by Rye Brewer
Suddenly, she swayed. “I don’t feel very well.”
“Here. Lie down.” I reflexively held my arms out to her.
She sank into them and curled up on her side.
I rolled my body around hers. There was something about her that inspired every protective instinct I had. That had never happened before. I’m typically more the take care of my own self kind of vampire.
“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered. Her already fair skin went almost dead white. “I can hardly move. I’m so tired. I feel sick. What’s wrong?” By the time she finished speaking, her voice was barely a whisper.
“You’ll be all right,” I said with a hush, calming voice—at least, I hoped, it was calming. “Just give it some time. Rest. You’ll feel much better once you do.”
Her eyes slid shut.
I watched her pulse working in her throat to be sure she was still with me.
What was I doing? Holding a human in my arms, watching her sleep, making sure she didn’t slip away. And what would I do if she did die, if she slipped into a great nothingness? I would have to let her go, wouldn’t I? So it would all be for nothing. Unless I turned her.
Her blood sang in my veins, and it was doing something to me. It brought up emotions I didn’t normally feel. Normally, I couldn’t stand humans. Selfish, blind, stupid, thinking they knew everything when they knew nothing about what went on around them. Nothing real. But they filled their lives with garbage TV, garbage movies, garbage food. Garbage, in general.
Yet even after all that, they held themselves up as being better than us. Superior. We were the bloodthirsty savages when they were the ones shooting and stabbing and raping each other left and right. Hypocrites.
But her. I glanced down at her aquiline profile.
She was different. She was gentle and thoughtful and concerned for others. She had stayed with me when she didn’t have to. She could’ve left and called the police and had them come. But no. She had stayed and sacrificed herself for me.
And she was beautiful, too. So perfect. Like an angel, if angels existed. Maybe they did—she was sort of an angel, on second thought. My own personal angel. What had I ever done to deserve an angel like her in my life?
What was I thinking?
I jerked like she’d burned me. What was I turning into? It had to be her blood, screwing with my thoughts. I was adopting human emotions, thinking sappy human thoughts. Only a sappy human man would consider things like staying with her. Watching over her, protecting her.
She was so weak and fragile. So easily broken. Somebody had to watch her and make sure she stayed safe.
It would be me. I would wrap her in cotton, then titanium, if I had to, just to be sure nothing could hurt her.
No. I shook my head and told myself to stop looking at her that way. I would stop looking at her entirely if I had to. Anything to stop the flow of thoughts I was drowning in.
She was just a human. A stupid, loud, crass human. A consumer. Somebody who didn’t give a second thought to the person living next door to her, I’d bet. Just because she liked occasionally walking out in the woods and had a conscience didn’t make her anything special.
I would snap her neck.
Yes.
That was the only solution.
If she were dead, I could stop thinking those thoughts. I could go back to being myself and taking care of my life. I could stop wasting time thinking about her, watching to make sure she stayed alive. What a dumb, pointless waste of time that was. It would be so easy to kill her and free myself. Her neck was so weak, so easy to snap if I chose to do it. Just another way humans were so far from infallible. Amazing they didn’t fall apart.
Suddenly, my memories came rushing back—at least in part. Little bits and pieces began rising to the surface of my consciousness.
Being at headquarters, for one. I remembered hiding out in the basement, waiting for my chance to get recent on… somebody.
I squeezed my eyes shut to make it easier to remember. It was awful, feeling like I was out of control of my own thoughts. Who was I trying to hurt?
Lucian. His face flashed across my mind—that haughty look of his. So superior, so full of his own goodness. So fake.
I was looking to keep myself safe from him there, wasn’t I? Yes, because I wanted revenge for something and didn’t want him to find me because he knew I was after him. He must’ve found out somehow.
What was it wanted revenge for? Something terrible. I couldn’t remember exactly, but I could recall the feelings. The deep, intense hatred. Burning through me like a blaze. Yes! The Great Fire.
And Philippa. She had come to see me. I had told her about what I was doing, why I was there, what I intended to do. She hadn’t liked it, but I didn’t expect her to, either. I remembered the look on her face—stricken, concerned, confused.
And then?
Nothing. Blank.
That was where it all ended, no matter how hard I tried to reach back. I remembered being in the woods, far from the cathedral. I remembered looking up at the stars through the tree branches. But that was as far as it went. My life might as well have ended just there, since I could remember nothing about it until I woke up in the cave.
It might have been for the best, I thought. Who wanted to remember the pain I must’ve gone through? There were so many burns all over me. Why would I want to remember going through that? Not to mention the injuries to my face, the soreness in my back and ribs. Somebody had gone to great lengths to destroy me, then wipe it all out. They didn’t want me to remember who did it, I guessed. Or what they’d said while they were doing it. Maybe both. Either way, it felt like there was a hole in my life. Would I ever get to fill it in?
The girl stirred in my arms.
I held my breath and waited, but she didn’t awaken.
Her breathing was soft, even, gentle. Just like her.
