‘Ah, yeah … that’s totally what I meant,’ he said with a wink before kissing me. ‘Your housemates seem fun.’
‘They’re great. Love you already, I can tell.’
‘They seem like a nice bunch.’
‘They are.’
‘Make sure that Pearl doesn’t lead you astray.’
‘What? How do you mean?’ I asked, instantly feeling defensive over my new friend.
‘She’s a wild one,’ he shrugged. ‘I bet she’ll be getting you lot into all sorts of trouble.’
I thought back to the previous night – us girls and Ben had all gone to Castle Park to sit and relax on the green while taking in the gorgeous views of the castle and the river. We hadn’t been there long before Pearl whipped out five plastic cups, a family-sized carton of Tropicana orange juice (with the bits) and a litre bottle of vodka. Remembering the sore head I’d woken up with that morning, I realized Robert might have had a point – not that I was going to tell him that.
‘What makes you think I’m so easily led?’ I bluffed. ‘You never know, I could be the ringleader.’
Robert raised both eyebrows at me.
‘Yeah, fair point,’ I giggled.
‘I’m sure if you got your camera out right now there’d be all sorts of incriminating evidence.’
I smiled and gave him an innocent shrug, remembering that, as was usually the case, the evening had been well documented – I was always snap happy, but more so when I’d had a bit to drink. I made a mental note to leave my camera at home on nights that might take a turn to the drunk-photos-are-never-a-good-idea zone.
‘So, you’ve managed to find your way back here okay since your first-night adventures?’
‘Yes!’ I groaned. ‘Ben now has my room number memorized, so he’s able to point me in the right direction and get me back safely.’
‘Ha! Just as well he’s here with you. Can you imagine what would’ve happened if you were alone?’
‘I’d have been fine … Well, I would have found my way eventually, I’m sure.’
‘Hmmm …’
‘Although Ben’s bed is actually far more comfortable than mine.’
‘Should I be worried?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Yes, Robert. You should totally be worried that, due to the fact that he has a comfier bed, I’m going to run off with our mutual best friend.’
‘Why, you little …’ he laughed at my cheekiness, squinting his eyes at me before placing his fingers on my ribs and tickling me, making me jerk around with laughter. He lifted me from his lap and swung me around so that we were lying next to each other, leaning in for a kiss with that look in his eyes that left no doubt as to where the moment was leading. His hand expertly found its way under my t-shirt to my skin, where it roamed around in a playfully teasing manner. God I missed having him with me every day, I thought.
‘MATE!’ Ben screamed, opening my unlocked door without knocking, and jumping on top of us with a diving hug, squandering our hopes of a quick fumble. ‘We’ve missed you, buddy!’
‘So I see,’ Robert laughed, returning the hug.
‘We’re just so boring without you – it’s like we’ve lost the ability to have fun,’ I joked.
‘I bet.’
‘We’re like Samson when he chopped off all his hair!’
‘Well, unless Pearl’s around,’ argued Ben. ‘Did you tell him about last night?’
I groaned.
Robert turned to me with a smile – what was it he’d been saying about Pearl? ‘No, she hasn’t … spill!’
‘She got us roaringly drunk. I only signed up for a chilled night with a couple of cans – but somehow we ended up skipping through the city centre at four a.m. pretending we were animals from Snow White – no idea why.’
‘Sounds like quite a night.’
‘It was – she’s crazy.’
‘What’s the plan?’ I asked Ben, changing the subject as I ignored the look Robert was throwing in my direction, clearly finding it funny that I’d been caught out. Yes, Pearl was a little on the wild side, but she was fun. It wasn’t like I was going to go off and do something stupid just because someone jeered me on – I wasn’t nine years old any more. Plus, I knew he’d have been getting up to the same drunken behaviour in Nottingham, the only difference being that I didn’t have a trusted friend there who’d spill the beans on him. Although, I’d no doubt that, with his new gang, he certainly would be the leader, just like he had always been with Ben and me. With us, it really had been a case of he jumped and we followed. Usually without hesitation.
‘You tell me,’ shrugged Ben, in his usual carefree manner. ‘I’m up for anything.’
‘I thought we could go on a bike ride, give Rob a tour,’ I suggested. ‘We have ours here and Flo said there’s a place you can rent one up the road. Fancy it?’
‘Sounds good,’ Robert nodded, still smirking at me.
‘I’m in!’ agreed Ben, jumping up off the bed and heading out into the hallway, keen to get going straight away.
Getting up from the bed I gave Robert a playful shove, making him fall backwards into my flowery pillows.
‘What was that for?’ he laughed.
‘For being so smug!’
‘Come here,’ he smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed and grabbing hold of my waist, looking up at me as he pulled me close. ‘I’m glad you’ve got a nice bunch of people around you.’
‘Good.’
‘I just worry.’
‘About what?’
‘That you’ll forget about me.’
‘Like that’s gonna happen.’
‘Or that you’ll end up like one of those girls.’
‘What girls?’
‘You know, the ones with boobs up to here,’ he smiled, bringing his hand up to below his neck.
