IVAN I DANILOVICH, MONEYBAGS: In the 14th century, Ivan was the grand prince of Muscovy, now part of Russia. He earned his nickname not only from his wealth but also because he was a tax collector for the Tatar Empire, which required him to haul around big bags of money.
CONSTANTINE THE DUNG-NAMED: Eighth-century Byzantine Emperor Constantine V got his nickname from political opponents, who started a rumor that as a baby, he had pooped in a baptismal font. (He might have—he was a baby, after all.)
PTOLEMY VI THE MOTHER-LOVER: Ptolemy was the king of Egypt in the second century B.C. He ascended to the throne at age six and ruled jointly with his mother, the queen—Cleopatra I. Since kings and queens are generally married to each other, Ptolemy became know as “the mother-lover.” But he didn’t really love his mother. (He did, however, marry his sister.)
ETHELRED THE UNREADY: Although Ethelred was just 10 years old when he became king of England in 978 C.E., that’s not where the nickname originates. “Unready” comes from an Anglo-Saxon word that meant “ill-advised,” which reflects the unpopular decisions made by his advisors.
ERIC THE PRIESTHATER: King Eric II of Norway (1280–99) earned his nickname from his (successful) efforts to keep the Catholic Church from garnering special favors and obtaining land from the Norwegian government.
LONGSHANKS: Edward I of England (reigned from 1272 to 1307) had very long “shanks,” or legs. Standing at more than 6’, he was extremely tall for that era.
BOLESLAW THE WRY-MOUTHED: A Duke of Poland in the 12th century, Boleslaw III was a scheming dictator who assumed power after forcing out his brother. “Wry” means “cleverly humorous” as well as “physically crooked,” and by historical accounts, Boleslaw possessed both kinds of wry mouth.
IVAILO THE CABBAGE: A rebel leader and briefly the emperor of Bulgaria in the 1270s, Ivailo probably got the name because, before becoming a politician, he was a peasant farmer. According to some translations, Ivailo was also known as “Radish” and “Lettuce.”
I’M GOING TO COUNT TO 10
Twenty years ago on a trip to Oktoberfest, Uncle John learned how
to count to 10 in German—and he still remembers how to do it.
Here’s how the speakers of some languages count to 10.
JAPANESE
ee-chee
nee
san
yohn or shee
goh
roh-koo
nah-nah
ha-chee
q or koo
joo
TURKISH
1 bir
2 iki
3 ooch
4 doord
5 besh
6 alti
7 yeddi
8 sakkiz
9 dokkuz
10 on
HEBREW
leph
bet
gimel
dalet
hei
vav
zayin
het
Ʋ tet
yud
THAI
neung
song
sam
see
har
hok
jed
bad
gao
sib
ARABIC
wa-Had
ith-nain
thah-lath- ah
ar-bah
kham-sah
sit-ah
sub-ah
tha-man- ee-ah
tiss-ah
ash-ra
MANDARIN CHINESE
eee
are
sawn
soo
ooh
leo
chee
baw
joe
POLISH
1 ye-den
2 dva
3 t-r-sh-ih
4 ch-teri
5 p-yench
6 shesh-ch
7 shedem
8 osh-em
9 jev-yench
10 je-shench
HINDI
ek
dho
theen
chaar
paanch
cheh
saath
aath
nau
das
SPUN-OUT SPIN-OFFS
Many successful TV series were “spin-offs” of other shows—Cheers
begat Frasier, Dallas gave us Knot’s Landing, and Grey’s Anatomy
spawned Private Practice, for just three examples. Some spin-offs,
however, never even make it to air, even when an entire episode
of the parent series is used to introduce the new show.
ORIGINAL SERIES: The Cosby Show
SPIN-OFF: Mr. Quiet (1985)
STORY: The Cosby Show was a surprise hit for NBC in 1984 and is even credited with lifting the network from third to first place. Show star/creator Bill Cosby had free rein at the network, and in 1985 he produced an episode of his show to serve as a pilot to star his friend, singer Tony Orlando, for whom he’d opened concerts in the 1970s. On that episode, the Huxtable family volunteered at an inner-city community center run by Orlando’s character. Despite Cosby’s pull, the pilot was never made into a series because, according to Orlando, his own performance “stunk.”
ORIGINAL SERIES: The Office
SPIN-OFF: “Untitled Office Spin-Off” (2009)
STORY: In 2008 NBC executives asked producers of the hit comedy The Office to create a spin-off. They didn’t want to split up the original show’s ensemble, so the producers planned to introduce a new character to The Office, to be played by Saturday Night Live’s Amy Poehler, and then base a new, office-based show around her. NBC announced that the untitled show would debut in the plum, post-Super Bowl time slot in February 2009, but the show’s writers were having a hard time creating a show that was different enough from The Office. So they scrapped the idea of the spin-off and made a show called Parks and Recreation “inspired by” The Office instead—shot in the same dry documentary style but this time set in the world of local politics. The show was a modest hit when it finally debuted in April 2009, and it was renewed for a second season.
ORIGINAL SERIES: Emergency!
