by Maddy Wells
I’m all alone
But I don’t cry
I’m free as lightning in the sky
I come and go and do my dance
I’ll light you up
Give me a chance
World’s finest partner
Me with Me
I am my own best company
I burst into tears then I screamed again. I’m a very good screamer, it turns out. I played a bridge and more came pouring out. For the first time in my life I started a song that wouldn’t stop. There was more inside and I savored the taste of the words in my mouth and let them come out in their own time, which they did.
There’s you and me
Which one’s more free?
You can’t stop me
Being me
That’s your best shot?
That’s all you’ve got?
My lightning shows
It ain’t a lot
Gonna leave me?
Make me cry?
Try to hurt me?
I don’t die
Cause I’ll still be
With me and me
I am the world’s best company
I fiddled with the chords and the rhythm and when I thought I had it right, I put another blank CD in the player and recorded it. Then I played it back again and again. And I laughed and laughed. I stood up and did a dance. I had always felt self-conscious dancing, but now I thought I would definitely incorporate dancing into my stage routine if I ever got the chance. I popped the CD out of the player, found a Sharpie and wrote on the CD: Mercy… Me! and I put the CD in my backpack. I was smiling. Jane was right, I never smiled. Now I couldn’t stop.
The soundboard had a date and time counter which came up after I stopped recording. It was five o’clock in the morning. I had been working non-stop for almost twelve hours and it was the most alive I ever felt. I gathered my stuff together to go up to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and leave, when I saw three figures coming down the steps to the studio. Captain Kirby waved, Tim smiled at me, and Raymond flashed me his usual devilish grin.
Chapter 57
Tim dropped his guitar and backpack and held me in his arms. He smoothed my hair—which probably looked like a tornado carved a path through it—and kissed me. “You look tired but you look really good.”
“Sorry it took us so long,” Captain Kirby said. “Traffic on 440 was stop and go.”
“That’s bullshit,” Tim said, “I had to drag her away from Carmen.”
Was Captain Kirby blushing? I hugged her and pushed the bangs out of her eyes.
“We had a moment,” she said.
“Or three,” Tim said.
“Are you going back to Nashville?” I asked.
“Isak told us you were downstairs,” Kirby said, avoiding the question. “He’s a cool dude.”
Raymond had been circling me. I tried to avoid looking at him. “Sometheeg is different, vrai? Do you see it?” he said to Tim. “You have taken a lover, no?”
“I had a growth spurt,” I said.
“Oui?” He squinted at me. “Yes, that is it! You are taller.”
Tim held up a CD. “We nailed it, Mercy. Hole in the Sky. We rock!”
“How did you know where I was?” I asked him.
“I called Raymond,” Tim said.
Right. I had forgotten they were buds.
“They’re in freaked-out mode getting ready for the tour,” Tim said. “Righteous Anger. Isn’t that a cool name? A gofer borrowed Isak’s jeep. They’re already ferrying stuff to the Center to set up. Kirby loaned them the van. They have a tractor trailer full of equipment too. It’s awesome. The Griffin asked Raymond to bring Isak home and we hitched a ride.”
So he knows I’m here and can’t even take a break to come see me. Probably because Marjewel didn’t tell him he had to.
“We open tomorrow night,” Raymond said.
“But after that, we got to get back to Milltown,” Captain Kirby said.
“Milltown? Didn’t we just escape?” I said. “What happened to ‘Milltown is not an option’?”
“I talked to my mom yesterday,” Captain Kirby said.
I braced myself. Like had Mrs. Kirby burned down the house?
“And?”
“Your mom’s trial is set for next week. Not trial. She pleaded guilty and they’re going to sentence her.”
“It’s all over the net again,” Tim said. “It’s a circus.”
“You’ll probably want to be there,” Captain Kirby said.
How I spent my summer vacation. I waited for my stomach to start spazzing and when it didn’t I realized that I wasn’t feeling forgiving exactly, but I didn’t feel resentful either. I just felt really sad that Jane had gotten herself into a mess she finally couldn’t ignore her way out of. I couldn’t fix it, but I could show up.
“Yeah,” I said. “I probably do.”
Chapter 58
Sometimes you get so pissed that you can’t stay angry or you’ll burst. Maybe that’s what had happened with Marjewel. Or maybe she was waiting to see if what she said had gotten through to me because she said that me and Captain Kirby and Tim could stay until after the concert. But then, she told Tim, “I’ve having the house painted so you’ll all have to leave right away.” Which was totally lame-o because the house looked as detailed as she did.
Isak reported that The Griffin could hardly button his chaps and was so out of breath after an hour that he was working double sessions with his trainer and dietician to get him into as good shape as was possible in less than 24 hours—“or it’s Spanx,” Isak said and laughed.
“That’s why he couldn’t come home to see you,” Isak told me. I knew it was bullshit, that Isak was playing older brother, but it made me like him even more.
