Chapter Nine
Anna stepped inside her room and closed the door behind her. As it clicked into the lock, she held the large envelope with great care and took a seat on the edge of her bed. Even though the quilt beneath her was soft, she couldn’t get comfortable. Her entire body shook. Her lungs pumped for air. Her heart raced.
She studied the envelope, drew in a deep breath, and let it out. To my beloved daughter, Luciana. The words certainly didn’t give any indication that her mother hadn’t loved her. Quite the opposite.
Now, Anna was more curious than ever about what was inside. While her heart pumped to a fast, nervous, excited beat, an odd combination of anxiety and relief swept up her spine and landed at the back of her neck. This is the moment I’ve waited for my entire life. To hear from my birth mamma. What will she say? Maybe I’ll get to meet her.
She opened the envelope, careful not to tear the letter or whatever was inside. There’s only one way to find out.
With great care, she removed two things. A neatly folded paper and a sketch of a beautiful woman who looked just like her. Only the thick head of hair wasn’t hidden underneath a kapp; on the contrary, it cascaded gracefully down her shoulders.
Anna sat very still, holding her breath, as she took in the large eyes and long, wavy hair. “It’s her.” For long, emotional moments, she stared at it before putting the sketch aside. She unfolded the other paper and began reading out loud the neat handwriting.
“To my beloved daughter, Luciana. I am writing this letter in hopes that you will never read it. I have been warned that my pregnancy is risky. However, I will do everything in my power to survive, and that is why I write this with a happy heart. My doctor was clear to me that my pregnancy had serious complications, that my survival chance was small. But I believe that you will be a miracle in the world. That you will be strong, brave, and unafraid to do what you believe is right.
“As I start labor, I imagine what you will look like. I want to hold you. To teach you to speak English, and Spanish, my native language. I have dreamed of braiding the thick black hair I know you will have. Most of all, I want to take you to Mass every Sunday. I’m Catholic, like my parents, who are already with the Lord, and if my Savior takes me, it is my prayer that a loving couple will raise you and teach you about Jesus. I believe God will love and protect you, whether I raise you or someone else does.”
Anna swallowed as wet, salty tears stung her eyes. She blinked at the sting. With one quick motion, she ran the back of her hand over her cheek to catch a tear. Anna pressed her lips together in a straight line and continued reading.
“If I don’t meet you on earth, I will see you in heaven. I’ve prayed for God to fill your heart with His love. That you will be strong and brave. That you will welcome challenges, not hide from them.
“Know that your decisions will not please everyone all the time. But if you’re anything like your mama, you’ll hold your own. Voice your thoughts. When you express yourself, you will most likely have disagreements. But if you’re silent, you’re not contributing. And your real self is worthy of being heard. You don’t have to be like everyone else.
“Last but not least, I pray with all my heart that you will find true love. My daughter, if you do, you will have something so precious. Rare. What I wanted most but never found. If you find a man who loves you the way you are, keep him. But use good judgment. And always look to God for guidance. That way, you can’t go wrong. What’s most important in our short lives on earth is serving Him. Remember that.
“I am enclosing a picture of me that I sketched. It’s always been my dream to have a daughter, Luciana. I have other dreams, too. But none come close to raising you. I love you so much, Rosalinda Sanchez.”
Anna let out a breath of relief, surprise, and wonder as she contemplated the strong, unexpected words from the woman responsible for Anna’s life. Absorbing the serious letter, Anna stood and stepped quickly to her hope chest.
She sat down in front of it and stared at the cross on the lid. For some reason, the powerful message she’d just read seemed to go hand in hand with the cross that was etched into the lid.
With great care, she laid the letter to the left of the chest and her birth mother’s photo to the right. As Anna focused on the woman who looked all too familiar, she teared up. Her chest ached.
So much emotion filled her: happiness, sadness, anger that her mamma hadn’t lived, and a great joy at this unexpected communication.
Suddenly, she needed air. She needed to breathe. God had answered something she’d prayed about since a very young age. Her parents had wanted her regardless of whether they’d had their own children. And her brave birth mamma had loved her enough to risk her own life.
Anna closed her eyes as she absorbed that her life had changed. And she needed to talk to Jesse Beiler.
* * *
When the sun was starting its show the following morning, Anna knew where to find Jesse. Quick, urgent steps took her to their barn. This was an emergency. As Naomi’s and Rosalinda’s messages flitted through Anna’s mind, her pulse jumped with nervous, excited energy.
My birth mamma loved me. And my parents wanted me, even if they’d had their own children. My life has changed! Where do I go from here? Jesse will help me figure it out.
Inside the barn, Anna looked for Jesse. “Jesse!” When she couldn’t find him, she cupped her hands to her mouth and hollered.
“I’m up here, Anna. I’ll be down in a while.”
Anna expelled an impatient breath and started toward the ladder that was attached to the loft. “This can’t wait! I’m coming up!”
Without hesitation, she started up the steps, hiking up her dress so she didn’t trip on the uneven rungs, and, at the same time, holding on to one side of the ladder. At the top, she let out a breath and lunged forward to push herself on to the platform.
