by Lindsay Becs
“Marry me,” he says, his hands moving to cup my face. “Marry me, Moon. Make me the happiest man on earth. I promise to always brighten your darkness like you always light up mine. Marry me.”
“Yes!” I yell, and his mouth instantly presses to mine. “Yes, yes, yes,” I keep repeating into our kiss.
Dr. Greer clears her throat, pulling us from our bubble once more. We stop kissing, but I sink into Endy’s side when he wraps his arm around me. A giggle erupts from me when I look up and see the tears in Dr. Greer’s eyes.
“Oh hell!” she says, throwing the files and papers that were in her hands behind her. “Congratulations to you both. I can honestly say that I’m happy for you. You have both come so far, and I feel so honored to have been a part of your journeys in self-healing and toward each other again.”
“This wouldn’t have happened without you,” Endy tells her.
“I don’t know about that. But perhaps it happened in a better way that made you both ready and your best selves for one another.” She stops and smiles at us. “You still have a long road ahead of you, but I promise I’ll always be here in your corner.”
“Thank you, Dr. Greer. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”
“I only did my job, Selene. You did the hard part.” She looks to Endy next. “You both did.”
We spend the remainder of our time with Dr. Greer talking about what our future looks like. The fears, hopes, struggles we both still have. Without saying so, I know this will not be the last time Endy and I sit with Dr. Greer. I’m sure this is only the first of many to come, but it’s a good start. Everything is falling into place, and we’re figuring it out and have one of our biggest allies behind us. That alone makes me feel like we can conquer anything.
Endy and I leave feeling high on life, in love with each other and ready to take on the world. But first we have to take on my parents, and we both know that’s not going to be an easy feat.
We decide to rip off the Band-Aid. Once we leave Dr. Greer’s office, I call my parents to let them know I’m coming to see them and bringing a friend. My mother, ever the planner, isn’t thrilled about my impromptu visit but says she’ll have dinner for us when we arrive.
On the drive there, Endy and I discuss how we want to talk to them. How much to share about the past, telling them about our new engagement and how we’re going to be starting a life together, no matter what. By the time we pull into the driveway, we feel like a team, a force that can’t be shaken.
Hand in hand, we walk to the door and ring the doorbell. Endy gives my hand a squeeze when we hear footsteps approaching the door. It’s now or never, right? No matter what, it’s just us. Nothing is going to tear us apart again.
“Sel—” My dad starts but cuts himself short when he sees Endy next to me, his eyes traveling to where our hands are joined. I don’t miss the small frown that forms on his face.
“Dad? Can we come in?” I nervously ask, half expecting him to say no.
“Yes, of course.” He tries to recover. “It’s good to see you again, Tavin.”
“Thank you, Mr. George,” Endy replies as we walk inside. My dad ushers us straight to the dining room where my mother is pouring wine into four glasses.
“Dear?” my father starts, trying to get my mother’s attention. “Selly and Tavin are here.”
“What?!” my mother balks, turning to face us and nearly knocking over a glass of red. “How dare you enter our home again!”
“Mother. Please? Just hear us out.”
“Selene, this is very inappropriate.”
“Except it’s not. He’s going to be my husband.” Band-Aid, right? Next to me, Endy tries to smother a laugh at my sudden declaration. “We’re engaged. Now, would you like to sit and discuss it as adults and have us be part of your life? Or would you rather us leave and not return? It’s up to you, Mother, where this goes from here.”
Did that really just come out of my mouth? Did I just stand up to my mother? Holy shit! Where did this girl come from? Oh, right. She came along about the same time Endy did.
“Melanie, I think we should hear them out, don’t you?” my father asks attentively, eyes on my mother waiting for her next outburst.
“Fine. Sit. Eat. Talk,” she says, throwing herself into a chair and gulping down an entire glass of wine before the rest of us are seated. Well, this is going to be interesting. I’ve never seen my mother so unhinged. It’s laughable, really. I guess I bring out the best in everyone around me.
We all sit, pass the dishes of pasta, salad, and bread around and eat in silence for what seems like forever. My mother is on glass number four of wine, and I’m not quite sure how things will go once we actually start talking. I’m not expecting the first thing she says at all. Rocking my whole world on its axis.
“Is he the one that knocked you up?” my mother asks, sitting back as she gulps the last of the red in her glass.
“Melanie!” my father scolds.
“What?” Endy and I ask in unison.
“Oh, Philip, she’d find out in five years anyway. Might as well let them go into happy matrimony with all the facts. Did you know?” She raises a brow toward Endy, who’s looking at her, his face as pale as I feel.
“I don’t… What?” he stammers.
“Dad, what is she talking about?” I look at my plate, not able to look anyone in the face. “I don’t understand.”
He takes a breath, then reaches out and takes my hand, drawing my eyes to his sorrow-filled ones. “Selly, when you were found, you were pregnant. You were about five months along. It was part of why we kept you sedated for as long as we did. Yes, you were volatile and tried to hurt yourself, but we also didn’t think you’d be able to process the delivery of a baby.”
“Oh my…”
Words. They are gone. I don’t know what to say. What to feel. What to think. I feel like I am bleeding out and ready faint.