I had to leave. I had to leave her alone before it was too late and I could never leave her. I could see how easy it would be to stay with her. Too easy. Just like it would’ve been too easy to keep drinking and never stop. Maybe that would’ve been easier, too. For both of us. Her life certainly wouldn’t be easy if she had a vampire hanging on her every move.
Yet my arms didn’t loosen their grip on her. I couldn’t let go no matter how many times I told myself I needed to. It was crucial that I let go. Only I couldn’t. Not when she was so soft and fit so perfectly in my arms. She needed me, too—what if an animal came along while I was gone, and she was too weak to fight? I hated myself for even thinking such a thing, but the fear was there.
So I decided to stop fighting it and get some rest while she got her strength back. I couldn’t sleep, but I could close my eyes, relax, and savor the feeling of having her in my arms while I went into a healing stasis.
Hours passed. By the time I opened my eyes again, she was still out—cold and pale, but not as deathly white as she’d been. Her pulse looked stronger, too.
I couldn’t believe I cared.
That heady, buzzy feeling was still there but it wasn’t as strong. I was getting used to the new blood in my veins. The high was wearing off. That wasn’t a bad thing—I could control my impulses a little better when I wasn’t half out of my mind.
I raised my head to look outside. There was still light, so I hadn’t rested for too long. I couldn’t leave until it was dark. What a shame. It meant I would have to stay with her, my arms around her.
I would have to live without ever seeing her again. Without touching her, hearing her voice, inhaling the special scent that seemed to envelop me? I would never smell a human again without comparing them to her.
She was special. I wondered what her name was. Would she wake up in time for me to ask? I considered going through her things ,but decided that would be an invasion. I wouldn’t feel right, violating her that way. Even I knew how stupid that sounded, seeing as how I had drank from her neck.
What was wrong with me? I wasn’t in love… was I?
No, that was impossible. It was also pointless. The minute the sun set, I was out of there. I would never see her again. That would be for the best. She was a weakness. She made me weak. I hated weak creatures. I’d hate myself for being weak.
Besides, I thought, she would hate me if she knew who I was. What I was. That was a stark thought, but a very real one. Who knew how she felt about vampires? She probably saw us the way all humans did. She’d never want to see me again. I wouldn’t blame her, either. Not when I had almost killed her.
Her hair was so thick and shiny. It was mesmerizing. I couldn’t help looking at it. A beautiful shade of brown, but shot through with strands of golden blonde and deep red. Whenever she moved, it seemed to change color. No way it was real, yet it made sense that her hair was special. Everything about her was so special, not like anything I had seen in any human before then. Strange and special and wonderful.
What would I do without her? Nothing would ever be the same. Nothing would ever mean as much, either. I would go through the rest of my existence missing her, like a part of me was gone. A part of me I never knew was important before meeting her.
Was it drinking her blood that did this to me? That put me in this crazed state?
How had I gone so many decades never holding her? How had she lived without my somehow feeling her inside me, knowing she was out there somewhere? How had my soul not cried out for hers again and again? Or maybe it had. Maybe that was why I had never felt satisfied with my life. I always thought I was jealous of my brother, desperate to lead the clan. But it was her, wasn’t it? I needed her. I just didn’t know what to make of that need, so I attributed it to something tangible. Wasn’t that it?
No. Impossible. I shook my head, warring with myself, tearing myself in two over the urge to let her go and the urge to soak in her presence as long as possible.
The light outside was getting softer, fainter. It would be dark soon. I would have no more excuses for being there with her. I wished time would stop. I wished everything around us would stop, too, so I wouldn’t have Lucian or the clan or anything to concern myself with but her.
“Thank you for saving me,” I whispered, even though part of my soul damned her for destroying me. I would never be the same. Nothing ever would, thanks to her. And I didn’t even know her name.
I slowly, carefully slid my arms from around her. She stirred, and when she did, her smell met my nostrils again and set me sideways.
I left her there, lying as she had left me, with her head on the backpack and the sleeping bag beneath her. She looked so peaceful. There was even the littlest bit of color in her cheeks again.
I brushed my lips against her forehead, taking one more chance to inhale her with all my senses. Her skin was soft and smooth and sweet, a little warm.
“Thank you,” I whispered again.
Then I hardened myself and hurried from the cave.
I had to get away from her. It was better when I was away from her. Every step took me further from her, and her spell over me seemed to weaken.
It was a relief, feeling like I could control my own thoughts again. How had I even thought it would be better if we were always together? What a joke. I clenched my fists and told myself what a joke it was.
I had to get away, far away. I had to course. The forest seemed to go on for miles in all directions—I turned a full circle once I reached the top of a hill and saw how it spread out before me. I didn’t know where I was, so I didn’t know which direction in which to go. I only knew I had to get away from that cave and what was in it.
I was furious with myself for being so weak. I should’ve snapped her neck when I first had the impulse. I wouldn’t miss her if I had.
I coursed before I could stop myself, gliding over the ground, through the trees.
