by Natalie Dean
So he started reading the Bible. Mostly all the parts with Jesus because those were the ones Keiko liked to focus on the most. After a solid month and a half of helping her, he was pretty sure he was able to figure out why.
It was because Jesus’ teachings were all about love and forgiveness. About cherishing your fellow man and your neighbor and the evils of riches. The son of God himself hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes, not judging them, but guiding them by letting them know they were loved, they were valued. That they were worth good things.
He could see how that would bring comfort to her. Being one of maybe three Asians in a small town, and a person who struggled with mental health, couldn’t have been easy. It obviously still wasn’t easy. And so, he studied and studied, and eventually those words started to sink in.
He turned over more of his business to his board, letting them take over duties that he had been so controlling over before. And while he didn’t agree with some Christian’s thoughts that gambling was inherently evil, he did make some major changes to his business.
First of all, he invited a gambling addiction expert to come and do a weeklong training session with his employees that taught them how to spot signs of people struggling with a spiral and what to do to help them. He had signs put up that were apparently supposed to help with that as well and hired two on-site counselors. He established time limits, and even funded a support group. Was it perfect? No, but he felt it was a good start.
As for his alcohol, they were changing their marketing strategy and adding lines about drinking responsibly. He also had his R&D department working on a non-alcoholic drink for designated drivers and sober folks who still wanted to have fun and enjoy parties without just holding a glass of water. That was going to take a long while, but he was glad to at least have gotten started.
As for himself, he still enjoyed the bottle from time to time, but it was just that: something to be enjoyed. Not a crutch to live with himself or be able to look in the mirror. He was still debating quitting it all together because it wasn’t adding anything to his life, but he figured going slow and taking manageable steps was better for him than trying to revolutionize his life overnight.
How strange to think that all of these changes were because of Keiko. She had told him that it was wrong of her to try to “fix” him, and yet he felt like he was being slowly repaired over time. Like all the little cracks in him, where the bitterness and distrust seeped out, were being slowly filled in by her kindness, her wisdom, really, everything about her.
She made him want to be a better person in a way he never had before. She made him look outside of himself and at the greater world. Instead of always thinking about his next thrill, he would instead think about the next thing he could create, or a new idea to nurture. It was more fulfilling to him than any of the parties or women, and he wondered how he had lived when he had been so clearly starving for so long.
But with all that progress, with all the happiness that bloomed in his chest whenever he looked at her, there was still something that he had to do before he could really move forward.
He was terrified of it, though.
But he had to.
He could feel that something was building up between him and Keiko. Something tentative. Fragile, like a tiny baby bird. They trusted each other, they confided in each other, but there was still a caution to their interactions.
He knew that she wasn’t ready to date, and he also knew that he wasn’t remotely worthy of dating her. But maybe, if he dealt with that one thing, he could become the kind of man who could be good enough for her.
Because he wanted desperately to be good enough for her. Especially when she would look at him in those quiet moments, a sweet smile on her full lips and the slightest bit of pink on her cheekbones. He could see so much behind her eyes, she trusted him with seeing that, and that made him feel more accepted than anything else that he could remember.
So, in the hopes that it would help him grow, he knew that he needed to talk to his family.
Really talk.
The thought made him nauseous. There were so many years of hurt. Mud thrown on both sides and wounds that were too deep to ignore. It would be a messy talk. Uncomfortable.
But the longer he procrastinated, the longer that caution stayed between them. At least he knew he didn’t have to do it alone.
If there was anything Keiko had made clear, it was that he didn’t have to be alone for anything anymore if he didn’t want to.
Strangely enough, it was a Thursday when he suddenly found the courage to call her. Like usual, she picked up on the first ring, sounding surprised but happy to hear him.
“Hey there, friend,” she said, and he could just picture the smile on her face as she did.
“Hey. Are you free this afternoon?”
“I was supposed to go shoe shopping with Chastity now that her feet have gone down from all that pregnancy swelling, but she canceled because the little one might have a cold.”
“Oh gee, that doesn’t sound fun.”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m not exactly the biggest fan of very young babies, anyway, so I’ll admit I’m guiltily relieved.”
Bryant was about to ask why but then he thought of how babies liked to spit-up, pee, and poop at random times and how that might be difficult for Keiko to deal with on a bad day.
“Ugh, that sucks for her, but I’ll be greedy and say it works out for me.” He also made a mental note to buy a very belated baby gift for Chastity. He hadn’t realized he’d missed such an important event.
Probably because he wasn’t invited to any baby showers or included in family announcement letters.
That just reiterated his need to fix things, so he cleared his throat. “I was wondering if you would… if you would help me talk to my family.”
The line was quiet for a moment, and he almost thought they were disconnected.
“Really? Today?”
“Yeah, I’m not saying it’ll be solved today, but today is when we make the first attempt.”
