"I thought Shifters could heal themselves," I said to Simon as I ran my hand through my hair nervously.
"She has already healed herself substantially. She has nothing left and that's where you come in," he said as he bowed to me.
"Don't do that," I snapped. "It makes me uncomfortable." What if I couldn't do it?
"As you wish." He grinned and winked. I was beginning to really like the skunk.
I squatted down and examined DeeDee's leg. Sure enough, it jutted out the wrong way. Small pieces of sharp bone covered in dried blood protruded through her light brown fur. Magic took me without my calling it up. It was alarming, but I went with it. It was warm and swirled around me stronger than it ever had. Lavender sparks crackled and bounced around. My hair flew around my head and I laughed—with joy. Nothing had ever felt so right.
I gently touched her leg and I went from elated to shocked so quickly I fell backward. Her leg healed, but there was a price. A burning shot of pain exploded through my own leg that mimicked the area of her injury. Shit. The heat eased, but I was a little wary to find out where everyone else was injured...especially Chuck.
"Well, that sucked," I said as I massaged my leg. "Chuck, if you're having bowel problems you are shit out of luck for a healing. Pun intended."
"My wound is on my shoulder. There is a bullet lodged deep," he said as he showed me the hole. "If you would remove the bullet I will be on my way."
"Can I just reach in and pull it out?" I asked Simon. I knew I might puke, but it would save my shoulder a world of pain if I could fix Chuck without magic.
"Nope," Simon informed me, way too happily for my pleasure.
He was a sick bastard.
"Fine," I ground out. "Chuck, sit. You're too damned tall for me to reach you standing. And I mean sit—not squat."
I heard Chuck's laughter rumble around in my head as he plopped down on the floor. Again, the magic came up unbidden as soon as I touched him… and again it hurt like a motherfucker. Maybe Hildy hadn't died. Maybe she got sick of being in excruciating pain all the time and just took off. They never did find a body.
"Next," I gasped as the bullet popped out of Chuck's shoulder. Better to get it all over fast before I chickened out.
Bob had a partially cut artery and Wanda had broken paws and her femur was cracked. It was getting difficult to breathe or even see straight, but Baby Bo was still waiting.
"I can do one more," I told them. "Come here, little guy."
He scampered over and curled up in my lap. My heart grew three sizes like the freakin' Grinch as I nuzzled his slightly stinky fur.
"My head hurts," he said. "It hurts so bad, Zelda."
Blood still slowly seeped from a long gash at the base of his little skull and my inside clenched in fury. He was just a little boy.
"What happened to him?" I demanded.
"He was attacked by honey badgers and thrown against a tree," Simon said quietly. A very pale and now healed Wanda shifted back to human and sat next to me on the floor. All of the animals had shifted back and were dressing themselves as they watched.
"What the hell is wrong with you Shifters? Why would anyone attack a child?"
"Territory," Chuck grunted in disgust. "When Hildy was killed her magic left the area and all the species are vying for territory."
"Is this entire town Shifters?" I asked as I absently rubbed little Bo's soft tummy.
"Yes," DeeDee offered. "Mortals may stop in town, but they never stay. We have made it as unappealing as possible."
"Your grocery store sucks," I said as an image of Hot Ass Guy popped back into my brain. I wondered if he was a Shifter or a mortal passing through.
"Go to the back of the store and through the supply door. That's where all the good food is kept." Bob let me in on the secret. "There is a whole store within the store."
"Tell Fabio that. He's the one with the bad credit cards and the need to shop for food."
"Will do," Bob said.
"All right, I don't suppose I'll know what's going on inside of Bo until I touch his wound. Back up guys, I have a feeling this one is bad."
I was right.
But I had no idea how right I was.
Baby Bo had a brain injury with internal bleeding. The rocket blast of searing pain that crunched my brain was indescribable. I gasped for air as I tried to let my magic flow from my body to his. His large brown eyes held mine as tears seeped from them.
