Peterman_SwitchHour_Gen_Nov2015

by Robyn Peterman

  "I am so sorry," I blubbered in barely coherent English. "You drove me nuts and I did consider the pound a couple of times, but I never would have really done it. And you were right. If I had balls and I could lick them, I would have—probably more than you did. You stupid cat. You made me love you and now you're dead. This is why I don't love people or animals or anything. They don't stay. Who's going to steal me clothes from Paris now? Who's going to make me pancakes? Oh Goddess, I wish I had told you when you asked. I do, you little fucker. I love you."

  My sobs racked my body and I rocked my dead cat back and forth until his weight gain made rocking impossible. WTF? I was no longer holding my sweet yet inappropriate little cat.

  Nope, I was holding a huge, auburn-haired naked man with eyes that matched mine.

  That's when I screamed.

  Chapter 14

  "Oh my Goddess, cover him up," I yelled.

  I shoved the huge shocked man off my lap and slapped my hands over my eyes. He was beautiful, but for some reason his naked body repelled me. I was completely grossed out.

  "Somebody cover his balls. Now! I cannot look at this man's nuts or weenie or I will puke."

  I stared up at the ceiling as my friends and neighbors frantically searched for something to cover his offending privates. Finally Mac draped an orange tablecloth over the man who used to be my cat. The guy looked hideous in orange with his red hair, but that was the least of my problems at the moment.

  I got right up in his face. "Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my dead cat, buster?"

  His smile made me blink. It was a mirror of mine. Who in the hell was he?

  "Hello, Zelda. I've waited a long time to make your acquaintance."

  I was bizarrely drawn to him, so I backed away. My urge was to hug him, but he made my dead cat disappear. "I want my cat back," I snapped.

  He smiled and held out his hand. I refused it and he slowly dropped it back to his side.

  "Tell her who you are," Mac demanded.

  "You know him?" I asked. Confusion didn't begin to cover the thoughts filling my brain.

  Mac squatted down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. "I've met him several times,” he said to me.

  “I figured it was you," Mac said to Naked Dude.

  "She could do better," Naked Dude said with authority.

  Why did this sound familiar? "Are you Fabio?" I asked.

  "Yes," he replied, his focus totally on me. "But I'm more."

  "Yeah, clearly. You're a big naked man who I do not ever want to see naked again."

  The crowd of Shifters watched. Some frowned in confusion and some smiled knowingly. Goddess, I hated not being in on the secret. This sucked and needed to end now.

  "You realize you can't lick your balls anymore," I told him and then dropped my head into my hands. Why was I born without a filter? Why?

  The Shifters laughed and the man chuckled. "I know. I will actually miss that," he said as I looked up and grinned.

  "Who are you?" I asked again.

  "Zelda, I am your father."

  I was unsure if I wanted to laugh, cry or smack him. This was a shitty joke and it tore at my heart, cracking it to pieces.

  "What the fuck?" I shouted. "When did we start playing Star Wars? I don't have a father. I have a sperm donor. You are not my father. I want my cat back."

  "Zelda, I can explain." The man's voice was raw and full of emotion.

  I looked to Mac. "Is he telling the truth?" I whispered the question as I leaned into him for comfort.

  "He is your father, but if you don't want to talk to him I'll take you away."

  Turning back, I stared at the man who claimed to be my sperm donor. At least now it made sense why I couldn't look at him naked.

  "Spill it." I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. The impulse to crawl over to him was enormous.

  "I didn't know about you. Your mother never told me. When I found out I confronted her and she turned me into a cat. The only way I could be with you as your father was if I earned your love."

  His voice was sincere and his eyes searched mine, begging for something. I groaned and let my head fall back on my shoulders.

  "It took me a very long time to love you as a cat. I have no clue if I can love you as a father. Is your name really Fabio?"

  "Yes. Yes, it is."

  "That's kind of unfortunate," I muttered.

  "Yes, well, my sister's name was Hildegard."

  He did have a point. I was glad he had no hand in naming me.