“Moon?” Endy. I look at him and see him breaking before I close my eyes and shut down.
21
Endy
“When you were found, you were pregnant.” I heard her father say it before I couldn’t hear anything more. My ears filled with buzzing, and I felt like I was under water. Everything around me faded as I thought about those words.
She. Was. Pregnant.
She’d had a baby—his baby—inside of her.
She is a mother.
Oh shit. I had a half-sibling. Whose mother is going to be my wife.
How fucked up is that?
No. Never mind. That is the essence of my life.
One. Giant. Clusterfuck.
I just now feel like I’m getting my life back, getting her back, and then all my happiness gets thrown in a blender.
My anger starts to grow, waking me out of the fog I am in.
I look at Moon then. She’s white as snow, eyes wild. Is she alright?
“Moon?” I ask concerned. She looks at me then, her eyes softening with her smile before she closes her eyes and collapses in her chair.
“Moon!” I yell, pushing back from the table, my chair falling backward to the floor. None of the earlier thoughts matter anymore. I pull her from her chair and cradle her in my arms, carrying her outside to get some air. Her parents are on my heels, yelling at me, but I don’t hear what they’re saying; it’s all background noise. I sit on the ground with her in my lap, smoothing her blonde hair away from her face.
“Moon, open your eyes for me.” I kiss her forehead, then rest my head to hers. “Open your eyes. I need those eyes to light up my darkness. I don’t need anything but you. None of it matters. It’s just us, remember? I’m here. I’m not leaving. We’re in this together. Open your eyes, please?” I plead with her as we sit under a blanket of darkness.
I look up into the sky and see the moon is a small sliver of a crescent. I feel tears fall down my cheeks. I can’t lose her; I just got her back. I plead with the moon, the stars, the gods and goddesses, the stories that filled us and let
us run away from our nightmares to bring her back to me. They can’t have her yet.
“I love you to the moon and stars and so much further beyond,” I whisper into her ear and kiss her again.
“I love you, too.” Her small voice surprises me.
“Yeah?” I ask, wiping my eyes against my shoulders, not wanting my hands to leave her.
“Yeah.” She cups my cheek with her hand. “I guess I was shocked.”
I cough a laugh, pulling her tighter into me. “I thought I was going to lose you again.”
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” She smiles. “On the moon and stars, Endy. You’re all I need and all that matters.”
I kiss her. I kiss her hard, needing to feel as close to her as possible in this moment.
“Selene?” her father starts. “Are you alright, sweetheart?”
“I’m OK. Just a little surprised. Can we go back inside and talk?” she asks, looking at me.
“Of course,” her father says while I nod and give her a smile and another quick peck. “I sent your mother to bed,” her father adds when we walk back inside. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions. I’m happy to answer any of them.”
We all take a seat in the living room, much like the first time I was in her house meeting her parents. I take Moon’s hand in mine and pull her close to me, wanting to shield her from any hurt that might still come. I want to protect her in any way I can, but I’m not sure if I’m able to right now.
“Let me tell you now, Mr. George, that Selene and I were never, uh, intimate, like that,” I tell her father. “Before,” I add, chancing a look down and seeing that Moon’s cheeks are red, and it makes me chuckle a little.
“I’m not sure if that makes me happy or sad, to be truly honest. But thank you for telling me.” I give him a curt nod in acceptance. “Selly, what would you like to know?”
“I’m not sure where to start.” She pauses and begins to pull imaginary fuzz from her shirt. “Did the baby live?”
“Yes,” he answers simply, and it almost makes me angry for her that he doesn’t offer more.
“Did you see the baby? Know if it was a boy or girl?”
“I did. Your mother didn’t want to, but I did. It was a girl.” He tries to fight a grin pulling on his face. “She looked just like you,” he says in a whisper.
Moon’s hand flies to her mouth to smother her cry. I shift, pulling my hand from hers to put my arm around her, then taking her hand back in my other one. She buries her face into my chest as I hold her close, giving her all the comfort that I can while trying to keep myself together for her.
“What happened to her?” she asks softly when her cries slow.
I look to her father, wanting to know the answer myself. His eyes are red and full of tears. “She was adopted. We made it a private, closed adoption so that the details wouldn’t be shared and wouldn’t hinder her life. When she’s eighteen, if she chooses, she can request your information to find you and reach out. We left it so you cannot. I’m sorry, Selene. At the time I thought it a wise choice, but now I’m not so sure.”
“It’s alright. You wanted to protect her. I’m glad you did. I’d never want anything bad to come to her. Never.” She seems so sad and broken. I pull her closer to me and kiss her on the head.
“I hope you know that we didn’t tell you because we thought we were protecting you, too, Selly. We… I never meant to hurt you, either. I hope you know that.”
“I do,” she says, sounding distant as she lets it all soak in. “Endy?” She tilts her head to look at me. “Do you have any questions?” My pinched brows must give me away. She adds, “About the baby. Is there anything you’d like to know?”