Isak shooed us aside and moved deliberately around the studio, packing stuff in a padded aluminum case. Then he said the studio was all ours. He was spending the final 24 hours in town with The Griffin, Raymond and Bang.
Tim was blown away by Isak’s set-up. He put his demo of Hole in the Sky in the CD player.
“I can’t believe how good it sounds, better than it did in Nashville.”
“It sounds great,” I said.
“I know.”
Tim appeared thoughtful, like he was hoping I would say I’d give the demo to The Griffin. He couldn’t know that The Griffin had bragged on him to Isak and had taught Isak the basics of Hole in the Sky and that Isak had sprung them on me. The truth was Tim probably had more pull with The Griffin than I did.
“Why don’t you give it to Raymond? He’s already a fan of yours.”
“Yeah, I know,” Tim smiled. “Actually, he already heard it and he likes it. Anyway, he told me he’s thinking of leaving the band. We already talked to Bilbo. Actually, I introduced them.” Tim seemed really pleased with himself. “Bilbo’s flying down to talk to Raymond about representing him.”
“What?”
“Yeah. Since Isak joined them Raymond says it’s not fun anymore. The Griffin is working solos in for Isak like he’s a better guitar player and he isn’t. Raymond’s the best, but it’s The Griffin’s call not Raymond’s because The Griffin writes the songs.”
Tell me about it.
“Does The Griffin know?”
“Raymond told me he’s been thinking about leaving to start his own thing for a while. I think he wants me to come with him.”
I nodded, trying to comprehend what this meant for everyone. Raymond had a whole fan base of his own separate from The Griffin. Music blogs were always talking about Raymond as one of the great all-time guitarists and his following would undoubtedly go wherever he was.
“You can join us if you want, I’m pretty sure,” Tim said. “Raymond really likes you.”
I didn’t feel like arguing about whether or not Raymond liked me, but joining a group with Raymond as the leader was the last thing in the world I would do especially since they were both going to be under contract to Bilbo. More importantly,
now that I had written Mercy…Me! I didn’t want to play someone else’s songs. I wanted to get to work writing my own.
“We can talk about it later,” I said.
Tim grabbed my hand and forced me to look at him. “Mercy, if I go, what’s going to happen to us?”
I said, “I don’t know,” but I actually did.
“I have to take advantage of this thing with Raymond. I mean, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
He had said that about Have Mercy and me not so long ago.
“I think you need to go where this leads you. You know what Captain Kirby says about going through doors when they open.”
“I still want there to be us, Mercy.”
I was almost sixteen now and I suspected that the chance of me and Tim being an “us” would disappear once he went on the road with Raymond.
“Are you gonna finish school?” I asked.
“I’m not sure my dad would even let me back in the house. He hung up on me when I called him yesterday.”
I wanted to ask him how he felt about Clarisse, but restrained myself. “Let’s just get ready for the concert and not even think about…things…until it’s over. Okay?”
“Yes, that’s great, but look, Mercy,” Tim said, “About the concert. I think Raymond is going to ask The Griffin to let me do Hole in the Sky.”
“What makes you think that?”
“He kind of said he would.”
“On stage?”
“If you mind, I won’t do it, I swear.”
My dream had always been to be at a Griffin concert, get the nod, and have him pull me up on stage to sing with him. Now it was going to happen, the dream was coming true, but I wasn’t in it.
I felt my throat get tight and I forced myself to ask, “Does The Griffin know?”
“Actually, he thought it was a great idea. Bilbo called him. He’s my manager now, you know. Raymond played the demo for him. He loves the song.”
“He took time out to hear the demo?”
“So, is it okay?”
If you couldn’t make someone love you, you certainly couldn’t convince them you were talented if they didn’t think so in the first place. Like, I had to let go of the idea that I would ever be anything to The Griffin but his “funny little kid.”
“It’s okay, Tim. I wouldn’t have come this far without you, you know that don’t you?”
“I couldn’t do it if it made you mad.”
Yes, you could.
“I wouldn’t be here at all if I wasn’t in Have Mercy.”
I had wondered back in Milltown whether Tim cared for me because I was me or because I was The Griffin’s daughter. He had made me think it was me. But now it didn’t seem to matter if I had been wrong. It only mattered that he was leaving. I was going to really really miss him.
“I want you to do it, Tim. I really do. Of course, I do.” I forced a smile. “I’m glad I’m going to be here to see it. On stage? With The Griffin? No one deserves it more.”
“I’m glad you’re my friend, Mercy.”
“Friends of course,” I said, “Always!” It sounded an awful, like being The Griffin’s “favorite girl.”
“Oh, hey, by the way,” he said, really excited. “Clarisse and Bilbo are both coming down for the concert. It’s like my first paid gig and Bilbo wants to check it out.”
“Naturally.”
Chapter 59
I was so exhausted, I slept the entire next day until three o’clock in the afternoon when I was awakened by women’s laughter coming from the kitchen. Marjewel was teaching Captain Kirby Spanish.
