by T. J. Klune
Gary and Tiggy, though?
I was going to murder them.
“—and then she said— You’re not going to believe this, kitten. You want to know what that bitch said to me?”
“What she say?” Tiggy asked.
“She said, Bitch, you ain’t gonna get my man. And then I said, Bitch, I ain’t even goin’ after your man, but if I was, I’m sure I could totally get him because, girl, you nasty. And then she said, I ain’t nasty, you’re nasty.”
“She a nasty girl,” Tiggy agreed.
“Right? But get this. While she was saying I was nasty, I noticed that her roots were showing, so I said, Girl, your hair looks like a tragedy up in here, and she said, Oh, I know, it’s so embarrassing. My stylist died from a combination of gangrene and getting caught in a stampede of manticores. So I said, Listen. Just. Listen. You go down to Ming Win and she’ll take care of you. She’ll do your hair and your nails, and you tell her that Gary sent you because then she’ll give me a five percent discount on my next visit because money doesn’t grow on trees, if you know what I mean. So she was all like, Really, that’s sounds awesome, thank you so much. And I said, Of course, that’s why I’m here, and if you ever call me nasty again, I will fucking cut you. And now we have tea once a month.”
“I like tea,” Tiggy said. “And pencils. And rocks and cats. And friendship stories.”
“Of course you do, dear heart,” Gary said. “You are precious, and I love you so. Now, on the forty-second time I got called a bitch, I deserved it, seeing as how I had been with her man. But did I know that he was married? Of course I did. But only because he needed unicorn jizz in order to free himself from the entrapment spell she’d put him under. And who was I to say no to that? He had hair on the back of his knuckles. You know how I feel about that.”
“You feel good about that,” Tiggy said.
“Exactly. So of course I called her a bitch back and—”
It’d been going on.
For two hours.
In very, very loud voices.
My everything was twitching.
“Bathe in your blood,” I hissed under my breath. “Just bathe, motherfuckers.”
I could outlast them.
I could.
I would.
Two minutes and sixteen seconds later, I threw open the door, ready to choke the life out of two of my closest friends.
Who immediately broke off when they saw me.
“Oh good,” Gary said. “It worked.”
“What worked?” I snapped at him, trying to resist the urge to reach out and squeeze.
“I knew there was only so much of my bitch stories you could take before you came out,” he said, tossing his mane prettily. “Those amateurs before me don’t know how to get under your skin as quickly as I do.”
“I came out here to murder you,” I admitted, because it was the right thing to do.
“Oh, tiny human,” Tiggy said, patting me on the head with a big hand. “You try. You just try.”
I knocked his hand away, but not before Gary was crowding me against the wall, his snout pressed against my face, eyes inches from my own.
“Sam,” he said, breathing rather heavily. He didn’t blink.
It was terrifying. “What?”
“How are you?”
“I’ve… been better?”
He nodded, which, given the fact that he was smashing his face against mine, caused me to nod too. “I understand,” he said. “Now repeat after me. I am Sam of Wilds.”
“I am Sam of Wilds.”
“Not some punk-ass bitch.”
“Not some punk-ass bitch.”
“Gary is awesome.”
“Gary is awesome—oh godsdammit.”
Gary preened as he took a step back. “Thank you. It’s about time I get the recognition I so obviously deserve. Tiggy, oh Tiggy, please take note of this date. The apprentice to the King’s Wizard has declared me awesome.”
Tiggy tapped the side of his head and winked at Gary. “Noted.”
“Good,” Gary said. “Now that that’s out of the way—” He turned and snarled at me, eyes blazing.
“Eep!” I said, because even though it was scary, it was still a scary unicorn, and I couldn’t help but fall in love just a little bit more.
“If you ever lock yourself in a room like a spoiled brat again, I will track down my horn, go on a quest to get said horn, defeat whatever creature has the horn, restore it to its rightful place atop my head, come back to the City of Lockes, march in a parade in my honor, and then come up to your room and gore you to death. Do you understand?”