I clear my throat and shift a bit thinking about that. Did I? Did I have any questions? Yep. A whole fucking lot of them actually. Like, how could I not have known? How did this happen? What if she wants to find Moon one day? How will that affect us?
“You said that the baby was alive.” Her father nods. “But was she healthy? Was she adopted right away?”
“As far as I know, yes. To both. I didn’t get to meet the couple who adopted her, but I saw them from a distance at the hospital accidentally. They were looking through the window at her at the same time I was. I was saying goodbye to her, and they were excited to be saying hello.”
“I can’t believe this. I’m still in shock.” Moon sniffs.
“I’m sure you are,” her mother says from the doorway. I tense and turn to look at this woman who I’ll never understand. Moon squeezes my hand to assure me she’s alright, and when I see the tears filling her mother’s eyes, I soften a little.
“I’m sorry. I never should have told you, let alone like that, Selene. I’m so sorry.” Her mother gushes as she sits on the other side of Moon, taking her free hand. “I’ve been awful, to both of you.”
“Yep.” I agree, getting scolded by Moon when she says my name.
“He’s right. And he has every right to hate me. It’s going to take time for me to get used to…” She motions between us. “This. But I’m willing to try. Your father told me I needed to try before I lost you again. I can’t lose you again. You’re my baby, Selene. I love you, even when I’m being unreasonable. Can we start again?”
“That’s all I ever wanted. For you to want to get to know me.”
Moon and her mother hug and cry and seem to work out a lot of pent-up anger and resentment and hurt. I’m grateful that they do. Her father and I sit back silently and let them have that long-overdue time together to be real with one another.
Later that night, I curl around Moon in bed and tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her. Neither of us mentions the baby. It seems like a heavy weight between us, but we aren’t ready to discuss it together yet. We are both too exhausted.
The next morning, we have breakfast with her parents and say our goodbyes. We have their blessing, and although they don’t fully understand us, they’re understanding enough.
Now, it’s just us.
My favorite way to be.
“Endy, look!” Moon yells, pointing out the window. “There’s a carnival! Can we stop?”
“Sure, I guess so.” I shrug.
“I’ve never been to one before.” She seems like an excited innocent child, one she never got to be, and I can’t say no to her.
I follow the signs, and we park outside the fairgrounds. The second we open the doors, the smell of fried foods and sugar hang in the air. The carnival music and lights are loud and blinking through the crowd of people everywhere. We walk hand in hand through the swarm of people. I feel claustrophobic, but I’ll gladly suffer to keep the smile and look of pure innocence on her face.
Moon holds onto me while we walk through the carnival, her face full of awe and wonder. When I spot a Ferris wheel, I decide to pull her in that direction first. I stop on the way and buy us bands for the rides and a book of tickets for games later. When we stop in front of the wheel and she smiles up at me with bright eyes, I know I made the right choice. We load into a seat when it’s our turn, and when it rocks, Moon squeals. I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s so fucking cute.
Once we reach the top, she’s clinging to me for dear life, and then I realize I never considered the fact that she could be afraid of heights. “Are you alright?” I ask her, pulling her closer to me.
“Endy, this is incredible,” she says, looking out to where you can see for miles. “It feels so free up here.”
“You’re always free to fly, Moon. Just promise to take me with you wherever you go.”
“On the moon and stars.” My fingers slide into her hair and pull her to me, sealing her promise with a kiss.
The wheel starts to turn, and she squeals into my mouth. We sit, holding each other in comfortable silence until it’s our turn to hop off.
We ride the tilt-a-whirl, the scrambler, the teacups, and the swings. We race down slides in potato sacks, fight it out in bumper cars, and run through the funhous
e. We eat cotton candy, corndogs, funnel cake, fried Oreos, French fries, and slushies until our bellies ache. When we reach the games, we figure out that neither of us is very good at any of them, but she manages to win me a goldfish and I win her the cliché giant teddy bear to take home.
The sun is starting to go down, and I notice her shiver. “You ready to head home?”
“Can we ride the Ferris wheel one more time?”
“Anything you want.”
We get on, much like last time, but with our new friends joining our cart. Moon snuggles into me, and she seems to be more relaxed as we sit on top of the wheel.
“It’s so beautiful,” she sighs, looking out into the sunset around us.
“It is. But I prefer to see the moon.”
She chuckles into my side. “You’re so cheesy.”
“I’ll show you cheesy,” I say and tickle her side. Her laughter fills the air, and I’ve never found her more perfect and beautiful than in this pure moment of bliss.
“Stop!” she yells around bursts of laughter.
I pull her back into my side and kiss the top of her head. We sit and watch the sun continue its descent as darkness hovers. The stars begin to shine one by one as the moon brightens. This is the moment when I know everything is going to be alright. We are going to be alright.
Today was the first day of my life I let go and had fun, real fun, and I think it was the same for Moon. We belly laughed until tears filled our eyes, acted like children playing games—and were just us—with no cares in the world. It was perfect.
I look over to see her passed out asleep next to me in the car, her hand still in mine. I smile to myself thinking about how lucky I am. We survived so much, together and apart. Now, we get to live for us in the now, with our future shining bright before us.
22
Moon
Little bird fly away