But she was equally sure of something else as she climbed out of bed and shrugged dispiritedly into a dressing gown.
In spite of her determination to fight this illness and win, her longing for independence and her hatred of the phobias that kept her trapped within these walls, it was going to be a long, long time before Gwen McCabe could summon enough courage to leave the house again.
CHAPTER FIVE
THE DAY AFTER she had dinner with Rex, Lindsay called a meeting for the six boys who were year-round residents. They gathered in her office with a good deal of noisy shuffling and jostling, then waited a little nervously for her to speak.
Danny Graves sat cross-legged on the floor near her chair, holding a jar containing a live garter snake. Clint Kraft also refused to take a chair. Instead he lounged near the door, arms crossed, looking bored and sulky. The other four boys, Jason and Tim Bernstein, Lonnie Schneider and Allan Larkin, all sat in front of Lindsay’s desk and seemed increasingly tense about this unexpected summons.
Lindsay smiled at their anxious expressions.
The Bernstein brothers were thirteen, still teetering on the edge of puberty. They were slender and delicately blond, identical in appearance but with widely varying characters. Tim, who suffered cruelly from asthma, was shy and easily upset. But Jason Bernstein was cocky to the point of belligerence, and very protective of his fragile twin.
Lonnie Schneider at fourteen was a plump boy, affable and lovable as a clumsy puppy, though lazy and often careless with his work. In one of those odd, mismatched friendships that Lindsay often observed among the boys, Lonnie had chosen a completely opposite personality for his best friend. Allan Larkin, also fourteen, was thin, bespectacled and full of energy, obsessively neat, a perfectionist almost to the point of compulsiveness.
Lindsay loved the whole group of them, quirks and all, and knew most of their secrets, their fears and shy boyish hopes. Besides little Danny, the only one who caused her much concern was Clint Kraft, their newest resident. Clint was sixteen, with a voice that had already deepened and the beginnings of a moustache sprouting on his upper lip. He was tall, dark and lean, with a coldly withdrawn manner.
Clint had been sent to the ranch on remand by the Colorado Juvenile Court after being involved in a gang-related robbery in Denver. The court felt the boy had some potential and would benefit more from the supportive environment at Lost Springs than a dreary stay in some detention facility. But during the three months since Clint’s arrival, Lindsay hadn’t observed much progress.
The dark-haired boy talked as little as possible to anybody. The only thing he seemed to enjoy at the ranch was working with the horses, so Sam had assigned him to the stables, where he spent the day currying, grooming and exercising dozens of horses while the other boys were gone for the summer.
Lindsay watched as Clint cast her a restless glance, then began edging toward the door.
‘‘Is this gonna take long?’’ he asked in his deep young voice. ‘‘Because I got things to do.’’
‘‘Not very long, Clint. Besides, you can afford to take a little break from work.’’ She gave the tall boy a warm smile, which he ignored, staring down at his boot toe as he kicked the floor.
Lindsay raised Danny to stand next to her, and slipped an arm around him.
‘‘I’m going to keep my snake until it has babies,’’ the little boy told her, squinting into his jar, ‘‘and then I’m going to name every one of them and have them all for pets.’’
‘‘Not much chance of that snake having babies unless she gets a boyfriend.’’ Lonnie snickered, nudging Allan, who sat next to him.
‘‘Why not?’’ Danny said.
All the boys guffawed except for Clint, who scowled and looked out the window again.
‘‘Looks like somebody has to tell Danny where babies come from,’’ Jason Bernstein said, setting off another round of chuckles.
‘‘I’ll tell him,’’ Lonnie volunteered.
‘‘Oh, no you won’t,’’ Lindsay said firmly. ‘‘I will tell Danny all about his snake and its babies, thank you very much.’’
‘‘What about them?’’ Danny asked, while the older boys watched Lindsay with expectant grins.
‘‘Tonight, after supper,’’ she told the little boy, ‘‘we’ll go for walk by the creek and have a long talk about snakes. Right now,’’ she added, anxious to divert the group’s attention from snakes and sex, ‘‘there’s something else I want to tell all of you.’’
