by Natalie Dean
Thankfully the nurse on shift recognized her and waved her on. They’d explained to Dani that normally no one was allowed to visit during after-hours, but she could come in for a little while.
Not that she’d visited often. Only four times in three weeks. That definitely wasn’t enough. But there was just so much to do on the ranch…
Her thoughts trailed off as she entered her brothers’ doorway.
No, she stayed away because seeing them like that reminded her that they were there because of her.
“Hey guys,” she murmured quietly, going over to a chair. “Sorry, it’s been a while.”
She sat down in the same chair she usually did, looking over their faces. She couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like they had fewer bandages and more pink, brand-new skin showing. Her parents had mentioned that the doctors were talking about waking them up, but they wanted to be sure they were ready to come off the ventilators first.
“You know, a lot’s been going on with me. Crazy stuff. I don’t even know if you’d believe it.” She paused, as if they would magically wake up and respond. They didn’t. Because of course not. “And, uh, I think I have a crush on someone.”
She winced after she said that, sounding so childish. If there was anything her brothers would snap awake for, it was that confession.
But, as usual, they just laid there.
“It’s silly because he’s kinda someone that I hated—well, no. Hated is the wrong word. Resented, I guess. I resented him because he had everything that I wanted and none of it seemed fair.”
That was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? She told herself that she was better than all the people who bullied her. Smarter. Kinder. More patient. That her suffering had given her a better sense of character.
But really, she was mostly just jealous. She could only dream of the kind of things and experiences Benji had, and that made her feel weak, which in turn made her lump him in with all of the others.
Huh, she really wasn’t as objective as she thought, was she?
“Guys, I wish you were here. Like, really here. I have so much to tell you.”
Then again, what was stopping her? Leaning back, she started from the beginning and went from there.
When she eventually finished some moments later, she felt a bit better, like her brain had to hear everything out loud to process it all. But still, as the silence crept in with only the sound of her brothers’ machines and their steady breathing, she couldn’t help but feel…
Alone.
She always felt so alone.
16
Benji
Benji found himself pacing in circles around his room, barefoot and in his pajama pants even though it was well past sun up.
As soon as he realized Dani had snuck out of the diner, he’d called her parents to make sure that she was all right. He had no idea where she was and was worried that something had happened to her.
But also, he didn’t want to tell her parents outright that he had kind of lost her, so he very carefully beat around the bush to ask if she had gotten inside all right.
They’d answered that she had. After a bit of a pause, they asked if something had reminded her of her brothers while they were out. He’d kind of fumbled around with that answer before they informed him that she’d headed to the hospital to visit her siblings.
He had wished them goodnight and then that was that. He’d headed home and spent the entire night staring up at his ceiling, trying to figure out what to do.
No answers had come to him then, so the next morning he resolved to just go up to her and talk it out like adults. Because that’s what they were, after all. She wasn’t some puzzle to figure out. She was a human being.
Except the next day, she stayed locked in her house, not coming out the entire day. Benji waited all the way until it was well past the time to go, and when he didn’t see so much as a glimpse of her, he had swallowed his pride and gone up to the door.
It was Mrs. Touhey who had answered, and when he had asked after her daughter, she told him that Dani wasn’t feeling well and was taking the day off.
And the next day.
After that, he had resolved to stop asking because he felt like he was being creepily persistent.
It was just… he understood why she was embarrassed. He just didn’t want her to feel that way. He wanted to tell her that he only blamed Rachel and finally understood so much of what she said.
But he couldn’t do that if she never left the haven of her house.
So that was how he ended up in his apartment, walking in circles around his living room, wondering how he could talk to her. It wasn’t even a matter of getting him a date again. He just wanted to comfort her. To tell her that he didn’t think any less of her.
She had spent so many years being bullied in that passive-aggressive way—and apparently outright aggressive—with no one to stand up for her except her brothers. He wanted her to know that she wasn’t totally alone.
He understood her.
Not completely, but enough to want to get to know her even better, if she’d let him.
“Come on, Benji,” he groused to himself, something he only did when he was feeling really stuck. “Think.”
He started pacing again.
He’d texted his brothers late the previous night that he needed the morning off from chores. It was Sunday anyway, which was the day of the week they only cared for the animals and didn’t do any serious work.
Wait… it was Sunday.
An idea came to him. It was Sunday, which definitely meant church. And when there was church, there was Keiko, and who better to talk to about Dani than the woman who he was pretty sure was her best friend?
Finally. That would be the way in. Either Keiko would help him or tell him that he needed to drop it and that would be that. And even if she told him neither, he was sure that she would be able to comfort Dani in the way only a best friend could.
Perfect.
Benji allowed himself an enthusiastic clap of his hands then strode toward his dresser, picking out Sunday clothes his Ma would approve of. With a pep in his step that he hadn’t had since the date, he headed to the main house.
