by Anya Nowlan
Nia could hear the little tune the man whistled as he strolled down the corridor, as if nothing had happened at all.
Fourteen
Nia
“He’s gone too far this time,” Ryker said, leaning back in his seat while Nia sat in another, fiddling with the edge of her shirt.
“We always say that, and yet here we all are,” Rio interjected, shrugging. “Hey, I’m not saying what Spade did was okay, but like… it’s not like this is entirely unexpected of him, you know?”
The low grumble of agreement that went over the room confirmed that indeed, Spade’s antics were only surprising and completely jarring to Nia at this point. The men who had somehow drawn the short sticks and ended up in the intelligence officer’s service were more than used to him.
What the hell has happened to all of them for them to be so blasé about this?
She slicked a hand through her rough curls, slumping back in the seat. It was a bit unfair on them, to ask that question. Looking around at the six men in the room, Nia could read from their expressions that the shit they had seen in their lives went far deeper than anything she could have imagined.
While she knew where Thor’s demons came from, it was evident that the rest of his squad had their own, some perhaps even darker than his.
“It doesn’t make it right, though,” Dice commented, taking a swig from a water bottle.
They’d gathered, Shifter Squad Nine and Nia, about half an hour after Spade’s attack on her. She’d demanded a quick blood panel and it had confirmed what Spade had said – he had injected her with the virus. She was certain that when she ran the blood test again in an hour or so, she would see the cells already beginning to mutate at far higher the rate than they were in the human populace in Singapore.
There was a slight, off chance that her pregnancy would act as a deterrent to the virus instead of accelerating it, but considering the way her skin was beginning to flush and her mind was running a mile a minute, she figured that she was not going to get that lucky. All she had to hope on now was herself and how fast she could solve this damnable, lethal puzzle that had been given to her.
“Nothing that prick has ever done has been right,” Prowler growled, giving Nia a compassionate, albeit entirely enraged on her behalf look.
She couldn’t help but smile a little. It was endearing, in a way, to see these men so upset about something that really didn’t concern them that much. Sure, it had suddenly become common knowledge that she was carrying the child of one of their squadmates, but seeing as Thor seemed to be the one least engaged in the conversation and the situation overall, Nia had to assume that the real reason they seemed to care was just that… well, they might have been decent shifters and human beings.
“It’s alright,” Nia started, cringing a little at her own choice of phrasing. “Or, well, it obviously isn’t but you get what I mean. I will try to figure this out, I will try to work this out as fast as I can. Spade wasn’t wrong, I have a hell of a good reason to see this through the right way now,” she said, putting a hand over her stomach.
The baby had started kicking about a week ago. The first time, it had completely surprised her. It was rare enough that shifters intermingled between species but pregnancies like Nia’s were rarer still. Fate seemed to be rather strict about not shoving shifters from different species together very often and when it happened, it always seemed to be somewhat of a special case.
And if there’s one thing I currently feel like, then it’s damn special, Nia thought with a slight roll of her eyes.
What she did know was that from now on, she couldn’t shift again. Women pregnant with a shifter baby who were shifters themselves were welcome to continue shifting until their due date and many even chose to deliver their children that way. However with Nia, the situation was a little bit different. Seeing as she was carrying a panther baby – the child would always carry the defining DNA markers of the father’s species – her options were not quite as open.
“And what do we do?” Price asked, rolling back his injured shoulder a little.
Frankly, all of Shifter Squad Nine looked a little worse for wear, like they needed a week-long nap and some rest and relaxation in the company of their families and loved ones.
Whether or not some of them even have that kind of a support system is something I probably shouldn’t guess about, Nia mused, her gaze wandering over to Thor as it always did.
She knew he was all alone in the world, save for his squad. As much as she wanted to run to him, curl up on his lap and cry her eyes out, she knew she couldn’t do that. Not now. Not when he was staring into the abyss and the abyss seemed to be staring right back at him. It made her stomach twist, to think of what he had to be going through.
You’re supposed to be focusing on what you’re going through, she reminded herself, chiding herself.
“Go and hunt down Spade and skin him like he deserves?” Rio offered, raising a chorus of murmurs of agreements in the room.
“Unless Dice has an objection, seeing as how Spade used to be such a good guy,” Prowler snorted, making everyone turn their attention on Dice, who raised his big, rough palms in mock surrender.
“Hey, I can’t make you guys believe anything you don’t want to, but I wasn’t kidding when I said he’s saved my life a few times, as well as those of others. In the service, he was one of the most dependable men I knew. I don’t know what happened with him after that, but whatever it is, it hasn’t been good, obviously.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you could say to defend him,” Price added.
“Trust me, I lost any sort of desire to do that a long time ago,” Dice growled.
Silence spread over the room again, with Nia focusing on the strip of fabric she kept folding over and over again with her hands and everyone else looking at her with various levels of compassion and worry.