Danny looked up at her alertly, gipping the jar in his arms. ‘‘Is this about the big secret?’’
Lindsay smiled at him. ‘‘Yes, Danny,’’ she said, ‘‘that’s exactly what it is.’’
‘‘What secret? Hey, what’s he talking about? What does Danny know that we don’t?’’ the other boys yelled, making the smaller child puff up with importance. His freckled face shone.
‘‘Danny knows we’re doing something special next week,’’ Lindsay said. ‘‘It’s going to be a treat for those of you who are spending the whole summer at the ranch.’’
‘‘Oh, a treat,’’ Clint muttered from the back of the room, his voice heavy with sarcasm. ‘‘Yippee.’’
‘‘Shut up, Kraft,’’ Lonnie said, brave for the moment because he was in a group with an adult present.
Lindsay knew that plump, easygoing Lonnie would never dare to rebuke the older boy if they were alone. In reality, all the Lost Springs residents, even Lindsay herself, were a little intimidated by this sullen, taciturn youth.
‘‘Yes,’’ she said calmly. ‘‘It’s going to be a real treat. And I’m about to tell you what it is.’’
Danny edged closer, jumping from one foot to the other, his snake forgotten for the moment. Even his curly red hair seemed electric with anticipation.
‘‘What is it?’’ he said. ‘‘What’s the treat, Lindsay?’’
‘‘We’re going on a trail ride into the mountains,’’ she said. ‘‘We’re going to take packhorses and camping gear and spend a whole week in the wilderness.’’
The boys, all except Clint, stared at her in wondering disbelief. For a moment the room was utterly silent, then broke into an uproar.
Lindsay help up a hand, smiling. ‘‘One at a time,’’ she said in response to their shouted questions. ‘‘Yes, we’ll cook all our own food, and you’ll sleep out with no tents. We’ll haul the horses in trailers over to the eastern side of the mountains and make a circuit there. Everybody gets to go.’’
Tim Bernstein was watching her with anxiety. Lindsay gave him a reassuring nod. ‘‘I’m making arrangements to take along an extra supply of your asthma medication, Tim,’’ she told him. ‘‘And inhalers, too. You shouldn’t have any problem.’’
The blond boy relaxed and began to talk excitedly to his brother.
Danny was still beside her, looking silent and downcast as the older boys chattered among themselves. Lindsay drew him close to her.
‘‘Hey, what’s the matter, cowboy?’’ she murmured. ‘‘Why such a long face?’’
A tear slipped down his freckled cheek, followed by another. ‘‘You said...’’ He gulped and swallowed. ‘‘You said the surprise would be something I can do, too.’’
Lindsay stroked his hair. ‘‘Well, of course it is. You’re coming along with us, Danny. I would never think of leaving you behind.’’
‘‘I am?’’ His eyes widened. ‘‘I get to ride a horse and camp out with all these big guys?’’
‘‘Absolutely,’’ Lindsay told him. ‘‘In fact you’ll be one of the most important campers, because I want you to help me with the food. It takes a lot of supplies to feed six boys for a whole week.’’
‘‘Five,’’ Clint said from the back of the room.
The others twisted in their chairs to look at the boy,
but Clint’s eyes were fixed on Lindsay.
‘‘You can count me out,’’ he told her. ‘‘I got better things to do with my time than ride around in the trees with a bunch of snotty little kids.’’
Lindsay met his challenging gaze with deliberate calm, and was relieved when the tall youth was first to look away.
‘‘I’m afraid you have no choice in the matter, Clint,’’ she said. ‘‘Everybody’s included on the trip. Since we’ll all be gone, I’m using this opportunity to give the ranch staff a week’s holiday before the fall term, so this whole place will be closed down. If anybody stayed behind I’d have to cancel the camping trip.’’
‘‘So cancel it,’’ he muttered, kicking at the floor again. ‘‘Because I’m not going on any stupid little trail ride.’’
The other boys turned back to Lindsay, their faces reflecting stunned disappointment.
‘‘I’m not canceling the outing, Clint,’’ she said quietly. ‘‘And I’m insisting that you go along because I need you. Every boy will have a job to do, but yours will be the most important of all.’’