“Your eyelashes are made of stars,” I whispered reverently.
“I know,” he hissed angrily. “It’s because I’m beautiful. Now are we clear?”
“I understand,” I said, because I did. Even without the overtly plotted threat of being gored, he was right. I couldn’t lock myself away. Not with the threat of a destiny hanging over me. I had to face it head-on.
Like a man.
“Oh goodie,” Gary said, dropping the rage façade like it was nothing. “Because you just have to see how Ryan is acting around Ruv. It’s positively adorable. But mostly embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for him. And for you.”
I sighed dreamily. Like a man. “He does posture whenever his masculinity is threatened.”
“Knight Delicious Face threatened all the time,” Tiggy said wisely.
“This is true,” Gary said. “Why, even before we left, Ryan was challenging Ruv to a shirtless pull-up contest in the gym.”
That… made my mouth a little dry. “And you didn’t stay to watch?”
“Now you see what I do for you,” Gary said. “I could have been watching sweaty muscled torsos, but instead I was up here saving your life.” His eyes glistened suddenly with tears. “Why would you do this to me?” he asked, lip trembling.
I knew then what was the right thing to do. “To the gym!” I cried.
I SHOULD have realized that we weren’t the only ones who would have found a Ryan versus Ruv shirtless pull-up contest to be the event of the season. The castle was eerily quiet as we made our way down the stairs toward the labs.
“Where the hell is everyone?” I asked, wondering what would have caused the guards to mostly abandon their posts and the maids to leave their cleaning supplies haphazardly strewn across the floor. Even the kitchen was empty, large mixing bowls left on countertops, the smell of something burning slightly coming from the oven.
“Oh, my young, naïve little boy,” Gary said. “I don’t know if it’s a good thing that you still have some innocence left. On one hand, it means you’re still starry-eyed. On the other, it means that I need to work that much harder in corrupting you.”
The closer we got to the gym, the louder it got, until it hit me where everyone was. And that… was both amazing and annoying. “Everyone is ogling my man?” I asked incredulously.
“To be fair,” Gary said, “Ryan is the owner of dat ass. And even if he is sometimes the star of the stage show Douchetacular Douchetacular, he at least looks like a masturbatory wet dream while doing so. I know I’ve masturbated to thoughts of him before. Why, just last week even, I had this extended fantasy involving Ryan, a jar of bubbles, and an original dance number choreographed by an elf midget. Can I say midget or is that racist? Little person? I don’t even know anymore. You say one thing and someone’s offended, you say something else and another person is offended. People should probably just calm the fuck down.”
I was too busy thinking about dat ass to defend my one true love against Gary’s weird barb, even if it was sort of true about Ryan being douchetacular. Granted, I was sure the same thing could be said about me, so I figured it was probably better that we were together so no one else had to be subjected to us.
We reached the entrance to the gym, a large stone room where the Knights of Verania worked out on a daily basis. I usually avoided this place, given that it stank of sweat and I had an a
version to doing anything that required me to stand in place for an hour and try to lift weights over my head. Ryan wanted to make working out together a thing we did, because it could bring us closer together, Sam, just stop complaining and do it. But after a disaster that somehow ended up with me strung up upside-down from the ceiling due to a combination of a jump rope, a twenty-five-pound free weight, and the laws of physics, he never made me go down there again. I found another way to bring us closer together by giving him a sloppy blow job whenever he got back from working out. He couldn’t find a reason to complain when I was choking on his dick, so. Win-win.
I was an expert at conflict resolution.
It didn’t mean, however, that I couldn’t appreciate the results of his strict regimen that found him here once, if not twice daily. Ryan Foxheart took the role of Knight Commander very seriously, even if the knights under him constantly gave him shit. He was good at what he did, and I was proud of him. And of his abs. And chest. And arms. And thighs.
Especially his thighs.