“I think we need to give you two a moment,” Dice said finally.
As if controlled by one hand, Shifter Squad Nine rose to their feet, with only Thor being left in his seat. It was as if he hadn’t even heard what Dice said and Nia wouldn’t have been surprised if that was exactly what had happened.
“You don’t have to go,” she protested feebly, but the men didn’t listen to her and filed out of the makeshift common room one by one.
It was Ryker who stayed behind the longest, putting his heavy hand on her shoulder for a moment and leaning down when everyone else was almost through the door.
“It’s not your fault, honey. He’s a broken man and he can no more help how he reacts than a volcano can stop itself from erupting. Just try not to get swept away by the destruction,” Ryker said, squeezing her shoulder before standing up and continuing out of the room.
The doors swung once or twice behind the large, imposing men of Shifter Squad Nine, before settling shut. Nia frowned slightly, mulling over Ryker’s words, turning them this way and that a few times. This was far from the happy reunion she had hoped to have with Thor, but life had given her lemons, and apparently she had to make an antiviral out of them.
That was enough shit to deal without having to tiptoe around Thor’s feelings at the same time.
She raised her gaze, finding him still on his seat, both hands clutching the arm rests as if they were the only things keeping him grounded, or as if he was seconds from tearing them off the damn chair. Both options seemed equally as possible.
His eyes seemed to be almost vacant, staring into the nothingness ahead. A part of her told her that if she could see into his mind right now, she might not be able to deal with the darkness that glared back from there.
“Talk to me, please,” she said after a pause that seemed to last forever.
He looked up and to Nia’s shock, she could see tears in his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
Fifteen
Thor
Nia basically flung herself out of the chair she was sitting in, rushing over to him. Thor choked back a hol
low sob as she threw her arms around his neck and his own hands went around her soft, lush body, pulling her into his lap. Her warmth felt exquisite against his bare torso, even though the burns hurt his back like hell and moving around wasn’t as fluid as he would have liked it to be.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” she said, running her hands through his short hair, hushing him.
Her voice quivered and Thor couldn’t help but smile a little. How ridiculous this all was – she was the one pregnant and in danger of losing her child and her own life because of something he had brought on her, and she was the one soothing him?
Not again, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut. This can’t be happening again.
“I do. This is… this is all me. You’re in this situation because of me. I bet The Arctics wouldn’t have found you or your people for years, or at all, if we hadn’t come and blown up half the fuckin’ jungle. And Spade sure as hell couldn’t have done this to you if it hadn’t been for me,” he said, forcing his own voice to have some semblance of calm to it, even though he felt anything but.
Since Spade had told him that Nia was pregnant, his world had been in an endless turmoil. It felt like he was stuck between present and past, between what he had already been through and what could still happen. At times, he wasn’t even sure which of his thoughts were just memories of Ashley and what had happened to her and their baby, and what his brain was making up on the spot. Regardless, the future seemed to be painted in the blackest of colors.
Everything he had fought against ever happening again – letting himself get close to someone only to disappoint and hurt them – was happening right in front of his eyes. It felt like no matter how hard he fought against it, fate had decided that he had to be the bringer of death and destruction, the one that turned everything he touched into ashes.
Hugging the beautiful, kind and absolutely stunning creature on his lap, he couldn’t believe that he had been brought to this again and that Nia, of all people, was the one who had to pay for it.
“You can’t control fate,” she said, her tone hushed as she raised his chin with two fingers so he would look into her dazzling eyes. “Neither one of us could have seen this coming. We can’t control the crazy of other people around us no more than we can control what happens to us or the people we l-… we care about.”
She blushed a little, saying that, and a slim smile snaked over Thor’s lips for a moment. He felt utterly pathetic, allowing his darkness to claim him when Nia was being so damn brave. It was he who was supposed to be the one carrying the brunt of the burden, who would keep his head high for the both of them when she couldn’t. And yet, it was completely the other way around.
“You’d be surprised at how much I can do when I fuckin’ want to,” he said, his voice dropping to a low growl.
She twitched away for a moment, making his grip on her tighten. Against all odds and better reason, he didn’t want to let go of her. Hell, he wanted her by his side all the time. It was the only thing he could really think of, even with the axe of mortal danger hanging over their heads.
You’re a damn fool, Thor Dremmons, he thought, echoing the words Nia had told her a few hours ago.
“How long have you known?” he asked finally, steering the conversation off of doom and gloom, even if it was for just for a moment.
“About a month,” she admitted, looking down at her belly.
“Can I?” Thor asked, frowning slightly, unsure if he really wanted to do what his body was telling him to do.
He held up one hand and saw that it was shaking. It had been both too long and not nearly long enough since he had been in a situation like this, holding a woman he cared for in his arms, asking if he could put a hand on her belly and feel the thrum of the heartbeat of his unborn child.