‘‘What kind of job?’’ he asked suspiciously.
‘‘We’re putting you in charge of the horses,’’ she said. ‘‘You already spend more time working with them than anybody else, and you seem to be learning a lot. We’ll need eight saddle horses and at least half a dozen spares to carry our packs, so that’s fourteen animals to care for. I want you to pick the horses for us, and choose one of the other boys for a helper so you can make sure the horses are properly looked after.’’
Clint looked up. Some indefinable emotion flickered in his dark eyes but was quickly masked.
Lindsay waited.
‘‘Okay,’’ the tall boy said at last. ‘‘I’ll pick Larkin to help me, then. Schneider’s too lazy and the twins are just babies, not much better than him.’’
He jerked a contemptuous thumb in Danny’s direction. The little boy gulped nervously and edged closer to Lindsay, who gave his shoulder a comforting pat.
‘‘Lindsay, will you be the only one coming with us?’’ Allan asked.
‘‘No, Rex is going to come along, too,’’ she told the boys.
‘‘Rex?’’ one of them asked in disbelief. ‘‘Can he even ride a horse?’’
‘‘Of course he can,’’ Lindsay said with a good deal more confidence than she felt. ‘‘He grew up here, you know, and took riding lessons from Sam just like all the other boys do.’’
‘‘But he’s a big-shot lawyer,’’ Tim protested, ‘‘not a cowboy. It should be Sam going along with us.’’
‘‘Sam needs a holiday,’’ Lindsay said. ‘‘And Rex and I will be just fine as group leaders. We went on lots of trail rides when we were younger.’’
‘‘A lawyer and a woman,’’ Clint scoffed derisively, lounging by the door. ‘‘Wow, this should be a great trip. Just great.’’
Lindsay was angered by his insolence, but decided not to make an issue of it in front of the others. Instead she ignored Clint, resolving to speak with him privately at the first opportunity.
‘‘And the rest of you,’’ she said as if he hadn’t spoken, ‘‘will be assigned your jobs tomorrow. Think about what kind of duties you’d like, and any special research projects you might want to do while we’re in the wilderness. Then we’ll all meet back here in my office tomorrow afternoon at three o’clock to start planning our trip.’’
The boys whooped aloud and clattered from her office. All of them gathered outside on the grass to talk in a excited clump except for Clint, who strode off to the stables without a backward glance.
Even little Danny was part of the group, Lindsay noted with satisfaction as she watched them through the window. He stood in their midst, bouncing up and down as usual. Inside the glass jar his snake was also bobbing uncomfortably, and Lindsay made a mental note to coax him into releasing the poor thing that evening after their little talk.
Suddenly she remembered the purpose of the talk and grinned ruefully. She’d had discussions about sex with many of the boys over the years, and answered questions that would probably have thrown people with less experience into red-faced speechlessness.
But Danny was younger than the boys she was accustomed to working with, and she wasn’t entirely sure what approach to take.
‘‘Why so pensive, my fair lady?’’ a voice said near the door.
Lindsay glanced up, startled, then smiled when she saw Rex standing just inside the room.
‘‘Danny and I are going to have a little talk tonight about the birds and the bees. And snakes.’’
‘‘Snake sex?’’ He moved closer, his mouth lifting in the lopsided grin she’d always loved but seldom saw anymore.
‘‘Well, I’m hoping I’ll be able to make a smooth transition from snake courting to human sexuality before we finish. It’s time Danny got a few of his questions answered properly, or God knows what the boys will start teaching him.’’
Rex hoisted himself lightly onto her desk, still watching her intently. ‘‘So, Lin, what are you going to tell Danny about sex?’’
Something in his expression made her cheeks grow warm. She turned away, pretending to search through a filing cabinet.
‘‘I’m going to tell him,’’ she said over her shoulder, ‘‘that sex is a wonderful, loving thing adults do when they care about and respect each other, and with the right person it can be...’’
She turned to find him staring at her with an unfathomable look in his eyes.
‘‘What?’’ he asked when she paused. ‘‘What can sex be, Lin?’’
