Love Defies Us

by Stoneback, J. M.

  “I know,” I answer truthfully, and I turn my head and the moonlight outlines her face. Her black hair is tangled, and a few strands stick to the side of her face and forehead.

  And I thought about it, too. Just end it with her. She’s swimming deep in my ocean and I’m going to drown her with my waves.

  “Why won’t you end it?” she asks keeping her eyes trained on the ceiling fan. My eyes beam at her throat, her pulse is thrumming. “You don’t want a relationship with me. You have an idea of how I feel about you. So, cut the chain.”

  I do know how she feels about me, but I want her to tell me how she feels. “How do you feel?”

  “You know,” she says, sitting up, covering herself with the blanket.

  “No. I don’t,” I lie. “Tell me.”

  “I…” she’s stammers. “I like you, Felix. A lot. Are you happy, now?” She grabs the ends of her hair, chews it, then she sits up, “Why. Won’t. You. End. This?” Her words are chipped.

  “Because I’m addicted to you.”

  Sadie

  One week later…

  We have a band meeting at Felix’s house. I don’t know why they decided to meet here, but this sounds fishy. Because I’ve been avoiding Felix like an STD, ever since he made love to me a week ago. It was the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced with him. I’ve been avoiding him because I finally admitted that I have feelings towards him. He makes me feel too vulnerable. Too needy. Too everything. He’s like a virus spreading through my body, he’s everywhere. And I can’t get rid of him no matter how hard I try.

  Aurora sits next to East, his arm draped around her shoulder. Azrael sits on the other side of East. Felix stands against the wall with his hands tucked under his armpits. Eyeing me as if he’s calculating his next move.

  “I managed to get you on another rock magazine cover. You’ll be performing at the MTV and VH1 awards.” My eyes penetrate Aurora. “Aurora, you’ll have to fly out next week to do a photoshoot for Allure Magazine,” I say.

  “Do you guys have any questions?” I ask, and I finally look at Felix and he looks at me as if he holds the key to my heart. I don’t like the way he looks at me, it’s the same look he gave me when we were at the wedding and when he made love to me. I suck in an audible breath as if I’m deprived from oxygen.

  Felix untucks his hands from his armpits and raises it in the air.

  ”Yeah?” That little word comes out shaky.

  “What about the photoshoot for our next album?”

  He’s just trying to find a way for me to speak to him.

  “I sent an email to you last night stating that you’ll have a photoshoot right after your tour.”

  He already knew this because he replied with “OK, and why are you avoiding me?” I didn’t respond to it; I act like I didn’t receive it.

  East grumbles about wanting to take pictures. He always thinks he’s ugly. When in reality his personality is ugly, but his face looks like it was hand carved by gods.

  “Is the food ready to be put on the grill?” Aurora asks as she gets up from the couch.

  “Yeah,” Felix says. “I’ll meet you outside, I have to talk to Sadie.”

  My body tenses at his words and my heart beats like I’ve been chugging Red Bull.

  The rest of the band leaves and it’s just me and him. He eats up the distance between us and all the oxygen is deprived from my lungs. He tilts my chin with his thumb so I can look into his eyes. They are rich and deep and heated, blazing with so much fire. I inhale a heavy dose of his fragrance, pine sap. The smell I love. I sleep in his t-shirt, that’s how much I miss him being inside of me.

  “You’re being awkward,” he says, a smug smirk playing on his face. “You miss me?”

  I straighten my spine and hold my head high as if I own his life.

  “Not really.”

  I lie straight through my teeth. I miss having him at night, cuddling with him. I miss our conversations on life. The chemistry between us is more than sexual, it’s like our souls entwine with each other. I never thought I would connect with him on an emotional level. My words are supposed to sting him, but amusement plays on his face. A dimple plants in his cheek as he smiles wickedly.

  “Sure. You didn’t. I bet you don’t miss me making you come multiple times a day.”

  His smile is so sweet, you’ll catch diabetes from looking at it. I try to keep a straight face, but I want to split my face in half with a smile.

  “I have Pete for that.”

  He cocks his eyebrow. “Who the fuck is Pete?”