Jesse’s voice startled her. She wasn’t sure why. Perhaps because it was edged with irritation.
“What on earth are you doing?”
She caught her breath and pulled her feet up as she fell back against a bale of hay. “I need to talk to you.”
He eyed her kapp, stepped closer, and pulled some pieces of loose hay from the fabric.
“There.” He narrowed his brows in an odd combination of curiosity and disapproval. “Now tell me what is so important that you climbed all the way up here in a dress in eighty degrees.” As he motioned to a bale of hay, she hopped to her feet and sat on the bale. Without wasting a moment, he claimed the spot next to her.
As she wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead, he lowered his voice. “Something happened?”
Anna nodded, then did a quick turn to face him as she covered the pertinent details. The only breeze was from the open door in the loft. As she talked, she kept swatting away flies that buzzed in front of her.
She poured out everything, from the conversation with Maemm to the handwritten letter written by Rosalinda before she had gone to the Lord.
Afterward, Jesse let out a low whistle. “Anna, do you see what this means?” Before she could respond, Jesse went on. “This is an answer to a prayer. God let you know the two things you’ve wondered your entire life.” After an emotional pause, he softened his pitch. “Your birth mother . . . She loved you, Anna.”
Anna pressed her lips together and nodded. Emotion claimed her and she teared up. But, ironically, the expression in Jesse’s eyes were a combination of joy and understanding that pulled at her heartstrings nearly as much as the letter itself.
As they looked at each other, she saw empathy, compassion, regret, sadness, and happiness in Jesse’s eyes. The mixture of emotions was what she felt, too.
As they locked gazes, she took on an even deeper understanding of him. And she realized just how bonded she was to him. That very realization forced a shiver up her spine.
After a lengthy silence, he lifted his palms to the air and smiled a little. “Anna, I don’t even know what to say. All the tim
es you mentioned her, I never dreamed she had passed away.”
He studied her before continuing. “I’m so sorry. At the same time . . .” He paused, clearing a knot from his throat. “You must feel a sense of relief.”
He stood and made a circuit of the small area before stopping to hook his thumbs over the tops of his pockets. As she watched him, and as he looked at her, she acknowledged something very important. Her heart nearly stopped as she considered the truth.
She stiffened and clenched her fists at her sides, allowing herself to imagine what would happen if . . . if she married Jesse. She recalled the words in her mother’s letter about finding true love.
She was sure she’d found it. That she loved him for real. And she believed he reciprocated. Their relationship was built on mutual trust and respect. She had what her birth mamma had wanted so desperately but had never found.
No. It can’t happen.
Inhaling, she immediately nixed marrying him from her thoughts and focused on what she’d just told her best friend. The significance and how to deal with it.
When he didn’t say anything, she finally broke the silence. “What should I do?”
In silence, he reclaimed his seat beside her on the hay. “Anna, I’m no professional counselor. What you’ve told me runs so deep, I’m not really sure I’m the right person to ask.”
She smiled with appreciation and softened the pitch of her voice. “You don’t have to be a professional counselor.”
He glanced at her and lifted a skeptical brow.
“I’m serious. Jesse, I love the way you see things.”
The corners of his lips lifted into a half grin. “Ya do?”
She nodded. “In fact . . .” She hesitated before deciding on complete honesty. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She swallowed, realizing that what she’d said needed clarification. The last thing she intended was to lead him on. “I tell you things and you offer your best advice. And you never pass judgment on me.”
“You’ve really put a lot of trust in me.”
She nodded.
“And I’m honored to be your confidant.” He pressed a finger to his chin and tapped his boot against the wooden boards beneath him.
“Okay, let me think a moment.” He let out a low whistle. “First of all, Anna, I’m elated.” Before she could say anything, he went on. “Just think . . . you have two mothers who offered you unconditional love.”
Anna blinked at the sting of salty moisture in her eyes and tried not to get too emotional. Right now, Jesse was sharing his thoughts with her. And that meant that she needed to pay close attention and try to understand his view.
He stood, leaned back against the boards that supported the hayloft, and crossed his arms over his midsection. She eyed him from the corner of her eye. As she did so, the thought she’d promised to vanquish returned. What would life be like married to Jesse? Again, she forced it out of her mind.
“Anna, Naomi and Paul loved you enough to take you in and raise you. Surely you recognize what a huge commitment that was.”
She quickly agreed.
“And now we know that they would have welcomed you into their family even if they’d been able to conceive a child.” His tone took on sudden enthusiasm. “When you think about it, you won the lottery with parents.”
“The lottery?”
He nodded. “You know.”
“Of course. They sell tickets at the gas station where we buy propane.”
He nodded. “So . . . if you really want my thoughts, I believe you have more love invested in you than anyone I know.”
She narrowed her brows while she considered his opinion.
When he rejoined her on the bale of hay, she listened as he went on. “Think about it, Anna. Naomi and Paul; I don’t think you can question their love for you.”
