by H. M. Ward
Emily preens and her shoulders go back, neck long and lean. You’d think I paid her the highest compliment she ever received. Apparently, she was going for the ‘fuck off’ outfit and nailed it. “You don’t look so bad yourself. I like the new non-gym attire. It’s like you’re not a PE major or something. Once you get a few paint stains on those jeans, you’ll blend right in with the rest of us.”
I laugh and wince slightly, careful not to put my hand on my distressed muscles. My all-nighter made it very clear I don’t have abs of steel. “I’m sure.”
Emily notices how I tense I am and the way my eyes start to press shut. Chewing her food in the side of her mouth, she swallows and asks, “Working out?”
You could say that. “Yeah. I’m channeling all my unresolved anger into an awesome workout plan.”
Also known as the ‘screw Nate until I can’t walk’ method. It’s done wonders for my mood. I feel light and limber. The part of me that was emotionally overridden and shorting out has stopped arcing like a fork in a microwave. I was totally ready to blow, well, not like that. Although, that was a good diversion. Nate tastes good, sweet almost. Probably from drinking all that juice. I smirk, not meaning to. I need to buy him some more OJ.
Emily’s fork balances on her finger as she stares at me. “A new workout plan? Is it hard?”
I suppress a grin. “Yeah, it’s really hard, the hardest I’ve ever done.” Double entendre. Inner giggle. I go straight-faced when Emily blinks at me, not looking away.
“Does it target your stomach and butt?”
“Amongst other areas, yeah.” I’m stuffing a taco in my face to hide my I-had-sex smile.
Emily nods. At first I don’t think she has a clue. She keeps stepping in it, rambling on about how she needs to work on her ass and if this new exercise could make her tighter, perkier.
“Totally, all of the above.” Tighter, perkier, and all around happier.
Carter saunters over with a tray in his hands and sits down next to me. A rail of a guy who is uber tall and covered in piercings, also sits down next to Emily and suddenly there are a lot of people.
The conversation keeps going and Carter chimes in. “You hit 25,000 steps yesterday. What the hell were you doing?” Carter pulls the tomatoes off his tacos as he watches me out of the corner of his eyes.
The Fitbit. Damn it. I forgot to take it off last night. Emily says casually, “New workout. She was at it all night.”
“Yeah.” I stuff a taco in my face and wish I had more food to hide behind. I need to get out of here before he starts asking questions. As it is, I think Emily knows.
She flashes a cool look my way and continues, “Next time you work out, bring me with you.” It’s a command, not open for rejection.
I hedge, “It’s not really a group thing.”
Her eyes flash and my stomach sinks. She knows. She has to know, but if she did then she’d be in my face about Nate being a professor. She’d hate me. Maybe she hasn’t figured it out after all. “Since when is an exercise class not a group thing?”
“Well, I meant they don’t have any more openings.” I start collecting my tray, throwing my utensils on top of my plate, and slip my fingers under the tray preparing to stand. “I need to run.”
“Where’s it at?” Emily presses.
I’m standing now and about to walk away from the table. “I don’t have the address. I’ll grab it for you later, okay?”
Carter picks up his phone and speaks while his eyes are glued to the screen. “I can grab the address for you. Kerry, just open the—” his voice trails off as he pushes buttons on the screen.
“I said I’ll get it later. Carter, stop—” But he doesn’t. I know what he’s going to see before he opens it.
The Fitbit has GPS.
It’s normally used to show which running path the wearer took and clocks miles when there’s vigorous movement. Carter set up the Fitbit so it would share everything with him. It was supposed to be for fun, to see who could take more steps. At least that’s what he said when he put the app on my phone and added me as his friend in the app. He’ll see everything. It’ll pinpoint Nate’s house and show wiggly purple lines all over his property. How the hell am I supposed to explain that?
Maybe he won’t know it’s Nate’s house. Maybe I can lie and say I was running on a treadmill for hours. That sounds plausible, assuming he’s never been to Nate’s house. Some teachers invite students over to their homes, usually at the end of the semester. I haven’t been here long enough to know if Nate is one of those types of professors.
