do I get the one that just has two lines, or one that spells it out for you when the result pops up? Should I get more than one, just in case the first test doesn’t work? They sell them in packs of two or three, too, and it’s all so overwhelming.
Know what else kills me? The pregnancy tests are in the same spot as the tampons and the condoms. Really? So, the same aisle I get the stuff for my period also houses the things that prevent pregnancy and the things that prove it. How bizarre. I shake my head, wondering how I could’ve been so stupid to let things get this far? I should’ve told him. I should’ve revealed myself to him.
After standing in front of the display for more time than I’ll ever admit, I grab three different boxes using the eenie, meenie, miney, moe method and shove them in the basket I’m gripping in my other hand. Just in case, I also add a pack of tampons, a box of condoms, and enough bags of chocolate candy to hide all of it before heading for the checkout. I’m not taking any chances.
The cashier gives me a weird look when she gets to the bottom, but doesn’t comment on my choices. That’s probably a good thing, because I’m freaking out so hard I’m not sure if I would break down in tears or bite her head off.
Once I pay for my purchases, I leave, not ready to go back to my apartment yet, though I don’t have anywhere else to go either. The thought of taking these tests terrifies me, but I know I need to just get it over with so I know…so I can come up with some kind of plan.
How do you tell your boss that you slept together, but that he just doesn’t remember it?
Even better, how do you tell him he knocked you up during that unable-to-remember sex?
Fuck. My. Life.
Chapter Fourteen
Ryker
Where did she go? I turn in circles, trying to catch a glimpse of Ava, but it’s as if she’s disappeared. It doesn’t help that there are so many fucking people in this room it’s probably a fire hazard. Damn my brother and his “mandatory” meetings about shit no one cares about.
“Ryker?” It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes when she says my name. My name dripping from her lips makes my stomach tighten, and not in a good way. I don’t want to hear anything Andi has to say after the bullshit she was whispering in my ear when the meeting first started.
The woman—and I use the term loosely—tried to tell me that Ava isn’t who I think she is, like she knows what goes through my head. She may have fucked my brother once or twice, but I damn sure never went there, and I never will.
As much as I hate Reed singling me out in front of the employees, I’m glad he did this time. It made Andi sit up straight and leave me alone because everyone was looking at us. I know the reason she did it was to get a reaction out of either me or Ava, but she got nothing—at least not from me.
“Ryker?” Her tone turns whiny, and the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound makes me cringe.
I turn to look down at her, and in as cold a voice as I can muster, I ask, “What do you want, Andi?”
Her lips turn down in a pout, and she looks up at me with what I’m sure are supposed to be puppy dog eyes, but the expression on her is so damn fake. There’s nothing sweet or meek about this woman, and trying to act like there is rubs me the wrong way.
Her hand strokes my bicep, and I have to work at not ripping it off my body. Not that it would deter her, because not even my stiff posture is doing that. Andi just leans in closer, so close I can smell her cloying perfume, while she continues to give me what she thinks is a seductive look.
“Are you hungry?” Her tongue darts out over her lips, while her eyes hone in on my lips.
What the fuck? That question is totally out of left field, and before I can control my mouth, I ask the same thing out loud. Andi looks offended for a second, but it’s gone just as fast as it appeared, and she’s looking up at me with a sugar-sweet expression once more.
“It’s just, I’m hungry, and I figured if you were too…” she trails off, probably waiting for me to finish the thought, but I continue to stare down at her, my lips pressed together tightly so I don’t say what I’m thinking and end up in HR later today. When she sees I’m not falling for it, she sighs, the look on her face turning to irritation. I half expect her to stomp her foot, but she doesn’t. “Fine,” she says with a huff. “I thought if you were hungry and I was too, maybe we could eat together.”
The look on her face is hopeful, completely at odds with her expression, and I shrug her off. “Sorry, Andi. I need to go check on Ava. She hasn’t been feeling well lately.”
“That’s because she’s a damn whore,” Andi mutters under her breath, and when I hear her, I spin around and grip her arms tightly, pulling her into me and letting her see the rage her words have inspired. This time, her eyes go round, but not in a way that’s supposed to be beguiling. She’s scared, and I’m glad.
“Don’t ever talk about Ava that way again. Do you hear me?” She nods her head, the movement so fast she looks like a damn bobble head. The thought would make me laugh, if I wasn’t so enraged. “Good.” I release her arms, but not until I move her out of my way so I can go after Ava.
When I get to Ava’s desk, her purse and cardigan are both gone. I try calling her cell, but it goes straight to voicemail. Panic churns in my belly. How am I supposed to find her now?
