“But how would I go where you went? Only you can do that.”
I licked my lips, praying I was doing the right thing. “I think I can take you with me. It will be dangerous, and I don’t know if it will work, but we could try. You need to understand, though, what you’re possibly sentencing her to. She might come back and be okay, like Lincoln. Or…she could be like me. She might not survive that, Rainer.”
Rainer stood and walked to the end of the bed, looking over her twin. “That’s a decision she’s entitled to make herself. But I know Nyla, and I know that if she can fight, she will.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“Okay? What does that mean? When can we try?”
I bit my lip, knowing that soon I would head to New Orleans and I had no idea what waited for me there. “Lock the door.” I tried for a smile. “There’s no time like the present.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “You can do it from here?”
“Like I said, I’m stronger than before, and doing it close to Nyla will only help.” I held out my hand. “Hold on to it and don’t let go. No matter what. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to find you again if we lose the connection. And you’ll only get one shot at this. Do you understand?”
Rainer nodded. “I know the chance you’re taking, Violet. I won’t waste it.”
“You’ll still have to find a way to connect with her. It has to be pure and only about her. Give her something that will call to her above anything else.”
She thought about this, watching me. “What did you give?”
I pressed my lips together, my teeth biting down hard to distract me. Finally I answered. “I gave my heart.”
“I simply believe that some part of the human self or soul is not subject to the laws of space and time.”
Carl Jung
I was nervous. And not just because I’d never tried to take someone across the realms with me before—other than Lilith, who’d been dead and, well, just different in all the important ways.
Was I being foolish? Yes.
Was I taking a risk with Rainer’s life? Yes.
And therefore with Wilhelm’s partner as well? Yes.
Would I be blamed if things went wrong? Yes.
Would I feel responsible? No doubt.
Did I even want this to work? I didn’t know.
Why was I doing this? Because.
Nyla was a warrior. She was loved completely by Rudyard. I envied what they’d had.
So often I thought back to the night Griffin and I had gone hunting with them. We’d come across a small farmhouse with exiles, and Nyla had gone into attack mode. It had surprised me at first that Rudyard had stood aside and let Nyla take the lead, placing herself in the most danger. I realize now that I was too naïve to see that his actions showed a great love and understanding. That was his greatest sacrifice, for her. For them.
I remembered his words: “It will do her no favors if I throw myself in the line of fire just to be noble. Our relationship has gone beyond that.”
And so perhaps there was a chance that Nyla, broken as she was, would still choose to fight. And if I could give her that chance, I would—because I knew better than anyone the suffering that resulted from others making life-and-death choices on your behalf.
“Are you sure?” Rainer asked, obviously seeing myriad thoughts flit over my face.
I nodded. Something told me the days ahead would change everything. This exile, Sammael, frightened me. That he had Spence frightened me even more. Instinct screamed that I might be walking toward my final battle.
“There may not be another chance, Rainer. We should do this now. Close your eyes and breathe steadily; it can be unsettling.”
Rainer studied me for a moment before nodding and doing as I’d instructed. She’d read between the lines.
I took Rainer’s hand and closed my eyes. Although I had avoided doing it, I knew how to cross the realms. It was similar to using my Sight; I just hovered in a different place—somewhere between life and possibility, between flesh and imagination.
Becoming increasingly aware of my surroundings—not the room and people but the air, the atmosphere, the gravity—slowly, I let it all fall away, all the things that anchored my body to this world. It was a strange sensation—being aware of my corporeal form and of my hand holding Rainer’s, knowing that I could take us somewhere new. Like Nox had once explained, it was like two worlds brushing together as curtains in the wind. When I was ready, I simply faced the new direction and saw through the new window.
Finally, I opened my eyes and saw that we were in the abyss that I had once visited with Phoenix.
I looked around and wasn’t surprised to see him standing to the side, leaning against what looked like a granite wall sparkling with thousands of diamonds. Dressed all in black, he looked to be almost melting into the wall. Apart from the last few days, it had been a long time since I had laid eyes on him. It would be a lie to say memory did him justice. And it wasn’t just his beauty; it was also the rawness of the torment he carried about him—the kind that only eons of time could etch out so masterfully.
Rainer opened her eyes too.
“Oh my God,” she whispered. “Is this Heaven?”
I smiled, remembering asking a similar question once. “Does it look like Heaven would to you?” I replied, asking what had been asked of me.
She shook her head. “Not at all. Is it like purgatory? The in-between?” she asked, unaware that Phoenix was standing behind her.
I shrugged. “Perhaps something like that. But I think it’s more a thought, like a physical space to represent a kind of nothingness. I’m still trying to figure it out.” This place was not like the one I’d stood in last, where I’d had some kind of control. This was different, not somewhere the angels or I could influence—this was ancient and eternal.
“Is this the angel realm?” Rainer went on, needing some kind of confirmation.
