by Xavier Neal
My mouth twitches with the urge to say something, but the truth is I have no idea what I can say. Nothing will make the hell he was going through better. Nothing can undo the pain he’s suffered. If he just lets his guard down a little more, maybe I can at least ease the lingering pain.
“We fought that night because she needed to get out of the house. She needed to get away from the kids and I told her I just…I just needed a couple hours for work. She swore she’d stay home, but she didn’t. She had one of the neighbors come over to watch the kids while she ‘ran an errand’. She went to pick up the divorce papers she had a lawyer from the cult draft for her. On the way back….just a couple blocks around the corner… she was T-boned by a teenager who wasn’t paying attention while texting and driving.”
Everyone who knew Beth had heard she died in a car crash, but I never knew the details. It was just one of those things you hear, but don’t dive too deep into.
“And while my wife, the mother of my children, was losing her life, I thought it would be a good time to fuck an escort.” The shame shakes his tone. “I went over there to do my job. That’s it. But…she started talking to me like she knew I hadn’t had sex in over a year…like she knew my wife had given up on our marriage. Like she knew I should’ve given up too. I later learned that’s one of the skills it takes to be a great escort. Knowing how to read a situation.” He doesn’t look away. “After I was done installing everything, we…”
The first thought I have leaps off my tongue. “Did you pay her?”
“No!” Holden shakes his head profusely. “Fuck no. It was…she wasn’t ‘on the clock’. She wasn’t being Kandi. She was being Kourtney. The Kansas girl who ended up very far from home and doing things she never thought she would’ve for prices she couldn’t even believe.”
Silence settles momentarily between us.
Still unsure of what to say, now for a different reason, I fold my hands in my lap and wait for him to continue.
“I had a moment of weakness and cheated on my wife, Meena. I was on my way home when I got the call…I never got to apologize for making a mistake. I’ve never forgiven myself for it either. I don’t think I deserve forgiveness. I betrayed her. I betrayed my kids. I…” the sentence falls and so does his expression.
“You can’t hate yourself forever,” I quietly scold. “People make mistakes, Holden. We’re human. And while I’m not going to justify you sleeping with someone else, I’m not going to pretend you’re the world’s biggest asshole because you did. And it’s not like you knew she was dying while you were having sex or went out looking to get laid that night.”
His head falls forward.
“You’re going to have to forgive yourself and accept the fact it’s okay to be happy, Holden. Something….might I add without looking like a complete bitch, you weren’t with Beth.”
He lifts his eyes back to mine, which is when I hold a hand out for him to join me on the bed. When he drops down beside me, he confesses, “Yesterday…looking into her father’s eyes was like looking into hers and I don’t know…I just…snapped. Protected our relationship the same way I had for years despite how unhappy we truly were. Keeping Beth’s perfect persona feels like appropriate penance for what I did. Nevertheless, I swear, Meena, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
My fingers float to his. “I believe you…”
The first hopeful look of the conversation appears. “Yeah?”
“Si.” His spirits noticeably shift, which is when I add, “But the truth is you did.”
He lets his shoulder fall again as he nods.
“Joanne thinks-”
“Your child therapist friend?”
I tilt my head in question. “Did you look her up?”
Holden gives me a small smile. “Actually, no. I’ve just been paying attention when you talk. For some reason I never felt the need to go diving for more information than that.”
Pride pushes my shoulders back.
Looks like I’m rubbing off on him more than he realizes.
“Joanne suggested that you do something with me that you would’ve never done with her.”
His forehead crinkles. “Like what?”
“I don’t know. Something. She says by doing so it may trigger you to embrace the difference. To accept that I’m not Beth, to accept that it is okay that I’m not her, and to finally move forward.”
He slowly nods.
“She also said the more unique, the bigger the impact it’ll make.”
Holden squeezes my hand. “I’ll think of something for us. I’ll figure out a way to defrag my mental hard disk, I swear. In the meantime…can you accept my apology and not give up on me yet? On us?”
Instinctively, I reply, “You can respire, mi Corazon. I’m not ready to give up.”
“Good.” He lets out a soft sigh and leans his face close to mine. “Because I do love you and losing you isn’t an option on the menu screen.”
Enraptured not only by hearing him say it back, but declare letting me leave isn’t what he wants, I mount his lips without further apprehension. Holden groans at the impact and wraps a hand firmly around the nape of my neck. In one swift motion, I’m straddling his lap and our lips are parted. Our tongues are tangling.
Unfortunately, the feeling of our heartbeats knocking against one another is cut short by the pounding on my bedroom door. “Hey! I didn’t come all the way over here to eat migas alone!”
Wyatt’s complaint pulls our lips apart.