Just as I have the thought, my phone rings in my hand, and I look down to see Fallon’s name on the screen. Swiping to answer, I put the phone up to my ear and say hello.
“Hey. Reed, Remy and I are going to get food. Wanna come?” She sounds so sweet, and any other time I would say yes, but tonight I can’t. I need to find Ava and get to the bottom of what’s bothering her. Fuck Fallon telling me to wait. I have to do what my heart and mind are telling me to.
I have to find Ava.
“Are you at your desk?” I don’t answer her question, and I can tell asking one of my own startles her by the stammered yes that comes through the speaker.
“Don’t leave yet. I’ll be r
ight there.”
I don’t bother waiting for the elevator, opting to run up the stairs instead. When I get to her desk, I’m breathing hard and I can feel the sweat dripping down the back of my neck. Fallon looks up at me like I’m crazy, but I couldn’t care less about that right now.
“Do you have Ava’s address?” I ask, barely getting the words out I’m so breathless.
Her head tips to the side and she doesn’t immediately answer.
“Damn it, Fallon. Do you have it?” My frustration mounts with every passing second.
The desperation in my voice gets through to her, and she nods. “Yes, I think I still have it. Why?”
“That doesn’t matter right now. Will you give it to me?” I plead.
Her eyes narrow on me. “Not if you won’t tell me why. I’m not going to help you do something to hurt her again. If she wanted you to have it, she’d give it to you herself.”
My hands are clenched into fists, and before I realize I’m going to do it, I slam one down on her desk, making her jump. “Goddammit!” Fallon’s eyes widen, and any other time I’d feel bad for scaring her, but right now I don’t care about anything but Ava. “Please, Fallon. She didn’t look good today, and she won’t tell me what’s wrong. I just want to check on her.”
* * *
I hate how pleading my voice sounds right now, and how weak I look desperately asking for a woman’s address that I have no right knowing, but considering Fallon starts writing something down on a piece of paper then hands it to me, I don’t care. Looking down at the paper, I memorize her address and leave without saying thank you.
No one answers the door at Ava’s apartment, no matter how hard I beat my fists against the wooden door, and after waiting a few minutes, I finally leave. I’ll give her a little time to get home, but I’ll be back.
I get back in my car and drive around aimlessly, not paying any attention to where I’m going until I pull up at the gate of the cemetery where my parents are buried. Hesitating for a few minutes, I don’t know if I want to go in or drive to the nearest bar. My foot makes the decision for me, and I drive through the gates before I can stop myself.
Coming to a stop at the end of the row where their graves are, I cut off the car and clench the steering wheel. I haven’t been here since the funeral, and I’m not sure why I’m here now.
It takes me a few minutes before I can force myself out of the vehicle and make my way slowly toward the marker that tells me where to find my parents. I come to a stop in front of the dark-gray marble and look down at their names.
ALICE JANE AND CLARK ALAN WINSTON
Her born and death dates are so close together. Mom was only thirty-seven when she died, while Dad was in his fifties. Even though it’s been twelve years since her death, the pain is just as fresh now as it was the day we watched her take her last breath.
Cancer sucks, but it’s unbearable when it takes the life of the person you love most. Watching my mom become a shell of the person she was, I can’t even describe how hard it was. Our mom was always smiling, always laughing, always doing something…until she couldn’t. Tears prick my eyes, as I realize this is the very first time I’ve ever visited her grave. The heartache of losing her was just too much to bear.
I run my hands against the cold marble, tracing over the letters. I have so many memories of watching her dance around the kitchen while she cooked, then watching my dad take her in his arms and dance around with her, both of them wearing huge smiles on their faces as they did. They were so in love, so happy, so alive.
Then to watch him lose himself after we lost her. He was never the same. I rarely saw him smile after she died, and it was almost like he was pulling away from us to protect himself. Then he got sick, too, and orchestrated the whole thing with Reed and Fallon.
It makes my chest hurt, thinking about how he made sure Reed would be happy when he was gone, but Remy and I got nothing like that from him. I clench my hand into a fist. I guess I should just be glad he told us all he loved us before he passed.
Thinking about it, I get pissed off all over again. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I glare down at the headstone and his name, needing to get all my anger, all my pain, off my chest once and for all. I couldn’t yell at a sick and dying man, but I can damn sure yell now.
