by Caro Fraser
‘You know what?’ Bruno’s voice broke the tranquil silence.
‘What?’
‘You don’t want to stay with Adam.’
‘No?’
They held one another’s gaze for a few seconds. Then, as she’d hoped he would, Bruno kissed her. It was so easy, and she didn’t feel guilty about Adam at all. Maybe she wouldn’t ever have to. Maybe everything would go back to normal when they got back to London. Maybe this had nothing to do with reality at all, sitting here with her back against a warm wall, being kissed. Whatever. She was simply happy to stay here doing it for the rest of the morning.
The household settled into a pattern. Bruce and Derek, when they weren’t continuing their rivalry at the dart-board or table tennis table, were happy to sit around in the sun, drinking cold beers and discussing the coming football season. It was a revelation to Bella to hear Bruce talk about anything other than work, or the lack of it, in the interminable way that actors usually did. Compton-King spent his time either lying on a sun lounger conducting business calls on his mobile, or roaring off in the Bentley with Frank to conduct lengthy dégustations at various local vineyards. Leanne and Emma played in the pool, watched satellite television, went out on expeditions on bikes, and spent long, worshipful hours with Megan, looking at her make-up and listening to her talk about her job and the fascinating world of a grown-up media girl. Bruno, when he wasn’t lying in the orchard smoking dope, played games of volleyball in the pool with the girls, or lay around tanning his lean, young body a pleasing shade of golden brown and talking about himself to Megan, who seemed drowsily content to lie on a sun lounger next to him and listen. Adam spent much of his time writing up his feature; it was Bella who suggested he use the annexe to do that, and he installed himself in the bedroom there, tapping away at his laptop at a table overlooking the orchard. He used his ostensible work on the biography, too, as a pretext for long, solitary walks, or hours spent swaying in the hammock at the edge of the lawn, pen and paper on his lap. Sometimes Bella would come and lie on a rug on the grass a few feet away, flipping through a small stack of film scripts which her agent had sent her. The warm hours would drift companionably by, and occasionally Adam fed his fantasy by closing his eyes and pretending that no one else existed in this world of sunlight and cricket-song except the two of them.
Cowardice, a wish not to upset the delicate balance of things, prevented him from talking to Megan about where they were going – or rather, not going. There seemed no present need. In the rare moments which they spent alone together, they managed to maintain sufficient kindness and affection to hold things together. But the focus of their concentration was no longer on one another. They made love only once in that week, neither knowing that the other didn’t much want to.
Early on Thursday evening, Charlie rang Bella and told her he would be arriving with Claire the next day. When she put the phone down, Bella went out to the garden where Adam lay in the hammock, reading.
‘Charlie’s arriving tomorrow.’ She sat down crosslegged on the warm grass and began to pluck at it.
‘Did you tell him Derek was here?’
She shook her head. ‘I suppose I was afraid he would react badly. I mean, this house is all about him and me and Dad. You know the way he thinks about the Kinleys. He might regard Derek being here as a kind of intrusion.’
‘I thought you saw this as the perfect way to bring them together.’
‘I did. Now I’m not so sure.’
‘Well, what’s the worst that can happen? They’ve got to get to know each other some time.’
‘Not according to Charlie, they don’t. That’s just it. He’d rather pretend that Derek and the rest of it didn’t exist.’
‘Relax.’ On impulse, Adam reached out a hand and stroked Bella’s blonde head lightly. ‘They’re both civilized human beings.’ She looked up and smiled in such a way that Adam felt his heart tighten. He took his hand away. ‘When he sees how well you and Derek get on, things will be OK. He’ll make an effort.’
She gave a thoughtful smile. ‘We are getting along pretty well, aren’t we? I think the secret is not to expect any more than that. I did, at the beginning. You know, after the time we first went to Deptford – I thought we would experience some kind of instant, magical bonding. But it doesn’t work like that. It’s the same with Leanne and Emma. They’re just people I have to get to know, gradually. Not that I get on with them as well as Megan does. She seems very good with teenagers.’
‘Possibly because she shares a lot of their preoccupations. The world of PR can be somewhat infantilizing.’