  “Calm down, Cujo. It’s my vibrator.”

  “You named it after my middle name?” Humor and curiosity mesh together in his voice. I grab the end of my hair and chew.

  “Yeah, I had to name him after my first lover. Men have been naming their toys for centuries.”

  “True. I named mine Thumbelina,”

  He pulls me closer by my belt loop. My body brushes against his and I catch the tingles between my legs. Today, I wear a white tank top and denim shorts with my black Tom Ford flip flops. Nothing fancy. We stare at each other as if we’re gearing up for war.

  “I’m not your sex toy anymore.” Fake confidence bleeds through my words.

  “Newsflash for you, you’ll be whatever I want you to be to me.” He leans down and whispers, “I own your body and soul. I’m balls deep into your mind.” His voice tickles my ear.

  He stands back up and his words pierce my heart. I want to respond; I need to respond, but I stand here frozen as if my feet are held together by blocks of ice.

  “Stay for the bbq. Azrael can grill like nobody business.”

  I want to say yes so bad, but I know how this night will end. Me in his bed again. Me trying to shake off my feelings. Me pretending that my heart doesn’t bleed when we’re apart.

  “No.”

  “I’ll keep my hands off of you.” And that, I know is a lie.

  “I said no.”

  “Stop avoiding me.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Alright, Pinocchio.” He shakes his head. “I called you every day and sent out text messages. You barely respond, and when I asked you can I come over, you lied and said you were out with your friends, but I saw you come out to the car to get a weird-looking bag.”

  My mouth slightly opens and my cheeks flush. “Your stalking has no bounds.”

  He cups my face as if he’s holding something precious and my bones feel like jelly.

  “Not when it comes to you. Stop bringing out the creepy dude in me.” He pauses. “I’ll chase you, Sadie. Until the end of the world. I’ll never stop chasing you until you’re mine.”

  In this moment, I don’t like Felix because he makes me feel as if I’m the only girl in the world and he makes me feel secure. Staring in his eyes, I say, “I want a relationship with you. I want you to be my very first boyfriend.” My words came out of the blue.

  He sucks in a deep breath and the rough pad of his thumb rubs my cheeks. “Don’t break my heart, Sadie. I’ve been through enough shit already. They don’t call me a Broken God for no reason.” His words are concocted with caution. As if he doesn’t know if he can trust me with his heart. I want to prove to him that I’m not going to hurt him.

  I nod.

  “Give me your words.”

  “I won’t break your heart.”

  “Good.”

  Then his soft pillow lips press against mine and a shiver picks at my spine. I slightly opening my mouth inviting his tongue into my mouth and our tongues do a tango. If our kiss was a weather, it would be rain on a hot summer day. Warm and wet. If our kiss was a song it would be Flaws and All by Beyoncé. Soft, elegant, and packed with so much emotion. He deepens the kiss and he grabs my ponytail. This is his signature move, and I don’t mind him pulling on my hair. My heart jumps for joy and overdoses on yearning. We pull away and I’m struck with dizziness as if I’m floating in air. Then he kisses my forehead. Then my cheeks. Then my nose. Then
my neck. Sealing the deal that I’m officially his.

  “Every god has a weakness and I just found mine.” He rests his forehead on my mine, and I close my eyes, bathing in this moment.

  “It’s about damn time,” Aurora yells from the kitchen. We both turn to look at her. Easton leans against the arch doorway of the kitchen and Azrael stands next to him with a sandwich in his hand. Aurora is sandwiched between them.

  “You two fucking disgust me,” Easton says. “If I hadn’t seen your dick before I’d swear you have a pussy for announcing your feelings to Trust Fund Baby.” He looks me up and down as if we’re aliens from another planet. He’s such an ass, I don’t know what women see in him. He could sacrifice a baby and women would still flock to him. Psycho ass.

  Azrael bites into a sandwich and gives a thumbs-up. His version of approval.

  “Y’all were spying on us the whole entire time?” I ask, taking a step back.

  They all nod.

  “Do they do this shit all the time?” I ask, folding my arms across my chest.

  Felix shrugs. “They’re my family. They’re allowed to spy.”