Of course, it was his Ma who he saw first, standing in the middle of the foyer and smoothing her dress as she waited for Ben to finish in the kitchen—judging by the sound of the fumbling from the room.
She wasn’t alone, however. Another slender, older woman was standing across from her.
“Benji!” Ma said, face lighting up. “I don’t often see you this early on a Sunday. You remember Chastity’s mother, Mrs. Parker.”
He walked over to his Ma and placed a small kiss on the top of her head before offering his hand to the other woman. “Pleased to see you again, Mrs. Parker. I remember you from when we were younger, but even if I didn’t, Chastity talks an awful lot about you. She might be the only person I’ve met who loves their Ma as much as we do.”
The woman laughed, a faraway look in her eyes. “Is that so? What a compliment then, coming from a Miller son. And which one are you?”
“I’m Benjamin. But most people call me Benji.”
“Funny,” the woman remarked. “I would have thought that Ben was named Benjamin.”
Benji opened his mouth to tell her that she’d always known his name was Benjamin, but Ma subtly shook her head and he let it drop. If he remembered right, Mrs. Parker was still going through a lot of treatment for her sickness from the previous year.
“Anyway, Benji dear, to what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you today? Just a surprise blessing?”
He felt a bit sheepish at that. He didn’t want to tell his mother that the only reason he had gotten himself out of bed in time to go to church was for a woman, so he quickly made up a reason that let him sound less shallow.
“Oh, you know, just thought with all the arson and doom and gloom going on that maybe I should go and thank God for all he’s given us.”
Huh, was it an extra sin to
lie on the Lord’s day? He resolved to be more careful with that.
“Oh, well I do quite like the sound of that. Never take for granted what we have, lest the Lord see fit to take it away.”
“Amen.”
“There! I have all the mini-quiches!” Chastity said, rushing out of the kitchen.
She was dressed smartly in a suit jacket and pencil skirt with Ben coming up behind her wearing a matching colored outfit.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Benji said, looking over the two of them. “You two are dressing alike now?”
“They were a gift,” Chastity said, a wan smile on her face that hinted that she didn’t entirely mind her beau all suited up to match her. “We’re just going to take a few pictures in them and then never do this again.”
“Uh-huh,” Benji agreed with his own grin.
“Wait, are you coming to church with us too?” That was Ben, who looked from Ma, to Mrs. Parker to Benji and he could almost see the steam coming out of his brother’s ears as he tried to logistic it all out.
But it was the Lord’s day, so Benji could cut him a little slack. “I was hoping to, but it seems like your truck is gonna be full. How about I just follow you guys?”
Besides, that would give him some wiggle room if he needed to divert his plans. He didn’t know why he would need to do that, but he liked having the option available.
“Well, let’s get going then,” Ma said with a smile. “We need to get these to Keiko so she can put them in the fridge and write up allergy cards for them. You brought the recipes, right Chastity?”
She nodded, her dark hair bouncing, patting one of the sides of her suit. “It’s in the pocket in here. I made sure it was legible too.”
“Oh good. I can’t tell you how much fun I had baking with you two this morning. We really must do it again,” Ma said, looking from Chastity to Mrs. Parker.
“Definitely,” Mrs. Parker agreed. “It felt so fulfilling to use those recipes that I just haven’t had the energy for in years.”
There was more friendly, grateful talk as the group migrated out to Ben’s truck, but Benji slipped away to get into his own car. He normally liked that kind of stuff, but at the moment it was just reminding him of how he wished it could be with Dani.
Whoa.
That was a revelation.
Did he want something like Ben had?
Sure, he wouldn’t lie that he’d been attracted to Dani, with her sharp gaze and sharper tongue and thick thighs. But being attracted to someone, wanting to spend a date or two with them, was very different than wanting what his brother had.
What his brother had was a relationship. Maybe even a soul mate. They were together all the time and were working together to build a future. It wasn’t easy, given Chastity’s ambitions and Ben’s responsibilities, but he watched them work and work at it.
He’d always thought that all of that was far too exhausting, but as he watched the four of them pile into Ben’s extended cab truck, he couldn’t help but wonder if… maybe… that had changed for him.
Shouldn’t he know before going and pestering a woman who clearly had some stuff to work through on her own? Was he putting his needs before hers?
He sat there, thinking for several moments. He needed to treat Dani like a human being. Not an objective or barn to fix. He wasn’t going to be one of those men who chased a woman like she was some prize to be won and then placed on the mantle.
Ben began to pull the truck out of the drive, and Benji was snapped from his introspection. When had his life gotten so complicated? His biggest issue used to be juggling his brothers’ issues, but suddenly he seemed to have plenty on his own.
Oh well. He would talk to Keiko and then try to sit down and figure out exactly what he wanted.
What was the worst that could happen?