“Why didn’t you make sure Remy and I had someone the way you made sure Reed did? Didn’t you think we would need someone to hold when you were gone? What makes Reed so fucking special? He’s an idiot, and one who didn’t see what was right in front of him until he was forced to. Remy, he’s the best of the three of us, and you left him alone. He’s the youngest, the one who remembers Mom the least but looks the most like her, and you just deserted him because it hurt too much.” I kick at the ground, wanting to punch something so badly it hurts.
I should feel like an idiot for standing here in this empty cemetery yelling at a pile of stone, but it helps. It helps so fucking much.
“I’m so angry,” my voice breaks on the word, and I realize I have tears running down my face, though I don’t bother to wipe them away. “I’m angry at you for leaving us for so long before you died. I’m pissed that you didn’t even try to make things right with us all. Do you know what it’s like to love your brother, yet hate him too for having everything you want?” Asking a dead man anything is pointless, but I do it anyway. “Reed gets a family. What do I have? A bunch of questions I’ll never get answers to and a pile of cash. Gee, thanks, Dad.”
The next words out of my mouth are ones I’ve never spoken to anyone. “You left me one-third of the company…and I don’t even want it. I never did, not that you would have asked. You probably wouldn’t have cared either. Reed was always the one who wanted to run it. I was only there because it was expected of me, and I hoped being there would make us closer. Now, you’re gone, so what am I supposed to do? Quit? I don’t even know what I’d do if I did. I have a finance degree because that’s what you expected. I hate fucking numbers.” I bite my fist, letting my words sink deep into my mind. These are my feelings, my emotions. The things I’ve kept bottled up for so long.
I can’t hold back a laugh, and I think I might be going a little crazy. My words grow softer, my anger draining away for the first time since he died. “I wish you were here, Dad. I need advice, and if I ask Reed, he’ll just laugh and act like he didn’t fuck up more than once with Fallon, and asking Remy is pointless because he’s more clueless when it comes to women than I am.” I feel defeated and at peace all at once.
Not caring about my suit or how sitting in the grass will ruin it, I sink down onto my knees and run my hand over the marble. “There’s this woman, and I screw everything up with her every time I open my mouth. How do I make it right? How do I make her see me as more than the asshole who tried to stick his hand up her skirt five minutes after he met her?” I sit there like I’m waiting for him to answer, and of course he won’t. He’s gone. Buried deep in the earth.
After a few minutes, I stand back up and pat the stone. “Bye, I love you.” The words are barely a whisper of sound, but I still say them. As angry as I am with him, I can’t deny the love I have for him. He’s my dad.
When I get back in my car, I head for Ava’s, still determined to find out what’s going on with her. I thought saying all those things would make me feel better, but even though I’m not as angry, I don’t really feel better—just empty. Being around Ava makes me feel, and I need that warmth right now. I need that rushing of blood through my veins and the fizzle of excitement deep in my belly. Those are all things that only she can give me.
I’m sitting at a stoplight a few minutes from her house when I see her come out of a corner store, holding a brown paper bag tightly in her hand. She ducks her head and walks at a fast pace down the street. For a second, I consider getting her attention, but she’d probably run faster if I did. I contemplate my next move, determined to figure out this woman if it’s the last thing that I do. Making up my mind, I slowly drive toward
her apartment, and when I pull into a parking spot, I kill the engine, deciding to give her a little time to get inside and get settled in before going up to her door.
When I exit the car, I tell myself I won’t be leaving her place until I get some answers. Ava’s been a mystery to me, but that stops tonight.
Chapter Fifteen
Ava
As I rush up the stairs and into my apartment, the strange feeling of being watched washes over me in waves, but I tell myself it’s nothing more than me being paranoid. I’m anxious and afraid of the results the pregnancy test will bring.
No one’s actually watching me or following me, right? There’s no one in sight when I enter the front door, and the apartment is so quiet a pin could drop and be heard. I hurry to the bathroom, placing my purse and cell phone on the table before taking the entire brown paper bag with me.
I slam the door closed behind me and place the bag on the floor, rifling around inside it for the test. When I grasp the box, I pull it out and rip the thing open, refusing to wait another second. If I am, I’ll tell him, and if I’m not, then…then it must all be stress. It has to be.
I read the instructions and take the test, placing it on the counter. I wash my hands and stare at the thing intently, as if it’s a spider that’s going to attack me at any given second. The seconds tick by, eating away at my resolve. I just want to know. I need to know.
A pounding noise resonates through the apartment and I blink, trying to figure out if I imagined the entire thing or if someone is actually beating down my door. When the knocking continues, I leave the bathroom and rush to the front door, pulling it open. I don’t think about who it could be. I just open the door. I can’t stifle the gasp that escapes my lips when I realize just who it is standing on the other side.
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