I realized that this was why the angels had let me believe it in the beginning, and I now understood the value. “In a way.”
She nodded, accepting this, and I noticed Phoenix smile softly.
“I suppose it was only a matter of time,” he said from behind Rainer, startling her.
When she spun around, I kept a tight clasp on her hand.
“Oh. Phoenix,” she whispered and I could see her conflicting emotions. Phoenix had been blamed for Rudyard’s death, and for Nyla’s state. It hadn’t been his intention, but we all knew, even so, that it was his fault.
And mine.
He looked into Rainer’s eyes, his remorse heavy, his guilt honest. “I came to make sure the way is clear. I wish I could do this for you, but it is not permitted. Not even for her,” he said, glancing at me. “I would give my life, my eternity, to right this wrong. But even for those of us who would give everything, it is not enough.”
“Phoenix,” I rasped, my cold heart thawing a little for him. I could see his anguish so clearly.
“If you could have her,” Rainer said suddenly, turning to me.
Phoenix stiffened.
“If Violet could be yours in every way, if your heart could be full and your future complete, would you give that? Would you give her up to take away your sins?”
“Rainer,” I pleaded. “Don’t do this.”
“I deserve to know. And so does Nyla.” She did, but that didn’t make it okay. The wounds between Phoenix and me were still raw. They probably always would be.
Phoenix abruptly dropped to his knees, his head bowed. “I am angel malign. My essence is selfish. I see the value and benefit of darkness in its most alluring state. And I am human in heart, able to love and feel in all its punishing ways. I am man enough to sacrifice my existence for my sins. But my nature is also dark enough to know that should my greatest temptation lie at my feet for the taking, I woul
d never be able to deny myself. So perhaps we are all lucky that she is not capable of that kind of love. For me.”
I dropped down in front of him, keeping ahold of Rainer’s hand. I ran my free hand through his beautiful hair in the first physical contact I’d had with him since he’d killed me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you.” A tear fell from my eye. “If I could go back and change it, I would,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “I’ve caused so much pain and suffering, and it’s ruined us all. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you.”
He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me to him, and buried his face against my shoulder like a child holding on for dear life. I didn’t move away; I just continued to run my hand through his hair.
He was such a tormented creature. What would become of him here?
I looked up at Rainer, who was watching on silently. “You cannot ask that he fight every part of his nature for his remorse to be true. Please. If he can’t have your forgiveness, then neither can I. His mistakes are mine to bear just as much as they are his.”
Phoenix held me tighter, and I felt this angel, this man, come apart. He was vulnerable, afraid, and, more than anything, he was utterly lonely.
Rainer nodded. “I can’t say that I perfectly agree, but I trust in your heart, Violet. I have seen your goodness.” She looked at Phoenix. “I believe you are sorry and I’m grateful for your honesty. I imagine if Nyla were asked what she wouldn’t do for Rudyard, she would simply answer: nothing.”
I lifted Phoenix’s face up and looked into his chocolate eyes, which were churning with emotion.
“This isn’t the place for you, is it?” I asked, finally allowing my eyes to open and see what was becoming of him.
He shook his head, looking down again.
I tilted his chin up. “You’re here for me?”
He nodded.
“But I can’t be what you want, Phoenix. You’ve known that all along.”
He nodded again.
Another tear fell down my cheek. “Well, what the hell are we going to do with you?” I asked the universe in some kind of despairing plea.
He looked up. “You could come here. You could. They would allow it. You could leave everything else behind. The cold. I know you feel it all the time.”
I studied his face as he watched me intently. There was even a part of me that was tempted by the idea of leaving it all behind and finding some semblance of peace. But what peace would there be without him? Like it or not, Lincoln and I were tied together; whether I was a human or an angel, I couldn’t escape it. Nor could I leave him in a world without me when that was the very thing I couldn’t bear for him to do to me.
“You already know I won’t do that. You already know it all, Phoenix. You’re an angel. You can see right into me.”
He was silent for a time. Then finally, he dropped his arms and stood, pulling me up with him.
He took a step back and cleared his throat. “You will need to move quickly. The souls have felt your presence before, Violet. They will find you quickly and try to take it from you.”
I nodded, expecting as much. “What about Rainer?”
He smiled sadly. “She will be protected. Only you are here in your life form. You have brought her with you, but her essence and form remain behind. Though if you lose her here, it will not be good.” He paused before adding, “I need to warn you against this, Violet. Your maker will not be happy. There will be a price, and I have no idea how high it will be.”
“I know, Phoenix. This isn’t on you. But this is what you can do to help me make it right.”
His jaw clenched and he nodded tightly. “I can’t help you, but I can be here, like last time, to push you back in the right direction when you’re ready, but you’ll have to make it back to me.”
I swallowed, looking out toward the nothingness that held billions of tiny floating shimmers: lost and broken souls, searching for what they once had, desperate to feel something again.
“Can you see them?” I asked Rainer.