Holden plants a kiss on my shoulder before yelling in return. “Busy, asshole!”
I snicker and slide myself out of my boyfriend’s lap, receiving a pout in the process. “Come on, birthday boy. Let’s go celebrate with your bro.”
“But-”
“We’ll celebrate the other way later.”
He sulks, but links his hand with mine.
When we open the door Wyatt offers us both a wide, award winning grin. “They’re even better than they used to be when I would make them half hung over in college.”
We lightly chuckle and follow him back towards the kitchen.
Holden’s birthday may have started off a little rocky, but I have a feeling the rest of it will be filled with many smiles similar to the one his best friend just flashed.
I drop down onto the couch beside Meena. “Wyatt, what the fuck are those?”
“What the fuck do they look like?” He says between laughs. “Gummy bears, bro!”
His answer causes me to shake my head. “What are they for?”
“What the hell do you mean what are they for?” Wyatt picks one up and tosses it into his mouth before mouthing off in Spanish. “Comer!”
My arms drape around Meena’s shoulder at the same time she retorts. “Por qué?”
“Yeah,” I echo. “Why did you bring gummy bears for us to eat?”
“Ah…” The grin on his face reaches obnoxious levels. “They’re not just regular Gummy Bears. These are vodka soaked.”
“Is that why they look bloated?” Ainsley questions from where she’s sitting in Nate’s lap, on the opposite end of the couch.
Excitedly, he nods. “These things taste fucking amazing.”
“What the hell was wrong with just a bottle of vodka?” Nate asks.
“Exactly.” I point to him in agreement while continuing to stare at Wyatt who is sitting on the floor space beside the coffee table.
“This is more fun!” Wyatt says, laughing again. “Besides, I didn’t know when the kids would be back and this shit blends in better with the surroundings than bottles would. I mean seriously look around this place. It’s like Toys ‘R Us meets Summer Camp. Even the bizarre combination of carved pumpkins on your door step clearly indicates there are kids inside this place.”
“Fuck you.”
“Tenemos dos niños en esta casa.” Meena defends promptly. “It looks exactly how it should all things considered. And don’t talk shit about those pumpkins! We worked really hard on them. Do you h
ave any idea how hard it is to carve that fucking Xbox symbol?”
“We?” Wyatt questions with a tilt of his head. He gives the two of us a long stare, drinking in my hand stroking her shoulder, her hand lovingly settled on my thigh, and our bodies wedge tightly together. With another cocky smirk, he states, “No tienes ni idea de lo feliz que me hace oírte decir la palabra.”
She tries not to blush. “Me too.”
“You guys sound so sexy when you speak Spanish,” Ainsley coos, with a dreamy look.
Nate grouses, “Confusing. They sound confusing when they speak Spanish.”
“Should’ve paid more attention when I tried to teach you,” Wyatt scolds, shoving another piece of candy in his mouth.
“You couldn’t teach yourself to breathe while eating pussy, why would we let you teach us anything?” I playfully snap, getting a laugh from Nate.
Wyatt flashes us each his middle finger seconds before Meena slips out of my grip to crawl to the other end of the couch. She lifts herself up onto her knees, whispers something in Ainsley’s ear, and then retreats back to me. An obvious blush hits Ainsley’s cheeks and three of us grow similar curious expressions.
“What just happened?”
Meena ignores my question.
“Kid, you okay?” The hint of concern in Nate’s voice is equally apparent.
“What did you just say to her?” I ask with a little more force.
“You’ll see,” my girlfriend nonchalantly hums. “In the meantime, can we get to eating those things or do you have a specific set of rules for that?”
Adjusting himself, Wyatt bends his legs so his arms rest on top of his knees. “I’m open to ideas.”
“Like a game?” Ainsley asks. “Like a drinking game?”
“What kinda fucking game do you play with Gummy Bears?” I bite.
“Poker?” Nate poorly tosses out.
“Yeah, but then no one is eating the candy,” Wyatt sighs.
“Well whose fucking fault is it you brought candy!” Nate grumps.
“I have an idea,” Meena says, sliding out of my grip again.
Instinctively, I groan at the separation.
Almost instantly, both sets of eyes from my bros dart to me.
I don’t bother denying my overprotective nature. I almost fucking lost her for something stupid I said. As far as I’m concerned groveling and looking pussy whipped are things that fall in my favor proving to Meena I do love her.
I do want to be with her.
That I do recognize that she is not Beth.
That I was hitting one consciously because she’s better.
Fuck, she’s so much better.
When Meena arrives back with a game in her hands, I scoot to the edge of the couch, and try to redirect the attention away from me. “Really?”
“Si.” She smirks widely. “Simple rules. Whoever eats the most amount of marbles doesn’t have to eat any gummy bears, everyone else has to eat the amount the winner collected in the form of gummy bears.”
