by T. J. Klune
“Is that supposed to make things better?” Gary asked.
Ruv shrugged. “No. I don’t think it is. But regardless of what else she may be, regardless of what secrets she has kept, she is a mother too. That’s not something that will change. And I think, in the end, we all hold on to whatever we can, even if it’s just a memory.”
I watched the sunlight on the flowers for a long time.
WE WERE nearly back at Vadoma’s when I stopped Ruv with a hand on his shoulder. “Gary, can you give us a minute?”
Gary’s nostrils flared. “You gonna suck his balls?”
I sighed. “No, Gary. I’m not going to suck his balls.”
“Are you going to suck his—”
“Oh my gods, Gary, I’m not going to suck his anything.”
“Just making sure. You have one minute. If you’re not done in that minute, I will describe in excruciating detail that one time my hoof got stuck in Kevin’s asshole. You understand me?”
I gagged. “Why do you say such things?”
“Because I love you more than life itself. One minute. Ruv, try anything and I’ll eat your liver. Don’t think that I won’t.”
Gary whirled away in a cloud of glitter and violent rage.
“How does he do that?”
“Look so beautiful and scary all at the same time?”
“Yes.”
“He’s a unicorn. It’s a species trait.”
“You’ve met other unicorns?”
“Um. No? But his parents are swingers and he has a brother named Terry that he doesn’t really talk to, so I just imagine they’re all like that.”
“Terry and Gary.”
“Right? Isn’t it terrible?”
“And his parents are what?”
“Oh, they travel around and have group sex.”
Ruv’s eyes bulged.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t ask too many questions because it’s easier that way. Also, can we hurry this up, because Gary will tell me about his foot in Kevin’s asshole, and I’ve already had to listen to them scream my name while they were fucking, and I’m traumatized as it is.”
“Sure,” Ruv said, looking dazed and disgusted all at the same time. Like a champ.
“I know what Vadoma wants,” I said. “And I understand what you’ve been told. But, man. I gotta tell you. You seem nice. You’re hot. You’ve got that whole mysterious thing going for you. And you seem pretty bendy.”
“Thank you,” he said, sounding rather pleased.
“Sure. No problem. But, dude, I love Ryan Foxheart. Like, I can’t even begin to tell you how much. Well, okay. Maybe I can. I used to disguise myself and go to Ryan Foxheart Fan Club meetings with teenage girls. One time, we talked about his biceps for six hours. I’m not even joking.”
Ruv took a step back. “What.”
“Right? Oh, man. It gets so much worse. I’ve inserted things into my anus while thinking about him before we were together.”
“Like sex toys?”
“Not all the time,” I said.
“Wow,” Ruv said faintly.
“It’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my days,” I said. “And him, too, if I’m being honest. I know what Vadoma wants. What she thinks. And I don’t know how she knew you’d be… that. For me. Like he is. I know you’ve been waiting. And I know promises were made. But I don’t love you. I won’t love you. I love him, and I always will.”
He watched me closely. “What about when his skin starts to wrinkle? When his hair turns gray? When he ages beyond you while you stay as you are? Can you say you’ll love him then?”
“If it comes to it, yes,” I said. “But I aim to make sure that doesn’t happen. Either he’ll go with me or I’ll go with him, it doesn’t matter. I’m a godsdamned wizard. One of the most powerful there has ever been, if Morgan and Randall are to be believed. I’ll figure it out.”
“You truly believe that.”
“I do. Because once upon a time, he told me that he looked upon the stars and wished for nothing more than me. And that’s not something I can ever let go.”
He nodded and took a step back, putting a respectful distance between us. “I can respect your choice,” he said. “Even if there was never really a choice at all.”
I nodded. “Thank you. That’s a relief, man. And I’m sure there’s a great dude or chick out there for you, you know? Hey! Justin’s single! How do you feel about royalty?”
He smiled at me. “Why don’t we just work on surviving first?”
