ARTIST’S STATEMENT: “The work attempts to make visible the invisible.”
ARTIST: Paul McCarthy
THIS IS ART? McCarthy is a 63-year-old American artist who gained fame in the 1960s for using his body as a paint brush and then using some of his bodily fluids as paint. His latest piece of “shocking” art is a house-sized balloon shaped like a giant pile of dog doo. (The work made headlines in 2008 when it came loose from its moorings outside of a Swiss art museum and flew 200 yards before landing on the grounds of a children’s home, where it broke a window.)
ARTIST’S STATEMENT: “To put an unrefined, clumsy-appearing object into art is a political act.”
ARTIST: Tracey Emin
THIS IS ART? Emin created shockwaves with her controversial piece My Bed when it was displayed at London’s Tate Gallery in 1999. It was just that—her messy bed, with crumpled bed sheets and dirty clothes on the floor next to it. But what shocked the public the most was her inclusion of used condoms and women’s underwear. Although the installation was described as “crass” and “vulgar,” Emin was nominated for the prestigious Turner Prize. She didn’t win, but her dirty bed sold for £150,000 ($211,000). ARTIST’S STATEMENT: “When I got the phrase ‘media whore’ thrown in my face, I thought, oh my god, if you only knew.”
ARTIST: Aelita Andre
THIS IS ART? This artist’s abstract paintings were very well received at the Brunswick Street Gallery in Melbourne, Australia, in 2009. Renowned art critic Robert Nelson described them as “heavily reliant on figure/ground relations.” They were priced between $250 and $1,400. It was later revealed, however, that Aelita was only 22 months old when she painted them. The doodles were submitted by her mother, Russian photographer Nikka Kalashnikova, who kept the artist’s age to herself until after the work was approved. ARTIST’S STATEMENT: “Baba! Mama! (spittle).”
ARTIST: Deborah Grumet
THIS IS ART? Titled Studies in Digestion, Grumet’s 18” x 24” colored-pencil drawing is separated into four quadrants, each depicting the human digestive system in the style of a famous artist: Keith Haring’s graffiti, Georges Seurat’s pointillism, René Magritte’s surrealism, and Pablo Picasso’s single-line drawings. Grumet couldn’t get a gallery to display the work (it was actually rejected by the Museum of Bad Art in Dedham, Massachusetts, as “too commercial”), so she auctioned it online, offering the proceeds to the struggling art museum at Brandeis University. No bidders chose the “Buy It Now” option for $10,000, but the gutsy painting did sell…for $152.53.
ARTIST’S STATEMENT: “If you scroll way, way, down towards the bottom of the Wikipedia article about the Museum of Bad Art, you will see that my Studies in Digestion drawing is mentioned. This could be my proudest moment ever!” (Until she finds out that she made it into an Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.)
ODD BOOKS
We like to include a wide variety of topics in our Bathroom Readers. Here are some real books that have a much more limited focus.
Baboon Metaphysics
Curbside Consultation
of the Colon
The Large Sieve
and Its Applications
Strip and Knit with Style
Bombproof Your Horse
How to Write a
How-to-Write Book
Camping Among Cannibals
The Care of Rawhide
Drop Box Loom Pickers
Octogenarian Teetotalers
Practical Candle Burning
Jaws and Teeth of
Ancient Hawaiians
Short-term Visual
Information Forgetting
Who’s Who in Barbed Wire
How to Save a Big Ship From
Sinking, Even Though Torpedoed
What to Say When You
Talk to Yourself
The Romance of Rayon
Selected Themes and
Icons from Spanish
Literature: Of Beards, Shoes,
Cucumbers, and Leprosy
The Toothbrush: Its Use
and Abuse
A Do-It-Yourself
Submachine Gun
Correct Mispronunciations of
Some South Carolina Names
Defensive Tactics with
Flashlights
How to Write While You Sleep
Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself
The Encyclopedia of Suicide
Yoga for Cats
The Fun and Exciting
World of Roots
Extraordinary Chickens
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
With more tame people and more wild animals living next door to each other (page 481), some bizarre encounters are bound to occur.
AN ALLIGATOR IN THE GARAGE
Anna Labita was standing in the kitchen of her Pinellas Park, Florida, home in 2009 when she heard a noise coming from her garage. She slowly opened the door, and there, only a few feet away, was an 8-foot-long alligator leaning up against the wall. It was staring right at her—at eye level. Labita slowly closed the door and called 911. A reptile control officer came out (they get a lot of work during the spring mating season) and taped the hungry gator’s mouth shut before hauling it off.
A BEAR IN THE MEDIAN
Several drivers traveling Interstate 5 just south of Stanwood, Washington, in 2008 reported seeing a 250-pound black bear that seemed to be living in a small stand of trees between four lanes of 65-mph traffic. Officials were worried: Either a driver would slow down to gawk at the bear and cause an accident, or worse yet, the bear would try to cross the road and cause an accident. When game wardens realized that the bear had been living in the median for almost a year, they knew there was little chance he’d leave on his own. So they baited a trap with pickled herring, bacon grease, honey, and doughnuts. It worked…and the bear was introduced into a new habitat in the foothills of the Cascade mountain range.