‘Ouch.’
‘No, I’m not being unkind. It’s merely an observation.’ Adam hesitated, then said, ‘The truth is, I’ve realized in the past week or so that Megan and I aren’t going to go the distance. She knows it, too. At least, I think she does. I don’t quite know how it happened. Funny how suddenly relationships fall apart.’
Bella gazed at him. She was careful not to register any particular emotion at this news. Why should she feel guilty that he and Megan were breaking up? It was nothing to do with anything she’d done. It had been bound to happen. And now he would be available, hers for the taking. ‘You haven’t talked to her about it?’
‘Not yet.’ He shook his head. ‘I think we both know it’s not a good idea to try to deal with it here and now. We’ll sort it out when we get back to London, I suppose.’ He glanced down at Bella, trying to read her expression as she continued to pluck at the grass. But it was unfathomable. He swung his legs out of the hammock and stretched. ‘Anyway, I’d better not loaf around here much longer. My turn to clean up the barbecue.’ She looked up at him and he smiled. ‘Don’t worry about Charlie and Derek. Remember, it’s their problem, not yours. Let them deal with each other on their own terms. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
She sat and watched as he walked across the grass, wishing she shared his confidence.
Charlie and Claire arrived after lunch on Friday, rolling up in their hired Renault. Bella greeted them on the driveway.
‘I hope you don’t mind there being so many people here,’ she said, kissing them both. ‘The numbers just built up by accident. Adam Downing and three of his friends had a house not far from here which turned out to be a complete disaster, so I said they could stay here.’
‘A bit ultra-hospitable of you,’ said Charlie, who looked hot and grumpy. ‘Who else is here?’
Bella led the way in, carrying a couple of Claire’s many bags. ‘Frank and Bruce – two of the people I did the Orton play with.’
They went upstairs and Charlie led the way to his room. As Claire went in ahead of them, Bella put a detaining hand on Charlie’s arm. ‘And there’s someone else here, someone I very much wanted you to meet.’
Charlie stared at her. ‘Who?’
‘Derek. Derek Kinley. I invited him here with his daughters.’
‘Oh, no.’ Charlie’s expression went dead with disbelief. ‘Oh, no.’
‘Charlie, what are you so afraid of? You have to meet him some time!’
‘I can’t believe you’ve done this. Why didn’t you tell me yesterday that he was here?’
‘Because you wouldn’t have come!’
‘Damn right I wouldn’t! I told you, I wanted all that left alone! Why do you have to be such a bloody busybody? Why do you have to involve me?’
‘Because he’s your brother! Because you are involved, whether you like it or not! All three of us are!’
Claire came to the door. ‘Charlie, this is absolutely marvellous–’ She saw his expression. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘You haven’t told her, have you?’ said Bella. Charlie shook his head. She felt stricken with pity for him. Why was this all so hard for him to face up to? She took her hand from his arm and said gently, ‘Look, I’ll leave you both to – to get yourselves sorted out. I’ll see you later.’
Half an hour later, Claire came downstairs. Bella was in the kitchen alone, peeling p
rawns for the evening’s risotto. She glanced up as Claire came into the kitchen.
‘How’s Charlie?’
Claire sat down and watched Bella in silence for a moment. ‘He’s just told me all about you two. About the adoption, everything.’
Bella nodded. ‘Right. He should have told you weeks ago.’
‘That’s what hurts me. Why didn’t he?’ She turned pained eyes on Bella.
‘I don’t think you’ll like it when I tell you.’
‘I wish someone would. Charlie won’t.’
‘He thought you might think less of him.’
‘Less of him?’
‘Because he’s not who you thought he was. Who he thought he was. Charlie’s ashamed, he thinks you won’t like the idea that he comes from a working-class family in Deptford, that he’s not really the son of a famous poet and novelist, that his brother is actually a garage mechanic. In case you hadn’t noticed, Charlie has always set great store by who people are, their backgrounds, which school they went to. It’s been bred into him. Not surprisingly, he thinks you care about such things, too. Thinks you might not be so keen on marrying him.’
‘How could he possibly think that?’ Claire’s eyes were bright with tears.