“It’s been longer than a minute!” I heard Gary shriek behind us. “So, there I was, not even thinking about how my hoof was about to go into a dragon’s asshole when suddenly—”
Fuck my life.
Chapter 15: That One Time Kevin Was Possessed
THE FEAST Vadoma threw in our honor was held in a massive square in the middle of Mashallaha, strings of large paper lanterns stretching out above us. The night air was warm, and the palm trees swayed. People were laughing and shouting, well into their cups by the time I arrived.
I hadn’t seen Ryan when I’d gotten back to Vadoma’s. He wasn’t in the room that we’d been given for the duration of our stay, though our bags were placed at the foot of the bed. Tiggy had said he’d gone off with Kevin to check out the rest of the city. I knew he’d made it seem like he was sightseeing, but as was ingrained in him as a knight, he was most likely running the perimeter, fanning out in circles around Vadoma’s, memorizing every path in and out in case we needed to escape. Strangely enough, that happened to us quite a lot, so I didn’t blame him for doing it.
But I also knew he was avoiding me. Or rather, letting me avoid him. We were assholes like that.
There had been clothes left for me on the foot of the bed. They were soft and brightly colored, the material thinner than what I was used to. The dark green vest had a hood attached, which Gary made me pull up and over my head. “It’ll make you look more mysterious like a wizard should be,” he’d said. “And not like you’re some seventeen-year-old apprentice twink.”
“I’m not a godsdamned twink—”
“Isn’t it funny how the louder you get, the less I listen to you? I wonder why that is.”
The trousers sat low on my hips, held up by a black sash tied around my waist.
“It’s a good thing you manscape,” Gary said approvingly. “Don’t need no man bush trying to crawl out the waistband and scaring the locals.”
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. “I look like I work at a brothel in Meridian City.”
“Yes, how about that. Tiggy! Hold him still just like we planned!”
“Wait, what? Tiggy, don’t you fucking—”
Tiggy came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, then fell back until he sat on the bed. The frame groaned at the weight but didn’t collapse. My arms were trapped at my sides, and my legs were held between his. And it was about that time that I noticed Gary carried a makeup brush between his teeth, a determined look on his face.
“I will curse the both of you,” I snarled at him. “I’m not a girl. I don’t need makeup.”
“Boys can wear makeup,” Tiggy said. “Not just for women. That a social construct.”
I tilted my head back to gape at him.
He shrugged and leaned down to kiss my forehead.
“You are the wisest half-giant I have ever known,” I said reverently.
He was pleased at this, even if he was the only half-giant I had ever known. He was still pretty fucking wise.
“Fine,” I said, looking back at Gary. “But I expect to look like a high-class working girl, not one of those that looks like they work the docks at the Port. You hear me?”
Gary rolled his eyes before descending upon me.
“Okay,” I said when they’d let me up again so I could look in the mirror. “I would totally pay to have sex with me, oh my gods. Why don’t I wear this all the time? I look epic!”
And I did. He’d used the eye shadow sparin
gly, just enough to create a smoky look around my eyes, almost like I was wearing a mask. Coupled with the hood over my head, the vest opened against my chest, I looked like I could fight crime and get nailed by businessmen, all in the same day. It was glorious.
“Ryan’s gonna get such a boner over me,” I breathed. And maybe then we could stop fighting and fuck around.
“Ugh,” Gary said. “There are just some things you don’t want to hear from your older sister.”
“I am not your fucking older sister, you asswipe. You have decades on me. And not to mention that I have to hear about your shit all the godsdamned time!”
“Well, yes,” he said, arching his evil eyebrow at me. “But I’m the unicorn equivalent of a princess. There’s a difference.”
And I really couldn’t argue with that.
And so there I was, looking like an expensive whore, standing in the center square of the desert city, the stars shining down on me, a unicorn with painted-on eyebrows to my right and a half-giant on my left.
Needless to say, we entered that feast like fucking badasses.