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
In 2007 a wild turkey chased Kettly Jean-Felix down a sidewalk, across Beacon Street, and into an optometrist’s office—pecking at her bottom the whole way. “It was so scary!” she said. It turns out this turkey wasn’t alone. Boston police had been receiving hundreds of calls from people who were harassed by the ornery birds. Interestingly, wild turkeys flourished in eastern Massachusetts until the 1850s. But by the 20th century, overhunting had driven them nearly to extinction. Efforts to revitalize the population in rural areas began in the 1970s and were extremely successful. One thing that officials never anticipated, though, was that thousands of the birds would end up invading the cities and suburbs.
A BIRD ON THE HEAD
In June 2008, Chicago resident Holly Grosso was walking down the sidewalk on West Grand Avenue talking on her mobile phone when, “Something just came down, pecked me in the head, pulled out my hair, and then flew away. It was so bizarre. It was a little bird.” That little bird was actually a red-winged blackbird, and during nesting season, they’re very territorial, having been known to take on much larger vultures and ospreys. Grosso’s attacker pursued many victims that summer, earning it the nickname “Hitchcock” (after the man who directed the 1963 horror film The Birds).
A BOAR IN THE BACKYARD
When Cassandra Frank of St. Petersburg, Florida, awoke on a spring morning in 2009, she heard strange noises coming from her backyard. Still groggy, she went to investigate. All of a sudden, she saw a black, 200-pound sow charging her. It happened so fast that Frank had no chance of getting out of the way. The animal pierced her left leg with one tusk and pinned her up against a tree, squealing the entire time (the pig, not Frank). Then the sow ran off and terrorized a few other people in the neighborhood. It took nine men from animal control to capture it. Frank was fortunate—she escaped with minor injuries and only had to get a tetanus shot. Officials aren’t sure how such a big wild pig—normally found in the forests—made it so far into the suburbs.
A FISH IN THE WIRES
At 7:10 a.m. on April 29, 2009, employees at a Salem, Or
egon, aerospace manufacturing plant suddenly heard a loud POP! Then all of the lights and all of the machines shut down. Upon investigating the outage, one of the workers found the culprit: a large fish, burned to a crisp, lying on the ground beneath some nearby power lines. The electric company concluded that the fish was accidentally dropped onto the line by an osprey (they nest in the area). “This is the first instance we’ve heard of a fish causing a power outage,” said Bob Valdez of the Oregon Public Utility Commission, adding, “Cooked squirrel is pretty common, though.”
IT’S PHOSPHORIFIC!
In the days when smoking was a bigger part of American culture, matches were everywhere. Hotels and restaurants gave matchbooks away; people carried them in their pockets and purses. Well, you’ll never believe where the stuff in the match head came from.
MELLOW YELLOW
Ever heard of alchemy? It was a medieval “science” and philosophy, and one of its goals was to find a way to turn base metals into gold through a process called transmutation. Scientists now know that this is impossible, but in the 1600s, it was a viable—and potentially lucrative—form of research.
An alchemist from Hamburg, Germany, named Hennig Brand believed the way to create gold was by chemically altering a very common substance: urine. At the time, it made sense. A prevailing theory of the day was that because urine and gold were both yellow, some advanced form of alchemy might be able to turn one into the other.
With this in mind, Brand spent months collecting urine. When he’d accumulated 50 buckets of the stuff—mostly donated by local soldiers—he went to the second phase of his plan: He put them in his basement to “age,” or allow the water to evaporate out and concentrate the urine.
BLUE GENIE
One day in 1669, Brand was experimenting with his bucketloads of concentrated soldier pee and came up with something interesting. Scientists later figured out that this is what he did: First, he boiled the urine until it was what chefs call a “reduction”—a thick, condensed syrup with most of the water evaporated out of it. The bright yellow reduction was then heated until it coalesced into three separate substances (which we now know were mostly made up of phosphates ): a reddish oil, a porous black material, and a salty residue.
Brand discarded the salt, then mixed the red oil back into the spongy black stuff, which he then heated for the better part of a day, probably about 16 hours. At this point, the mixture started breaking down into the various chemicals of which it was composed. White smoke poured out into the air, then oil dripped out, and finally all that was left was a waxy liquid.
Brand had never seen anything like it—it was a vibrant blue-green and appeared to glow, both in the light and in the dark. Brand tested the ominous goo by placing it in a jar of cold water. Not only did the substance hold together, it hardened and cooled and became icy to the touch. Although Brand had absolutely no idea what he’d just discovered (or created), he knew he was on to something. But after six years of experimenting on the greenish stuff (and hundreds more buckets of urine), he still hadn’t struck gold. He hadn’t even figured out how to make a second batch.