  "All right, Fab—dadio," I stuttered and then expelled a large sigh. "We can go slow. Really slow. You will have to wear clothes that aren't orange and I won't call you Dad until I can say it without laughing—which may be never. I will call you Fabio or Naked Dude. You will pay for therapy until I can get the visual of your white ass and nuts out of my head and you have to tell me about Aunt Hildy."

  "I can do that," he said.

  His eyes sparkled with hope and I felt wanted by a parent for the first time in my life. It was a heady feeling and I didn't want to trust it, but he was here and he was smiling at me.

  The magic in the ransacked bar ramped up dramatically. The Shifters huddled in fear, but I just smiled. I knew she would show up eventually. It was All Hallows Eve, after all.

  "Well, this is certainly a mess," Baba Yaga purred as she and her scary cronies appeared in a poof of old lady crouch smoke.

  "Yep," I agreed as I hugged her tight. She had graduated from Flashdance attire to appalling Madonna-esque. Hundreds of black rubber bracelets covered her arms and the cone-shaped bustier that barely contained her ample breasts could put an eye out. Her skintight silver lamé pants made me gag, but I was truly happy to see her. "I have a present for you."

  "Really?" she asked as she took in my nearly naked father with interest.

  "Fabio, darling, I didn't think you'd be able to do it. You made her love you! Congratulations," she said happily as she flicked her pinkie and dressed him in a heinous outfit from the eighties.

  My dad slash cat cringed as he glanced down at his ensemble… at least it wasn't orange. I hoped someone's cell phone had made it through the battle. I needed a blackmail picture of this.

  "What sort of present do you have for me, dear?" Baba Yaga inquired.

  "I have the motherfucking assmonger who murdered Aunt Hildy. He used a syringe to drain her magic before he killed her and then he put it in himself."

  "Do you eat with that mouth?" she inquired dryly.

  I glanced over at Mac and exchanged grins. "Yes, I do."

  "And did you take her magic back?" Baba asked as she examined the vile badger with hatred.

  "I did."

  "Good girl. I'd suggest you be careful with it. You now possess enough power to blow up the continental U.S."

  She clapped her hands with delight and I blanched. That was far more responsibility than someone like me should have. Ever.

  The warlocks surrounded the hanging badger and yanked him from the air. The looks of sadistic satisfaction on their faces made my stomach roil, but the honey badger had it coming. He had a way to kill witches and take their gifts. This was very bad and tremendously deadly to my kind.

  "So your next mission, if you choose to take it, will be to find the syringe, kill all the ones who created it and destroy any evidence that is left," Baba Yaga said with her back to me. "Alone."

  She turned around, readjusted her dangerous knockers and continued.

  "Or you could take up your aunt's job."

  WTF? How was this fair? I'd done my task. I should be free to leave and go on my merry, vapid, lonely, pathetic way.

  Wait...did she say choose? I had a choice? Was this a win-win?

  I could say I wanted to stay here, but everyone would assume it was because I didn't want to hunt down the deadly weapon. Finding the syringe was sure to get me killed.

  Think, think, think…

  No one would really know I wanted to stay. I had feeli
ngs for all these idiots and I wanted to get to know my father, not to mention have sex by the river.

  Shitballs. Feelings were messy and emotions were dangerous. However, when I weighed it with being alone and most likely dead, the choice was clear. I would stay. The small fact that I wanted to stay would be my secret.

  Pretending to debate the merits of the choice in my head was kind of fun. Everyone in the room was on pins and needles—especially Mac. He stared at me hard, willing me to stay with him.

  Inhaling through my nose and blowing the breath out loudly between my lips, I spoke. "I will stay."

  The roar of joy was deafening. Shouts of glee and hugging and crying commenced. I was fist-bumped, bear-hugged and tossed around like a doll. Finally, I ended up in Mac's arms where I was kissed so thoroughly I forgot my name. My dad stepped up and put his arms out for a hug. Slowly I went to him and it felt so right and so wonderful my eyes filled with tears. Fabio turned to my wolf while I was still in his embrace.