He didn’t miss the excitement that crept into her tone, and it gave him hope.
“Yeah, of course. I can be ready in ten minutes.”
He chuckled at that, her enthusiasm making him feel far braver than he was. “I’ll need at least an hour and a half to get to you, so don’t worry.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll take a shower then.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon.”
He was about to hang up when he heard her call his name. “Yes?”
“I’m really proud of you.”
She hung up after that, but Bryant stood there in his penthouse, holding his phone. He would probably never admit it, but those five little words meant so much more than Keiko could ever know.
Bryant looked up the steps that lead to the porch of his family’s main house. It almost looked like a scene in a western. Ma was sitting in her rocking chair with Sophia curled in a chair beside her, dutifully sketching on her tablet; Pa was in the doorway, arms crossed and looking passive as usual, while Ben and Bart sat on the railing on the far side of the porch.
The only one who was missing was Bradley, which made Bryant’s stomach twist, but then Bradley showed up with a bottle of water in his hand and actually walked down the step to stand next to him.
“Hey there, brother,” he said, a small smile on his face.
“Hey, brother.”
All right, this was it. He was looking at his family and they were looking at him, and suddenly there was a whole lot of feelings from a whole lot of years rising up to the surface very quickly.
Keiko must have sensed the rush because her hand slipped into his and she squeezed it gently. “You can do this,” she said, her words just for him.
Hey, she hadn’t been wrong yet.
“It’s good to see you,” Ma said, her expression soft but sad.
It made that familiar knife twist in Bryant’s heart. Bu
t instead of getting defensive, he felt the emotion and then processed it. Like Keiko said all the time, discomfort was temporary and sometimes it just had to be weathered.
“It’s good to see you too.” He took a deep breath. He could do this. “Look, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye—”
“That’s an understatement,” Bart scoffed before Ma quickly hushed him.
“I came here because I wanted to talk. There’s been this rift between us for too long, and I’m not naïve enough to think that we can fix it right here and now, but I was hoping it could start today.
“I know that I have been selfish and hurtful. I know I have said mean, hurtful things. I know I’ve made several of you uncomfortable. And I know that I chose a style of living that broke your hearts.”
Surprisingly, this wasn’t the hard part. He knew what he’d done was wrong, and he’d prepared his apology at least a hundred times in his head. And the more he spoke, the more an ease started to settle over him. It wasn’t anything relaxing, per se, but it was a sort of peace with himself that he hadn’t felt in years.
“So, I want all of you to know that I am sorry. Really, deeply and truly sorry. I want to be better. I want to be a son that you can be proud of. I know that will take time, and you don’t have to accept my apology, but I would really, really, like to build a future where we’re in each other’s lives.”
It was so quiet that Bryant was pretty sure they could have heard a pin drop. The only sounds were the standard ambient noises of the farm, and they faded to the back of his mind as he looked at each of his relatives in turn.
Of course, it was Ma who moved first. She stood, practically running to the steps, and threw open her arms.
“If someone told me today was the day I was getting my baby boy back, I would have worn something worthy of the occasion.”
Bryant didn’t have words for the emotions that flooded through him. Relief, acceptance, happiness, love, it was a complex and heady mix that made his head spin. But not so much that he couldn’t rush up the stairs and envelop her in a hug.
It had been so many years since they had embraced, since he had felt the warmth and comfort that only came from hugging a mother that he missed terribly, that they held it for a long, long time. In fact, it wasn’t until Bradley cleared his throat that they parted.
“I’m really, really happy to hear that, but I would like to be the first person in the family to apologize to you. Because I do think we all owe you one.”
“Owe him one?” Bart asked incredulously. “What did we even do?”
Bradley walked up the stairs, placing his hand on Bryant’s shoulder. “I know we talked before, but I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you like a brother should have been. I’m sorry I failed you by letting you feel like you were alone and couldn’t trust any of us. I should have stood up for you when our older brothers and schoolmates teased you for the things you like, especially since I always did it for my friends.
“I love you, brother, and I appreciate how smart you are, and all those crazy puzzles you liked to solve. I miss you, and I regret all the years we missed out together because I was too concerned with fitting in.”
“Wait,” Ben said, standing and crossing around to the front of the porch. “I don’t understand. What do you mean you felt alone?”
This was the hard part that Bryant had been dreading. How to explain to his family that actions when he was young had started him on his path. He didn’t want to sound petulant, or like an idiot. He didn’t want to sound like he was condemning them. But he did need them to know that he hadn’t just flown off the handle for no reason. They needed to know how he’d felt ostracized. Not good enough for the illustrious Miller name.
“When I was younger, none of you would accept my hobbies or the things I liked to do. And when I did accomplish something that was important to me, you didn’t care.”
“What?” Bart asked, his tone rising. “Name one instance.”