SPIN-OFF: 905-Wild (1975)
STORY: Writer/actor Jack Webb created the cop show Dragnet in the 1950s and revived it in the late 1960s. The new show then spun off another police drama called Adam-12, which in turn begat Emergency! (1972–79), about a pair of paramedics /firefighters. And a 1975 episode of Emergency! served as a pilot for yet another rung on the ladder of Dragnet-derived shows. 905-Wild, as the show was to be titled (based on police code for “wild animal, loose and threatening”), followed a Los Angeles animal control worker (portrayed by Mark Harmon in one of his first roles). The Emergency! cast showed up briefly, but the rest of the episode showed Harmon fighting off a tiger in a grocery store and saving dogs caught in a brush fire. Apparently the Dragnet magic didn’t transfer to the animal kingdom—NBC passed on 905-Wild.
ORIGINAL SERIES: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
SPIN-OFF: Buffy the Animated Series (2002)
STORY: Buffy has a rich backstory and mythology, but with the exception of the spin-off Angel, none of the many other proposed offshoots of the teenaged monster-hunter show ever made it to air. One of these was a Saturday morning cartoon version for kids, commissioned by the Fox Network in 2001. A four-minute, fully animated teaser video (with most of the original cast providing their voices) was produced, and Fox gave Buffy creator Joss Whedon the go-ahead to make 13 full episodes. But just a few weeks later, in early 2002, Fox shut down its Saturday morning cartoon division. Whedon shopped the animated Buffy to other networks, but nobody was interested—it was too dark for kids and too kiddie for adults.
ORIGINAL SERIES: Welcome Back, Kotter
SPIN-OFF: The Horshacks (1977)
STORY: Next to John Travolta’s Vinnie Barbarino, the most popular of the teenage delinquent Sweathogs on Welcome Back, Kotter was the sc
rawny, nerdy, and weird Arnold Horshack (Ron Pallilo). A two-part episode made during Kotter’s second season, “There Goes Number 5,” was intended as a spin-off, focusing on Horshack and his equally weird family. When Horshack’s fourth stepfather dies, he has to take a job with his uncle to feed his brothers and sisters. The episode was among the lowest-rated Kotters of the year, proving that a little Horshack goes a long way.
ORIGINAL SERIES: The Brady Bunch
SPIN-OFF: Kelly’s Kids (1974)
STORY: By the end of the show’s fifth season in 1974, the Brady kids were getting older and not quite so cute, and chances that the show would be renewed for a sixth season by ABC were slim. So Brady creator Sherwood Schwartz devised another show about a nontraditional family with a bunch of adorable youngsters. The pilot was aired as an episode of The Brady Bunch—the Bradys are visited briefly by their good friend (although he’d never been mentioned before) Ken Kelly (portrayed by Ken Berry of F Troop), who has just adopted three orphans: one white, one Asian, and one African-American. ABC passed on the pilot, and The Brady Bunch was canceled a few weeks later. The “Kelly’s Kids” episode ties in so little with The Brady Bunch, in fact, that it’s almost never seen in the perpetual reruns of the show.
ORIGINAL SERIES: Heroes
SPIN-OFF: Heroes: Origins (2008)
STORY: It was devised to run in spring 2008, between the second and third seasons of the cult science-fiction show about modern-day superheroes. Each episode of Heroes: Origins was supposed to explain how one of the parent show’s many characters obtained or discovered their special powers. Major filmmakers like Kevin Smith (Clerks) and Eli Roth (Hostel) were signed to direct episodes. So why did it die? Heroes: Origins was a casualty of the Writer’s Guild of America strike in 2007–08, which halted production on all scripted TV shows for three months. By the time Hollywood got back to work, the TV season was nearly over, and there was no time to make Origins.
“The phrase ‘sort of’ doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, it means everything. Like after ‘I love you,’ or ‘You’re going to live,’ or ‘It’s a boy!’”
—Demetri Martin
DOUGH NUTS
For the person who has more money than they know what to do with.
LUXURY ITEM: “I Am Rich” iPhone App
DESCRIPTION: Apple iPhone users have access to thousands of applications, or “Apps.” Most cost around $2 and serve a purpose—weather forecasts, movie times, GPS locators, etc. The “I Am Rich” App went on sale in 2008. What does it do? Not much. It fills the iPhone screen with a picture of a ruby, supposedly to indicate to passersby that the iPhone user is rich. COST: $999.99. Who would buy one? Eight people did—including a man who thought it was a joke…until he got his credit card statement. When he complained to Apple, they refunded his money and pulled “I Am Rich” from their online store.
LUXURY ITEM: Chanel Segway
EXPLANATION: If a no-frills Segway isn’t expensive enough (around $5,000), now you can get a super-deluxe Chanel Edition Segway. It’s the same as a regular Segway, but with quilted leather mudflaps and a Chanel handbag mounted on the front.
COST: $12,000
LUXURY ITEM: Crystal-covered paintball gun
EXPLANATION: The Aurora Nexus Ego is adorned with thousands of tiny crystals, and until recently was the world’s most expensive paintball gun at a cost of $5,000. But in 2009, Planet Eclipse came out with the Argyle Eg09, which is decorated with more than 11,000 much fancier Swarovski crystals.