  "I was wrong," Fabio said to Mac as I tried to calm my heart and brain. "You have my blessing. However, if you hurt her I will smite your ass to hell and back."

  My father shook Mac's hand and the truce was sealed.

  "Noted," Mac said.

  WTF?

  Baba Yaga pulled me to her. I ducked so I didn't lose my left eye to her pointed hooter. "I have always believed in you. It delights me to see that you have learned to believe in yourself."

  "Was that my task?" I asked, shocked it was that simple.

  "Yes, the rest of what you did was your fate." She winked and kissed my cheek. "And your mate is hot!"

  "He is not my mate," I insisted loudly. "We're just dating."

  "Good luck with her," Baba Yaga told a delighted Mac. "She's a handful."

  "I will take care of her and will defend her until my last breath," he told the most powerful witch in the world.

  My insides tingled and my woowoo clenched. Baba was correct. He was freakin' hot.

  "Of course you will," she said with a bit of witchy steel in her voice. "I would have never allowed her in your presence if I didn't know this to be true. Zelda, you must use your magic to protect the balance and destroy anything in the area that is deadly to our races. Capisce?"

  I grinned and then I realized what she had said...Wait one cotton picking minute.

  I was stuck on the first part of her sentence.

  Baba Yaga knew all of this was going to happen?

  With the flourish she was known for, she and her entourage disappeared in a cloud of crouch smoke before I was able to ask another question or demand answers.

  "You realize she kind of screwed you over," Simon said as he and Chuck began to clean up the carnage.

  "What are you talking about?" I was still shocked by the events of the evening—mostly that this was my new home. "Don't clean up. I'll use some magic to clear out the shit show."

  "You've done enough tonight," Fabio cut in. "Allow me."

  With a flick of his hand, silver and gold sparkling mist covered the room. Everything was returned to its former glory and all the blood and carnage disappeared. My dad had some awesome magic. I hoped he would still make me pancakes and steal fantabulous designer duds for me… time would tell.

  I was delighted to realize I was wrong about Simon's skunk girlfriend. She wasn't dead, but she was badly injured. I had work to do. Amazingly none of the Shifters had died. I silently thanked the Goddess for my beautiful healing gift.

  "Line all the wounded up. Do it fast before I change my mind and go after the fucking syringe," I told the crowd.

  "Did you not take in what I just said?" Simon asked as he helped his girlfriend to the line.

  "Nope. Explain," I said as I began to heal a mangled fox.

  "Baba Yaga," he started.

  "Call her Booby Yumpy," I corrected him, then I winced in pain as the fox's cracked skull mended. I quickly blasted and swore my way through the rest of the wounded. Which left only Chuck with a large tear in his belly.

  "Nice work." Simon grinned. "Booby Yumpy really gave you no choice at all."

  "How's that?" I grunted as I fixed the bloody hole in Chuck's stomach.

  "She told you to protect the area. She told you to maintain the balance and destroy anything in the area that threatened our races."

  "Yes. And?"

  This cryptic shit was giving me more of a headache than healing head wounds.

  "Spit it out," I demanded.

  "The syringe is in the area. It will be your responsibility to find it and eliminate it," Simon said as he backed away.

  My magic turned from lavender to green and began to shoot erratically around the room. Shifters ducked for cover.

  "That is so fucking unfair," I shouted. "She is such a bitch. So I had no choice at all. I'm going to die finding the syringe."

  "You will not die because you will not be fighting alone—ever again," Mac said with authority.

  "You heard her," I snapped. "I have to do it by myself."

  "No. That was the first choice. You rejected the first choice. You chose to stay. You have a very large extended family now who will have your back."

  His eyes were warm and filled with something I was afraid to name.

  I calmed and peeked around the room. Shifters nodded and stood tall. I was amazed and humbled. How did this happen to me?

  "I will defend you and help you," Fabio said as he dropped to his knee.

  "So will I," Chuck and Simon called out and then knelt down like my father.

  They started an avalanche of shouting. Every single Shifter in the room called out their support and then went down on bended knee. Mac stood beside me and took it all in.

