His hang-ups over sex were far more damaging to a relationship than hers.
So what if she’d had a panic attack in the middle of their last night together? He’d deliberately came up on her from behind. He’d wrapped an arm over her waist and yanked her off her feet.
The one thing she would never like.
Caine slipped from the bed, one hand going between them.
The practicalities of sex were about to rear their ugly head.
She almost closed her eyes to avoid the embarrassing part of what she feared was about to happen.
She didn’t.
Caine cursed instead.
Nikkie Jean’s eyes popped open, and she looked at him as fear flooded her in an instant.
15
THE CONDOM HAD BROKEN. Caine had had that happen twice in his years of sexual activity. The last time had resulted in Dalton, shortly before he’d learned April had been cheating on him for years. That had been the last time he’d had sex. Until tonight. The risks of that happening again were next to nil.
“It broke.”
Nikkie Jean yelped. Then visibly forced herself to relax. Right in front of him. Her cheeks were flame red. “Pregnancy is not a concern. Oophorectomy and adjuvant chemo at sixteen. I can’t get pregnant. Well, the odds of it are so slim I’m more likely to grow a beard and voice changes!”
She told him that. Repeatedly.
The nervous talking was back. As were the leery looks and the closed body language. Caine wanted to curse again but didn’t.
He’d scared her. That was the last thing he wanted to do. She didn’t need to worry about his leftover baggage from April. His ex-wife had taunted him for months. Even after they’d separated. Every time they’d communicated in the six months between separation and her death, she’d shoved the fact that the baby she carried hadn’t been his.
This was far from the same situation, but in that first moment, he’d been back in their condo, with April taunting him that the baby he was so excited about hadn’t been his.
“It’s not like we really have to worry. I’m not even certain I’ve ovulated this year. Or last year. Things aren’t exactly a matter of routine with me. A quarterly period and I consider that regular. You’re safe, big guy. I promise. No spawn from me.”
“We both know the odds, but we both also know things happen.” He tried to keep his words calm, but even he heard the frost in his own words.
He just hoped he’d suppressed the fear. It wasn’t the idea of a child that terrified him—though that was enough—it was how holding her, touching her, had just made him feel. Like he was where he was supposed to be—finally.
He’d been wrapped up in April at first, too.
Caine knew himself; sex would never be casual for him. He’d had emotional investment in this woman. From almost the beginning.
It was unlike anything he’d ever experienced with his wife. Even in the early weeks of their relationship. What that meant wasn’t something he could process right now. If ever. But they had a more immediate concern that he could process. “I don’t want another child. I have three. That’s enough.”
She froze for a moment, then slipped away from him. Caine’s fist clenched. It was all that kept him from touching her again as what he’d said sank in. He hadn’t meant to put it that bluntly. But she’d said she wanted honesty. And he didn’t think he could ever lie to her.
Nikkie Jean huddled in the middle of her bed, just staring at him.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lured you up to my lair to reproduce with you and then eat you. It was just so easy to carry you. My bad. You know, black widow spider and all that.” Nikkie Jean shot him a snark-filled look.
If there were consequences, they’d deal with them—like the adults they both were. They’d known the terms going in. And now she was shutting down and her defenses were falling into place.
She was locking herself down tighter than a fortress. Because he’d frightened her.
Caine forced himself to breathe, and think like the rational medical professional that he was. “Are emergency contraceptives a possibility?”
She shook her head. “Nope. Sorry. I’ve taken them before for off-label issues associated with hormonal problems. Anaphylactic reaction to some of the components. Not something I’m interested in repeating. The condom broke—that doesn’t mean I have your baby-making cooties inside me, you know. Neither of us are idiots. We should both know the odds here.”
He nodded. If she was his patient, he wouldn’t recommend it on those kinds of odds, either.
“I have to go.”
He had to, or he was going to find himself right back in that bed with her. Even if it was just to hold her.
He’d missed sleeping with someone in his arms for a long while.
He’d give his right arm to be able to hold her like that.
All night. Just once.
And after the conversation they had just had, he doubted that was what she would want at all.
He felt like a damned bastard. Or jerk. He’d had sex with her and now he was running home. Like a damned coward, afraid of a ninety-pound woman.
He half felt he’d used her; just like April had liked to use him whenever she had an itch to scratch and one of her lovers hadn’t been available. Once he’d figured out she’d done that—by her own words—sex had been soured for him. He hadn’t touched her again.
It left him feeling sick.
“I understand. And hey, it was just the one time, Alvaro. We both knew what we were getting into. Terms delivered in my kitchen. Terms we both agreed to. Curiosity satisfied.” Her words were light, but he’d read that kind of body language before. She was closing herself off to rejection. From him. Because she did not trust him not to hurt her. Damn it. He was the last thing this woman had needed tonight, of all nights.
“Nikkie Jean, I…it’s not like that.” Like he’d taken what he’d wanted from her and now he was done with her. Rejecting her.
Leaving her alone.
He damned himself as her earlier words hit him.
Nikkie Jean hated being alone.
Hell, so did he. He stepped closer to the bed as he pulled his T-shirt over his shoulders.