“Are we really gonna do this?” I let out a deep sigh. “Are we really gonna taint a child’s game like this?”
“Wyatt already touched it so we’re past that point,” Nate chuckles and the rest of us join in.
“Am I the fucking piñata of this party?” He grumps.
With mirth in my voice, I counter, “You’d fuck a piñata,”
We laugh again, but he argues, “Nah, but Pax would.”
“Where the hell is Pax?” Nate asks as him and Ainsley move towards the coffee table where Meena is setting up the game.
I shrug. “He said he’d be here. He said he’d be on time…”
“And you didn’t use your CIA spy shit to track his phone and see exactly where he is?” Nate’s retort receives laughter from everyone else.
“Wait…Can you really do that?” Ainsley cautiously questions. “I mean, I know you can do….things, but can you really track us?”
Cockily, I state, “I can and I do.”
“So creepy.” She shudders and scoots in closer to Nate.
“It can be,” Nate agrees.
“I find it flattering,” Wyatt jokingly says. “Do you have any idea how many hot chicks he’s seen me bang from across the country?”
Meena shoots me a puzzled look. “Have you really?”
“Not on purpose.” After a short pause, I add, “Except for when I caught him fucking this supermodel. I did watch that for fun.”
Wyatt lets out a deep chuckle, “Yeah you did.”
We fist bump, but the women shake their heads.
For the most part, like everything else, I hack responsibly. There have been a few exceptions. Watching Wyatt convince a Sports Illustrated Super Model to roll his balls around her mouth like two swollen cherries was definitely one.
Ainsley brings us back to the game. “There are only four hippos.”
“Winner takes a turn stepping out.” Meena casually answers. “They act as a referee.”
Wyatt volunteers, “I’ll sit out the first round. I already know how good the candy tastes.”
The four of us position ourselves around the coffee table to man a hippo.
With my hand on the lever to the green one, I sigh, “When did shit come to this? When did we stop doing body shots off women in leather shorts for my birthdays and start getting fucked up on candy while playing with kid’s toys?”
“The year Sage was born,” Nate promptly answers.
“Be thankful we’re doing anything with liquor,” Wyatt fusses. “Most years your kids are around and I can’t get a buzz because I don’t wanna be the drunk uncle who fucks around and tells them there’s no Santa Claus.”
We collectively chuckle again and he declares to start.
Within seconds the entire living room echoes with more laughter, chomping noises, and unneeded shouts of profanity. The first round goes quick, declaring Meena the victor forcing the rest of us to toss back several of the gummy treats. To my surprise there’s quite an unexpected kick. After three more rounds, all of which I lose again, I begin to get the feeling these things are going to get us buzzed faster than we predicted.
Between aggressive taunting and playful motions to prevent one another from winning, the five of us finish half the bowl of candy faster than expected, making me even more grateful for the homemade pizza we had for an early dinner before we started. Wyatt clears the dish, announcing he’s got Jell-O shots and beer, asking who wants what.
I make my request for a beer and lean back against the edge of couch from the floor space I’m occupying. The small buzz is welcomed as well as appreciated. It’s been awhile since I laughed this hard.
This much.
This freely…
It’s been even longer since my birthday felt like something worth celebrating.
Since it was a day filled with me hitting 1s rather than 0s.
“How’d you get so damn good at that game?” Ainsley asks Meena at the same time she wiggles herself between Nate’s parted thighs.
“Practice,” my girlfriend insists, pressing her back against my front, taking on the same position as Ainsley. “Sage and Lynk are really competitive. You should see them when we play Mario Kart.”
I try not to groan at her ass brushing against my cock.
Fuck, I need everyone to crash so I can do the one thing for my birthday I’ve been waiting to do. Had I not been a dick and lost my tongue yesterday I could’ve done it at least twice this morning before Wyatt busted in with breakfast shit.
“Wonder where they get that shit from,” Wyatt pokes, passing out opened glass bottled beers to everyone. Once we’ve all got one, he raises his into the air. “We’ve had breakfast. We’ve had dinner. We’re working on dessert…” He cuts a glance at my hand that is making its way up the inside of Meena’s jean covered thigh. “But before we get to the point where we get too drunk to remember what we’re celebrating, how about we give our toast to the birthday bro.”
Their glass bo
ttles lift in the air just as Pax enters the room. “You couldn’t fuckin’ wait?”
“Hey!” Nate greets him with a warm nod and Ainsley echoes it.
Wyatt grouses, “You’re interrupting my legendary speech, bro.”
“You don’t make legendary speeches unless you’ve stuck your spoon in the wrong pot and are trying to avoid getting choked out.”