“Oh… Of course, go right ahead!” Nia said, a little bit flustered.
It looked adorable on her.
She was showing a little already, as Thor realized. Shifter pregnancies were odd things. Sometimes they were so damnably evident that the mother would start showing on the first month, and some mothers-to-be could carry to the end of term without really looking the least bit rounder. Nia had that glow about her already, though, and her hips had started becoming rounder and her belly swelled a little.
She looked every bit as beautiful as Thor remembered her, as he had imagined her every damn night since being apart from her, and more.
Tentatively, he put his wide palm on her stomach, sucking in a quick breath as he felt the heartbeat immediately. Shifters’ augmented senses also made the whole part about making sure their mate was actually pregnant that much easier, too. Now that Thor had his hand on her stomach, he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t smelled her pregnancy on her immediately.
It was like she had bathed in something that smelled like home, like something better and brighter in their future.
He shook his head lightly, closing his eyes as his head was flooded with pictures of the last time he had been in this position. It threatened to strangle him, all those memories of how hopeful he and Ashley had been and the plans they had had for their futures. How they had all crumbled into nothing when he had failed to save her and their son.
The tiny beat of his child’s heart under his palm filled him with a mixture of emotions that had no place being in the same body at the same time. He felt this immediate existential calm spread through him and at the same time, he couldn’t help but be completely paralyzed with fear.
This can only end badly for her, he thought. And for our child. Once more, you couldn’t defend those who needed it the most.
It left a sour taste in his mouth and carefully, he removed his palm from her stomach, hating himself for doing this to her.
“I’m sorry, Nia,” he said again, but he knew that no matter how many times he said it, he couldn’t make the words mean and convey everything he wanted to tell her. “I should have never kissed you that night. I should have never done what I did, there’s no excuse.”
The way her sweet expression changed from one of hope to hurt cut him right in the heart, like someone had taken a damn carving knife and stabbed it right through his ribs. He held his breath, his throat closing for a moment as she stood up from his lap and stepped back a pace or two.
“You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, Thor. There were two of us in that cave that night and I wanted everything that happened. Hell, I demanded it. And unlike you, I don’t regret it,” she said, the last sentence delivered with a quake of anger in her voice.
“I don’t- Nia… That’s not what I’m sayin’.”
“So what are you saying, Thor? Because what it sounds like to me is that you wish this,” she said, pointing down at her belly, “had never happened. And I can’t agree with that. Come what may, I’m happy that we had that night together and I’m sure as hell going to make sure that this baby sees the world and is as happy and healthy as I can make it. Whether or not you want to be any part of it is completely up to you, Thor Dremmons. I’m not the one building walls here.”
Her delicate hands had rolled into determined fists and Thor could practically see the steam rising from the top of her head. She was obviously pissed off at him and he couldn’t blame her for it. Hell, as far as he was concerned, he deserved all the anger she could possibly throw at him and that much more.
“Well?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What?” he asked, lifting his sullen green gaze to her.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” she asked, that familiar shudder back in her voice.
It killed him.
The less contact she has with me, the fuckin’ better. I only destroy everythin’ I touch.
“There’s nothin’ to say.”
Now, he could definitely see the shimmer of tears in her eyes and hell if it didn’t hit him like a mallet to the gut.
“Fine,” she said, turning her back on him and marching out of the room w
ith her head held high.
She couldn’t hide the deep, sorrowful sob that filled her chest the moment she stepped into the corridor, though. For all the good shifter senses did, they also meant that Thor heard that sound in all its breathtakingly painful glory.
He fell back in the seat, his back burning from the sudden impact of the chair and his bandaged wounds. Hissing in a breath, he pushed his head back and stared at the ceiling.
If he’d ever felt more worthless or like more of a fuckup, he couldn’t fucking remember it.
Sixteen
Nia
“So how’s it going here?” a familiar voice called behind her as Nia swiveled in her chair, her brow furrowed in concentration.
Her back hurt like hell, she was running a high fever – which was really becoming more of a part of her life than any kind of an active nuisance at this point – the baby was kicking like a future soccer prodigy and every test she ran kept blowing up in her face. Putting all of that into a response seemed almost impossible.
“Like shit,” she replied, turning to face the door while still seated.
Well look at that, I found the perfect words after all.
“So about usual, huh?” Dice said, grinning wryly.
“Just about, yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes as she removed the safety goggles and left them sitting on top of her disheveled hair.
She needed a shower badly and her whole body ached. Small bumps had started forming on her joints and she was expecting them to pop and bleed soon. She’d seen it on another patient, one of ten that The Firm had rounded up from the streets of Singapore and brought to her, so she sort of knew what she was working with here. The patient in question was three months pregnant, which of course was just icing on the cake, and a lion shifter herself.