And if it didn’t?
If he ended up kissing someone else right in front of me?
Well, I just wanted to get on that trip so I could witness which of the two scenarios would win out. At least then the anxiety of not knowing could be put to rest.
On the morning we left for the trip, I experienced a rush of excitement as I wheeled my suitcase through the school gates and saw the green coach waiting to take us all across the English Channel. Instead of walking into school with Robert or Ben, my mum had decided to go with me. Partly because of the early start – it was six o’clock in the morning and still dark thanks to it being November – but mostly because it was my first ever trip abroad without her and my dad and she wanted to see me off safely. I could already see the tears of concern threatening to spill in her eyes and had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at her – horrified that she was on the verge of embarrassing me with an emotional goodbye.
‘You just make sure you stick with the group, okay?’
‘Yes, Mum,’ I said, trying to stop her from worrying – although it was no use, she’d had her knickers in a twist ever since she and Dad got the first letter about the trip at the start of the school year. Honestly, you would have thought she’d be happy to have me, her premenstrual-screaming-raging-teenage-daughter-who-is-lovely-to-everyone-else-but-the-actual-devil-at-home, out of the house for a little bit. But it appeared not having me at home caused her just as much stress as having me there did.
‘And listen to everything that your teacher says …’
‘Mum, it’s going to be fine!’ I said for the umpteenth time. ‘I’m not a kid!’
‘Don’t you take that tone with me, madam!’
Luckily, Robert started walking towards us. Not only did a pang of nerves shoot through me, but it also stopped Mum in her scolding as she planted a welcoming smile on her face.
‘Hello, Robbie!’ Mum beamed, opening her arms and giving him a big hug. She was always delighted to see him.
When we were nine years old Robert and Ben melted Mum’s heart as they sat on their bikes at our front door asking for me to play outside – seven years later and they still had the same effect on her, although their relationships varied. Robert had my mum wrapped around his little finger. He was incredibly cheeky with her, always winding her up or telling naughty jokes – she couldn’t help but laugh at his funny ways. As for Ben, she was always going on about how respectful and polite he was whenever he came over. The first thing he used to do in our house was ask Mum if she wanted him to make her a cup of tea or if he could help with whatever she was doing, like dinner if she was cooking, or the gardening if she was weeding on the patio. Their glowing personalities made them look like angels and me look like a hormonal brat, although I think that was just the joy of having a teenage daughter – gone was the little princess she’d dressed up in frilly outfits, replaced by an adolescent who huffed and puffed her way through home life. With that in mind, it’s unsurprising that Mum treated the boys as though they were her own delightful kids – the sons she never had. It was clearly a case of wishful thinking.
At sixteen years old, Robert had changed a considerable amount since I’d first met him. I’m pretty sure that, back when we were nine, we were roughly the same height. Not any more. During the summer the year before he’d shot up and become over six feet tall – the difference was astounding. The only trouble was that his body had put so much effort into growing upwards that it had forgotten to grow a little bit outwards too. He was incredibly lanky and clumsy with these long limbs that he’d miraculously accumulated overnight, but there was clearly something endearing about him as females swooned in his presence.
‘You excited?’ Mum asked Robert.
‘Yeah! Can’t wait. Have you got your camera?’ he asked me.
‘Of course!’
‘I’ve only let her take three disposable ones,’ Mum informed him. ‘That way she won’t have to worry if she loses them. You know what she’s like … careless.’
‘Thanks for clarifying that, Mum,’ I grumbled.
‘Have you forgotten what you did with your dad’s binoculars when you went to Dorset?’
I rolled my eyes. Here we go again, I thought to myself. She’d revel in any excuse to bring up how useless I was.
‘Yes, you brought them back covered in cow pat, and then you didn’t even bother to wash them – you just placed them back in the cupboard, where they waited for me and your dad to find them a month later. The smell, Robbie, was atrocious.’
Robert grinned at me as he shook his head.
