by Trent Reedy
“I shouldn’t be crying like this. I’m supposed to be a soldier too.” Her arm slid around behind my back and she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder. “We all swore in. I thought I was ready. But I …” She shook her head against my arm. I could feel her wet tears through my sleeve. “I guess I’m not tough enough.”
“What are you talking about?” I said. “You did great. You saved our lives.”
“I … killed someone today, Danny. A Fed, yeah, but a person.”
“I did too. You think I—”
“I never asked you about shooting that soldier in Spokane. I knew you were hurting. Maybe I should have talked to you about it. I should have been a better friend.”
“What? No. You were — you’ve always been great.”
“All I could think to do was cook food for you. Danny, how do we deal with this? How do we live with ourselves after what we’ve done?”
I gave her a little hug. “What you did, making sure I took time to eat, taking care of me when I drank too much — that stuff’s important. That’s what being a good friend is.” I handed her the sweatpants. “So, you know, first, I got these. They’re clean and everything. You should put them on so you don’t freeze in those wet jeans.” I would have gone around to the other side of the shelves to give her some privacy, but she was on her feet and taking down her jeans before I had a chance to move. Even though I turned away as soon as I knew what she was doing, I couldn’t help but catch a flash of her panties.
“Thanks,” she said. We sat back down and didn’t say anything for a long time. After a while, Becca pulled the sleeping bag back over us. She looked down and rubbed her hands up and down her legs.
“Danny, I’ve imagined what it would be like to be under the blankets with you, wearing your clothes … kissing you … for a long time.”
There it was. I kind of wish she hadn’t brought up the kiss. We could have just chalked it up to a heat-of-the-moment reaction. Something we did because we were sure we were about to die. Her talking about it now brought the whole thing into the present. Made it real.
I decided to tell her the truth. “I don’t know what to say. Everything was happening so fast. You really surprised me there.”
“Really?”
“What?”
“Were you really surprised?” She put her hand on mine. “Couldn’t you tell how I felt about you?”
Sometimes she had acted weird, like super friendly, but I always thought we were just friends. I mean, we were friends, but I thought … I didn’t know what to think right then. “We’ve always been close,” I said to Becca as she looked at me. “You’re one of my best —”
“No!” she hissed. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
She wanted to be more than friends. “Becca, you saved my life today. Again. Who knows how many times now? And you’re really pretty. Beautiful. I’ll admit it. But—”
“Don’t say it.”
“— I’m with JoBell.” I could feel her shrink next to me. She started crying again. “I’m sorry, Becca, but I love her.”
“And you don’t feel anything for me?”
What was I supposed to say to that? I did feel something for Becca. Maybe a lot, and that was wrong. “I feel … It isn’t fair to JoBell,” I said.
“I know!” she said. “Don’t you think I know that? She’s my best friend. Do you have any idea how disgusted I’ve been with myself …” She was sobbing. “Falling in love with my best friend’s boyfriend.”
Becca Wells was in love with me? She couldn’t be. “I don’t know what you want me to —”
“Don’t say anything. Just … We almost died today, Danny. We probably still will soon enough. I needed you to know how I felt. How I feel.”
I’d grown up with Becca. We went to the same preschool, Sunday school, and confirmation. Before my dad died in the war, our parents got together to play cards and things. When I first started dating JoBell sophomore year, I’d gone to Becca for advice. Well, I’d talked to Sweeney too, but his advice was all about physical stuff, and that didn’t come in handy until after JoBell and me had been dating for a long time. Even lately, Becca had helped me smooth things out with JoBell when she was mad at the Boise shooters, when she turned down my marriage proposal.
Damn, and Becca walked in on me and JoBell just today. That must have been hard on her.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said.
“For what?”
“For not being able to say what you want me to say. Because I can’t be what you want me to be.”
She smiled sadly. “I want you to be you. And there’s nothing to say. Part of me feels terrible for having told you this, for feeling this way. I mean, I love JoBell like a sister. It’s all so complicated.” She swept her hand around at the dungeon. “Everything is so complicated.”