Well. Mostly. People did stop and stare at us, so I figured we must have been at least a little mysterious. It probably helped that the gods decided to bless me right at that moment and send a breeze to wash over me, causing my vest and trousers to billow slightly.
“Why are you walking like you’re in slow motion?” Gary hissed at me.
“Because it fucking looks cool,” I hissed back.
“You look like you’re having a stroke!”
“No, I don’t! I look like I run through the city at night, taking out bad guys while having sex with high-powered executives during the day for tons of money.”
“That’s… huh. Okay. I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“Right. Just go with it.”
“Okay, I can work with this.”
And then he tossed his mane back, eyelashes fluttering, the air beginning to shimmer around him in green and blue sparkles. He snorted heavily, more sparks shooting from his nose.
“Oooh,” the crowd said.
“You need to strut more,” Gary whispered to me.
“I know how to strut!”
“That not strutting,” Tiggy said. “This strutting.” And then he proceeded to strut far better than a being his size ever had any right to. His hips rolled, and he looked like he was made up of large piles of bitchy sass.
“Ahhh,” the crowd said.
“I taught him how to do that,” Gary said fondly.
“I want the crowd to make noises at me,” I said. “Move, it’s my turn.” I shoved my way past Gary, ready to be appreciated and—
“I don’t know that you could be any more ridiculous than you are right now,” a voice said near my ear, which, of course, caused me to squeak, trip over my own feet, and fall face-first onto the ground.
There was silence. Then someone in the crowd shouted, “Thank the gods he’s the chosen one! I know I sure feel safe now!”
I rolled over onto my back and glared up at Ryan Foxheart, who stood above me, hands on his hips, head cocked as he peered down at me. “Okay, I take that back,” he said. “You could look more ridiculous. I’m impressed.”
I scowled at him but accepted his hand when he reached down for me. I momentarily forgot that we were fighting when I saw he was similarly dressed as I was, but his vest was stretched much tighter across his frame, and he had chest hair that I wanted to just bury my face in.
“I want to paddleboat your boobs,” I told him, staring at his pecs.
He sighed. “So you’ve told me before. And so you’ve done before, even though I threatened to never let you touch me again.”
“It was totally worth it,” I said. “You’ve get a nice rack. Good job with that whole… thing.”
“You objectifying me, Sam of Wilds?”
I leered at him as the music began to pick up around us again. “Is it working?”
He grimaced. “It was until you made that face. How many times have I told you can’t make that face around other people? They’ll think you’re coming to take their children away.”
“Sam’s sexy face is scary,” Tiggy said to Gary. “Run! It scary Sam!”
“He tries so hard,” Gary said. “Too hard, really.”
“I’m not objectifying you,” I said, even though I totally was. “I respect your autonomy and your right to not have me paddleboat your boobs.”
He snorted. “Bullshit you do.”
Now that we’d gotten that out of the way, I glared at him. “I’m still mad at you.”
“I can tell. I’m still upset with you, if it makes you feel any better.”
It really didn’t. I deflated slightly. “We need to talk.”
“We do.”
And he agreed to that way too easily. “But not like the breakup we need to talk,” I said quickly. “But the we’ve got to talk that means open communication and words and then some really awesome makeup sex. Right?”
He rolled his eyes, but his hand found his way to the back of my neck, squeezing as he pulled me close. My bare chest pressed against his as he leaned in and laid a filthy kiss upon my lips, more tongue than was probably warranted. Not that I was complaining.
“Yes, Sam,” he said, murmuring against me. “That kind of talk.” He kissed me again, slow and sweet.
I sagged against him slightly in relief. “Good. I’m sorry I acted like a douchebag. I love your face. I’ve also got a boner right now that I really don’t know what to do with, seeing as how we’re in public.”
He chuckled. “And I’m sorry I acted like an ass. I love you too. Also, I can feel your boner.”
“I love love,” Tiggy sighed behind us.