The least he could do was hold her for a while longer; for both of them.
She held up a hand, stopping him. “It’s exactly like that. We both agreed this was a one-time thing. And while the sex was great, best I’ve had in four years after all, it’s not something I am interested in repeating. Ever.” She grabbed a blanket off the bed and wrapped it around herself. It was just another barrier against him; Caine had no doubt of that. Nor did he blame her for it. He’d really screwed this up. For both of them. “I thought I could do the whole one-night thing, but I am starting to think I can’t. So…thanks for the learning experience. I have a no-doctors policy for a very good reason. I think I’m going to stick to that rule from now on. It’s lasted four years; I think it’s going to last another forty-four. Thanks for being the exception that proved that rule is a good idea. So…the door is that way; please lock it before you leave. There could be homicidal maniacs out there in Value right now, after all.”
Caine stared at her for a moment, knowing he’d never forget how she looked right in that moment. Knowing he’d never forget how much he had hurt her when that had been the last thing he had ever intended.
Small, naked, with a purple comforter pulled up to her chin, hair partially unbraided and tangled from his fingers, just watching him like she expected a blow. Like a glittery fairy he’d just dewinged—without anesthetic.
And a dejected look in the eyes behind her glasses as she looked at him.
Because of him. He’d kicked her while she was down.
He felt like a total ass. He wasn’t exactly liking the man he’d become since April’s death.
Nikkie Jean had brought revelations he wasn’t sure he was ready to face.
The urge to hold her one more time slammed into him. To scoop h
er up again and tell her that he was just a big coward. That he hadn’t meant to be a jerk. That he didn’t want to leave her yet.
It wasn’t the broken condom that terrified him at all. Caine wasn’t stupid; a less than twelve percent chance of anything wasn’t much. If something did happen, he would deal with it. As would she.
What terrified him was the woman in front of him.
She pulled him. Otherwise he never would have been there right now.
He hadn’t felt this way about a woman in nine years. And even that with April had just sort of built. It hadn’t been this blast of heat and chaos and…emotion. “I’m not good at relationships with women, Nikkie Jean. I never have been. It’s one reason why my wife left me. Before that, she went elsewhere. On a regular basis. Because I wasn’t enough. I didn’t know how to give her what she needed. And once that initial trust was gone, it never came back.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. You should be able to trust the one you marry.” She’d pulled into herself. Started shutting him out and wasn’t about to let him back in. Every door was locked. “The door? You’ll lock it on your way out?”
He was going, but not before he made one thing clear. He stepped closer to the bed and looked down at her. He reached out a hand to brush the lock of hair from her eyes. He wanted to see her eyes one more time.
She flinched away. A momentary rush of real fear went through her eyes.
That had him backing away, immediately.
Caine never wanted someone smaller or weaker than he was to ever look at him like that. He knew far too well what it was like. He’d grown up with a man who liked his fists a little too much, after all. “If you are pregnant, you tell me. We’ll figure out what to do together. You tell me. Immediately. You will not have to face that alone. Understand?”
He didn’t want to leave her alone again. Yet that’s exactly what he had to do.
“Sure. Loud and clear. You and I have a less than twelve percent chance of ever having a conversation again. I’m good with that, big guy. Like I said, please lock the door.”
Snotty snark and frightened eyes. That was Nikkie Jean.
Hell, he wanted to kiss her and make her understand that he wasn’t the asshole she no doubt thought him now.
Caine couldn’t make himself reach out to her. He’d just open his mouth and screw things up even worse.
He did the only thing he could.
Caine left, cursing himself the entire way.
16
JERK. SHE’D SEEN THE fear in his eyes. On some level, Nikkie Jean even understood it. She didn’t want a baby by a man she wasn’t fully involved with either. But Caine had gone from the best lover in her albeit limited experience in one moment to cold asshole in the other.
It was not her fault the condom had broken. It had just happened.
She wouldn’t deny that. And he’d been an emotional connection when she’d needed one. That didn’t make sleeping with him a smart decision, though.
She should have known better than to take her clothes off with Caine Alvaro. Period. What good was a no-doctors rule if she wasn’t going to follow it the instant a halfway hot doctor looked at her?
Sex for her was a complicated thing. It always would be. That wasn’t her fault. It had taken her a while to accept that.
Sex would never be something she just did casually. Ever.
What had happened with Caine Alvaro hadn’t been casual for her. It had been more than that. As she’d lain there and thought about how he had made her feel, she’d realized that.
She’d trusted him. On a deeper level than should have been possible.
What a mistake that had been.
That was part of the problem. Nikkie Jean didn’t understand why it had happened that way with him.
What had happened with Caine Alvaro wasn’t just his fault, either. She knew that. That was hers; she’d chosen to have sex with that man.
Now here were the consequences.
Time to accept, and time to move on. She’d made a choice, no one else.
She’d accept that as the healthy response that it was.
Full autonomy of her body was kind of a super-huge thing for her, after all.
That didn’t mean she’d processed all the emotions rolling through her head at the moment, though. That was going to take a while.