‘Perhaps it was something you said along the way. Perhaps it’s the way you always harp on about the awfully good set of chambers Charlie’s in, and the people you know, and the smart dinner parties you go to, and how fantastic your wedding’s going to be, and the great big house you’re going to live in, as though those are the only things he’s good for. Maybe that’s where he got the idea.’
Claire rose from her chair, flaring up in anger. ‘That is so unfair! And what about you? What’s so different and great about you? Turning up at every event going, just hoping to get your photo taken, hoping people will recognize who you are, a second-rate actress who happened to have a famous father!’
‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong. My father was Len Kinley, a complete nobody, a waster and a sponger who apparently never did a good thing in his life, and who talked my mother into giving Charlie and me away in exchange for money. I never got the chance to know him, but I might have loved him if I had. Who knows? The point is, that’s the truth, that’s who I am, and I don’t care what anyone thinks. Poor Charlie does.’
‘And you think that’s my fault?’
‘Not entirely.’ Bella sighed, suddenly feeling weary and contrite. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be hurtful. I’m sure you love Charlie anyway, whatever. But I know he was worried about how you’d react.’
‘Oh, God…’ Claire picked up a cloth and dabbed her eyes. ‘How could he possibly think it mattered to me? The only thing that concerns me is Charlie, and how he is right now.’
‘And how is he?’
‘He’s just so – so panicky about it. About meeting his brother.’
‘It’s not easy to come to terms with a past you never knew you had. I’ve done it, so I know. Charlie hasn’t, and he should.’
‘Maybe all this is why he’s been so difficult over the last few months.’
‘Has he?’
‘Oh, God, he can be awful. He’s moody, he drinks too much… He can be quite hard to love sometimes. But I do.’ Her gaze met Bella’s. ‘I genuinely do. Not just those things that you think matter so much to me.’
‘Well–’ Bella picked up a cloth and wiped her hands, ‘I think you’ll agree with me that it’s important that he meets his brother, and that he begins to accept what’s happened, and who he is. What he hasn’t realized is that it isn’t going to change anything very much. You’re who you are. The past is what happened. In many ways, it’s helped to reinforce my idea of Cecile and Harry as my parents, knowing they weren’t really. That probably sounds stupid.’
‘No, it doesn’t.’ Claire hesitated. ‘I’m sorry about what I said before.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t very nice either. The important thing is Charlie. I’d like you to help him see that it’ll be much better for everyone if he meets Derek and gets to know him. They’re very alike.’
‘Are they?’
Bella nodded. ‘Why don’t you come out and meet him?’
Frank and Compton-King had gone out for the day. The others were at the table by the pool, sitting over the remains of lunch. Bella introduced Claire, and left them all together. As she went back into the house, Adam came after her, catching up with her in the hallway.
‘Where’s Charlie?’
‘Still upstairs. Not in a very great frame of mind, I shouldn’t think. He hadn’t told Claire anything about the adoption or the Kinleys. He’s only just told her now.’
‘Look, I should have realized this before – you can’t just expect to throw them together in front of all the others. Charlie and Derek, I mean.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, I don’t need you to remind me what a mess I’ve made of this! And don’t tell me what to do!’ She put her hands to her face and began to weep. ‘This is all so horrible! It’s not going to work, and I so wanted it to!’
Her sudden outburst of anger was the last thing he expected. ‘Hey, come on, come on…’ Adam laid his hands on her shoulders. Entirely against his better judgement, he drew her close to him and kissed her hair, stroking her back. It was, he told himself, the best way to comfort her. She wept against him for a few moments. He had never intended that she should lift her face to him to be kissed, merely hoped she would. And she did. He leaned back against the wall in the cool dimness of the hall, holding her against him, as close as was possible, drowning in the pleasure of kissing her. Any doubts he had had about whether or not he was in love with her disappeared. Nothing had ever been so perfect, physically and emotionally – that knowledge, that pure and certain happiness, welled up within him.
Bella drew away at last, but he held on to her, speaking her name in a whisper, over and over, brushing the tracks of her tears from her cheeks with his fingers.