If I ever came across a honey badger I would smite it dead so fast it wouldn't know what hit him. Bursts of color exploded in my head and I knew I shook like a leaf. I could hold on for a little bit longer. All I needed was to feel the click… hang on—just hang on.
The click came slowly. I'd healed the baby.
I tried to smile afterward, but it formed on my face like a pained grimace. My entire body ached. I vaguely heard cheering in the distance, but my body was behaving like it was in quicksand. I attempted to stand, but the room was spinning and I floated above myself. I tried to explain that this job wasn't going to work out for me. However, it sounded like mushy Martian, even to my own ears. The wide-eyed and worried looks on the faces of my patients concerned me a bit, but at least I was done.
And then everything went black.
Chapter 7
My mouth tasted like rank sandpaper and I'd never had to pee so badly in my life. However, the main problem was prying my eyes open. They were stuck.
"Is sheeeeeee awake?" Fabio asked frantically.
"She's waking up," Simon burst out with relieved excitement. "Wanda, go and get some water and some broth. Quickly."
"Pizza," I mumbled. "I want pizza and a half Coke, half diet Coke. I'm living on the edge."
"I'm on it," Wanda said.
I heard footsteps race from the room, but my damn eyes were still cemented shut.
"Zeeeeelda, I think I lost four liiiives in the past twooooo weeks worrying about youuuuuuuuuuu."
Two weeks? I'd been out for two weeks? No wonder my mouth tasted like butt.
"Pee. I have to pee. Now." I pried my eyes open with my fingers and immediately shut them again because the light in the room gave me a mini migraine. "Help me to the bathroom and do not get in the vicinity of my mouth. You will die."
"I've got her," Simon said as he carefully led me across the room and into the bathroom.
"Out," I instructed as I began peeling my clothes from my body. "I am going to pee for twenty-seven minutes, and then I'm going to shower for forty-two minutes, followed by scrubbing my teeth for sixty-one minutes. After that I will come out. If you could get me some clean clothes, you can have my first child if I ever get over my fear of commitment. Deal?"
"Deal." Simon laughed as he shut the door behind him.
I was shaky, but the pee, shower and brush were so satisfying, I made it work. Had I really been out for two weeks? Shit. It was getting closer to Halloween and I still had no real clue what I was doing here.
I made my way back to my bedroom dressed in a fabu Max Midnight mini, a tight chocolate camisole and a killer pair of Prada flats that Fabio must have stolen while I was out of commission. At least I looked good. Plus I would no longer asphyxiate someone with my breath.
"So," I said as I greeted my audience that consisted of Fabio, Simon, Wanda and a happy and healthy little Bo. "I've been out for two weeks?"
"Yes," Bo said as he threw his tiny body at mine and hugged my leg as if his life depended on it.
"I do believe," I said as I stared pointedly at Simon, "that this proves I am not the Shifter Whopper."
"Whisperer," Bo corrected me sweetly.
"Right. Anyhoo, I think you guys might want to put an ad on Craigslist or get the word out that you need a healer who is into sadomasochism because that shit hurt."
Concerned glances passed between all the occupants in the room except for me.
"Iiiiit won't always be that baaaaad," Fabio purred as he rubbed himself on my legs that I'd just expertly shaved.
"And you know this how?" I narrowed my eyes at him and waited.
The little bastard huffed out a put-upon sigh and glanced longingly at his balls.
"If you even peek at your nuts again before you answer me I will magically remove them," I warned.
I seated myself and grabbed a hot slice of pizza Wanda had made. Goddess, it tasted good.
"I knoooooow this because I kneeew that woman Hildy when she started. Each time sheeeeee healed others, it took less tolllllll and she became more powerful."
The more powerful thing was appealing because I was alarmingly shallow, but I wasn't sure I believed the pain would ever lessen.
"I'm not entirely buying that shit, Fabio. And there is far more to that story," I told him as wolfed down a second slice. "All I know is my magic ass is grass if I don't find my mission and solve it."
"Have you considered this may be your mission?" Simon inquired casually.