“About what you were saying, you know, about shooting. Killing. The right and wrong of it,” I started. What was wrong with a world where I felt more comfortable talking about fighting and killing than I did talking about my feelings toward JoBell and Becca? What was wrong with me? “I haven’t been able to make myself go back to church since Mom’s funeral, and I haven’t seen Chaplain Carmichael since before I went to get Mom out of Washington. ‘Thou shall not kill.’ I know that. But the Bible also has tons of wars in the Old Testament. All those Psalms about how God helps to overcome enemies.” I hesitated. Was I making any sense at all? “I know that we did what we had to do to survive.”
“But what makes our lives better or more valuable than the Federal soldiers’?” Becca asked. “Why should we get to live when a lot more of them died?”
“I don’t … It’s war, Becca. If you cut it by the numbers, think about how many Idahoans were killed when the Fed invaded.”
“But I—”
“Or don’t think about it at all. Maybe what we do is find something positive to focus on. For me, it’s —” I was going to say “JoBell,” but changed my mind. “It’s you guys. My friends are the only family I got left now. And I force myself to remember what the Fed did to my mother. The anger helps.”
I could tell Becca was fighting to keep from crying again. “I don’t want to be angry all the time, Danny,” she whispered. “I’ll tough it out. For you, and for the other three too. Maybe someday this will all be over, and we’ll be able to live in peace. Have fun together like we used to.”
I squeezed her close and kissed her red-brown hair. “I hope so. I pray to God you’re right.”
* * *
A few hours later, Schmidty stood at the hatch above the stairs. “Strawberry jelly,” he said.
“That some kind of code word?” I asked.
“Your best friend TJ stopped by to see if I could fix his old man’s snowblower.” Schmidty blew out a puff of smoke. I flipped him off for calling TJ my best friend. He went on, “He says he talked to JoBell, and she’s allergic as hell to strawberries. Her old man had some nasty old strawberry jelly in the back of the fridge, had mold on it and everything. She ate half the jar before she vomited in a bucket next to her bed. By the time the Feds came to search the house, they found her with a nasty rash on her face and everywhere else, puke beside her, and looking sick as a dog. So they think she wasn’t faking sick after all. She’s off the hook.”
I let out a relieved breath.
“She’s a smart girl,” Schmidty said. “Smarter than you. You all stay in there until shit cools down.”
* * *
That night I wrapped up in a scratchy old Army field blanket on the floor at the foot of the cot, which I let Becca take. Like most nights, I lay there for hours in the dark, trying to remember better times, trying not to think of everything that had gone wrong. The guard shift changed three or four times while I both wished for and feared sleep.
Then I was back on Cal’s bike, out in the snow, and Becca and Sweeney were gone. Four soldiers chased me down th
e street, and I kept trying to kick-start the stupid motor to get the bike to go. That was weird, because the engine was already running. The controls just felt sluggish, and the Feds were catching up. A bullet hit me in the shoulder and I screamed and sat up.
“Danny. Shh. Danny, you’re okay.” Becca’s voice came from somewhere.
The thick dank smell of the dungeon hit me and I flopped back down on the floor, the nightmare over. I could feel my heartbeat throbbing in my neck and ears. My shirt stuck to my sweaty back.
“Are you awake?” Becca whispered.
“Yeah,” I said.
She had her flashlight on, so I could see her put the cot pole on the floor. Good. She’d been smart enough not to get too close while trying to wake me. I took a deep breath to calm myself and shivered in the cold as I breathed out.
“You’re okay now.” Becca placed her warm hand on my shoulder. “Hey, you’re sweating and freezing down there. You’re going to get sick.” She slipped her hands under my arms and tried to lift me. “Come on.”
“No, thanks. I’m fine. You take the cot. I won’t sleep anyway.” I never knew if the sleeping nightmares were better or worse than the waking ones.