‘I’m sorry.’ She gave a little shudder, as though suddenly chilled. ‘I’m always doing this. It’s a comfort thing.’ She released herself gently from his embrace. ‘I have to go up and see Charlie.’
Adam stood, still leaning against the wall, for some moments. How could she do that? How could she bring him to a pitch of such total certainty, and then just… dismiss it as an aberration, a little needy thing of hers? He couldn’t go back outside, not in his present state of arousal. He walked into the living room, sat down on one of the sofas amid a clutter of Gameboys and magazines, and closed his eyes.
*
‘Charlie?’ Bella tapped on the door and opened it, putting her head round. Charlie was lying on the bed, arms folded behind his head, staring at the ceiling.
She came in, closing the door behind her, and sat down on the edge of the bed.
‘I’ve been talking to Claire. I didn’t realize you hadn’t told her till now.’ Charlie said nothing. She stretched out a hand and rubbed his arm affectionately. ‘Oh, Charlie, I’m sorry if I’ve made a pig’s ear of things. I did it with the best of intentions, honestly.’
Charlie sighed, took one hand from behind his head and laid it over Bella’s. ‘I know you did. It’s my problem, not yours.’ He looked at her closely. ‘Have you been crying?’
‘Just a little.’
‘I’m sorry if I was angry. I’m just such a bloody coward about all this.’
‘There’s nothing to be frightened of. Derek’s lovely.’
‘I feel a hell of a sight better having told Claire. I should have done it ages ago.’ He sat up and swung his legs round so that he was sitting on the side of the bed next to Bella. ‘The thing is, you’ve been quite fearless about all this. From the beginning you’ve faced up to it and got your head round it. You went and found them, met them. It’s as though I’ve been dragged along in your wake.’
‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it through properly. I suppose if it had just been you on your own, you would have been happy to leave it all alone. I
shouldn’t have assumed–’
‘Stop blaming yourself. The point is, here we are, and I’ve just got to get on with it.’
‘Look, you can’t just come down and meet him in front of everyone. It’s not fair on either of you. I’ll send Derek up here.’
Charlie was quiet for a few seconds, then said, ‘OK. Tell him to bring a beer up with him.’
Bella went downstairs. As she passed the living room, she didn’t notice Adam on the sofa. He had vanished from her thoughts. Halfway across the lawn she called to Derek, who rose and came over.
‘Charlie’s up in his room. He’d rather not meet you with everyone else around. D’you want to go up?’
Derek nodded. ‘Which one is it?’
‘Third room on the left, first landing. He asked if you’d bring him a beer.’
‘Sure.’
When Bella had gone, Charlie got up from the bed and went to the window, curious in spite of himself. He stood at the edge of the curtain, not wishing to be seen, and watched as Bella crossed the lawn. He saw the tall man with thinning blond hair detach himself from the group by the swimming pool, and walk over to Bella. That was Derek, his brother. A curious sensation of recognition and fearful pleasure filled him. He was big, muscular, like Charlie himself. Prop-forward material, thought Charlie. He watched Derek cross the lawn and enter the house below him, then went to the door and opened it, waiting. After a few moments he heard feet on the stairs, and Derek appeared, holding two bottles of beer. He stopped briefly at the top of the stairs when he saw Charlie in the doorway. Then he came towards him and held out one of the beers. ‘Hello, mate.’
‘Hi,’ said Charlie. He took the beer and stood back to allow Derek to enter the room, then closed the door.
By the poolside, the girls cleared up the dishes from lunch, while Bruce and Bruno went for a game of tennis. Claire had gone for an exploratory walk, leaving Bella to sit anxiously alone, waiting, a half-read book on her lap. She saw Adam emerge from the side of the house through the French windows, heading towards the annexe. He didn’t glance in her direction. She was about to call to him, but stopped herself. All in good time. That kiss in the hallway had told her he was hers for the asking, any time she wanted. The trouble was, she almost didn’t want to let anything develop between them, half-afraid it would be destined to go the same way as all the other affairs. And she so badly wanted it to be different. She felt tears prickle unexpectedly against her eyelids, and wiped them away. Everything was getting to her lately.