Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Duntov’s hot-rod memo laid out a strategy for Chevrolet to become a dominant force in auto racing, just the kind of thing the division needed to change its image. Cole agreed with many of Duntov’s observations and set to work implementing them. Soon, for example, a full line of high-performance parts became available from every Chevy dealer in the country.

  ONE STEP AT A TIME

  As soon as Cole felt that Duntov had been punished enough, he pulled him off of trucks and schoolbuses and assigned him to the team that was developing fuel injection for the 195-horsepower V-8 engine that would soon be replacing the Corvette’s six-cylinder Stovebolt Six. The V-8 was ready in time for the 1955 model year; all but 6 of the 700 Corvettes manufactured that year had them. (Fuel injection, which increased the engine’s power to as high as 283 hp, didn’t become available until 1957.)

  Bit by bit, Duntov and the other engineers and stylists who worked on the Corvette chipped away at the long list of things that were so annoying about the early cars. A three-speed manual transmission was made available as an option in 1955; the following year, it became standard equipment.

  1956 was also the year that the Corvette’s body received a bumper-to-bumper cosmetic restyling. In the process, many of the amenities that had been left out of the 1953–55 Corvettes—roll-up windows and exterior door handles and locks, to name three—were put in. By now GM had also solved many of the technical challenges associated with working with fiberglass body panels, so there was no talk of going back to steel. Corvettes kept their fiberglass bodies for more than 50 years, until they were finally replaced with a new composite material in 2005.

  A RACY REPUTATION

  As the Corvette made steady improvement from one year to the next, Duntov also worked to raise Chevrolet’s racing profile. In 1955 he entered a 1956 Chevy Bel-Air in the annual race to the top of Pike’s Peak in Colorado. He drove the car himself to a record-breaking first-place finish, shaving a full two minutes off the old record, which had been set by a Ford. Then in January 1956, Duntov took a modified 1957 Corvette to Daytona Beach, Florida, and set a 150-mph speed record there.

  Chevrolet wouldn’t be directly involved in racing for very long. The sport’s image took a beating after a 1955 car crash at the Grand Prix race in Le Mans, France, killed 80 spectators. In mid-1957, GM, citing safety concerns, joined with the other big U.S. automakers and got out of auto racing altogether. Auto racers would continue to race American cars, of course, but the automakers no longer fielded their own teams or race cars. By then, however, Chevrolet’s reputation as a manufacturer of fast, exciting cars was secure.

  1957 was also the year that Duntov was appointed to the newly created position of Chevrolet’s Director of High Performance. For the first time in his career, he had an official title to go with his growing public persona as the “Father of the Corvette.”

  Corvettes had improved dramatically, but the best was still to come. For Part IV of the story, turn to page 458.

  MYTH-CONCEPTION

  Myth: Napoleon Bonaparte was very short—about 5’2”.

  Truth: His body was measured at that height when he died in 1821. At the time, France used a slightly different system of measurement. In today’s universally agreed-upon measurements, that height corresponds to about 5’ 6½ “—short, but not that short.

  THE “OLD GLORY” STORY

  People seem to like to give things nicknames. It’s not just your house, it’s “The Ponderosa.” It’s not just your car, it’s “Big Blue.” A lot of Americans refer to the U.S. flag as “Old Glory,” unaware that it started out as the nickname of one specific flag. And that flag still exists.

  YOUNG GLORY

  William Driver was just 13 years old when he left his

  Salem, Massachusetts, home in 1816 to work as a cabin boy on a sailing ship. By the age of 21, he was a seasoned enough sailor to earn a captain’s license. To celebrate the occasion, his mother and family friends presented him with a gift they’d made: a 10’-by-17’ American flag, with 24 stars (the number of states at the time), to fly from his first ship. After gazing on it for the first time, the story goes, Driver dubbed the flag “Old Glory.” It flew from Driver’s ships for the rest of his career—twice circling the globe on whaling ships—before he retired in 1837.

  Shortly after that, Driver’s wife died, and he moved his three children to Nashville, Tennessee, where his two brothers lived. He became a salesman, married again, had nine more children, and over the years became a well-known man around town. His flag became well known, too: On every national holiday (and on March 17—his own birthday), Old Glory flew from the peak of the Driver house on what is now Nashville’s Fifth Avenue.

  FLAG OF OUR ENEMIES

  In 1861 Driver’s daughters gave the flag an update, removing the 24 stars and replacing them with 34 new ones (10 states had joined the union since he’d received the flag in 1824) and adding a small white anchor to the lower right corner of the blue field in honor of their seafaring father. By then, the flag was beloved by the townspeople, but within a few short months that would change dramatically.

  In April 1861, the Civil War began. Driver, originally from Massachusetts, was pro-Union, but he lived in the capital of a state that had joined the Confederacy—and suddenly his cherished flag became a symbol of an enemy country. On two occasions, mobs of Confederates showed up at the house, one directed by the Tennessee governor himself, and demanded the flag, vowing to burn it. In a letter to one of his daughters, Driver wrote:The Texan Rangers had been told I had a flag and intended to hoist it, and they swore to burn me in my house if I did not give it up: but a bunch of Union friends, and many of our city watch, saved my house and flag.