  “They better not spy on us when we’re fucking.” I deadpan.

  “I would buy front row tickets to see that,” Azrael says between bites, “you’re so composed. I can’t imagine you moaning and letting loose, Sadie. Felix, let me watch. I want to see Sadie get wild. Let me stick the tip of my head in.” He’s dead-ass serious, I can tell by the way he eyes me if I’m a piece of meat. I glance over at Aurora, her face is colored with curiosity.

  Felix’s shoulders tense and his jaw tics. “Fuck no. And if you ever say some dumb shit like that again, I’ll beat your ass.”

  My eyes venture back to Azrael, his eyes are the size of the moon. “You’re high,” I tap my foot and place my hands on my hips. “You better sober up before the tour or the band will go on without you,” I say. “You need to be in rehab.”

  “I always stop using coke, I smoke weed.”

  “That’s not sobering up,” I scold.

  Felix slaps me on the ass, and picks me up and I giggle, “I’m not hungry for bbq. I got something else to eat.”

  We head to his bedroom.

  Three weeks later…

  Days begin to mesh together. After me and Felix decided to be in a relationship. We came out on social media. Well, Felix came out and tagged me in it. And his fans made us a hashtag. #BrokenGodandBossLady

  Everything has been going great in our relationship. I’m sitting at the bar with Axel and Jasper. I promised Axel that I’d hang out with him. Our work schedule is crazy since Dad forced him to be CEO. He started a week ago and people in the office haven’t been as uptight as usual. Then again, when you work for an uptight boss that walks around with a stick up his ass, you wouldn’t have any energy to work for them.

  I sip my peach Long Island tea. A dark skinned-woman with pink hair sings a soul song on stage. The bar is more dead than a corpse. A few people linger on the dance floor and the lights are dim causing my eyes to strain. Nothing fancy like I’m used to.

  “I need to meet Felix,” Axel says, and his words catch me off guard “I need to see if your new boyfriend is right for you. Has Dad put that shotgun to his back and told him to do right by you yet?”

  My brother wears a black cotton shirt and blue denim jeans.

  “Um no. I’ve been avoiding our parents,” I say before sipping my fruity drink. The alcohol soothes my throat and goes frantic in my bloodstream.

  “I’m surprised that Jasper approved your relationship with him,” he says, and I glance at him with confusion. He sips from his beer and stares at Jasper, and Jasper glares at him as if you better not say shit or I’ll kill you. What is this about?

  “Why wouldn’t he?”

  “Because he’s i—”

  I hear a thump under the table, and I look between Jasper and Axel. Jasper cuts his eyes to him and my brother has a smug look on his face.

  “Are you too keeping secrets from me?”

  Jealousy eats at me like a zombie snacking on a human. I thought Jasper and I shared everything. Apparently not.

  They don’t answer my question.

  I study the two. I know Jasper hangs out with Axel from time to time and they’ve gone to work out at the gym a few times. They’re friends, but not as close as me and Jasper.

  “You better tell me what’s going on,” I say to the both of them as I take another sip from my glass.

  “Nothing,” Jasper answers, his face stoic.

  “Are you happy that I’m with Felix?” I ask Jasper. Ever since it came out that we’re dating, Jasp doesn’t give his input on our relationship like he did before. He doesn’t seem so happy, and he just hit me with that “Oh.” And he’s been moody lately. Last week, he got upset because I told him that he forgot to wash the dishes. I didn’t say anything because I thought it had to do with his lovers.

  “Yes.” Jasper clears his voice. He lied to my face. Every time he lies, he rubs his nose repeatedly and that’s what he’s doing now. Rubbing his pointy nose as if he’s a cokehead.

  I don’t get why he isn’t happy with me being with Felix. I’m not going to hound him. If he wants to talk about his feelings, he will.

  “I’ve got to go. Don’t want to keep James waiting.” My brother takes out his leather wallet and throws a ten-dollar bill on the table.

  He kisses me on the cheek and pats Jasper on the back, then leaves. It’s just me and Jasper. And it’s awkward. Too awkward.