‘‘Lots of fun,’’ she said with forced lightness, edging past Rex without touching him and sinking gratefully into the familiar safety of her desk chair. ‘‘But I do try to refrain from letting the boys know how much fun sex can be. At this age, anyhow.’’
‘‘Do you find sex enjoyable?’’ he asked curiously, leaning back on the desk. ‘‘Are you a woman who laughs during lovemaking? I’ve always wondered about that, you know.’’
Lindsay felt a rising panic, along with a bracing touch of annoyance. ‘‘Well, you have no business wondering things like that where I’m concerned,’’ she said crisply. ‘‘None at all.’’
‘‘So you’ve never speculated about me?’’ he asked, balancing a stone paperweight in his hand. Lindsay had always liked Rex’s hands, with their square palms and long, capable fingers. ‘‘Not even when we were kids, going out together?’’
Lindsay shook her head. ‘‘Back then I was so innocent, I hardly knew what sex was. I had a big crush on you when we were teenagers, but surprisingly little idea what...what men and women did in bed.’’
He eyed her steadily. ‘‘It’s a pity we never got the chance to find out.’’
A rush of desire sang through her body, warm and treacherous, making her feel full of yearning. She struggled to get her mind back on the stacks of paperwork.
‘‘Rex, cut it out, okay?’’ she said, beginning to recover her equilibrium. ‘‘Just stop it.’’ Lindsay glared at him directly, noting his clothes for the first time. Her mouth dropped open in shock.
He chuckled. ‘‘Hey, that’s so cute. You look just like a guppy.’’
Lindsay closed her mouth and punched his arm. ‘‘Oh, shut up. Why are you dressed like that?’’
Rex looked down at his jeans, boots and plaid shirt. ‘‘This?’’ he asked vaguely, as if he wandered around the ranch all the time in cowboy gear. ‘‘Do you like it? I bought a new Stetson, too.’’
‘‘What gives? Are you having an early midlife crisis, or what?’’
‘‘Maybe I’m just getting in the spirit for our big trail ride,’’ he said. ‘‘It occurred to me that I probably can’t wear a suit and wing tips and carry my briefcase into the mountains, can I?’’
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Lindsay smiled at this image, relieved that the conversation had finally turned away from sex. ‘‘You could try,’’ she said, ‘‘but it wouldn’t be a really good idea. The boys are already pretty nervous about having you come along.’’
‘‘They think I can’t ride a horse anymore?’’
‘‘Something like that,’’ Lindsay said dryly. ‘‘Can you?’’ she added, unable to resist.
‘‘Lindsay,’’ he said, looking into her eyes, ‘‘I can do a whole lot of things better than you ever imagined.’’
She held his gaze for a moment, almost mesmerized by the warm, lazy blue of his eyes and his unmistakable meaning.
‘‘What a shame,’’ he said, breaking the awkward silence, ‘‘that you didn’t choose to have our bachelor auction weekend at that villa in Greece.’’
With sudden, dazzling clarity, she pictured a hot summer sun on Mediterranean vineyards, warm black nights under a shimmer of stars, romantic little dinners on a stone-flagged patio with cheese and bread, and bottles of wine wrapped in raffia.
And Rex alone with her, this new, disturbing Rex who kept looking at her so intently...
‘‘I’m sure it’ll be a whole lot more fun to camp out in the mountains and eat beans with the boys,’’ she said.
What on earth had gotten into the man?
She’d known Rex Trowbridge practically all her life, and now he was acting so strangely. And her physical response to his teasing was also bizarre, almost beyond her control.
‘‘Are you hitting on me, Rex?’’ she asked suddenly. ‘‘After more than twenty years of a pretty good friendship, have you decided to get ridiculous and mess our lives up completely?’’
‘‘What if I have?’’
‘‘Then I want to know why.’’ Lindsay turned away from his probing gaze. ‘‘Have you decided you’re a little bored this summer and I’m the last woman in Wyoming you haven’t conquered?’’
‘‘Maybe I’ve decided...’’
But Lindsay waved a hand to silence him when she saw her uncle striding across the ranch yard.
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