"Nope. I was not meant to live with Shifters in Assjacket, West Virginia for the rest of my life. I mean, you people don't even have a mall, much less a Target. I'm not into pain and I don't have a TV."
"Yes, you do! A humongous one," Bo said. "I've been watching cartoons for two weeks straight."
One issue solved. "Whatever. I'm not the one you need."
"But you're the one we want," Wanda said quietly. "Hildy was wonderful, but you… you're a little crazy. In a good way," she added quickly.
An unlady-like snort escaped my lips. "You want a crazy witch who doesn't like animals to be your Shifter Whoosher?"
"Yes, Zelda, we do," Bo said with a huge smile on his face. He was missing his two front teeth. I had to look away it was so damn cute.
"Where are Chuck, Bob and DeeDee?" I asked as I sipped my icy cold soda.
"They left after you healed them, but they've checked in daily. Actually Chuck is downstairs," Simon answered as he handed me a third slice. He was a sly one.
"Thank you," I said with a mouthful. "Do any of you know how Hildy was killed?"
I decided getting right to the point would save time considering I didn't have a whole bunch left.
"We're unsure, but we know it was violent," Wanda said as she held out a fourth piece.
"No, thanks. I'm good," I told her. They were a smart bunch. Bribing me with pizza was crafty. "I've heard about the violent part. How do you guys know it was violent if there was no body?"
Again, nervous glances were exchanged.
"Look, if someone killed the former Shifter Wanker, don't you think it would be nice if I have some idea of who or what might come after me?"
"So you accept your fate? You believe you are the Wanker?" Simon asked.
"Did you just call me a wanker?"
"You said it first." His grin almost split his face.
"Point," I agreed as I grinned back. "And no. I accept nothing. I'm just not in the mood to be offed anytime soon. So spill."
"There was blood-—lots of blood all over Hildy’s kitchen," Bo said.
"And her magic left the area after we found the blood," Wanda added sadly.
That didn't sound good. I hopped up and began to pace the room in agitation. I didn't have time for vague crap. I had a stupid ass mission to accomplish or I was going to become a mortal.
Unacceptable.
"Did she have enemies?"
"No more than anyone else," Simon said as Fabio rolled his eyes.
I halted abruptly and turned on Fabio. "Cat, start talking."
"Fiiiine. Hiiiildy was a menace. She liked to stir up trouble since the daaay she was hatched," he hissed.
"I thought she was a witch."
"Oh, she was, but she was a little on the unstable side," Simon added. "In a good way."
"Let me get this straight. She was basically an insanely imbalanced witch who courted trouble, fixed furballs and kept some kind of magical balance in the area?"
"She also was quite the fashion plate," Simon chimed in.
"Don't you see how perfect you are for the job?" Wanda shouted enthusiastically.
"Um, Wanda, you're not really helping here," I told her.
Yes, I was insane. Yes, some would describe me as an unbalanced trouble magnet. Yes, I could heal and yes, I was well dressed… but shit. I didn't want to do this.
"Theeeere are more in the baaasement," Fabio said as he delicately picked at the piece of pizza I'd declined.
"More what?"
"Moooooore injured Shifters, but you are too weak to fix theeeeeem."
"Son of a bitch. How wounded are they?" I demanded as I rushed to the door. "And how many?"
Simon grinned and elbowed an also grinning Wanda.
"Cut that shit out," I snapped. "I don't want dead animals in the basement. It'll stink. I am not the Wanker, but I will see if I can help the bastards in the dungeon. Capisce?"
"Whatever you say," Simon said. "Follow me."
There were four and they were in bad shape. Chuck the bear was among them. He was knocked out and bleeding badly. Clearly he was a fucking idiot. Shit. My stomach lurched at the thought I might be passed out for another two weeks, but the Shifters would most certainly die if I didn't help them.
"You assbuckets need to stop trying to kill each other," I admonished the new group. "I have about had it."
"Will she help us?" a mountain lion asked Simon. "Is she capable?"
"She looks kind of off," a bloody wolf added.
"Actually, I'd say she's crazy," a mangled rabbit chimed in.