“Well, how about when Bryant made it to the Mathletics finals for our entire state and none of us attended it,” Bradley said. “Or how we have a whole display cabinet downstairs for football, basketball and swimming trophies, but none of my awards from theater or Bryant’s trophies from ICE or robotics. Not even any of those models that he loved have made it onto a display in the house.”
Bart seemed to back down, clearly replaying memories in his head.
“I… I think I remember that.”
But Bryant knew that he couldn’t let Bradley fight his battle for him. “I know I was a weird kid, into comics and fantasy and all that, but I can’t count how many times you guys called me a freak or weird. I remember you guys begging mom to not have to take me places because I was so annoying.
“And Ma, you remember that big blow out we had about the models?”
She nodded; her lips pressed into a thin line. But it didn’t look aggressive, but almost… worried? Guilty? He couldn’t quite say.
“I remember.”
“I know that you were stressed and you were raising five young men pretty far apart in age, but I’ll never forget how you took me aside, looked me in my eyes, and asked why I couldn’t have been more like Ben.”
“I… I thought that you were just being difficult on purpose.”
“I wasn’t,” he answered, bolstered by her not calling him a liar or weak. “I mean, I know I was, but it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t know why I’m so different from the rest of you. I don’t know why I don’t like camping or roughhousing or being rough and tumble. I don’t know why I like designer things and art and learning strange factoids that will never really be of use to anybody. But I am what I am, and I think I can bring things to this family that are of value.”
There, he said it. Everything was out and in the open. They could reject him, tell him that he should get over it, but he had done what he needed to do.
But possibly the last thing he expected was for Ma to burst into tears and grab him again.
“Oh, my boy, my baby boy. I never even thought about it. I’m so, so sorry. You just always seemed like you wanted to be on your own.”
“I was on my own to protect myself. I just wanted to be accepted.”
“Please, please forgive me for ever making you ever feel like you weren’t. I love you, sweetie, from your wizard cape to the dungeoneers and designers.”
“That’s not what it’s called Ma but thank you. Thank you so much.”
Bryant felt himself tear up, so he buried his head in her gray hair. He knew there was still a long road ahead of him, that there would be pitfalls and mistakes and things that came up later, but that was fine. The important thing was that they had at least started the journey.
The moment between them lasted for quite a while, so much so that he almost jolted when he felt a firm grip on his shoulder.
“Look, I’m sorry, brother,” Bart said, pain written across his strong features. “I know now what it feels like to think you don’t belong somewhere, so I’m sorry. I was young and stupid. I’ve learned a lot since then, you know.”
“So have I,” Bryant answered with a weak laugh, gripping his brother’s hand in his.
That seemed to break the rest of the ice and his family closed in on him, hugging or extending a hand until they were all connected. It reminded him distinctly of that moment that Keiko had gone to the front of the church and had a whole chunk of the congregation pray over her.
The only one who didn’t join in was Sophia, and judging by how she kept looking up and down from her tablet, tongue sticking slightly out of her mouth, Bryant would guess that she was drawing the moment in front of her. But that was fine with him because if he had his way, he would want to document it for all eternity.
Bryant Miller, the prodigal son, had finally returned home.
It was a long, teary, and emotion-filled couple of hours spent talking and explaining and doing all the things that came along with repairing relationships that had been neglected for so
long. When it was finally time to go, he was so utterly exhausted that he knew the journey back to the city was going to be borderline painful.
“Bryant?” Keiko’s voice was small as she called his name, as if she was uncertain if she should speak. Personally, he loved the way she said anything, so if he had his way, she would talk all the time.
“Yeah?”
“May I ask you a question.”
“I’ve never said no to that.”
“I know. But it’s personal.”
“Fire away.”
He heard her draw in an unsteady breath, and it made anticipation rise within him. Considering the afternoon that they had had together, what could she want to know?
“Why do you think you’ve changed so much recently?”
Ah.
He felt a smile slide across his features. Of course, she would want to know. He hadn’t thought he was ready to say, but he had promised her honesty always, hadn’t he?
“I realized that I want to be a better man. Someone who leaves behind a legacy to be proud of. You know, has made the world better when I hit that final curtain call.
“And I guess you can say that hanging around you made me realize that the things I thought were worthless and stupid were actually some of the most valuable things on this Earth.”
He’d already taken one giant leap that day, why not another one?
So he continued, “Then, if I’m able to do all that, maybe one day I might be the kind of man who could deserve a woman like you.”
Silence, utter silence filled his speedy little car and he felt his stomach drop. Keiko had told him she wasn’t ready to date; why did he always have to push the line? She probably saw him as nothing more than a friend, and he needed to be grateful for that.
But then, so tentative he almost thought it was a stray hair brushing him, her hand reached out. Her fingers hovered over his hand, drawing his eyes partially from the road, before she finally settled it on top of his own.