  "You are loved," he whispered.

  I wanted to ask him if he meant by him, but I wasn't ready to have the tables turned back on me. Raw emotion was tricky and I wasn't sure I knew what love really meant… yet.

  But just maybe I was willing to try.

  "Can we still go to the river?" I asked shyly.

  "Would you like that?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

  "Would you?" I countered.

  "More than anything in the world," he assured me as the crowd cheered. It was a little disconcerting to know we were getting whoops and whistles for going off to have sex in a public area, but I didn't care. I wanted this man more than I wanted the new Prada bag that wasn't on the market yet.

  "We can't mate yet," I told him seriously.

  "Yet?" His joyous smirk made me giggle. "There's a chance for me?"

  "Possibly, but you have to pass some more tests and take me out on fifteen dates where no one dies. Deal?"

  "Deal."

  His kiss was downright lewd. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me out of the bar and into the cold Halloween night. I said goodbye to no one. I couldn't see anything except the strong, beautiful man in front of me. We would definitely have fights if we were mated. I could feel it in my gut, but we would also have joy and some of the greatest sex ever.

  "Would I really have puppies?" I asked.

  He stopped and chuckled.

  "No, Zelda. We will have human babies, but they will be very special. They will be Shifters with healing magic."

  "Did you say babies?"

  His sexy grin melted me. "Yep."

  "I'm agreeing to nothing," I snapped as he plopped me on his motorcycle. "I'm just on a fact finding mission."

  "Whatever you say." His voice was gruff and my panties dampened.

  "Just get on the bike and drive," I said as I punched him and he threw his head back and laughed. "Now."

  I was seconds from jumping his fine ass in the parking lot. We needed to get to the river immediately.

  "Will do, my love. Will do."

  Epilogue

  Dear Aunt Hildy,

  I know it's a little odd to write to you considering you're dead and I have no clue if you will ever see this, but I wanted to put down in words what I wish I could say to you.

/>   I would have loved to have known you. Watching the replay of your death was one of the worst moments of my life. I want you to know that I got the fucker who killed you and took your magic. He's with the Warlock Council. I am sure he has wished for death many times over. Those old bastards are scary.

  I took your magic back and it's inside me. It comforts me to know I possess part of you. I would much prefer to have you with me, but if this is the way it was meant to be just know I will take good care of it and do my best not to blow up the continental U.S. However, I can't promise that I can control that.

  Most of this adventure has been a clusterfuck, but I am still alive to tell. I found my father, your brother, and I'm dating Mac. I thought you might like to know that. As far as Fabio, or ”Naked Dude” as I like to call him goes, we are taking it slow. He likes to shop for me and he makes outstanding pancakes. He misses licking his balls, but I'm sure anyone would. I'm beginning to think we can make the family thing work. I can't seem to bring myself to call him Dad, but he seems to be getting used to ”Naked Dude”.

  I plan to stay in Assjacket, West Virginia for the time being. I think I'm happy which scares the hell out of me, but I want to give it a chance. Mac thinks I'm his mate, but he still has fourteen death-free dates to go before I will give his claim any serious consideration. He has sworn repeatedly that we would not have puppies, but I am still searching for proof.

  I've made real friends here and I'm proud of the way I use my magic. I refuse to share these facts with anyone but you because you're dead and real emotion is uncharted territory for me. I'm not ready to go there yet.

  I promise to take care of the Shifters. I am going by Shifter Wanker, not Shifter Whisperer. It's a long story, but trust me, the name suits. I will find that fucking syringe and I will destroy it. I so wish you were here to help me, but I know that's impossible. Even though I didn't know you I miss you terribly. Thank you for the beautiful home. However, I wish you were a size four because you had rockin' taste in clothes.

  I did get a TV. Actually ”Naked Dude” probably bought it with bad credit cards. I can't believe you lived without one. I would love to watch Project Runway with you. Or Spongebob. Regrets are for pussies and I am not a pussy. I send you my love and hope you are in a beautiful place. I will cherish our home and keep your spirit alive.