Other people might have worried about their parents speaking to them, and treating them, like a child in public, but Robert and Ben had seen my mum talk to me in that way countless times, in fact she’d even spoken to them in that tone on numerous occasions (like the time we’d played tag in the garden and ruined some of her newly bloomed flowers – big mistake), so they found it amusing rather than embarrassing. A good thing when my mum was around.
‘So you’ve only let her have three cameras?’ Robert asked my mum with a smirk.
‘Is it a bit much?’ she frowned. ‘You know she likes to take an account of every little detail.’
‘You’re telling me. I’m surprised her face hasn’t morphed into a camera after covering her face with one for so long.’
‘Oh, Robbie,’ my mum giggled in response.
After badgering my parents endlessly, I’d been given a top-of-the-range camera for Christmas the previous year. They probably thought I’d get bored of it and discard it like every other present I’d begged for in the past, but instead I took it everywhere I went. It was irritating that I wasn’t allowed to take it to Paris with me, the disposable cameras would be crap in comparison, but I also didn’t want anything to happen to my most prized possession, so I didn’t put up too much of a fight when they insisted I left it behind. Not that I’d have let them know that – such is the prerogative of a teenage daughter. I thought I was meant to argue against every boundary they set.
‘I was just wondering how on earth she’ll be able to annoy us when those three films have run out,’ continued Robert with a playful shrug.
‘Oi,’ I shrieked, acting insulted.
‘Come on,’ Robert laughed, grabbing for my suitcase. ‘I’ll take it round.’
‘You’re such a gent,’ Mum beamed.
‘I try,’ Rob smiled back before gesturing to the other side of the bus. ‘My mum’s over there talking to Ben and June.’
‘Oh, I didn’t realize your mums were coming too,’ said Mum, clearly happy not to be the only one that’d shown up.
‘What? When there’s a chance to embarrass us? Of course they’re here.’
‘You cheeky little monkey,’ Mum laughed. ‘I’ll tell your mum you said that.’
‘What have you got in this?’ Robert asked me as he tried to do the macho lift with my suitcase, rather than drag it along on its wheels like a girl.
‘Stuff,’ I shrugged. I’d definitely over-packed. I hadn’t had a clue what to take with me so had ended up bunging in loads of extra clothes that morning, even though I knew I wouldn’t end up wearing half of it.
‘We’re only going for a week …’
‘Yeah, yeah … it has wheels, you know. Just use them if your muscles haven’t fully developed yet,’ I teased.
With this he lifted the whole suitcase up onto his shoulder and walked off to put it on the bus.
‘Show off!’ I called after him.
He turned and gave me a wink. I knew the hearts of other girls would have melted at the gesture, but I grimaced back to make him think mine hadn’t. Although, as soon as his back was turned, I couldn’t help a small smile forming on my lips – the nervous excitement bubbling away once again, no matter how much I tried to squash it.
As we walked around the bus we spotted Robert’s mum, Carol, Ben and his mum, June, huddled together in a small group and headed towards them.
Like Robert, Ben h
ad also changed a lot over the years – he’d grown a good couple of feet as well, but he wasn’t quite as tall. Instead, his body had stayed in proportion as it did manage to grow outwards at the same time, giving him a much sturdier appearance. Much to Ben’s annoyance, though, he’d also kept hold of some of his puppy fat – that’s not to say he was fat, there was just a little more of him. Yes, I would have described Robert as a long stick and Ben as a round ball that you just want to squidge. He was soft and cuddly. And his dark facial features had maintained the cuteness that they’d always had. He might not have got the same sort of attention from the ladies as Robert did, but he was well loved by them all nonetheless … they were more likely to go to him for advice (or a squeeze – he was the best hugger, he really held you tight) than to flirt. I don’t think that bothered Ben as he never really seemed into any of the girls that he talked to. My dad had actually asked me at dinner one night if he ‘batted for the other team’. I almost choked on my cottage pie. I told Ben what Dad had said on our way to school the next morning and he’d almost choked on the sweet he’d been sucking … Choking was obviously the standard reaction when questioning Ben’s sexuality. It put an end to that little query, anyway. He was straight, he liked girls, but seemed too laid-back to want to do anything about it.