The forest came to life all around me, living things stirring and running, startled at my presence. I ignored them. I ignored everything but the instinct to put as much distance as possible between myself and that cave.
I just reached the edge of the forest and was about to cross into a long, wide field when sharp, blinding pain in my arm stopped me.
I hadn’t felt pain since drinking the human’s blood, and I froze with shock.
My torn sleeve revealed what looked like a burn on my arm. I knew it hadn’t been there back in the cave. I would’ve remembered something like it.
It almost sizzled, and I gritted my teeth as examined it in the light of the moon.
It resembled a hieroglyphic. Or a rune.
Things I knew nothing of. It made no sense, and it hurt deeply. What was happening to me? Who had put it there? Why? What had I done?
I had no one to ask. I didn’t even know where I was or how I’d ended up there. Forces I had no understanding of were working their will on my life without my control. I had to get back in control. I had to find a way to work against them, but how? How, when I didn’t know who I was battling or what they were capable of?
I needed help. I couldn’t go it alone anymore.
I looked around again, but nothing within my field of vision gave me an indication of where I was. I’d find out, though. When I did, I’d find my way home from there. I had to get home, to my family, my clan.
They were all I had. I’d be safe there. I hadn’t felt safe since I left them.
It seemed like centuries since I walked out, sure that I could do a better job of leading the clan than my brother ever could.
Funny, how important that had seemed. Funny, how childish it seemed as I stood there, confused and in pain, more alone than I’d ever felt before.
I took off toward what looked like a little town off in the distance, its lights glowing under the dark sky.
It was as good a place to start as any.
11
JONAH
Anissa frowned. “Gage? Is Fane helping you find him?” she asked.
“That’s the general idea,” I said, as I disentangled myself from her embrace. Not that I wanted to, but it was easier to think when she wasn’t in my arms, making me want to kiss and touch her, and forget that my father and her half-brother were waiting not far from us.
Not to mention the other one waiting. The witch.
Even though I didn’t want Anissa here because her safety was at risk, I was glad she took the chance. How could I ever tell her to listen to me and take care of herself when I couldn’t deny how good it was to have her with me? I couldn’t keep from smiling when I looked at her, either.
She’d never follow my instructions if I forgave her for going against them so easily. I couldn’t help it. I needed a little comfort, too, and having her there was comforting. I was tired of feeling like it was just me against the world—more than the world, I reminded myself. I wasn’t even in the normal world as I stood in that cemetery.
At least Fane was here. He’d keep Anissa safe even if he didn’t want to, because that was who he was, how he was built. He might not have liked her half-blood status, but she was under his protection just by being here. And she meant a lot to me.
If Sirene was telling the truth about him loving his children—and why wouldn’t she—he’d keep Anissa out of harm’s way just because I needed him to.
I brushed Anissa’s white hair back from her face, then held that face in my hands, cupping her cheeks.
If I dreamed, it would be her face I saw.
She had no idea how much she meant—words didn’t describe it.
I wanted to tell her everything, especially the real identity of the legend she knew as Fane. That he was my father. I even wanted to tell her about the baby, though there was still too much anger in me at the thought of it.
A baby. With a witch.
What was he thinking? Didn’t he care about anything that used to matter? How could he do such a thing to the memory of who he used to be? Would I have to treat the new baby as my brother or sister? It would be a long time before I’d do anything like that.
No, I couldn’t tell about the baby, beca
use that would mean telling her Fane was my father. Someday, maybe, I’d be able to tell her that. I hoped. I wanted to believe there would be a time when everything could come to light. It was exhausting, keeping track of what I could and couldn’t tell, weighing the outcome, reminding myself of the danger. Always danger.
Then again, she could keep a secret. She knew how important it was. I hated keeping things from her, but I could trust her. If we had a little more time alone, I might think about it—but we’d have to get back to the others soon, before one of them came looking for us. Otherwise I might be able to convince her to keep the news to herself. There wasn’t time for that.
“Come on,” I murmured, taking her hand. “We’d better go back. They’ll be wondering what we’re doing over here by ourselves.”
“I don’t think they have to wonder,” she whispered with a wicked grin.
I wished we had the time for a lot of things when she grinned up at me like that.
“Yeah, well, I don’t want them looking at us funny, then.”
She giggled .
We walked back together, taking our time with each step. The fog was even thicker somehow. How did it move and roll over the ground when there wasn’t even any breeze to stir it around?
I would never understand all the rules of the different dimensions. I didn’t even know for sure which one we were in.
Sirene looked over at us with a smile when we approached.
I willed myself not to smile back or even acknowledge her. Just because she was there to help didn’t mean we had to be friends. She had no right looking at me that way, with that indulgent smile.
What Sirene and my father thought they had was nothing compared to what I had with Anissa. It irritated me that she would even think it was.
The brand seemed to alternately burn and itch, like it was reminding me of its presence—not that I needed the reminder.
I rubbed it almost unconsciously through my sleeve, like someone with aching joints would rub them when they flared up.