Becca leaned down from the cot until her breath was warm against my ear. “If you don’t come warm up in this sleeping bag, then I’m going to stay awake with you. So please just do what I say so I can get some sleep tonight?”
“Fine. But what about you?”
She wriggled out of the bag and picked up my Army blanket. “You slide to the side, and I’ll fit next to you.”
I sighed and crawled into my old sleeping bag. Becca lay down on her side next to me on top of the bag and covered up with the blanket.
“You wanted to know how I deal with what I’ve done,” I whispered. “With all the trouble I’ve caused, and the people I’ve had to kill? Well, I don’t. At least …” I felt the tightness in my throat and was glad that it was so dark, so she wouldn’t see my eyes welling up with tears. “If I’m not mad and I’m not numb, then … A lot of people are dead, Becca. Oh, God, I didn’t want any of this to happen.”
“Shh.” Becca tightened the Army blanket over her shoulders. “Close your eyes.” She propped herself up on an elbow and placed her fingertips on my temples, rubbing them in gentle circles.
“Becca, you don’t have to do —”
“Shh. Breathe deep. Relax. You’re safe now, Danny. Everything’s okay.” Her fingers slowly circled round and round. “Breathe deep and just float, like that day it was so hot and we all went tubing down the Freedom River. We stopped on that warm sandy beach, drank pop, and talked for hours. No problems. No worries. Be there with me right now.”
Her soft fingers and warm whispers carried me away. In the morning, I found her next to me, and I’d had the first calm, dreamless sleep that I could remember in a long time.
—• listening to Federal Idaho Reconstruction Authority Radio. Major General Thane gave — Citizens of Idaho — inside his headquarters — for the initial broadcast — in Coeur d’Alene — ublic of Idaho Radio’s new superstation on AM 1040 — eneral Thane •—
—• Greetings! Greetings! Fellow patriots from across the fruited plain! It’s a great day for freedom-loving Americans and Idahoans everywhere. The Buzz Ellison Show is back on the air! The number to call if you want to be on the program today — if you’re in an area where the United States government allows comm calls — is 1-800-555-INDY. That’s 1-800-555-4639. It seems the United States shut down the old number that Buzz fans had been using for thirty years, since before people even had the old cell phones.
We’re on the air coast-to-coast today despite the very best efforts of the United States government to crush freedom of speech. First, I must thank Republic of Idaho President James Montaine for making this possible. Then I must thank a whole secret network of people who have the courage to route this program to their stations. We’re winning one for freedom today!
Folks, my pile of interesting things to talk about is through the roof. But I want you all to know that I am currently broadcasting on one of the most powerful radio transmitters in the world. The strongest commercial transmitter allowed in the United States broadcasts with fifty thousand watts. Republic of Idaho Radio, AM 1040 RIR, is on the air with five hundred thousand watts! You should have seen the efficiency, the dedication with which Idaho engineers and workers built this massive system. It’s been almost two months since the federal government of the United States attacked Idaho and forced us to declare independence, and in that time, Idaho has built a network of broadcast cables that works basically as a giant antenna. If the United States destroys some of the transmitter network, there are redundant systems ready to continue getting the word out. That’s the kind of progress that can be made when people are free from United States federal bureaucracy! Our broadcast engineers estimate that in clear weather, especially at night, people will be able to tune in to our programming throughout most of North America. So, to those politicians listening in Washington, DC, and especially to Laura Griffith, I think I speak for all the citizens of the Republic of Idaho when I say, “You can go to hell!”
Oh, I’ve been waiting for so long to say that, fellow patriots. And no FCC to slap me with a fine! Now we aren’t just broadcasting loud. Our old affiliate stations in Texas, Florida, Vermont, Missouri, Iowa, and even — you’ll never believe this — California are defying the United States government by broadcasting the Buzz Ellison Show. Those states have decided not to go along with the Unity Act’s prohibition against any broadcasts the president happens to decide are “rebel communications.” What’s more is that some other broadcast networks have found a way to deliver their programming to RIR, because they don’t believe it’s constitutional to suppress freedom of the press. Look out, Laura! You’re losing your grip on things.