‘Have you met many?’
‘Several. It’s been awful.’
‘You poor thing.’
‘I know,’ he pouted. ‘I’m mentally scarred.’
‘I’ll tell you what,’ I purred, running my fingers through his hair. ‘I’ll keep mine under lock and key tonight, to save you from further trauma.’
‘What?’ he practically squeaked.
‘I think it’s for the best.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s a shame really, I had a whole night of fun planned – special outfits and everything,’ I teased with a smile. ‘But, well, I don’t want you to think I’m one of those girls …’
I winked and cackled wickedly, as I freed myself from his embrace and walked out the door.
The majority of trips to see each other during our uni years were Robert driving to us, rather than us going to him. We did go to Nottingham a few times, but seeing as there were two of us in Bristol, it seemed to make sense to do it that way round. As a result I never really got to know the people he lived with, the life he led there or Nottingham itself. I did like it there, though, it felt steeped in history and the main part of the city was absolutely gorgeous with all its old buildings and the big water feature in the square.
I quite liked the fact that he was always coming to me. It felt like he really wanted to see me. Whenever I went there I felt a bit of a nuisance; it was very much a boys’ place – as I’d predicted, the only things out on show in his room were his weights. Oh, and a framed picture of us from our sixth form ball which had been neatly placed on his nightstand. I couldn’t help but smile when I first saw it.
We spoke to each other all the time – a few times every day in fact. He was the first person I spoke to in the mornings, and the last person I spoke to at night. There was not one part of me that queried his loyalty to me. Not one part that worried about him being out and getting drunk with other girls around. Not one part of me that feared he’d go off and cheat. Would it have changed anything if I had? Probably not.
I took for granted the fact that he was my one and that, one day, we’d get married, have babies and grow old together. I didn’t think anythi
ng would come along and jeopardize that. I’d never seriously worried about him being around those girls. Perhaps I should have.
Instead I was content with life. I loved my photography degree and happily snapped away whenever I could (not just when I was given coursework), had my wonderful boyfriend who visited me whenever he could (and was only a phone call away at other times), and a best friend who made me feel like I was back at home whenever he was around (which was most of the time). I knew my uni experience would have been very different if I hadn’t had Ben there to share it with.
I loved how my life was shaping up. Everything seemed to be falling into place.
I should have realized it was all too good to be true.
Ben
Eighteen years old …
I loved uni life – everything about it. The fact that we were suddenly in charge of our own lives; of feeding ourselves, washing our clothes, keeping ourselves occupied with no guidance from our parents, well, from my mum. It felt like anything was possible – if we wanted to go out until eight the following morning, we could. If we wanted to eat McDonald’s for breakfast and Pot Noodles for dinner, we could. If we wanted to wear the same t-shirt three days in a row, we could (although Maddy would have told me off for that one). We were in control and, as long as we turned up for lectures ready to learn and got all our coursework in on time, we were left to our own devices. We’d been taken from our feeble existence in Peaswood and planted in the midst of university mayhem. What wasn’t to love?
Bristol was incredible. At night we were your typical mischievous students, jumping from pubs to clubs, to house parties, and wandering back to our rooms when the sun had already started to rise. But daytimes were a stark contrast – the city offered hundreds of different things to keep us occupied when we weren’t busy in lectures or studying. There was something therapeutic about the place. Bristol was inviting and vibrant and its leafy appearance made it seem more like a big town than an overbearing city. It also had more of a laid-back air to it rather than the fast pace found in most others – instantly making it friendlier.
I’m ashamed to admit that I loved it being just Maddy and me, too – a thought I kept berating myself for having as soon as it popped into my head. I just liked hanging out with her. For us it was just like before, except now we were in this little bubble – a bubble for two. It felt like we were sewn together, living in each other’s pockets. Despite living in different halls, taking different courses and having different lectures, we saw each other daily. We’d grab dinner together, go to the library and study together, go out and get drunk together. And, rather frequently, we’d just chill out together. We’d curl up under my duvet and whack on boxsets of some of our favourite shows – Friends (mutual choice), 24 (my choice), Prison Break (mine again), Gossip Girl (hers, totally hers) and Dawson’s Creek (hers, but I have to say, it turned into my guilty pleasure). Hours of our time were spent like that and I loved it – it was even better than when Robert dated Daniella when we were fourteen, leaving us as a two. It just felt lovely …
That first instance of her sleeping in my room hadn’t been a one-off, in fact it kicked off a regular occurrence – something that was never planned, but always a likelihood if she was too drunk, or if we stayed up late watching something on the television and she hadn’t the energy to venture back to her own bed. It was easy and there was absolutely nothing sordid in it, certainly not from her part. As she lay beside me, gently snoring (she’d hate me saying that), it was almost weird to think that I wasn’t her boyfriend. That she belonged to someone else … our other best friend.
It pained me to realize that the reason she was doing that with me was because she felt so comfortable, because she had no idea of the feelings lurking inside of me. The ones I’d been suppressing since the moment I met her. I’d often lie there wondering how she would react if I just blurted it out and told her. Would she freak out? Be angry that I’d kept it from her? Pity me? Love me back?