“No.”
“And now, you know that your birth maemm loved you so much, she gave her life for you.” He cleared his throat, and his voice shook with emotion. “When you think about it, Anna, you’re truly blessed. And special.”
Anna looked down at her sturdy black shoes as she absorbed the enormity of what Jesse had just said. She felt like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders, only to be replaced by a heavier one.
He chuckled.
She lifted a curious brow. “What’s so funny?”
“I never met your birth mother, but from the sound of her letter, you’re very much like her.”
Anna lifted a brow for him to explain.
“Most definitely, she was all for speaking her mind. And what she said about doing the right thing and letting your voice be heard . . .”
He offered a small shrug of his shoulders. “Think about it, Anna. That’s you. It’s your decision to enter this contest, to win, and to explore a whole new world.” He softened his voice to a more confidential tone. “You’re a risk-taker.”
She couldn’t stop a laugh from coming from her throat. “I am not!”
“Yes, you are!”
They laughed together.
“Now I know where you get it.”
“Get what?”
“Your strong mind.” He raised a hand, so she allowed him to finish. “And I mean that as a compliment.”
“Jah? ”
“In fact, I admire you for it.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “You’re different from anyone I know. In a good way. And Anna . . .”
She waited for him to go on.
“You know what I really think?” To her surprise, he moved his hand to hers and covered her fingers with his.
She stiffened. Not because she didn’t like his gentle touch; she did. His warmth and the way he took her hand in his created a sensation that was an odd combination of comfort and discomfort.
At the same time, she was fully aware that it wasn’t proper. But why isn’t it right? Is it really wrong to touch another’s hand when you care about them so much?
She stayed very still and quickly wondered if God would be unhappy with them for holding hands. She didn’t see why He would.
Jesse turned to her and lowered the tone of his voice. “You’re so very special.” He looked away before returning his attention to her.
When he spoke again, emotion edged his voice. At the same time, the reflection in his eyes was of absolute certainty. And his fingers gripped hers a little tighter. “In fact, Anna King, you’re the most unique individual I’ve ever met.” He stopped for a moment and then continued in a passionate tone. “I never really knew what I wanted in a woman.” He whispered, “Until I met you.”
Her lungs had difficulty pumping air. Her throat became so dry, she was afraid she’d start coughing. But she didn’t. She just enjoyed hearing the words. Because she truly liked and respected Jesse.
After a brief silence, he went on after clearing a knot from his throat. “Let’s just say, Anna, that I want you to fulfill your dream; but at the same time, I hope you have a change of heart and decide to stay here with us.”
She looked at him to go on.
He smiled a little and seemed determined to finish what he’d started. “I know what I’m about to say might surprise you, but just listen and think about it.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
He cleared his throat. “Now that you’ve read the message from your birth mother, things are different.”
He paused as if thinking about how to continue. Then he squeezed her hand with affection and leaned closer. “In her letter, she clearly told you not to be afraid of people’s opinion. To be strong and to have an open mind.”
Anna absorbed his thoughtful words while the sun’s rays came in through the open window. She blinked at the unexpected brightness while she silently acknowledged that something had changed in Jesse. She tried to ascertain what it was. It wasn’t how he looked. Or anything he did really. Yet since she’d shown him the letter, a new confidence had appeared in him. She saw it in the way the flecks in hi
s eyes danced. In the way he had so confidently taken her hand in his. Even the tone of his voice indicated a change in his attitude.
“And don’t get me wrong . . .” He pulled his hand away and held it up in self-defense. Immediately, she missed the warmth of his touch. “I’m not saying in any way that you don’t have an open mind; you do, and I’m glad you do. But Anna . . .”
He stopped for a moment, as if deciding how to proceed. “An open mind means looking at both sides. It means you could decide against becoming Englisch; that is, if you win the contest. And I’m not talking immediately. Decisions of this magnitude take time, and I believe that if you do pursue life outside our community, I’m guessing everything won’t be perfect.”
She smiled a little. “They say the grass is always greener on the other side.”
He offered a nod and lifted a brow. “But we don’t believe everything we hear, do we?”
“No. And I don’t expect things to be perfect. Not at all.” She closed her eyes for a minute. When she opened them, a cool shiver swept up her spine. She shuddered.
He leaned closer. “Are you okay?”
She gave a slow nod. “I’ve thought about the changes being Englisch would mean so many times. But when it comes right down to it . . .” She lifted her palms to the ceiling in a helpless gesture. “I’m a little bit scared.” She raised her chin a notch. “But I’ve got to try it to know if that’s who I am.”
The expression on his face was that of great surprise. “Anna King? Afraid?”
She laughed. Not that what he’d said was funny. It really wasn’t. But the way the words had sounded when they came out. Exaggerated. And the way he’d said the word was endearing.
To her surprise, he leaned closer. He was so close, she could feel his warm breath. Smell his woodsy scent. The flecks on his irises danced differently than she’d ever seen them.
“Anna, I’m not doing very well at getting my point across, am I?”
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