  After that, the flag disappeared until February 1862, when Nashville became the first Confederate capital to fall to the North. Members of the 6th Regiment of the Ohio Volunteer Infantry, who helped take the city, hoisted their military flag to the top of the recaptured Capitol building…but Driver, who was at the scene, would have none of it.

  OLD BLANKETY

  Escorted back to his home by soldiers, Driver went up to his bedroom took a quilt out from under his bed—and cut it open. He’d gotten a neighbor to sew the flag into it months earlier, hiding its location even from his family. Driver marched back to the Capitol, climbed the stairs to the top of the tower—and hoisted the flag up the pole himself. From that same letter:I always hoped, although against hope, that this hour would come. With my own hand, in the presence of thousands, I hoisted that flag where it now floats, on the staff which has trembled with the fluttering of treason’s banner.

  Old Glory was eventually returned to Driver, but it never flew again. In 1873 he gave it to one of his daughters, telling her, “Mary Jane, this is my ship’s flag, ‘Old Glory.’ It has been my constant companion. I love it as a mother loves her child. Cherish it as I have cherished it.”

  Driver died in 1886 and was buried in the Nashville City Cemetery. His daughter kept the flag for nearly 50 years until 1922, when she presented it to President Warren G. Harding. Being in too delicate a condition to display, it was stored away in the Smithsonian Institute. There it sat for 60 years until it was restored in 1982 and put in a special glass case in the National Museum of American History, right alongside another large flag—the 30’-by-34’ “Star Spangled Banner” that inspired America’s national anthem—where it remains today.

  FAKE-LORE

  Most folktales are part of an oral tradition passed down over generations, and

  are often based on real people or events. Some, however, are not. “Fakelore”

  is a term invented in 1950 by folklorist Richard Dorson to describe these

  tales that seem like they’re old, with stories that developed naturally,

  but are actually much newer and completely made up by writers

  or ad agencies. Examples: Paul Bunyan and Rudolph the

  Red-Nosed Reindeer. Here are some others.

  Legendary Hero: Pe
cos Bill

  The Tale: Bill was born in Texas, but fell out of a covered wagon when he was a baby and was raised by coyotes. He grew up to be the most powerful cowboy in the Old West. He used a rattlesnake as a lasso, could ride a tornado like a rodeo bull, and personally dug out the Rio Grande River.

  The Truth: The Century magazine writer Edward O’Reilly began publishing Pecos Bill stories in 1916, claiming that they were part of a cowboy oral tradition. They weren’t. O’Reilly made them all up.

  Legendary Hero: Astrild

  The Tale: In the 900-year-old pantheon of Norse gods (which also includes Odin and Thor), Astrild, whose name means “love fire,” was the god of love—like Cupid.

  The Truth: Astrild was a popular subject for romantic poets in the 18th and 19th centuries, but he was never actually worshiped by ancient Scandinavians. That’s because he was the invention of Swedish poet Georg Stiernhielm in the mid-1600s.

  Legendary Hero: Joe Magarac

  The Tale: A folk hero in the steel-making towns of Pennsylvania, Magarac was the greatest steelworker who ever lived. He was made of steel and worked every moment of every day. Not only that, but he would show up just in the nick of time to save steelworkers from danger.

  The Truth: The story spread when it was mentioned in a 1931

  Scribner’s Magazine article by Owen Francis, who heard the story from steelworkers. However, according to historians, the men who told Francis the Joe Magarac story probably made it up on the spot. They were eastern European, and “magarac” means “jackass” in several Slavic languages.

  Legendary Heroes: Wesley and Princess Buttercup

  The Tale: The classic 1987 movie The Princess Bride is based on a 1973 novel by William Goldman. But Goldman’s book, as stated in the introduction, is an abridged version of a 200-year-old folktale that he took from a much longer book of the same name by a reclusive writer named S. Morgenstern. The Princess Bride is, in fact, one of the most beloved stories of Morgenstern’s home country of Florin (where the book takes place).

  The Truth: There’s no such place as Florin, and no such writer as S. Morgenstern. Goldman wrote the book, and the idea that he abridged it from an older novel was used as a “literary device.”

  MORE COMMONLY MISUSED WORDS

  DILEMMA

  How We Use It: A problem

  What It Really Means: Specifically, a problem in which one must choose between two or more unsavory choices

  TERRIFIC

  How We Use It: Something that’s pleasingly fantastic

  What It Really Means: Something that causes terror

  PLETHORA

  How We Use It: A lot of something

  What It Really Means: Too much of something

  ENORMITY

  How We Use It: Enormous

  What It Really Means: Evil

  RANDOM BITS ON ’90s HITS

  Pop songs are short, catchy, and memorable, just like these facts.

  • “Ice Ice Baby,” by Vanilla Ice. The first rap song to ever reach #1 on the Billboard chart.