Finally, I want to say this to all of you struggling under the United States’ occupation of northern Idaho. We’re here for you. The Fed has been able to disrupt our previous broadcasts, but they’ll have a hell of a time blocking us now. We’re here to connect you to your national capitol in Boise and to the rest of the world. God bless you, and God bless Idaho. I’m Buzz Ellison, back after some important information from the Republic of Idaho Department of Defense. •—
—• Hello, resistance radio! General Thane will be traveling with more security from now on. Our snipers tore up his convoy real good! Dozen dead Fed in Coeur d’Alene! Long live the Brotherhood! •—
—• From NPR news, this is Everything That Matters. I’m David Benson. Today is a special program, as NPR is now broadcasting some of its programming to areas of Idaho, Montana, and the Pacific Northwest that it has not reached since Operation Unity began in November. President Griffith has backed off her initial threat to defund or even forcibly close down NPR production offices, saying, quote, “The federal government welcomes a more informed Idaho population and hopes that listeners united with the rest of America in their radio programming will understand the wisdom in uniting with their country in their actions and politics.” The Republican leadership in the House, however, has pledged to call for a vote on a proposal to cut federal funding to NPR. Speaker of the House Nate Gregory of Virginia, an increasingly vocal opponent of the president, said, quote, “While many Republicans opposed Operation Unity, now that we are engaged in the conflict, the only acceptable outcome is victory. The Unity Act makes all rebel transmissions illegal. Allowing the restoration of anything like normal broadcasting in a rebel state is contrary to the spirit of our pursuit of unification,” end quote. NPR’s president, Kelly Darmon, made a rare public statement, explaining that even without the special arrangement with Idaho’s new flagship radio station, NPR programming would have been recorded and smuggled into Idaho anyway.
In Texas, federal troops are maintaining position while Texas State Guard forces appear to be making preparations for combat. Many speculate that President Griffith has withheld orders for military enforcement
of the Federal Identification Card Act while she and a special bipartisan, federal congressional delegation negotiate with the Oklahoma state legislature in an attempt to persuade that body not to join Texas in voting for nullification of the act.
Despite several hundred arrests, rallies for peace continue in nearly every major American city, with dozens of organizations calling for an immediate cease-fire in Idaho. However, as NPR’s Alicia Seeve reports, some criminal elements have taken advantage of these emotional situations to commit looting and violence. •—
—• Tonight, on the left, Sue Carlin. On the right, Jordan Lund. I’m Al Hudson, and this is Talk Fire on CNN. Sue, Jordan, thanks for joining us. We typically feature guests who represent a consistent Democratic or Republican perspective on the issues, but wouldn’t you agree that — especially regarding the war in Idaho — those party perspectives aren’t as clear as they once were? And what about President Griffith’s proposal for negotiations? Are they a good idea? Do they have a chance of succeeding? Sue, we’ll start with you.”
“Thanks, Al. I think you’re right. Mr. Lund and I were talking before the show, and I think he’d agree when I say the parties aren’t as united in their opposition to each other as they have been in recent decades, especially after Jim Barnes agreed to become vice president.”
“Exactly, Sue. Al, I think party affiliation is, in many cases, giving way to regional interests. With a real possibility of war in their own backyards, Americans are concerned about the economy, their jobs, their children, their lives. But since this show is usually about two opposing sides to an issue, I will say that personally, and I know many Republicans and more than a few Democrats agree with me, I think these negotiations with Montaine are a mistake. Griffith has given him an opportunity to stall, to prepare new defenses and train more soldiers so that —”
“But you don’t know he’s using this time to prepare for more war. For now, fighting in southern Idaho has backed off considerably. I do think President Griffith needs to set a time limit on these proceedings. And she needs to ignore Montaine’s list of demands. He’s calling for massive amounts of food and medical supplies, supposedly as a show of the president’s good faith. I hate to sound harsh, but that’s outrageous.”