Carter’s features turn stoic. Shit. He knows. His gaze lingers on the screen like he recognizes that address. His expression is lost in the middle, somewhere between regret and shock. The corners of his mouth turn up and he sports a plastic smile. “Oh yeah, that place. It’s the fitness center on the corner of Amarillo with all the new equipment.”
I stand there, stunned that he covers for me.
“Yeah, they’re open 24 hours.” I add to the lie, not thinking. I want Carter to face me, to say that he doesn’t blame me for seeing Nate. But that’s not the way it goes. Instead of anger, I get apathy. Surprisingly, it feels much worse.
Emily starts talking to the other guy and their conversation shifts toward other things. I linger with my tray in my hands, and then say softly, “Carter?”
“Yeah?” He doesn’t turn. He acts unaffected, continuing to shovel his lunch in his mouth.
“Can you walk with me? I wanted to ask you about something.” The pit of my stomach twists and the tacos aren’t sitting well.
“Yeah.” He grabs his tray and hauls ass across the cafeteria, dumping his tray of half-eaten food before exiting.
I follow him into the student center, and then outside into the quad. We walk along the bricked path for a while before I finally spit it out. “Why did you cover for me?”
He shrugs. Says nothing.
“Carter, I met him before I knew he was teaching here.”
“And you should have stopped when you realized there was a serious conflict of interest.” He turns toward me, stopping, his face flashing with alternating blasts of anger and disappointment.
“Weeks had passed by then. I thought he was a teaching assistant and he thought I was a model. He didn’t know what Dr. Jax did the first week of class—how I ended up modeling. Anyway, that’s over now. I’m not doing it anymore. Things can go back to the way they were.” I reach for his arm, but he glares at me. I drop my hand.
“Right, because that makes screwing the teacher more acceptable. It doesn’t affect your grades at all.” His voice is high as he hurls barbs at me, his hands flying through the air as he rants. “There’s no way he’d favor you after something like that. No man can compartmentalize that much, Kerry. If you want to whore your way to an early graduation, go ahead. Who am I to judge?”
Something inside me snaps. Nate’s the only shred of peace I’ve had since I stepped foot in this state, and there’s no way in Hell I’m going to let Carter piss on it. I plaster both palms on his chest and shove. “Hey! How dare you say that to me? I told you what happened and with everything else going on in my life—”
He cuts me off, “Oh, boo hoo. Suck it up, Kerry. Everyone has shit going on. You’re not the only one whose life got fucked up. You can’t blame other people for your problems and you sure as hell can’t cheat your way through college, not while I’m still breathing.”
I blanch. “Are you threatening me?”
“It’s not a threat. Break it off with Professor Smith or I’ll go straight to administration. He’ll be fired and you’ll get expelled.” Carter’s face is stone, completely devoid of emotion.
It feels like he’s reached into my chest and ripped out my lungs. I can’t breathe. “Carter, it’s not like that. We don’t have a relationship. We’re not dating.”
He rolls his eyes and laughs bitterly. “Got it. I was right the first time and it’s whoring around, is it?”
“No, you stupid, thoughtless ass! It’s my life and I don’t have to justify my actions to you!” I’m in his face, yelling. My hands fist at my sides and I don’t know where to put them. I want to strangle him, hit him, and make him be my friend again. Where did my Carter go? It’s like he was never there at all.
He clucks his tongue and shakes his head. He places his hand on my shoulder and steps in closer before saying softly, “That’s where you’re wrong. You have to make me believe you’ve earned every grade given to you by Nathan Smith without an ounce of doubt. If you don’t convince me, you’ll end up back where you started with your idiot mother and your ex-boyfriend who prefers the older sagging Kerry Hill model.”
Fire surges through my veins and propels my fist to draw back, and then fly forward. All the pain and fear of my mother’s affair is packed into that punch. Every ounce of betrayal, every last bit of doubt and self-loathing laces around each finger, making my fist stronger, urging my arm onward and pulling the weight of my body behind it.