She slammed her locker door just a little too hard. A curse slipped out before she could stop it. Lacy and Allen both looked at her.
Lacy left to answer a page after shooting Nikkie Jean a worried look. She just shook her head at the other woman.
That wouldn’t work with Allen, though.
“You ok?” He blocked her exit from the locker room with his much larger, stronger, very male body. A sliver of unease went through her, but she pushed it away.
PTSD was not going to rear its head now. Usually she was all good; but Caine Alvaro had her far too unsettled for that now.
Life was sometimes all that was needed to trigger her trauma responses.
They were ingrained deep in her psyche and probably always would be. Trauma changed a person, after all.
Nikkie Jean had counseled others on that very fact many times before. Just because she knew all the ways trauma could impact her life didn’t mean she was immune to it.
All it meant was that she was better able to recognize when it was resurfacing.
“As ok as I can be. Rough night yesterday.”
“Rough day, too.”
Allen was watching her. Nikkie Jean looked up at him. Once, it would have freaked her out to be alone with a man in the locker room, especially a physician like Allen. But that was changing. Because of Allen and Virat and Cage, mostly. They gave her the necessary space. Like they knew she needed it. And she was forcing it to change. She couldn’t live like that anymore. Afraid of every man who got too close…that’s what her therapist at W4HAV had to say about her, even if the charity hadn’t opened fully yet. When it did have the grand opening, Nikkie Jean had no doubt she’d be one of their most frequent visitors.
Anyone who believed healing from trauma wasn’t an ongoing thing probably needed their brains examined.
You couldn’t just get over it. Trauma changed brain patterns, after all.
Allen stepped closer, a concerned look in his beautiful gray eyes. If she was ever going to be attracted to a doctor, why couldn’t it have been Allen? Yes, he’d been a bit of an arrogant ass a few months ago, but he’d changed since then.
All “he’s my boss” aside, he was a kind man, even beneath the former arrogance that he used to wear like a cloak. Now he was different. The compassion was still there, but the confidence wasn’t. Allen felt more real now. Safer, honestly.
He was as broken as Nikkie Jean used to be. Still thought she was at times. Therapy had brought her back from the edge so many times when she’d been in her early twenties and had finally had the strength to seek out the help she needed. But that didn’t mean it was always going to be peachy in her life. She just had to get through this little pitfall now. Then she’d be ok. “Just a bad night with a…well, I guess I can’t call him a friend. Just a really stupid mistake.”
“I’m sorry.” Gray eyes stared down at her. Nikkie Jean squirmed. They both knew she’d been hurt more than she was admitting. But one thing she respected about this man was that he wouldn’t push.
“Well, I knew I shouldn’t have been so stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn’t. Aren’t we all allowed two massively stupid things each decade? Well, last night was my first one of my thirties.” She looked at him as she spoke, knowing she wasn’t making that much sense.
Yep, there was the standard look of confusion, right there.
“Is that how many we’re allowed?”
“Yep. One every five years.”
“Then I’ve had mine. I’m not allowed another until I’m forty. Seriously? You ok? You’ve been quieter than I want a Nikkie Jean to be today. You should be buzzing around, making eve
ryone smile. That’s the best part of my day now, you know? Seeing you smile.”
She looked up at him, and tears hit her eyes, shocking her. He reminded her of her big brother right then; Dathan had been tall and strong and had half cared about her before once, too.
Just how alone she felt sank in like lead. Oh, why couldn’t she have broken her no-doctors rule with Allen instead of Caine? At least, she would have been left feeling like she had mattered just a little. Or like she was at least worth staying with for a little while. He’d gotten what he wanted and taken off as soon as it got a little too real there at the end. “I…damn it, Allen, I thought he…”
Gray eyes stared into hers. Nikkie Jean fought not to pull away, to close herself off from the world for a while. She couldn’t do that anymore.
She also couldn’t freak out every time a man with the first name “Doctor” put his hands on her.
“Nikkie Jean, did this man hurt you? Do something you didn’t want him to do? Did he give you something? Because if he did—”
She shook her head. “No. What happened was my choice, too. I’m one hundred percent certain of that. It just didn’t turn out the way I expected. And now I know. Never again. I’m just not made for casual, Allen. Or other doctors. I knew that…I just made a mistake. One I don’t ever intend to repeat.”
Honesty with herself was a biggie—Nikkie Jean made certain to live by that.
“Whoever he is, he doesn’t deserve you. Women like you, Nikkie Jean Netorre, you’re the kind a smart man grabs ahold of and doesn’t ever let go. We’re the lucky ones. If this guy can’t see that, then you forget all about him. And find one who will.” His hands squeezed her shoulders, but he didn’t try to hug her or do anything more than that. “You don’t deserve to be hurt. By anyone. And if anyone tries, I’ll get Cage and Vir and we’ll go kick his ass for you. Worse, we’ll sic Rafe on him.”
A vision of Rafe pounding Caine into the ground filled her head. It was exactly what he’d needed to say. “That would be a match I’d pay to watch.”
He’d just reminded her that she was only a little alone. There were people in Finley Creek who were beginning to care about her.
Lost in the Wind Page 6