Cost: $5,001
LUXURY ITEM: Diamond-encrusted USB thumb drives
EXPLANATION: Thumb drives are popular. They’re also cheap—you can get 2GB of data storage for about $10. So if you lose one, who cares…unless it’s a White Lake USB Stick, which is 14-carat gold-plated and covered in diamonds.
Cost: $3,500. (If you’re on a budget, you can get it without the diamonds for just $2,800.)
A ROYAL MESS
Have you always dreamed of being a princess or a king? Be careful what you wish for—you might end up like one of these folks.
ALL IN THE FAMILY
For the past thousand years, the royal families of Europe have routinely intermarried. Why? They did it to create dynasties and to keep the royal wealth within their families. The problem: Over time it can create a genetic nightmare. The poster family for royal inbreeding is the House of Hapsburg. Since the 15th century, the Hapsburgs have intermarried with royal relatives in Spain, Austria, England, Hungary, Bohemia, Greece, Portugal, and Mexico. Somewhere along the line it created a genetic deformity called the “Hapsburg lip,” which then spread through the family tree. This condition, known as mandibular prognathism, causes the lower jaw to protrude in front of the upper teeth like a bulldog. Other common Hapsburg traits due to inbreeding: a large misshapen nose, sagging lower eyelids, stunted bodies, and hydrocephalus . This genetic disorder, known more commonly as “water on the brain,” makes fluid accumulate in the skull, putting pressure on the brain. It causes mental disabilities, convulsions, and death—symptoms the Hapsburg royals had in abundance.
ROYAL DISASTERS
Two extreme examples:
• In 1793 Emperor Franz II married his double first cousin (they had the same four grandparents) Marie-Therese. Their son, Ferdinand I (1793–1875), was born with a hydrocephalic head, shrunken body and epilepsy. He had the Hapsburg jaw, a tongue too large for his mouth, and only marginal intelligence. One of his favorite pastimes was to wedge his bottom in a wastebasket and roll around the floor in it. Despite that, he reigned as emperor for 18 years.
• In 1649 King Philip IV of Spain married Mariana of Austria… his niece. Their son Charles II (1661–1700) had maladies like those of Ferdinand I except that his tongue was so huge he could hardly eat or talk. He was also impotent, which ended the Hapsburg’s reign in Spain.
MAD MEN
The Hapsburgs weren’t the only royal house muddying the gene pool. In 1802, as British essayist Walter Bagehot noted, “every hereditary monarch in Europe was insane.”
• George III of England (1738–1820) was taken to Kew Palace in a straitjacket in 1801 and never seen in public again.
• Queen Maria I of Portugal (1734–1816), whose half-wit husband was also her uncle, liked to dress like a little girl and throw temper tantrums.
• Christian VII of Denmark (1749–1808) ran around the palace smashing furniture and banging his head until it bled.
• Russian Emperor Paul I (1754–1801) may have been a paranoid schizophrenic, and was given to unpredictable behavior: In 1797 he banned shoes with laces, then sent troops into the streets of St. Petersburg with orders to kill anyone violating his edict.
• Ludwig I of Bavaria (1786–1868) was prone to wander the city of Munich in rags carrying a tattered umbrella.
VICTORIA’S SECRET
By all accounts Queen Victoria of England (1819–1901) and her husband (and cousin) Prince Albert (1819–1861) had a happy marriage. Together they produced nine children and married them into every royal family in Europe. Unfortunately, one son and two of their five daughters carried a deadly gift from their mother in their genes—hemophilia. Hemophiliacs lack the protein that clots blood, making the smallest cut a potential killer. Victoria’s children who carried this defective chromosome passed it on through their children, some of whom passed it onto their children. The disease is believed to be extinct among the remaining European monarchies, but since female descendants can carry the gene without knowing it, it’s possible it’s still out there somewhere.
THE WACKY WINDSORS
The current ruling dynasty of England, the House of Windsor, is carrying on the breeding habits of their ancestors. Queen Elizabeth II (1926–) is married to Prince Philip, her second cousin once removed through King Christian IX of Denmark, and her third cousin through Queen Victoria. The beat goes on…
SCAT-R-US
Some bathroom-related toys and products (mostly) for kids.
TH
E TURDS. Each of these English action figures (basically a plastic poo that wears clothes) comes with its own “log book and bowlography.” Some popular characters: “Brave-fart,” “Turdinator Poo,” “Julius Squeezer,” and “Dries Hard.”
PEE & POO. A pair of stuffed plush dolls. One is a brown mound (Poo); the other is shaped like a yellow water droplet (Pee). Both have cute little feet and eyes and “work just as well at potty-training inspiration as they do a cuddly companion.”
TOILET MONSTER. The hands of this rubber toy have suction cups that attach to the inside of the toilet lid, while its gruesome leering face remains in the bowl. “The moment some unsuspecting guest lifts the lid,” says the description, “the toilet monster explodes to scare them out of their wits. Be sure they will think twice before doing their business in your home ever again!” Also available: the motion-activated Toilet Screamer.
Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Page 13