As we were nearing our group, Ben let out a huge yawn – one that he didn’t bother to cover up with his hands. It seemed to go on forever, highlighting just how tired he was.
‘Bit early for you, love?’ Mum laughed.
‘Just a tad.’
‘Well, you should’ve seen him jump out of bed this morning,’ said June, pointing her thumb sideways in Ben’s direction. ‘I’ve not seen him like that in a while. Anyone would think he couldn’t wait to get away.’
Ben shrugged in innocence with a sheepish grin, wrapped his arm around her and rested his head on hers – he was at least a foot taller than her. I always loved seeing little moments like that pass between Ben and June. Unlike Robert and me, who both went through stages of being embarrassed by our mums (or declaring we hated them), Ben hadn’t. He worshipped her and gladly showed that in public.
‘You would not believe how hard it was to get her up today,’ tutted Mum, giving me a gentle poke in the ribs and making me yelp in shock.
‘Ooh, quick photo of our leaving party before we go?’ I pleaded, pulling one of the cardboard-covered cameras from my coat pocket and winding the film along.
‘Do we have to?’ moaned Mum.
‘Yes.’
‘But I haven’t even got my face on yet … here, give me the ruddy thing. I’ll get one of you and Ben instead,’ she demanded, grabbing the camera off me before I managed to get a quick picture of her make-up free.
I wrapped my arms around Ben’s neck and smiled, but just before Mum captured our pose Robert jumped on us from behind – turning it into a laughing picture of the three of us.
‘I see she’s started already then?’ Rob jokingly asked Ben while frowning at my camera.
‘Only just,’ Ben laughed. ‘Hope you’ve been practising your fake smiles.’
‘Yes, my speciality. Well, now that’s done … Miss James is about to let everyone on the bus. Quick!’ Robert whispered. ‘Bye, Mum,’ he added with a cheeky grin and a wave before turning on his heels and running back around to the door of the bus.
Ben and I instantly sprang to life, the race for the back seat was on. Yes, the downside to being a threesome was that, on coaches, one of us had to sit on our own unless we managed to bagsy the back seat. It wasn’t an easy task when there were so many other groups of friends wanting to get it too – it took some cleverly planned timing and for one of your team to be as quick as a bullet! With Robert first in line, he made the prospect of us getting our desired seats highly likely.
Robert’s mum was close on his heels.
‘If he thinks he’s going to get away with saying a crappy goodbye like that without giving me a proper kiss, when he’s leaving me for a bloody week, he’s got another think coming,’ tutted Carol, as she shook her head and wandered off after him, causing us all to laugh.
‘Bye, Mum,’ Ben said, leaning down and hugging June tightly before giving her a peck on the cheek.
‘Oh, come here,’ said Mum as she took me in her arms for my own cuddle goodbye, which I happily entered into. Despite my huffy appearance, I was nervous about the week away and I knew I’d miss my mum and her crazy ways.
Ben
Sixteen years old …
The excitement on the bus, even at that time in the morning, was sky high. We were getting away from school life, from exam stress and from our parents for a whole week. We were off to chill with our friends in Paris, to marvel at some wonderful art while sketching it (badly) into our workbooks, eat loads of crêpes and to test out our French on actual French people – it was time to see whether we’d actually learned anything in our lessons. I wasn’t holding my breath on that score and had packed my mini French phrase book, just in case – so had Robert and Maddy. For some reason I was doubtful that the one French phrase that stuck in my head, ‘Où est la piscine?’ (where is the swimming pool?) was going to get me very far.