Of course Chuck was silent as he was out like a light.
"I can hear you," I shouted, scaring the crap out of everyone, including Fabio, who jumped so high I laughed. "If you're going to talk about me I'd suggest you speak Russian or French. I don't speak those languages and your insults will fly right over my head. If I don't realize you're mocking me I might not spay or neuter you in the process of your healing. However, since you're stupid enough to have been discourteous, all bets are off as far as your reproductive organs go."
"Is she serious?" the wolf asked, aghast.
"I think she's hot," the mountain lion grunted.
"Yes, hot, but definitely serious," the rabbit tittered in a horrified voice.
"Thank you, O Great Lion. You shall keep your scrotum. The rest of you—it's a maybe at best. Now get your bloody carcasses over here and let me have at you."
The menagerie slowly lined up and dragged the incapacitated Chuck with them. They waited in a terrified line for me to do my voodoo. I kind of liked the power I had over them until I had to actually heal them.
Thankfully Fabio was correct. It was easier this time, but it still hurt like a bitch. After repairing the lion's throat, the wolf's heart, the rabbit’s entire body and Chuck's gaping head wound, I was nauseous and dizzy. But I was also awake and in full possession of my body.
"All right, get out of here unless you need to sleep or something," I told them. I didn't want the new guys’ names. I was getting too attached to the Shifters from the first round of healing. I was going to make a clean break here soon and having feelings for people who turned into animals was not going to help.
"Youuuuu did goood, Zeeelda," Fabio said as he pushed me with his little paw toward a pile of bags in the corner of the basement.
"What are those?" I asked as I eyed the large shopping bags labeled Prada and Gucci and Barney’s.
"We came bearing gifts for the Shifter Whisperer," the lion, now a very handsome man, said.
Thankfully he'd donned some pants and a shirt or I might have started drooling. Between him and the now conscious Chuck the bear the basement was beginning to look like a hot dude strip club.
"We heard you enjoy designer duds," the lion explained.
"That's very kind of you," I said. It was difficult, but I held myself back from diving on the bags and tearing them open. "Is this how you, um… paid my Aunt Hildy?"
I could possibly live with this.
Chuck, now in full possession of his voice, shifted back and for
th uncomfortably. "Um, no. I usually just bent her over the chair and…"
"Enough!" Simon cut him off before he illuminated the room with details about my dead aunt's sex life.
Nice. I was definitely no longer attracted to the bear who had clearly popped my aunt.
"Sheeeeee was a sluuuuut like your motheeer," Fabio announced.
"I do believe I already told you that I'm the only one who is allowed to bust on my mother's morals." I heaved out a sigh and paced the room. What I really needed was to get the hell out of the house and breathe some fresh air. "I'm going for a walk."
"We'll come with you," Wanda offered quickly.
"Actually, Wanda, I want to be alone."
"Is that safe?" she whispered to Simon.
"What are you talking about?" I demanded.
"It's fine," Simon assured me and the other Shifters nodded. "Your land is being patrolled by Mac and several other wolves."
All of the Shifters bowed their heads in deference to this Mac dude.
Well, all right then. I was getting the hell out for a bit. Mac and his posse clearly had it under control.
Chapter 8
I was definitely not getting attached to the place, but I had to admit Assbuckle, West Virginia was beautiful. The leaves were jewel-toned and fall blooms exploded all over the hill as I meandered away from the house. I knew they were all watching me from the windows so I walked farther away than I had planned.
Which of course turned out to be a fantastically stupid idea.
I heard it before I saw it—teeth gnashing, growls and screams. Instead of running away like any normal person would, I ran toward it. I was in no mood to heal any more hairy, bloody bastards. It was time for these idiots to get along.
Holy Hell. It was ugly with a capital U. There had to be at least twenty honey badgers on the one wolf. The wolf was being attacked on every side. He was tearing them apart, but there were entirely too many and they were getting a piece of him with each strike. I watched for a brief moment, then my body jerked into action before my brain could process what a bad plan that might be.
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