“No, no, no, Janet, that’s not how you pronounce it. Not moo-jar! Like this: moo-hair. Moo-hair. Say Moo and Hair”
Captain Kirby puckered her mouth and said it over and over. “Moo-hair, moo-hair, moo-hair.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Mujer means woman,” Marjewel said, glancing at me. Now that she had a definite date
when I was leaving she seemed willing to accept my presence. She even smiled at me when I parked myself on a stool at the island.
“Janet is fixing something to eat before the concert,” Marjewel said. “This is scrumptious, Janet.” She held up a piece of goat cheese wrapped in arugula and handed it to me.
“Splendiferous,” I said.
“We had a cook growing up so I never learned how,” Marjewel said. “She would throw me out of the kitchen when I wanted to watch. But Maria comes in twice a week so Isak doesn’t starve.”
“What do you mean you had a cook?” I asked.
Captain Kirby gave me one of her come-on-already looks. “She doesn’t mean she had a restaurant, Mercy.”
Marjewel laughed. “My father was very wealthy,” she said. “My mother was very spoiled. Me, too.”
It didn’t seem fair that Marjewel grew up with a cook and a father who spoiled her while Jane grew up with Granny O’Reilly. For that matter, it didn’t seem fair that Isak had a mother who worried about him starving to death while my own mother paid so little attention to the stove she never noticed that the clock on it was six hours off.
“The bus will pick us up at seven then go to the studio and pick up the band,” Marjewel said. “Can you mujeres be ready?”
“The bus is picking us up? The band bus?”
“The Griffin thinks it’s muy dramatico to enter with an entourage,” Marjewel said. “Muy means very, Janet. The vowels are everything in Spanish. If you get those right people forgive the consonants. I am sure there are courses on the internet. Ask Isak. He will know. You have a very cute accent. Carmen will find it muy adorable.”
Captain Kirby had certainly charmed Marjewel into thinking she was muy adorable.
“Hey,” Captain Kirby asked me, “Are you going to put something cool on for the concert?”
“Isn’t this cool?” I asked, pinching the sides of my dirty jeans and curtseying. “Since it’s formal, I might put my bra on. How about you?”
Captain Kirby looked down at her black chinos and black tee shirt. “I want to stay in character. I think it’s important for your brand to have a consistent look.”
“So you’re a brand now?”
“Did I say brand? I meant band.”
Captain Kirby was on the exit ramp, on her way to another adventure. I could see her tail lights. We would have school together next year, but things would never be the same. Captain Kirby was right: you can never go back. Maybe I would have to start having my own adventures.
“I can loan you girls some clothes, if you want,” Marjewel said.
We checked out her silk shirts and designer jeans and high-heeled sandals—they were in a walk-in closet that was as big as my bedroom—and said, “No!” at the same time.
“Thank you, though,” Captain Kirby said. “Ma’m.”
“Suit yourselves. Seven o’clock,” Marjewel said, shooing us out of her closet. “At least make yourself presentable. You look awful. Use the bathroom off the kitchen. Just make sure you leave things as you found them.” She forced herself to give me a little nod and the teensiest of smiles.
The bathroom was like a spa. We showered and put on some clean clothes before heading back to the kitchen to finish off the rest of the food that Kirby made.
“She’s not so bad,” Captain Kirby said, “For a step-mother.”
“I suppose you’ve had worse?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Everything that happens to me, you’ve already gone through it. It’s kind of boring.”
“Is that how I sound?” Kirby actually looked hurt. I’d never seen her be anything but cool before. Being in love was making her sensitive.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that Marjewel doesn’t consider me a step-child. She considers me an accident.”
Captain Kirby gathered up the dirty dishes and put them in the sink. I started washing them. Just like home.
“You know, Mercy, I’m gonna check this thing out with Carmen
. See if I, if we, can make it stick.”
I held a dish up for inspection. “The prep is as important as the cooking, right?’
“Like, how many times do you find love in a lifetime?” Kirby asked.
“You haven’t had a lifetime yet. You’re only seventeen,” I said.
“Almost eighteen.”
“Do you think it’s possible to find the someone who’s going to be right for you forever at eighteen? What if at twenty someone better comes along?” I asked her.
“The odds are that someone else will come along. If not for you, for your partner. I don’t really know. All I know is, I never felt like this before and I have to see where it goes.”
“People change,” I said, thinking of Tim. Was I in love with him? He had changed. How would he feel when he saw that I had changed?
“What if you finish growing up and you’re so changed that Carmen doesn’t like what you’ve become?”
“I’ll deal with that when it happens. But, hey! You never know, maybe me and Carmen will be one of those couples who stay together forever.”
“You never know,” I said.
“I have a very strong loyalty streak in me.”
“I know, Captain Kirby.”
“And anyway, wherever this takes me it’s not like you and I won’t be friends anymore. We’ll always be friends. And school next year.” She laughed her low “hehehehe” laugh.