Once Miss James had called the register and found every-body had made it on board, even though it was frightfully early, we were free. Maddy, Robert and I squished up against the window at the back of the bus, and waved goodbye to our mums – all of whom were teary-eyed and rubbing each other’s backs in support. We couldn’t help but laugh at them, making them giggle back at the stupidity of their emotional outbursts. We were only going away for a week – you’d have thought we were moving to the other side of the world indefinitely the way they were carrying on.
As the coach started moving, carrying us away from our mums, away from the school and away from Peaswood, I experienced an unexpected lull – as though reality had hit, causing me to abandon my joyfulness momentarily. I worried about my mum. I shouldn’t have, I knew she was far tougher than I was and could cope with far more than me, but it was the thought of her in that empty house on her own, without me there for company. The other mums had their husbands to rely on, but she obviously didn’t. Dad leaving had made us closer than ever – we looked after each other, made sure we didn’t dwell too heavily and moved each other into the light any time his absence hit us hard. It worried me that she’d have no one to do that for her without me there.
I looked up at the others to find Robert looking back at me. He winked and gave me an encouraging nod. He knew what was on my mind even though I hadn’t said it, and I knew what he was saying even if the words hadn’t worked their way out of his mouth. Mum would be fine. Everything would be okay.
But as soon as my thoughts of Mum had subsided a different feeling arose from the pit of my stomach. This is it, I thought to myself, this is the trip I’ve been waiting for, the trip that will change my future and hopefully give me the girl of my dreams. I took a deep breath to steady the nerves building up inside.
‘You okay?’ Maddy asked to the right of me, her hand resting on my arm.
‘Yeah! Knackered …’
‘Me too,’ she smiled, before taking my hand in hers, resting her head on my shoulder and nuzzling her body into mine.
It felt lovely.
I couldn’t help but smile as I intuitively squeezed her hand. Three times. ‘I love you,’ I declared in what I hoped was the last time I’d have to do so in my coded way. Paris was going to give me the freedom to verbalize it, at last.
‘I love the way you always do that,’ she smiled, rubbing my arm in response to my gesture, clueless as to what it actually meant. ‘Three squeezes. It’s your thing.’
‘Is it?’
‘Yeah,’ she laughed. ‘You must be aware that you’re doing it?’
I stared at her with this gormless expression on my face, but before I could respond she started talking again.
‘Did you see Lauren and Daniel getting on the bus?’
‘I think they’re
here somewhere,’ I said with relief, stretching my back and craning my neck to see over the tops of the seats in front of us.
‘No,’ she giggled, pulling me back into my seat. ‘I mean, did you see the way he asked her if she wanted to sit next to him?’
‘Oh. No. Why?’
‘It was a bit … odd.’
‘Was it?’
‘I don’t even think I’ve ever seen them talk before.’ She was trying to talk as quietly as she could, but her eyes were practically popping out of her head as she willed me to grasp whatever it was she was saying.
I looked at her blankly. It was too early for guessing games.
‘I think he likes her,’ she eventually spelled out.
‘Really?’
‘What’s this you’re whispering about?’ asked Robert, leaning across both our laps so that his face was right in front of ours. He was so close I found it hard to focus on him.
‘Lauren and Daniel,’ Maddy mouthed, smiling.
‘Yup. Spotted it,’ he nodded knowingly, pursing his lips.
‘Really?’ asked Maddy, excited at having a little gossip, especially as it was on the topic of love. She wasn’t a girlie girl, but she was certainly a romantic. ‘Do you think they’ll get it on?’
‘Don’t see why not,’ shrugged Robert.
‘Anyone else you think might?’ Maddy asked, her eyes widening in delight.
‘Let’s see,’ Robert said, taking a quick peek around at the rest of our classmates on the bus, as though to remind himself of who else had joined us on the trip.
‘I think Aaron has a thing for Jessica.’
‘Yeah, but she wouldn’t go near him,’ Maddy protested, shaking her head. ‘Rebecca would, though.’
‘Obviously. She’d have anyone who gave her a chance. So what about you?’ Rob asked her. ‘Anyone you’ve got your eye on?’
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