When my knuckles connect with his jaw, Carter’s head swings to the side. Everything happens in seconds, but the movements inch by slowly as if suspended in time. As my fist drops, his eyes slide to meet mine.
Shock and hurt are apparent, but then his gaze becomes dull, lifeless. Carter acts like nothing happened. He straightens and looks down at me. “Like I said, if I see you at his house again, I’m reporting it. And keep the Fitbit on, Kerry, or I’ll head to the dean’s office right now.”
As I watch him walk away, anger gushes through me, but something milder is tempering it and keeping me from following him. I don’t know if it’s disappointment or the fact that I’m certain I’ve lost another friend, but it douses my rage until it’s barely an ember.
CHAPTER 6
I’m standing on the sidewalk, alone, when Josh passes by. I watch him, but don’t move. We don’t walk toward each other or wave. There’s no laughter on his face today and all the mirth has been sucked from my soul at the moment. My arms are wrapped around my middle and I’m feeling small, wishing I didn’t have such shitty relationships. Every single friendship is tainted with something bad, something I can’t quite navigate.
Josh stops and stands there. It’s like he wants to come over, but won’t be the first one to step forward. I sigh, drop my arms, and walk toward him. When I’m close enough, he asks, “Are you all right?”
Nodding, I answer, “Yeah, I’m fine. I take it you saw that whole mess?”
“Unfortunately. I’m sorry, Kerry.”
“Yeah, well, don’t be. He’s not worth it. You were right all along.”
Josh hesitates and then asks, “Did you do what I asked? Do you know about me, about what I did?” His lips thin as he presses them tightly and stuffs his hands in his pockets. His gaze shifts so that it’s clear he doesn’t want to look me in the eye at the moment.
“I don’t believe it. There had to be a reason, or a misunderstanding, right?” My voice raises an octave and comes out like a whisper. “I just can’t believe you raped a girl.”
Josh’s face twists into disgust. “Are you serious? Even after reading all that, you think there’s no way I did it? Kerry, I did it—”
Shaking my head, I step back. “It’s not possible. You’re too—“
“You’re not listening. There was no mistake, no misunderstanding. There was nothing to misunderstand.” His green eyes bore into me as his lips curl in disgust. “How could you even think?” He pauses and then a moment later, adds, “You didn’t read the report. Someone told you and you didn’t bother reading anything about it.”
“No, I didn’t read anything. There’s no way that you did something like that. You’re not that kind of guy.” Before I can finish my thoughts, Josh pulls out his phone, navigates to an article and hands it to me.
“This is the truth and it’s something you need to know if you care about me in any way, shape, or form. Read it.”
My heart rises up into my throat and thumps there for a moment. I can’t swallow it back down, and I don’t want to see what he’s showing me. I take his phone and look down at a police report. An intoxicated Joshua Gallub sexually assaulted a co-ed at a party on Halloween his freshman year. There are pictures, a torn Cleopatra costume, bruises on her thighs and wrists. My lower lip trembles as I read in graphic detail the events of that night and what he did to that woman.
When I finish, I’m shaking, unable to hide it. Tears sting my eyes, but don’t fall. There’s only one word in my mind, one relentless question that won’t be still. “Why?”
His eyes avoid mine as he turns from me, and stares at a point on the horizon. “There was no reason. I did it. I wanted her, and when she said no, I didn’t stop. I lost everything important to me that night, but she lost so much more. I was horrified the next day when I realized what I did. I went to find her, to apologize, but there’s no way to make amends for something like that. Kerry, I killed part of her. She’ll never be the same because of me. No matter what I do, I can’t fix that.”
“What happened?”
“She reported it to the campus police that night and they blew her off.”
“What?”
“They didn’t believe her. She was dancing with me that night, and a lot of people saw us making out. They blamed her, said she must have sent mixed signals to a drunk guy and that she needed to get her story straight before she comes in crying wolf.”