She shook her head. “I only see the darkness.”
I turned to Phoenix, who appeared deep in thought. “And I only see the light because of it,” I said, acknowledging the value of the dark, and the role that the angels malign have in the universe—telling him, in my own way, that I understood.
Phoenix flinched at my words and looked at me, his eyes instantly tearing. He quickly turned. “You should get going,” he said, already walking away.
“You have a lot of intense relationships; you know that?” Rainer said beside me.
Understatement of the century.
“I know. And it has to end.” I looked up and took a quivering breath. “But first things first.”
Together, Rainer and I walked toward the vast nothingness. Her eyes locked on the blackness, mine on the countless shimmering images, floating like stars, soundlessly searching.
The shimmers started to stir as we neared. “Remember,” I cautioned, “if you want to find her, you have to open yourself to her, find the piece of her that only you know.”
Rainer nodded. “I’ve got it. We’re twins, Violet. I’ll find her.”
I nodded, though I knew that only time would really tell. “Just make sure, no matter what happens, that you—”
“Don’t let go,” she cut me off, squeezing my hand.
“Right.”
The reflections were moving in on us now. I knew how this went and that we wouldn’t have long.
I stopped walking when we were far enough. “Stay focused. You’ll only get one chance at this, so make it count.”
Rainer nodded and tilted her head back, closing her eyes as she began to call to Nyla’s soul.
Oh, Nyla, forgive me.
The shimmers encircled us. They were bolder than last time, and I knew I would need to hold on to give Rainer the time she needed.
I gripped her hand tightly as they closed in on me, pouring through me, feeding on me, draining me. As the intrusions became violent, I heard myself cry out as they crushed me from the inside and outside.
“Violet, you’re bleeding!” Rainer said.
I looked at her. “Keep going,” I ordered, ignoring the blood that I could feel trickling from my nose and eyes.
She nodded, refocusing.
Time that is filled with pain is slow and gradual in its release.
The shimmers pounded through my being, grabbing like tentacles and sucking all they could from me. There was no way to fight back and I could not endure much more. But then I heard Rainer cry out.
“I can feel her, Violet. She’s coming to me!”
And so there was no choice. I would hang on. I would give Nyla and Rainer their chance.
Blood ran down my throat and poured from my ears as pressure built with lost souls filling me, siphoning from me. My body jolted as the force of each intrusion became more aggressive and my strength to hold them back deteriorated.
“I have her! Violet, I have her!” Rainer was pulling me.
My legs were buckling beneath me. I wanted to fall down; I wanted to crawl or lie just for a time—even if it was a gradual time.
But I couldn’t take Rainer from Wil. And I had to get back to find Spence. So my feet stumbled again and again as Rainer pulled me along. I heard her screams: “Phoenix! Help us! She’s not going to make it!”
Arms caught me as I fell back—a perfect game of trust.
He was there.
“She’s not strong enough to cross the realms,” he said, sounding panicked.
I wanted to reassure him, but my mouth would not move.
“I can’t…I can’t,” he floundered. “Damn it! I can’t heal her here and she can’t…We have to…Oh, what the hell!” And it sounded like he’d decided something and I was grateful, because right then, my mind
could not work.
Suddenly, I was on a cold floor, choking on my own blood.
Rainer was by my side, calling my name, shaking me even as I felt her tremble. Something was bashing on the door and I felt an odd sense of déjà vu. Then a massive cracking sounded as the door splintered and the sun whooshed in, enveloping me.
People were yelling—one voice so commanding, screaming my name and ordering me over and over to live.
And even as the world went dark, I was painfully alive when I felt the most devastating kiss of warmth.
“We pay a price for everything we get or take in this world.”
Lucy Maud Montgomery
When a person forces herself to live in a world that has no sun, it is a dreadful existence. Most would be better off never having known the sun existed than to be left cast into perpetual shadow with nothing but the memories set on constant repeat. Memories cannot—do not—re-create the sun.
It comes from every angle, attacks every sense and fiber of our beings. The sun, more than anything, is the very assurance that we are real and that there is life.
Awareness slowly returned and I was conscious of one thing and one thing alone.
I’m lying in the sun.
And before I’d even opened my eyes, I was crying my heart out for the first time in two years.
My memories had never, could never have, done it justice.
“Don’t cry, Vi,” the sun said. “Don’t cry,” he repeated, as he smoothed the hair from my forehead and gently stroked the contours of my face. “Please wake up. Wake up so that you can come back to me,” he whispered, as if I could be the one special enough to belong to the sun. And even more, as if, by some miracle, the sun still belonged to me.
But I’m not. And he doesn’t.
Lucidity increased by the second. It took only a few brief moments before my hand was briskly wiping away my unauthorized tears and my eyes were blinking open.
Lincoln sat on the edge of the bed, leaning over me.
“Hey,” I said, my voice catching.
“Hey,” he said, his voice soft.
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