“Gods, they’re just sickening,” Gary muttered. “I hate it when people act like that.”
“Seriously,” Kevin rumbled. “I’m so glad we’re broken up now so I don’t have to be a part of a loving couple anymore. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Me too,” Gary said. “It’s so much better like this.”
“Right,” Kevin said. “Even if it’s our boy in love that we have to watch.”
“Even if,” Gary said wistfully.
“Maybe they should just rub each other a little bit,” Kevin suggested. “You know? I mean, they’re already there, they might as well, right? Just do it, right? Just start rubbing—”
“And the erection’s gone,” I said, stepping away from Ryan. “That’s much better.”
Ryan did this complicated motion with his eyebrows. “I don’t know if that’s better.”
Gods, he looked awesome when he pouted.
And I was about to tell him as much when a cheer went up over the crowd, rolling through it like a wave. We were stuck somewhere in the middle of it, and I couldn’t help but notice the people of Mashallaha had formed a circle around us, but keeping their distance. I didn’t know if it was fear of us or dismay at the sight of us that kept them as they were. I didn’t know that it mattered. These were the people of Verania, my people for all intents and purposes, yet I’d never felt so far from home before in my life. It was good that I had Ryan next to me. Tiggy and Gary and Kevin at my back. I thought maybe I could do this without them. I just didn’t want to.
But the people weren’t focused on us. They were cheering for Vadoma.
She stood on a raised wooden platform, the eyes of her people all on her. She looked beautiful under the lights, younger than she actually was. I wondered just how old she was and who my mother’s father had been, as my mother had never known. Or so she said. But regardless of what I thought of Vadoma, I could see my mother in her. I could see myself in her. It unsettled me more than I cared to admit.
Ruv, the Wolf, stood at her side.
“Oh,” I said to Ryan in a low voice. “That reminds me. Ruv won’t be trying to get up in my business anymore. He knows you’re my one and only.”
“Or so he says,” Ryan muttered. “For all we know, it
’s part of his diabolical plot to get in your good graces and then bam! His legs are over your shoulders and you won’t even know how you got there.”
“Nah,” I said. “It’s only your legs over my shoulders that I care about.”
Gary sniffed. “That was really sweet.”
Ryan thought so too, but since he was a man, he had to cover it up by scowling at me. Which was okay, because I knew.
The noise of the crowd around us crescendoed until it was nearly earsplitting. But the moment Vadoma raised her hands toward them, palms down, they quieted as if they hadn’t been screaming at all.
Except for Tiggy.
“GWAAAAaaahh…,” he said before looking around at everyone staring at him. “Oh. No more yelling?” He nodded. “No more yelling.”
“People of Mashallaha,” Vadoma said, voice ringing out over the crowd. “Honored guests. Tonight, I bring to you tidings of great joy.”
Her people cheered again.
“More yelling!” Tiggy yelled.
“Why is she speaking in Veranian?” Ryan muttered in my ear. “Most everyone here is a gypsy.”
He had a point. “Maybe it’s for our benefit?”
“Does she seem like the type to do anything for our benefit?” Ryan asked, which, fair point. But he hadn’t seen the flowers that still stood where my mother had been raised. Maybe that was all bullshit designed to sell me on the idea of the gypsy clan, but I thought not.
So I said, “I don’t know,” and it was the truth.
“Many of you have heard that I traveled far from Mashallaha,” she said. “Out of the Luri Desert and into the green lands. The Dark Woods stand as they always have, swallowing the heart of Verania in gnarled roots that dig deep into the earth.”
“Couldn’t she have just said there was a big fat forest in the middle of everything?” Gary muttered.
“This fancier,” Tiggy said, looking enthralled, as if he’d never stood inside the damn Dark Woods a day in his life.
“I entered the City of Lockes,” she said, “and stood before our King. I told him of the power of sight, of what was shown to me as having been written in the stars. I warned the King to take heed of my words. That there are only shadows when darkness begins to cover the light.”