The crowd that had gathered spilled out of the entrance to the gym, people buzzing excitedly as they tried to peer over one another to get a glimpse of whatever was happening inside. I tried to push my way through, but the crowd was too thick, and no one seemed to give a damn that I wanted to ogle Ryan just like they were.
“This is some bullshit right here,” I said, giving every consideration to using my magic to knock everyone down. Morgan wouldn’t be very happy with me, but given that he was probably in the front, I could take whatever shit he threw at me. I heard a group of women talking about how they wanted to just hold Ryan down and ride him like a show pony, to which I almost blurted out Ryan preferred to be the one doing the riding. But regardless of what else could be said about me, sometimes I did have a filter.
“I don’t have time for this,” Gary said. “There are mens waiting for me to objectify them with my invasive and salacious gaze. Tiggy! Charging sack of potatoes!”
“Wait!” I said. “No charging sack of—”
“There are mens,” Tiggy rumbled before picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. He growled loudly as he pushed his way forward, people scattering out of his way so they didn’t get crushed. Gary pranced along in the wake, head high, tail swishing back and forth.
“Excuse us,” he said. “Priority package coming through to stare at the other priority packages.”
I glared at him as I hung over Tiggy’s shoulder, but he just winked at me like the asshole he was. “I will have my revenge,” I snarled at him.
“Squealed the sad, tiny little man,” he said. “Honestly, Sam. I thought you were actively trying to work on your threats. That was pathetic, and I am ashamed to say I know you.”
It only took seconds before we reached the front of the crowd, everyone pushing to dive out of the way from what appeared to be a rampaging half-giant. Tiggy looked rather proud of himself as he set me back down on the ground. He ruffled my hair and said, “You’re welcome,” and even though I could have easily found a way through without having to be carried, I still hugged him just a little so he knew he was appreciated.
And then Gary choked and said, “Hot motherfucking damn, that is some good shit right there.”
So I turned around.
And immediately realized I was wearing the wrong kind of pants to be on the boner carriage to Holy Fuck Me Town.
“Sweet molasses,” I managed to say.
Because even though I knew what we’d be walking into, it still didn’t prepare me for the sight in front of us.
Ryan Foxheart and the Wolf of Bari Lavuta at the chin-up bars, yes. And they were certainly shirtless, oh yes. There were miles of skin on display as the muscles in their backs tensed and flexed. I had no idea how long they’d been at it, but their arms were bulging as they pulled themselves up again and again.
Ryan was the bigger of the two, bulky muscle and sheer strength. Ruv was wiry, less built, but matching Ryan pull-up for pull-up.
The Castle Guard stood around them cheering, egging them on, counting out some ridiculous number (three twelve! three thirteen! three fourteen!). Ryan’s teeth were gritted together, and I knew that expression. That expression said he was tired and sore but he didn’t give a shit, because he was going to kick Ruv’s ass.
Ruv, for his part, kept his face blank, as if he were unaffected by anything around him. It was rather disconcerting to see how effortless it seemed for him, even if he was covered in a sheen of sweat.
“I’ve been to orgies that started just like this,” Gary whispered in my ear.
“What! When have you been to orgies? How many? Where was I?”
Gary rolled his eyes. “Like, two times. No wait, like. Fourteen times. And I told you I was going to church so you wouldn’t get suspicious.”
“Wait, so that entire year when you told me that you needed religion like air, you were actually getting jizzed on by multiple parties?”
“Pretty much. I blasphemed all over the place. But I will say that my soul felt clean afterward.”
“I still can’t believe people think unicorns are pristine and virginish creatures,” I muttered. “All the ones I know are whores.”
“I thought you only knew me,” Gary said, sounding confused.
“Exactly.”
“Boom,” Tiggy said.
“Damn right, holla at your boy,” I said as he fist-bumped me.
“That made me quiver all over,” Gary admitted. He pressed a wet, sucking kiss against my ear. “Proud of you.”
The King was there, standing next to Morgan and Randall, all of them whispering and obviously conspiring together. As if they could all feel my gaze, they turned to look at me, stared for a moment, then went back to whispering heatedly.