Benji wasn’t the greatest fan of sermons. Often, he felt pastors spent far too much time blustering and bloviating rather than just getting down and talking about the word. Ma said it was because he was too practical for his own good sometimes, but Benji guessed it was that when he studied the Bible, that was just what he wanted to do: study the Bible. No long songs, no other people clapping. Just him and the good book, figuring things out as he read and reread parts.
He found out he liked sermons even less when he was anxiously waiting to get to the breakfast mingling and find Keiko. Despite his family leaving plenty early, they still didn’t arrive soon enough to catch her, since she was already reading stories to kids in the nursery. Thankfully, the mini-quiches were saved as an older lady had taken them and hauled them off to the fridge.
His leg bounced for several beats, jiggling the seat as the pastor lead the closing prayer. He didn’t even realize he was doing it until Ma’s hand gently rested on his knee.
“Sorry,” he murmured.
“Nervous?” she whispered back, cracking open one of her eyes.
“No, just uh, got something to do.”
“Something here at the church?”
It took a lot of willpower not to roll his eyes. That felt extra sacrilegious considering where they were.
“Ma, you’re doing that thing.”
“What thing?”
“The thing where you ask seemingly unassuming questions to whittle out some sort of secret.”
“Oh, so you do have secrets then?”
“Ma.”
She giggled ever so lightly. “What, with what’s happened with Ben and Bart, can you blame me for wondering if my most even-keeled son finally found someone who made his heart flutter?”
“Heart flutter? That sounds like a medical issue.”
“You always did like to use humor to deflect. That’s fine. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the Touhey’s daughter.”
Benji almost choked on his own spit, giving her a wide-eyed stare. Ma just smiled like the secret super-spy that she was and closed her eyes for the prayer.
Oh right.
That was still going on.
Somehow Benji managed to stop looking at his mother like she was completely right and get through the closing of the rest of the sermon without vibrating out of his seat. But as soon as it was done, he gave Ma a kiss on her cheek and bounded out into the main foyer where the bagels, donuts, and other breakfast items waited.
Sure enough, he saw Keiko standing by the coffee station, brewing another pot as she filled one of the dispensers. She was wearing a pretty, floaty dress in pale pink. It looked nice on her, and he felt a bit underdressed all of a sudden.
Maybe if he was going to talk to her about her best friend, he should have made himself more presentable.
Oh well. It was too late to change that now. Striding over to her, he gave her what he hoped was a charming grin.
“Hello there, Keiko.”
She didn’t startle at all, just calmly finished pouring then looked to him with a kind smile. “Benji, hello. I haven’t seen you in a bit.”
Did everyone know he liked to sleep in on Sundays? “Uh yeah, I’ve been busy.”
“Helping the Touheys right?”
Right. She knew about that. “Yeah. It’s been going pretty well. Another week or so and there won’t be much more left for us to do.”
“That’s lovely to hear.”
“Uh, yeah, it is.”
Keiko’s head tilted to the side, and she gave him a curious look. “You don’t sound like you agree.”
What was with the weirdly perceptive women all around him? Did he just have his emotions written across his face way more than he ever thought?
“Actually, I was hoping maybe I could talk to you.”
“We’re talking right now.”
“Uh, in… private, maybe? Where no one could overhear?”
Keiko finally set all of the coffee stuff down and studied him for several beats. Benji couldn’t help but feel like he was being scanned, assessed, and dissected in her keen gaze.
“All right. Let’s go talk.”
She walke
d away, her low heels clicking on the floor, and Benji quickly followed. She led him all the way down the hall, around the corner and to the kitchen. As soon as the door closed behind him, she turned to Benji with a grin.
“This is about Dani, isn’t it?”
“What, is it tattooed on my forehead or something?”
“No, but I heard about a little snafu at the diner and I might have put two and two together.”
Benji grimaced at that. Of course, word about that had gotten around. No wonder Dani was hiding in her house.
“Ah, that’s unfortunate.”
“Yeah. I never thought that Rachel would stoop to those levels. She was always vicious in high school, but it never got physical. I always thought that was something to be grateful for, but it looks like it was only because Dani didn’t have anything Rachel wanted.”
“I had no idea it was going to be like that. Otherwise, I never would have taken her to a place in town.”
Keiko seemed to think for several moments before she spoke again. “I love this town. I love this church. I have found so much love in so many people.”
Well, that was nice, but what did that—
“But I’ve also found so much pain, misery, and judgment. I’ve watched people hurt my friends and each other. Fought just for the right to exist.
“It wasn’t easy moving here in middle school, the only Asian in all of our town and one of four people of color, including Chastity. Kids were cruel and adults could be ignorant, leaving me wondering if I was going to be alone.”
“That all sounds pretty bad.”
“Because it was. Very bad. But then I found Dani and her brothers in school. I found friends in theater and other clubs. I had people like Chastity to look up to. And then I found this church.” Her smile was so sweet, so contented, that Benji could see how Dani found solace in her best friend. “It was like having a safe haven. And in that safe haven, I could find the good in this town. Everything worth cherishing.”