KRAFT’S WORK
Another German alchemist, Daniel Kraft, had heard about the results of Brand’s experiments, and in 1675 he went to Hamburg to either buy a load of the blue-green extract or at least learn how to make it. Brand was desperate for money (six years of fruitless experimentation while living off his wife’s inheritance had left him nearly broke), so he decided to sell what remained of the blue goo to Kraft…since he didn’t know how to re-create it.
It didn’t matter, because Kraft wasn’t concerned with the science behind the substance, or even with the potential of turning it into gold—he wanted to use it to make money now. How’d he do it? He travelled around and made a fortune showing it off to royalty and other wealthy Europeans. Kraft’s act was basically magic tricks: He’d light candles with the stuff, throw it into gunpowder to make explosions, and write glowing blue-green words with it. He’d pass it around the room to show that it was cold to the touch. And Kraft always told audiences that he’d discovered the substance himself.
FINALLY…
It wouldn’t be until 100 years later that the blue-green substance that Brand had discovered would be named: phosphorus. Thanks to Brand’s experiments, it was the first element to be synthesized in pure form and one of the first to be identified as a chemical element. Today, phosphorus is abundant in manufacturing, commonly used in products such as soda, fertilizer, matches, flares, and fireworks. (And they don’t have to get it from urine.)
GOVERN-MENTAL
Elected officials often do the strangest things.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP
In 2009 Arizona State Senator Linda Gray (R-Phoenix) received an error-ridden e-mail from a ninth-grader complaining about the lack of state funds for education. The Senator’s response was harsh: “Why didn’t you take to (sic) time to write an e-mail with the proper punctuation? Your example tells me that all the money we have spent on your education shows a lack of learning on your part.” Only after the letter found its way into the press did Gray find out that the student had special needs. “I wrote harsh words to her,” admitted the Senator, who apologized profusely. “I don’t know what got into me.”
STOP—IN THE NAME OF THE LAW
For years, residents of the Chicago suburb of Oak Lawn have been complaining that motorists don’t come to a complete stop at stop signs. So in 2007 mayor Dave Heilmann came up with a creative solution: He added a second, smaller octagonal sign below 50 of the town’s stop signs so, for example, drivers would see:STOP
and smell the roses
Other signs read “STOP right there, pilgrim,” “STOP billion dollar fine,” and “STOP in the naaaame of love.” The Illinois Department of Transportation deemed the signs violations of the Federal Uniform Traffic Control Act, and threatened to withhold funds for road projects if the signs weren’t removed. Heilmann complied, but complained, “I think government needs to take itself less seriously.”
THE YOLK’S ON HIM
Jifií Paroubek, a Czech politician running for a seat in the European Union Parliament, was the victim of several egg attacks in 2009. At first, only a few were thrown at him. But at each subsequent event, more egg throwers showed up. Every time, Paroubek continued speaking even though his head was covered with shells and yolks. Paroubek accused leaders of the rival Civic Democratic party of secretly having their supporters throw the eggs (the Civic Democrats denied it). But Paroubek saved his harshest words for journalists who made light of his humiliation. “After the elections, I will take a basket of eggs and come to your newsroom and throw them at you,” he said at a press conference. “I don’t like the way you write. I will pelt you and you will see how funny it is.”
PELOSI-ROLL’D
In 2009 Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) posted a short video on the new Congressional YouTube Channel. It began with her two cats running around her office at the U.S. Capitol. At the 37-second mark, Pelosi pulled a popular prank called “Rickrolling”: The footage suddenly cut to singer Rick Astley’s 1987 music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Many pundits derided the fact that the person second in line for the presidency was engaging in such “juvenile” behavior, but Time magazine wrote, “It reflects a relatively sophisticated understanding of how the modern Internet works for an elected public official.”
SPACE WAR
A coveted parking space right next to the side entrance of City Hall in Oakland, California, opened up in 2008 when a councilman retired. Who would get the space? It was narrowed down to two councilwomen: Desley Brooks and Jean Quan. Their colleagues suggested they flip a coin. Quan agreed, but Brooks claimed seniority and demanded that Council President Jane Brunner make the decision. After deliberating, Brunner ruled that since both women started in 2002, both had equal seniority; they should just flip a coin. Brooks disagreed and ordered City Attorney John Russo to decide. Finally, after the dispute had gone o
n for three months (during which time the parking space went to whoever got there first), Russo issued a five-page written opinion, concluding that the women were equally entitled to the space. His solution: Flip a coin. (Brooks won.)
“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.”
—Nikita Khrushchev
YOU MUST BE DREAMING
Uncle John had a dream about balloons, a coffin, and a laughing white
rabbit at a picnic on a deserted island. What does it all mean? Here
are some dream interpretations we found in a fortune-telling book
Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader Page 30