Even as I thought about it, I knew I’d never just come out and say it – because of Robert. Not just because she was with him, but because I knew he trusted me more than anything. There was no other guy in the world he’d trust to be in his girlfriend’s life to the extent that I was. I’ve often wondered if he found it weird, us being together so much. He never voiced any aversion to it, so I assumed not.
For a large chunk of our lives, when they went off to uni together, Maddy saw Ben more than she saw me – something that worried me and pleased me in equal measure. I’ve known Ben my whole life, so I know what a great guy our best friend is. My worry was that she’d suddenly have an epiphany and realize she was with the wrong friend.
Ben
Twenty-one years old …
Our third year came along and chomped us on the arse with terrifying speed, leaving us with only a few months to figure out where we wanted to live once we’d finished and what we were actually going to do with our lives once we were handed our scrolled-up certificates and sent on our merry way into the big bad world of reality. On top of that we were craning our necks trying to complete dissertations and final assignments, as well as attending our normal lectures.
On April 16th, a Friday afternoon (I remember the date clearly for reasons you’ll come to understand), I found myself free from lectures. Rather than sitting indoors and fretting over my remaining work, I’d decided to make the most of the freak springtime heatwave and go on a mammoth bike ride along the coast. I’d asked Maddy if she wanted to come but she’d declined, insisting she was too busy finishing off coursework – I pictured her sat on her bed, frantically editing her latest photographs, a worry line forming on her brow. She was such a perfectionist, but it paid off. Her work was always awesome. She had a natural eye for capturing little moments, even if photography was something she insisted was something she ‘fell into’ through being clueless about her future plans.
So, there I was, enjoying the glorious weather and the salty wind blowing through my hair, when Robert called. Needless to say we still spoke on the phone daily, some days two or three times. Maddy always joked that I spoke to him more than she did; I think, back in those days, she could have been right. I pulled over and got off my bike before picking up, perching on a stony wall that was separating me from the sandy beach below.
‘Mate!’ I breathed into the phone, my lungs only just starting to recover. ‘You coming down tomorrow night?’
‘Something’s happened,’ he blurted, steamrolling my chatter with haste.
Everything inside me froze as I heard the fear in his voice. It was far from the calm and cheeky tone I was used to hearing – I knew it was something serious.
‘What’s happened? Are you okay?’
‘No …’
‘Rob, what is it?’ I instantly thought the worst. I thought he was about to tell me something had happened to my mum.
‘I’ve done something really stupid.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve slept with someone …’
‘You’ve what?’
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was hit by a wave of nausea as my surroundings slipped away from me, all my senses focusing on Robert’s voice.
‘You heard,’ he muttered, not wishing to repeat it.
‘When?’
‘Last night.’
‘Fuck!’
‘Yeah … what a cock,’ he berated himself.
‘But what about Maddy?’
‘I know.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Have you told her?’
‘No! I wanted to tell you first.’
‘Why? I’m not telling her for you,’ I stammered, not wanting to be the one to break her heart – he could do that himself.
‘Of course not, I wasn’t going to ask you to. I just wanted you to know so that you can be there, you know, when I do.’
‘Right, yeah. When you going to do that?’
�
�Now. When I get off the phone to you.’
I thought of Maddy going about her day as usual, blissfully unaware that her boyfriend was about to drop the biggest bombshell on her. I couldn’t believe Robert, the guy who we thought we knew so well, who was loyal and trustworthy, could do such a thing.
‘Why’d you do it, Rob? Who is she?’
‘I can’t answer why, it just happened. She’s just a girl. A random, stupid, girl.’
‘Fuck!’
Neither of us spoke for a few minutes – a million different thoughts raced through my head as I tried to make sense of it all.
‘Look, I’ve got to phone Maddy. I’ve got to tell her.’
‘What are you going to say?’
‘I don’t know. I’m so confused by the whole thing.’
‘Right …’
‘Look, just be there, okay?’
‘Of course … aren’t you going to come see her?’
‘I think I should do it on the phone. Just get it over with. Get it out there.’
‘But –’
‘I can’t, Ben. I just can’t,’ he said forcefully.
Anxiety took a hold of me as we said goodbye. I stayed there for a few minutes, perched on the wall looking out to sea, trying to calm myself down and compose myself as I watched the waves relentlessly crash and foam.
I was angry at Robert, angry that he’d messed up in such a huge way. Maddy wasn’t just some girl he’d been dating for a few years, although that would have been bad enough, she was his best friend. Our best friend. One of us. How could he be such an idiot? Why would he risk losing her for some random girl?
I felt helplessly sad for Maddy. She’d never been the jealous type, never uttered a word of worry to me about what Robert was up to in Nottingham without us to hang out with. I knew the news would crush her.
Cursing Robert for not having the guts to come and face up to his actions, I shakily jumped on my bike and started to make my way to hers, ready to pick up the pieces of her broken heart that my trusted friend had so thoughtlessly trampled on.
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