“Oh my god. What happened? How did the police hear about this, then?”
He looks up at me. “I told them.”
“What?” I stare at his face, dually shocked. “You reported it?”
“There’s no way to fix it, but I didn’t want her thinking that it was her fault. It wasn’t. I reported it. There was no trial, no questioning. I put her through enough. I had my lawyer ask her what she wanted, how I should pay for what I did. She asked for leniency in exchange for a promise. I had to give my word that I would tell every woman who I had any interest in about that night. I agreed and kept my promise.”
No wonder why he’s a pariah. It’s something no one talks about, but Josh is isolated most of the time. “Was this Carter’s girlfriend?”
“Yes.” He says the word looking directly into my eyes. “People say I stole her, that we dated for a while. We didn’t. That’s just a nicer story to hear. Carter never forgave me, and I can’t blame him.”
“And the gay jibes at Carter? He said you started that.”
“I didn’t start it, but I didn’t stop it either. I may have added to it and made sure it stuck.” He sighs deeply. “Kerry, I fucked up. I ruined someone. I broke her.” Remorse fills his features and he continues, “I like you a lot, but I don’t trust myself anymore and you shouldn’t trust me either.”
I nod, finally understanding the pain in his eyes. Grief never released him and there’s no penance that can make up for what he did. I don’t know if I’m disgusted, disappointed, or just drained, but I want to cry. Josh wasn’t supposed to be the bad guy. I hand him back his phone and stare into space, not knowing what to say.
“You don’t have to pretend with me, Kerry. I was a bad person. Now, I don’t know what I am, but I don’t deserve your compassion.”
“Did you go to jail?”
“I can’t talk about it beyond what I’ve said. It was part of the agreement.”
I blink at him. “You don’t trust yourself anymore, with anything, do you?”
“No.”
I want to punch him and hug him. I want to scream and weep. How could he do something so despicable? “I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say.” We stand there for a moment in an uncomfortable silence. Josh turns away and leaves without another word.
CHAPTER 7
The rest of the week crawls by at slug speed. College was supposed to be this glorious chance to start over, to be the woman I always wanted to become. The problems that flared up around me like little evil infernos prevent me from s
eeing that far ahead. I’ve been in survival mode the entire time I’ve been here, patching things up with tape instead of actually repairing anything the right way. That would have taken too much time, and that’s a luxury that I don’t possess. My life is covered in Band-Aids at the moment and there’s no reprieve in sight. At least I have Beth. She’s been a true friend when everyone else disappointed.
Beth strides next to me as we walk across campus. The sky is inky and littered with stars. It’s late Saturday night and we’re both wearing ankle length full skirts with floral prints. Beth gave me mine as a present and I’m surprised how much I like it. I figured I’d trip over the hem, but so far there’s no problem. Coupled with a t-shirt and flip-flops, I feel cool, confident, and pretty, which is a nice combination.
I’ve wanted to talk to Beth about my meeting with Ferro tomorrow and get her caught up on Carter. I have no idea how to talk to her about Josh, so I don’t. I have to finish a painting I’ve been working on all semester and we were given access to the building on weekends in order to complete the assignment. I pull out my ID card, swipe it through the card reader, yank open the glass door, letting Beth pass through.
She glances over her shoulder, speaking as she walks. “I can’t imagine what he wants to ask you to do. The guy thinks you’re a criminal.”
I step in behind her and make sure the door closes and latches shut behind me. I don’t like being in the dark halls by myself at night. The building creaks and makes freaky sounds. “Not anymore. If he didn’t look me up as soon as I left, I’d die of shock.”
As we make our way up the staircase and down the darkened halls, there is amber light spilling beneath Nate’s office door as we pass by. Is he still here? I glance at my Fitbit to check the time, still wearing it because I’m worried about Carter ratting me out. It’s after ten. Why is Nate still here? I haven’t seen him outside of class after the night we were together. Since then he’s acted distant, detached. It irks me if I think about it too long, so I don’t think about it at all.