  • “Losing My Religion,” by R.E.M. Their first (and only) top-5 hit, it’s one of only two hit songs ever to feature a mandolin prominently. (The other is Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May.”)

  • “I Love Your Smile,” by Shanice. This teen pop song by an 18-year-old former child star (at age 8, Shanice appeared in a KFC commercial with Ella Fitzgerald) features a sax solo by jazz star Branford Marsalis.

  • “Achy Breaky Heart,” by Billy Ray Cyrus. The first country song to sell a million copies since Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers’ “Islands in the Stream” in 1983. The song and its accompanying dance, the “Achy Breaky,” spawned 1992’s country line-dance fad.

  • “November Rain,” by Guns N’ Roses. At 8 minutes, 59 seconds, it’s the longest top-10 hit of all time.

  • “Dreamlover,” by Mariah Carey. The first of three Carey singles to sample the 1982 Tom Tom Club hit “Genius of Love.” Like the other two (“Heartbreaker” and “Fantasy”), it was a #1 hit.

  • “Stay (I Missed You),” by Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories. Loeb got this song on the Reality Bites soundtrack because her neighbor was the film’s star, Ethan Hawke. It went all the way to #1, making her the only artist ever to score a #1 hit without a record deal.

  • “Waterfalls,” by TLC. The song is about the dangers of ignoring consequences. Group member Lisa Lopes had to record her mid-song rap from a prison cell…where she was being held for ignoring the consequences of setting her boyfriend’s house on fire.

  • “You Were Meant For Me,” by Jewel. First released in 1995 as a more up-tempo country rock song with prominent electric guitar, the song bombed. Jewel re-recorded it as an acoustic ballad, and it went to #2 on the pop chart.

  • “Scream,” by Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson. The video was the most expensive ever, at $7 million (nine times what it cost to make Jackson’s “Thriller”).

  • “One Sweet Day,” by Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. The fourth song ever to debut at #1, it holds the record for the longest time spent at the top of the chart: 16 weeks in 1995–96.

  • “Don’t Speak,” by No Doubt. Original band member Eric Stefani wrote it as an upbeat love song. In 1995, just months before the band scored a string of major hits, Stefani left the band to work as an animator on The Simpsons. Also around that time, bassist Tony Kanal broke up with the band’s singer, Gwen Stefani, prompting her to re-write “Don’t Speak” as a breakup ballad.

  • “Bitch,” by Meredith Brooks. The FCC allows the word “bitch” to be broadcast on the airwaves when it’s sung in songs, but not when it’s spoken. So, when DJs introduced this song, they had to call it “a song by Meredith Brooks.”

  • “How Do I Live,” by LeAnn Rimes. Rimes was denied the chance to sing this song for the Con-Air soundtrack; producers opted for Trisha Yearwood instead. Rimes recorded and released the song anyway…and it was the far bigger hit of the two versions.

  • “Doo Wop (That Thing),” by Lauryn Hill. Half sung and half rapped (and written, arranged, and produced entirely by Hill), every single line rhymes.

  • “Believe,” by Cher. This set a record for largest gap between #1 hits—25 years. Cher’s previous #1 was “Dark Lady” in 1974.

  • “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” by Ricky Martin. Writers Desmond Child and Robi Rosa (Martin’s former bandmate in the group Menudo) claim that they were trying to write a bad song—“the Millennium party song from Hell.” (No comment.)

  “How young can you be and still die of old age?”

  —Steven Wright

  THE PORTMANTEAU MOVIE QUIZ

  A portmanteau is a word that results from two other words being combined. So, here’s a wordplay game we came up with: We took two movies and made “portmanteaus” of their titles. Can you guess the movies, and their combined titles, based on these wacky combined plots? Answers are on page 537.

  1. After humanity has covered the planet in garbage and abandoned it, a robot spends his days collecting and compacting trash. He is painfully lonely, until one day he’s visited by a big-eyed, telepathic alien with a glowing finger and pulsing red heart. The robot gives the alien Reese’s Pieces; the alien takes the robot on a magical flying bicycle ride.

  2. A small-town hunter (Josh Brolin) finds a bag of money at a murder scene. The bag belongs to a dangerous criminal (Javier Bardem), who is actually an evil alien bent on dominating the universe. He is defeated by two sassy secret government agents (Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones).

  3. A newspaper editor (Cary Grant) will do anything to stop his top reporter (Rosalind Russell)—his ex-wife, with whom he’s still in love—from remarrying and quitting her job. And that includes donning a hockey mask and terrorizing a summer camp.

  4. An Australian woman (Meryl Streep) goes camping in the Outback. Her baby is killed, and she’s put on trial for murder, despite her insistence that dingoes ate her baby. Proving her innocence is up to her attorney, who’s distraught over the murde
rs of his parents. His name: Batman (Christian Bale).

  5. A man (Sidney Poitier) helps a group of German nuns build a church in the Arizona desert. Why? A mysterious voice told him to “build it and they will come.” Ghosts of old baseball players appear and play catch with the nuns.