Justin stood off to the side, looking slightly disgusted as he watched Ryan and Ruv. Since I was convinced that all he needed was love to bring out his inner sunshine, I immediately started plotting ways that he and Ruv could be alone, fall in love, bone, and live happily ever after. Two birds with one stone. The planning was still in its earliest stages (seeing as how I’d just starting thinking of it six seconds before), and I didn’t want to get ahead of myself (they would get married and have babies and—), so I put it on the back burner to let it simmer. I would find Justin true love if it was the last thing I did.
Mom and Dad were there too, and Mom was fanning herself for reasons I didn’t understand while my father looked grumpy standing next to her. “I think Mom is getting a little too warm with all these people in here,” I said to Gary.
“Yes,” Gary said. “That’s exactly the reason.”
“Where’s Kevin? This seems like it’d be right up his alley. Shouldn’t he be here making everyone feel extremely uncomfortable?”
“Chasing sheep,” Gary said. “You know how it is.”
“He just likes to hear them scream in terror even though he’ll never eat them. He’s very strange.”
Gary sighed. “He says it helps him sleep better at night. You know. After getting unicorned.”
I grimaced, completely done with that conversation. I still wasn’t quite sure how things… fit… between them, but it was a topic of conversation I wasn’t prepared to have.
I didn’t see Vadoma, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t there. It just meant she was probably slinking around in the shadows trying to make my life even more miserable than she already had. It didn’t seem possible that I’d only known her for a few days and had actually only been face to face with her for an hour, and she’d been able to cause this much of a fuckup.
However, the display in front of me wasn’t too bad to look at.
And it really was only for Ryan. Ruv might be a cornerstone. And maybe my magic recognized him as one. But it didn’t matter to me. After everything we’d been through, nothing was going to take Ryan away from me.
And so I ogled.
I ogled hard.
“I am going to wreck him so bad,” I promised to ev
eryone within hearing distance.
A lot of people heard me, apparently, if the way they took a few steps away from me meant anything. I rolled my eyes at them. “I didn’t mean right now.”
“I have earplugs,” Tiggy said. “And toast.”
“You’d better,” Gary said. “If he’s walking straight tomorrow, then you have failed at homosexuality and I will mock you mercilessly. You are being called upon for a great task. This is why you were made. It is your destiny.”
I scowled at him. “That’s not funny.”
“Kind of funny,” Tiggy said. “A lot funny.”
“Fuck dragons,” Gary said. “You’ve got a destiny of dick ahead of you.”
And, really. As much as I wanted to punch him in the eye, I couldn’t argue with that. I turned back toward them and watched as Ryan pulled himself up again. His arms were shaking and I knew he had to be getting tired, but I also knew he would push himself until he collapsed if it meant beating Ruv. I didn’t know what thoughts were going through his head, what he felt he needed to prove. Like this stranger could ever mean anything to me the way he did. As if anyone could.
He must have felt a change in the room, a little twist of something. It was unnerving really, how quickly we could find each other in a crowd. Morgan said it was because of the bond between us, those little threads that held us together. I didn’t know that I was certain I understood how a cornerstone worked exactly, but Morgan assured me that we were as we should be, and even I couldn’t deny the way I’d felt more settled into my own skin. It’d only built over the last year until it was something tangible, something strong. Sure, we had our moments when I’m sure he wanted to strangle me and I wanted to hex him to the ends of the known world, but we always found our way back to each other. And I thought maybe we always would.
Even in the middle of a crowd.
Ryan glanced over in our direction, eyes finding me almost instantly.
I rolled my eyes at him, because I knew what he was trying to do.
He winked at me. And immediately redoubled his efforts to kick Ruv’s ass. It really shouldn’t have been as endearing as it was, the bastard. But now that he knew I was there, he wouldn’t lose. Either that or he’d keep going until he passed out. “Men,” I huffed.