  He twitches his lips before taking a sip of his beer.

  “Why him?” Jasper’s words catch me throws me off. “Why did you choose him? I get it, he’s a rock star and he’s rich.”

  I pause for moment debating whether or not I should answer his question.

  “What’s up with you?”

  His demeanor is rigid and edgy like sharp glass. He eyes me, then sips his beer. “I’ve been down about finals again.” He stares at me as if I butchered him, and he rubs his nose again. Liar, liar, pants on fire.

  “Whatever,” I murmur under my breath.

  He flags down the bartender and order five shots of Jack Daniels. I haven’t seen Jasper this down in the dumps since his grandparents were killed in a car crash three years ago. Whatever is going on with him, I hope he gets better.

  Sadie

  My dad barges into my office with his golfing clothes on. Sweat licks his face. He sits in the seat facing my desk and his ocean blue eyes swim with curiosity.

  “You’re dating someone? The drummer from The Wakening of Gods?” He crosses his right leg over his left thigh. Tapping his pinky nail on the sole of his shoe. I straighten my spine and chew on the end of my ball pen. Dad never really cared who I dated. As long as they weren’t chosen by my mother. That’s one of the things I like about him, he isn’t controlling like her.

  “Yes. Is that a problem?” I tilt my head to the side like the Leaning Tower. I haven’t spoken to her or him over a month, and I really, really, really, want to keep it that way. Over the last five weeks, I had time to think and I’ve forgiving my dad for giving Axel the CEO position. I’m not mad at him as I’m mad at my mom. He had every right to give the business to my brother. And I don’t want any bad blood with one of the most powerful men in the US, and I don’t want to give the world a reason to shit on my family. My mom is a whole different story, and it’s ugly and filled with endless pages fill with dark emotions. I wish I could rewrite her life story so she wouldn’t turn into a cold-hearted bitch.

  He shakes his head and wrinkles his mouth. “Your mother has been blowing up my phone because she can’t get in touch with you. She wants me to put an end to your relationship with him.”

  My dad’s expression flashes disdain and he looks weighed down as if he’s carrying boulders on his back. I lean forward, move some paperwork to the edge of the desk.

  “Is this the reason you’re here, to stop me from dating him?” I chew on my lip.

&nbs
p; “I don’t care who you date. Unless he’s treating you like shit then we will have a problem.” He removes his foot from his knee and places it on the floor.

  Since when did you care about me? I want to ask him. But I refrain from doing it. Something tells me he’s here for another reason. So, I don’t respond.

  His eyelids are heavy, and he rubs his chin. Yep, that’s his tell sign that he’s stressed out to the max.

  “Spit it out, Dad.” I lean forward resting my elbows on the desk.

  He lets out a loud breath and waits a few minutes. “I cut your mother off from my money. I’m finally divorcing her.”

  It doesn’t surprise me that he would divorce her. I never thought my father took anyone shit. At work, people view him as cutthroat and cold-hearted. But now, he looks like a wounded animal. He’s doing it for himself and I get it. Being with someone toxic for years can wear and tear on your mind and body.

  Do I hug him? No, I’ll just remain in my seat. We’re not the hugging type. My dad never hugged me a day in my life.

  “I would say I’m sorry, but you should have divorced her a long time ago.”

  “After the many, many affairs she’s had, I decided to walk away,” he answers.

  My mouth hangs open and I stare at him as if he’s a deer in a headlight. He thrusts his fingers through his hair.

  “I didn’t know Mom cheated on you. I’m sorry.”

  I’ve never been cheated on, so I won’t know how it feels. And if Felix ever cheated on me, I know I’ll be crushed. I don’t know how I would handle it. I tuck the thoughts away. Felix would never do anything to hurt me in that way.

  “There is something your mom wanted to tell you at the dinner table before you stormed out.” He rubs the back of his neck and twitches his mouth. “Do you know why I gave Axel the CEO position?” He studies my reaction, sits up leaning forward in the chair.

  “Because he’s your favorite,” I say it so casually.

  “He’s not my favorite.” I don’t believe his last words. “You’re not mine biologically.”

  Did I hear him correctly?